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Confused: Black By Popular Demand
YepYep

Everyone has their secret fantasy that pretty much no matter who you tell it to they’ll clear their throat uncomfortably, try to change the subject, and then not call you for a couple of days. I know I do. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over five years, and I still haven’t told her that thing I like that makes me completely horny (it involves a broken lamp, a life-size portrait of Val Kilmer playing tennis, two cops watching me, and a mostly uncooked salmon fillet). But all of us totally want to be able to find that special someone who so loves and accepts us that they’re willing to let us do that one horrible thing in the bedroom and will still look us in the eye in the morning.

Below is a list of the

Top 18 Sex Acts

That You Shouldn’t ask for Until At Least One Year Into The Relationship:

1. Having your neighbors watch.

2. A threesome.

3. Giving each other nicknames …. for your genitals of characters from the show “Family Matters.”

4. Having a basket of lively kittens in bed with you.

5. Throughout the intercourse, both of you yell out classic lines from the hit TV show “House.” Such as, “I don’t care how much power you have at this hospital, I’m House and I do it my way!” or, “Face it pal, you’re going to have this surgery or my name’s not House. And my name is surely House!”

6. Getting to yell out, at the moment of climax, “I think this goose is cooked!”

7. Mutual masturbation, but using waffles.

8. Getting a blowjob… while eating a Double Bacon Cheeseburger.

9. Getting a blowjob… while eating a Double Bacon Cheeseburger and going number 2.

10. Getting a blowjob… while reading a really graphic Edgar Allen Poe short story.

11. See above, but in front of a team of professional judges.

12. She’s on top… while you lay very still inside a chalk outline at a crime scene.

13. Roleplaying: that you’re both Gozer from Ghostbusters 1.

14. In a 69 position……except your penis is wearing a tiny Luigi mask.

15. The Hillside Strangler. That’s where you both set aside money for 15 years, put down a down payment on a lovely three bedroom house overlooking the city, and then on the first night you move in you get into a really bad argument, but a few hours later you both calm down and fall asleep watching Wesely Snipes and Sean Connery in Michael Crichton’s classic,  ”The Rising Sun” (which has a great auto-erotic asphyxiation sex scene).

16. The Shopaholic. That’s where you meet up at the mall, realize you’re both wearing the same color t-shirt, act playfully embarrassed, and then have quiet sex in the bathroom at the Radio Shack.

17. A fiftysome.

18. A key party a la mode: That’s where a bunch of your discrete friends come over and you all put your keys in a fishbowl and then you have sex with whoever belongs to the keys you pull out, with the added caveat that your house is filled with so much ice cream that it’s difficult to move around, and some of you freeze to death trying to eat your way out of it.

According to a recent Pew poll, only 36% of Americans believe in global warming. Blogger Dave R. at Care2 lets us know that that’s even less than the number of Americans that believe in HAUNTED HOUSES.  Also, apparently, according to another poll, only 39% of people in the United States believe in evolution. Fortunately though, less than 15% of Americans believe that Haunted Houses evolved from ordinary howler monkeys. Also Disturbing, more than 100% of Americans believe that Haunted Houses are the primary source of global warming (study pending).

But Americans don’t just disbelieve in the scientifically irrefutable realities of global warming and evolution, while at the same time believing that houses can be full of ghosts and that there is a place full of fire and brimstone that you go when you die, they also believe in lots of other nonsensical things.

Below is a list of the percentages of Americans that believe in surprising things:

28% of Americans believe that the movie Jaws is a documentary.

41% of Americans believe that if you step on a crack, your mother will contract syphilis

18% of Americans believe electricity is what happens when Jesus gets cranky.

24% of Americans believe that hybrid cars are part regular gasoline powered engine and part children who have been kidnapped by Japanese auto makers and turned into fuel.

59% of Americans think Jake Gyllenhaal is secretly a genie.

48% of Americans don’t sit directly on a toilet for fear that an alligator will come up through the sewer and bite them.

11% of Americans are worried they are alligators.

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Out here in the real world, moments that warrant a man-on-man hug come few and far between. However, if you’re a professional sports player, butt slaps and warm embraces are par for the course. Win or lose, our sports heroes are routinely faced with an emotional roller coaster that would put your girlfriend’s menstrual cycles to shame.

When high fives and back slaps just won’t do, even the manliest sports stars need a hug. While most of these hugs are nothing worth writing home about, the occasional photo snap catches a supremely awkward moment of tenderness between two men.

The most awkward sports hugs of all time are as follows:

Ricky Henderson looks genuinely concerned about how much Mark McLemore is enjoying this hug (and with good reason).

Source

Gary Sheffield exhibiting a textbook definition of “rape eyes.” Judging from Jeter’s body language, no means no, Sheff.

Source

Now that’s what I call a love/hate relationship.

Source

Did Pedro Martinez’s puppy just die?

Source

This magic moment…bring your lips so close to mine. Argentinian futbol star Diego Maradona looks just a little too happy to be hugging a 13-year-old boy.

Source

Something about Ken Griffey Jr.’s stance is just completely off-putting here. Maybe I should cut him some slack -– he had just swatted his 500th home run.

Source

An uber-rare hand-to-crotch hug. Jim Edmonds, meet Jason Marquis.

Source

Man, those Yankees sure can’t keep their hands off of Jeter. Matsui either looks extremely concerned, or extremely jealous.

Source

First off, Jerry Smith (University of Louisville), that’s not how you execute an open-mouth kiss. Second off, that’s not your girlfriend! It’s Juan Palacios! What the hell, man?

Source

See Jerry Smith? That’s how you kiss a teammate.

Source

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Celebrities love to name their babies things that no one else would name a child, either because they are exceptionally creative people, or because they secretly hate babies. No one is sure which, all they know for sure is that if you are a celebrity, and you name your baby “Tea Tree” it is pretty much guaranteed by anyone with even half a college degree that they will do drugs and end up in rehab and then somehow Dr. Drew will make money off of them. But that hasn’t stopped celebrities from naming their babies unusual things. It all began with Queen Elizabeth I, the first “celebrity” Queen of England. She is widely acknowledged as the first celebrity Queen for her popularity, her outspoken behavior, her hosting of a game show where people confronted their fears for money, and then in her later years landing a job as Color Analyst for the popular UFC franchise. At any rate, Elizabeth was the first celebrity to name her child something unusual. Her first child was named John, but she decided in a fit of whimsy to name her second born “Influenza”, which was ironic because at six years of age Influenza died of the Black Plague, which is a very different disease.

From then on celebrities have named their children unusual things: Rumour, Camera, Kal-El, Free, and Apple, just to name a few. In that spirit, here below are the top 20 Names I Hope That Celebrities Will One Day Name Their Children:

1. Dog Taco

20. Window

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Mashups. They’ve had Freddy Vs. Jason, they’ve had Alien Vs. Predator, but if you’ve been paying attention, like I have, you’ve noticed that they haven’t had Uncle Buck fight Rainman, and frankly, that’s a problem. Hollywood has thrown all sorts of completely disparate franchises together to make a quick buck, and most of them haven’t worked so far, but that’s because they’ve been too obvious. What needs to happen is they need to start throwing together characters that would just be totally rad if they fought each other. Here below is what I’m sure will be a list that will help out the world more than any other list has so far.

The Top 10 Famous Movie Character Mashups that Should Happen But Won’t:

1. Julia Style’s character in Save The Last Dance vs. Starscream

2. The Runaway Bride vs. Zatoichi: The Blind Swordsman

3. Rocky Vs. Shallow Hal

4. Hannibal Lecter Vs. Doc from Back To The Future

5. Milo and Otis Vs. The Secret Organization that kidnaps hot tourist chicks from Hostel

6. The Godfather (Al Pacino) Vs. The Bad News Bears

7. Anton Chigurh from No Country For Old Men Vs. any Sandra Bullock character

8. Method and Red Vs. The Terminator

9. Alvin and The Chipmunks Vs. Party Monster

10. The Incredible Hulk Vs. the kid from Pay It Forward

And that’s just the obvious ones.

Anyone else got any mashups they’d like to see?

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History lesson: Contraception didn’t begin in the 1960s with the advent of condoms. Rather, human beings have been frustrated that pulling out didn’t work for centuries, and have, for just as long, been looking for ways not have to have kids. Condoms, the Nuva ring, the pill and other devices have come a long way to making contraception way less likely to brutally annihilate the pregnant woman, which is a plus, but they’ve also become a lot less rad and samurai warrior-initiation like. Here’s a couple of the more unusual kinds of ancient contraception.

1. Swallowing hot rocks

Chicks in tribes in Papa New Guinea used to heat up stones and swallow them to, I guess, melt the baby. This method was only sometimes effective as a birth control, but was incredibly effective as a way to get women to severely burn themselves from the inside.

2. Douche using soda

Back before the pill, women would take Coca-Cola and other fizzy drinks and douche with it to irritate the uterine walls so the egg wouldn’t stick to them. Even less effective than swallowing hot rocks, this method of birth control was abandoned when doctors noticed that it made the woman even more likely to stay pregnant, because it made the inside of their uterus taste delicious.

3. Putting a leather pouch filled a….

….a cat’s liver on the left foot during sexual intercourse to prevent pregnancy.

Ancient Roman women did this for a while, but they stopped when they realized that nothing about this method of birth control made any sense whatsoever no matter how much or from what angle you thought about it. Historians speculate that this gained popularity as a birth control method in Ancient Rome because Ancient Roman doctors had a pretty good sense of humor, and Ancient Roman women were unusually gullible when it came to believing pretty much any stupid shit that you would tell them.

4. Spitting three times into a frog’s mouth

This method is actually 100% effective.

5. Walking over the graves of your dead female ancestors

Women who try this method of birth control find it is only effective if, during the walk, you stop and have sex on top of the grave using an FDA approved contraceptive device. Or, equally effectively, if the ancestor is a zombie who loves to punch people who walk over her grave in the womb.

Tyler Perry presents “I Can Do Bad all by Myself”, Tyler Perry presents “Madea Goes to Jail”, Tyler Perry presents — so many things these days it’s often hard to distinguish between products that are and are not Tyler Perry related. In fact, there are so many Tyler Perry “presented” products that by 2011 it is expected that one in seven people reading this post will have been “presented” by Tyler Perry at some point in their life. Usually while they were dressed like a muscular, excessively tall older black woman with a chip on her shoulder.

There are still a few things out there, however, that Tyler Perry hasn’t presented, so I thought I’d make a list of the things that I wish that Tyler Perry would present. Please feel free, in your comments, to leave your suggestions for what you would want Tyler Perry to present, and maybe with our powers combined, we can get him to present them.

1. Tyler Perry Presents: “Doubt”

If only because I think Tyler Perry, in drag, would make an excellent Sister Aloysius Beauvier. Madea would be a way radder person than Meryl Streep to sternly yell, “I have my certainty.”

2. Tyler Perry Presents: Madea Goes To Ernest Saving Halloween.

It’s only a matter of time before these two opinionated cultural icons butt heads in a hilarious attempt to stop garbage goblins from stealing Halloween.

3. Tyler Perry Presents: Afghanistan

Sure, Madea is tough and no nonsense, but she is also fair and even handed and I think she would do a pretty good job stabilizing that war torn region.

4. Tyler Perry Presents: Wild Alaskan Salmon

Tyler Perry’s sharp eye for dialogue, and his keen sense of how a black family would act if Madea interrupted their backyard barbecue could easily be shifted into overseeing the catching and packaging of fresh water Pacific Salmon in an environmentally responsible manner.

5. Tyler Perry Presents: Roe Vs. Wade

Tyler Perry’s money and power could go a long way to strengthening the position of the pro-choice lobby in congress, also he knows Alfre Woodard and she adds her own strengths to any cause she backs. Those strengths being an impressive, deep-seated dignity, and the ability to bite through steel.

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It might be next to impossible to find a music video on MTV these days, but the medium is definitely not dead. Websites like YouTube have allowed, not only musicians, but also their fans, to showcase their videos. Some fan-made videos rival their official counterparts in terms of quality (or, at least, uniqueness).

Unk – “Walk It Out (Remix)” Ft. Andre 3000 & Jim Jones

Official Video

The official video for “Walk It Out” is typical hip-hop fare and it pales in comparison to the majesty of this fan-made gem, set to footage of Gwen Verdon performing a dance choreographed by Bob Fosse. Nearly every dance move lines up perfectly.

MGMT – “Kids”

Official Video

MGMT took their sweet time crafting an official video for “Kids,” allowing everyone in the world to get very, very sick of the song before hand. In the meantime, this fan-made video by USC student Jon Salmon (apparently thrown together at the last minute in order to meet a deadline for film class) garnered over fifteen million views and caused bucketloads of confusion about whether those two face-painted guys are MGMT (they aren’t). While the official video may be slightly superior (that’s Joanna Newsom carrying the kid around, by the way), the fan-made version stole all the thunder.

Lil Wayne – “Lollipop” Ft. Static Major

Official Video

Created using The Sims, this video sticks closely to the script for the official “Lollipop” video (ridiculously large limousine, microphone inexplicably rising out of the backyard patio, etc.). Remarkably, though, the Sims version of Weezy actually looks more human that the man himself (uncanny valley be damned).

Death Cab For Cutie – “Little Bribes”

Official Video: N/A

Death Cab liked this fan-made stop-motion video so much that they declared it the song’s official video. The band’s label even hired stop-motion animator Ross Ching to make another video in the future.

Grizzly Bear – “Two Weeks”

Official Video

The official video for indie quartet Grizzly Bear’s single “Two Weeks” is neat, but there’s something magical about Vimeo user Gabe Askew’s animated version. He estimates that it took about four weeks to complete. He explains his intricate production process in an interview here.

Throwdown – “Never Back Down”

Official Video: None exists. None could ever top this masterpiece.

Straight-edge hardcore band Throwdown has a relatively small, but fiercely loyal, fan base. It’s unknown whether one of the band’s fans created this video (which uses footage from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ “Out of Their Shells” tour in 1990), but I can’t imagine a tribute that Throwdown could be more proud of.

You know Captchas: those distorted combinations of random words, letters and numbers (and on more annoying sites, wingdings) you’re supposed to type into Craigslist’s Casual Encounters to prove you’re not a robot. Well, in this age of monkeys typing Shakespeare, the number of captcha’s being randomly generated has gotten so high that eventually, some of them have to be funny. Here are 17 of my favorites.

FYI, the chances of combining five random letters and getting “asses” is just over one in two million.  And there have got to be more than that many captchas generated, each day, just for spambots trying to break into my porn collection.

Your computer is trying to tell you and your ex-wife something.

I hope this was for a porn site.

What really caused Rome to fall.

Another name for a Shanghai port hooker.

Further proof the Google’s servers are anti-Semitic.

At least it’s better than “FuckU”

Is that handicap symbol there merely a hilarious coincidence?

Less fortunate younger brother or Snatch’s Gorgeous George.

Jeez Google, ease up. Sorry I called you anti-Semitic.

Another one hopefully for Sexparty.com

I think this is my favorite one of all.

Not to be confused with the captchas “boning”, “nailing”, or “porking”.

I’m sure this is just short for “Pleasantness”.

OK, this one’s just too easy.

A more vulgar way of saying “runny nose”.

And there you have it.  The chances of generating the captcha “working class kitty” is somewhere around one in 5.45 x 10^19… but inevitably, it was bound to happen to somebody.  Hopefully someone with a feline fetish.

It’s pretty much impossible for Robert Downey Jr. to not be rad. He’s too charming and charismatic. If charm and charisma were a force field, he could stop a bullet. He was a raging, loudly problematic drug and alcoholic for like 10 years, but because it was Robert Downey Jr., it was just awesome.

“Hey that drunk guy crashed my party and he’s throwing up on my favorite cat.”

“Dude, that’s not a drunk guy, that’s Robert Downey, Jr.”

“Dude, that’s RDJ? You get that cat, you wild man!”

You couldn’t be cooler than Robert Downey Jr. if you wore James Dean’s skin and drank Frank Sinatra’s blood. I know, I’ve tried, it just makes you look like you’re wearing really old dead guy skin and you’re covered in somebody’s blood. In fact, Robert Downey Jr.’s so cool that there are things he can do that, if anyone else did them, they would be ostracized, in jail or worse.

Here are the top 10 of them:

1. Break up with a girl over Twitter.

10. Kill Nicole Brown Simpson.

6 People Who Faked Their Own Death For Ridicolous Reasons- Cracked

Taboo: How To Date A Married Woman- Asylum

New Mexico Girls Soccer Player Is Gangsta!- ESPN

BOOB: Box Office Opening Babes- EgoTV

The Huge Hits (You Didn’t Know Were Covers)- Gunaxin

Tommy Lee did it, Dr. Ruth did it, and to the best of my knowledge, Martin Luther King Jr. did it.*

You’ve probably said to yourself at one time or another, “Man, I’d love to plaster cast my dick and then give that as a gift to my girlfriend.” Well, now at Make Your Own Dildo, you can! I know the obvious use of a dildo is because it’s pretty rad to be able to pleasure your girlfriend when you’re all the way across town at work, “Jeremy, I’m totally gonna have sex with you right now!” / ”I know babe, and I’m not even there!” But the uses of a plaster version of your own dick, believe me, do not end just there. For instance:

1. You can use it to fight crime

All you have to do is, once you get your plaster cast dildo back, take it to a professional sword maker, and then have them insert a long sword blade into it. Then, criminals beware.

2. You can use it to place bids at an auction

You’ll be the belle of the auction ball when everyone else is using those little fans with the numbers on them and you’re holding up your own member.**

3. Place it on your food in the communal fridge

People are much more likely not to eat a leftover Tombstone pizza if there’s a giant dick on it then if there’s just some paltry note that says, “Please don’t touch my food.”

4. Stop annoying conversations on the bus

When someone on the bus tries to talk to you about what you’re reading, or what you’re listening to on your iPod, cease the conversation immediately by staring them in the eye, slowly pulling back your coat, and revealing that you have your plaster cast penis on your chest, and it’s pointed at them. Either, they will stop talking, or, you will have the best conversation of your life.

5. Hollow it out and…

…use it to hide secret film rolls with pictures of foreign diplomats in compromising positions that you took for the government. If you’re working for the CIA, chances are you take compromising pictures of foreign dignitaries, and what better way to smuggle that undeveloped film across the border than in the hollowed out cavity of a replica of your own penis?

* That is, he fought for civil rights through an ideology of non-violence as a form of social protest.

** Or you’ll be arrested.

14 of the Manliest Things in The Universe- TopCultured

25 of the Scariest Science Experiments Ever Conducted- io9

Man Stabs Himself to Avoid Blockbuster Shift- Asylum

6 Badass Tricks You Can But Shouldn’t Do With Electricty- Cracked

7 Professional Wrestlers Who Unsuccessfully Tried Becoming Musicians- CollegeHumor

When Jay-Z Gets Hungry- TheRapUp

So Aston Martin has come out with a new car. If you haven’t heard of Aston Martin, you shouldn’t be reading the “Cars” section of this website, but suffice it to say, they make expensive automobiles. VERY expensive automobiles. Their new model, the Aston Martin One-77 (you know a car is fancy when they spell out only some of the numbers in the title) is so ridiculously lavish that they’re only making 77 of them, each of which is custom made for the buyer and adjusted for their personal handling tastes by AM’s head engineer, Chris Porritt. Yes, the One-77 makes your Lamborghini looks like a Pinto. As it should. It costs 2 million dollars.

What? 2 million dollars? For a car? For reference, I bought a new (albeit stripped down) Honda Civic in 2005 for $13,000. Which brings me to the topic of this post: if you’ve got money flooding out of your pockets, such that you’re thinking of buy this car, be my guest. Just keep in mind what else you could be buying.

156 Honda Civics

This is a picture of my Honda Civic. It’s not quite as nice as an Aston Martin One-77, but it does get me around. I can only imagine what I would do with 155 more of them. Actually, I can. Crash them into each other.

Three Islands in Panama

According to the website www.privateislandsonline.com (yes, it’s a real site), there are actually some islands you can buy for as cheap as 30,000-$40,000 (I’m sure they’re all in the cannibal-and-malaria part of Panama, but hey, you’re getting your very own set of islands, so what?) For the price of an Aston Martin, Isla Gatun, Dolphin Bay Island, AND Punta Tigra Island could be yours! Now you just need an Aston Martin Helicopter to get there.

50-170 Mail Order Brides

(depending on their quality, and the agency fees). You might even be able to get more, if they’re from China. I hear the market’s really depressed over there.

A 2,060,606 item shopping spree at the 99 Cent Store

So, basically, you could buy a 99 Cent Store. Or several of them.

7,610 people in Zimbabwe working for you for a year

(No picture for this one, as every picture I found made this item seem vaguely racist) But Zimbabwe’s a poor country, no matter what color the people are. The average adult only makes $268 USD a year. So why not use your 2 million to hire a whole bunch of Zimbabweans to work for you? Doing stuff like vacuuming. Or carrying you around. Or building you an Aston Martin?

18,545 Mona Lisa’s

Reproductions, of course. You’d need 350 One-77’s to buy the real Mona Lisa. Which is all very fitting, as one uber-rich guy actually bought two Aston Martins, one to drive, and one to hang on his wall.

And, of course,

2,000,000 Gumballs

(Thanks to DailyMail.co.uk for the source!)

Now, you may not know this, but you can actually USE a baby for lots of different reasons. An easy one would be to place the baby on the sinkhole in the tub in lieu of a stopper, as so your precious bathwater would not go to waste. This is where the phrase “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” comes from.

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of different ways to use a baby that people don’t tell you about. Here’s just a few of my favorites:

• Door stop.
• Beanbag footstool. I’ve always wanted, when sitting on a beanbag, to have a footstool. As it seems, a baby does just fine.
• Hermann Göring stand in during re-enactment of the Nuremberg Trials.
• Target practice for ninja throwing stars.
• Secondary dog chew toy. You’ll find that although no baby has a “squeaker”, they will still make noise when chewed.
• A “Norm” from Cheers stand in. Just place baby on bar stool next to you and tell it about your day. Then have lots of drinks with aforementioned baby.
• Blame. You can blame anything and everything on the baby, from a fart to the unraveling of your marriage.

Check back to Manolith soon, we’ll continue bringing you more ways to use a baby.

Molly Sims Dramatic Acting Reel- FunnyOrDie

The Sex Ed Lessons You Wish They’d Taught You- Cracked

The Unbelievable And Impossible Photos Of Li Wei- WebDesignerDepot

6 Pick-Up ‘Negs’ Every Guy Needs To Be Aware Of- COED

25 People With Horrible Fake Tans- HolyTaco

8 Racist Ads You Won’t Believe Are From The Last Few Years- Cracked