For starters, here is a quick, printable bracket that you can fill out:

Pick Manager.

Now, let’s get down to business. You’re obviously printing this to get your picks down and enter a pool of some sort, right? Are you going to take advantage of all the other contests associated with March Madness and the 2010 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament? You should. Big money to win, and it costs you nothing to enter. The more you enter, the better your chances of taking a prize in something. The best and most reputable contests are offered by CBS Sports and ESPN:

CBS Bracket Challenge

CBS Round by Round Brackets

ESPN Tournament Challenge

All of these brackets can be printed after you’ve completed your picks on the site.

If you’re into gambling on the games, you’ll find all kinds of deals on the web, including a free, multi-million dollar perfect bracket challenge at BetUS. BetUS is also boasting 15 game parlays, if you just know which team is gonna take those first round match-ups.

If you need a little help making your picks, I’m already working through my list of potential upsets. Also, I’ll be updating this post if I find other contests worth mentioning, so check back!

(Image via: Black Athlete Sports Network)

Weep no more, future cubicle monkey! “100 Totally Awesome DIY Projects For Your Dorm Room” can help! For the low, low cost of no money down and no money for months after, you can reap the benefits of other people’s ingenuity and learn how to spice up your domicile with these handy tips.

Organized by categories like “Wall Decor”, “Organization and Storage”, “For the Bed”, and “Party Time”, this page of links gives you everything you need to make your cell-away-from-home a place to actually look forward to inhabiting. Most of these projects have the average student’s budget in mind, so you don’t need to worry about spending your precious beer funds on livening up the shack. I mean, c’mon, don’t you want to know how to make a beer-launching fridge? Sure you do! And really, any list that includes something called a “draft snake” is worth the price of admission alone. Check it out!

Breaking bones has been a rite of passage since time immemorial. But now, not only can you have fun while you’re breaking them, you can have fun while you’re healing too.

That usually doesn’t happen. Unless you’re in a hyperbaric chamber, or something. But it will now, thanks to the miracle of casts! Not just ordinary casts though, casts with specialized cast decals! Normally painting or putting decals over injuries is a medical method reserved for the stoned skaters of the world, but thanks to an up and coming company, not only will you be the life of the party with your custom-made cast, but a walking vessel of hilarity as well.

The companies name? Casttoos. Not only is it an adorable word that might come out of the mouth of Tweety bird, but a brilliantly commercial idea. You simply email in the image that you want to put on your cast, and they’ll e-mail you a decal you can put on with a hairdryer.

So what would I put on my cast? Tweety bird. Breaking out of my bones. A bullet wound, perhaps. Maybe a cyborg shell breaking free of my mortal, fleshy coil.

Who knows? They’re between twenty to forty bucks, so it’s an easy purchase to make that accident where you crossed your skis look WAAY cooler.

(Source)

It’s no secret that I love beer. Lots and lots of beer. To me, there’s nothing better than kicking back after a hard days work with a cold one and relaxing. It’s like a little piece of Heaven on Earth. Inevitably though, I always find myself peeling off the labels of the bottle, and playing around with them. Well now you and I have a chance to play with our labels in a different way, thanks to Newcastle Brown Ale.

America’s number one imported ale (brought to us by the fine folks at Heineken) is holding a contest, in where you can design your own beer labels, and submit them for a chance to have your design featured on the Newcastle website.

“The Newcastle logo, with its unusual ‘cottage loaf’ shape and its iconic blue star, has inspired hundreds of photo collages and tattoo designs. We’re encouraging Newcastle drinkers to tailor individual labels with their own uniquely different, personalized touches,” said Colin Westcott-Pitt, Brand Director, Newcastle Brown Ale. “Our online program gives fans a chance to show off their artistic skills and, for one designer, on our Web site.  We expect our judging panel will be inspired by the variety of designs our fans will submit.”

Okay, how cool does that sound? I’m by no means a great artist, but based on my love of beer, I think this is something I’m going to have to try my hand at. Even if I don’t win, at least it will give me something to do while I’m chilaxin’ with my suds.

To enter, go to the Newcastle Brown Ale website before March 14, which they’ve totally revamped into an artists studio, and begin playing around with your digital design. Of course, you have to be 21 years-old to enter, and be a resident of the United States, but man, what a great chance to have your work featured.

Hey, it’s just another reason to love beer!

Okay, I know I said that I really want to go and visit New York City, but when something like this comes along, it makes even me question the fate of humanity.

There are thousands of muggings in New York City every year that range from purses being stolen, to 101-year-old ladies getting beat down. In other words; people muggings. Human vs. human. You know what I mean. It’s just a fact that when you live in one of the biggest, craziest cities in the world, you’re going to have some trouble every once in a while. I can accept that.

For Donna McPherson, though, trouble came her way when a mugger stole the coat off of her…dog? WTF NYC? She went into the store for “two minutes” to buy some milk, so she tied up her 10-year-old Westie, Lexie, and when she came back, little Lexie was freezing his pooch off after his green wool coat with leather trim and belt had vanished.

Again, what the hell is wrong with this world? I can see being mugged for your dog, but a dog being mugged for a coat? That’s low, man.

Regardless, I still hope to visit the Big Apple one day. Luckily I’m a cat person, so I don’t expect to run into this problem. They want my wallet? Fine. They can have my eight bucks, but don’t mess with my feline, cause I’ll get medieval on your ass.

It should be noted that in the case of Donna McPherson and Lexie, Verne Troyer is not a suspect. Yet.

(Photo Via: Wpix)

Kim Kardashian

But you’re into T&A, right?

First off, I have no idea what Kim Kardashian is famous for. She’s the scion of wealthy individuals, one of the millions of them that are on the planet. She’s like Paris Hilton, only she’s not as easy to make fun of. Therefore Kim Kardashian is less fun than Paris Hilton. Wrap your head around that. She’s the star of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, a show that draws E!’s highest ratings, but the again E! is a network based entirely off of fellating celebrities.

And finally, celebrity perfume is something that’s always mystified me. It’s celebrity-sponsored perfume. You’re not going to wind up smelling like the celebrity. Which is the only reason why I’d buy celebrity perfume instead of normal, work-a-day perfumes. If Britney Spears’ Curious actually smelled like Britney Spears — like the sweat of her handlers and cigarettes — then I’d buy it, do doubt.

But does Kim Kardashian’s fragrance smell like Kim Kardashian? With a description of a voluptuous scent? How can a scent be voluptuous? Does it make you larger??

I don’t get it. Buy your lady some perfume.

Link:

According to Diesel, “being stupid” is the new cool. The popular denim jeans brand is embracing “stupid” and turning it into a positive. In case you’re late on the scene, the word stupid has taken somewhat of a positive connotation as of late. For example, rappers such as Lil Wayne, Young Jeezy and Kanye West have all embraced the new “stupid.”

Diesel explains the “Be Stupid” movement as a chance to be “liberated” from all those people who dismiss your originality. “Stupid is the liberating alternative to dry-as-dust cerebral (so called ’smart’) and it takes courage, loads!”

In order to give credit where credit is due, we must first applaud the late rapper Mac Dre and his cult classic “Get Stupid.” As a apart of the West Coast Hyphy movement in the early ’00s, it was cool to “get stupid” and wild out on the dance floor. Since then the word has died down, but is now finally gaining its momentum back. Are you going to “Be Stupid” in 2010?

As we state often, there are always exceptions to every rule, but some things are fairly universal. Women tend to hold their own birthdays in high regard; there’s the happy party vibe, and there’s the mild self-loathing that accompanies her feeling of getting one year older. It’s a tense time for any would-be gift giver, to be sure. There are certain things that guys simply should not get their girlfriends for their birthdays, however — unless she explicitly asks for them. Some could get a guy slapped, and some might hurt not for what they could get him, but for what he won’t be getting after giving them. These are the 15 worst birthday gifts to give a girlfriend; don’t make any of these mistakes.

Any Household Appliance

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Nothing says romance like a vacuum cleaner. You may think you’re being thoughtful, but the sight of a brand new toaster, vacuum, iron, and so on is tantamount to saying “how about you clean up your dump of an apartment.” Unless she’s in genuine need of one of these things, and asks for it, this is not what you want to hand her on that special day.

Acne or Wrinkle Creams

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We see women spend ridiculous amounts of money and time on facial creams, exfoliants, complexion repair treatments, “age-defying” lotions and all the other things they gobble up on a regular basis. Some of us might get the bright idea to get a girl some of this stuff for her birthday, thinking it’s normal and apparently appreciated. We’d be wrong. Getting a girl anything but scented lotions is like saying she needs some work done, and she’s not likely to appreciate that very much.

Gym Membership

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This should be a no-brainer, but it happens. Guys run into the problem fairly often; their girl gets a little lazy with work and school and setting aside relaxation time, or there’s just too many shots and not enough laps — whatever the case may be, getting her a gym membership is not the answer. It’s liable to get you slapped if you’re not careful (duck fast) and there’s really no way around the fact that it’s pretty insulting.

Nose Hair Trimmer

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As odd as this sounds, it’s happened more times than should ever be counted. Usually as part of a bigger package, lazy guys make the mistake of not accounting for the unisex nature of travel kits. It’s bad enough that you’re handing your girlfriend a totally insincere, last minute “gift,” but having a nose hair trimmer as part of the deal is like a slap to the face — something you should probably expect if you try this one.

A Cook Book

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Much like the household appliances, this screams anything but romance. In fact, what it says most is “get to the kitchen and make me sandwich.” You may as well hand her some oven mitts, an apron, and a bag of flour while you’re at it. As nice as it’d be, we don’t live in the world of Mad Men, and you’d be safer taking her out to dinner instead of giving her instructions on how to make you dinner.

A Bikini Wax Kit

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This says “I don’t like the way your whole crotch looks, and I’d like you to change that for me.” Not exactly the romantic message you want to send to a girl on her birthday, is it? A gift certificate to an expensive, full service salon/spa that also offers bikini wax services is a better bet. You never know, while she’s there, she may decide on her own to go ahead and trim the grounds.

Facial Hair Remover

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These things, hilarious as they may be, are all the rage right now among women. They apparently do work for all sorts of things, but women don’t generally react well to guys suggesting they use them. You may think you’re being clever in getting her a useful tool to use in her never ending quest for beauty, but she’ll think you’re telling her she has a mustache and a unibrow. 

A Stripper Pole

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No matter how much she may flirt with the idea of getting one of these things, her birthday is not the day to present her with one. If she decides she wants a stripper pole, an event for which the odds are decidedly against, then feel free to offer to buy her one when that time comes. Just don’t be that guy who gives his girlfriend a stripper pole for her birthday; you’ll never hear the end of it.

Workout Videos

Somewhat like the stripper pole, these ridiculous things are often talked about by women who are fully aware of how dumb they are, but still find some recreational and exercise value in them. The thing is, you can’t just up and give her one of these workout DVDs, and you definitely can’t do it on her birthday. It’s basically saying “you could use this, you’ve been letting yourself go.”

Expensive Diet Plans

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You watch her eat like a bird, she’s picky as hell, she wants to lose five pounds, she eyes every diet in every magazine, and so on, and so on. It doesn’t matter what she says or thinks, you’re not supposed to agree with her in the first place, much less force any sort of diet on her. Even if you spend $1000 on some fancy, wholly ridiculous diet plan and hand it to her, you’re still saying “you’re fat, eat this instead, fatty.”

Tickets to an Event You Want to Attend

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This is usually pretty hilarious to watch take place, but painful at the same time. It goes something like this: Guy wants to go to game/concert/fight/etc. Girl wants to go see [insert any female singer/songwriter] live in concert. Guy doesn’t listen and/or care and buys “her” a pair of extremely expensive tickets to the event that he wants to see, and hands them to her acting like he just gave her an amazing gift. She struggles not to strangle him, thinks he’s an idiot, and she’s right.

Anything for Her Car

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You might think you’re being super helpful and cute by getting her something for her car; maybe it’s a set of matching seat covers or maybe it’s a GPS navigation unit, or even a new sound system that makes your own look like crap. News flash: Chicks don’t really care. If it’s some sort of interior add-on, she’s probably not going to like the color, because she would rather choose it herself or not buy it at all. If it’s electronics, then she probably won’t see the use in it since her stuff works just fine, or she’ll use it like it’s cheap OEM garbage and completely waste the money you spent on it. Just leave her car alone, it’s not worth going there.

The Walgreens Special

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Evidence that a guy completely forgot or blew off his girlfriend’s birthday until the very last minute, the Walgreens Special is simple: You hit up Walgreens or any drug store that lies between work and home, and raid the place for anything and everything that could possibly fill the gaping hole that should be filled with a real birthday present.

A Card with Money

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What are you, her grandfather? Nothing says love like a wad of cash, right? Giving her money for her birthday is basically treating her like a prostitute, and that’s how she’ll feel. You may as well leave it on the nightstand, and give her a slap on the ass while you’re at it. Don’t be her John, be her boyfriend. 

Nothing at All

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While, in most cases, she won’t even say a word should you get her absolutely nothing for her birthday, this is the absolute worst thing you could do. Even if she swears up and down for three months beforehand that she doesn’t want a present from you, you should attempt to find some way to honor her wishes but go against them at the same time — even if it’s a single flower, or taking her out to dinner. Just don’t blow it off like you got away with something, she’ll remember it.

Regardless, you’d be nuts to wear any of this. Unless perhaps you’re from the future, like, Evil Bill and Evil Ted from the second Bill and Ted movie. I’m wondering if you should take his clothes very seriously and actually go out and wear these things. I mean, persay you were in Boston, at a ‘how do you like dem apples’ bar, and you walked in wearing this. You’d get the shit kicked out of you. I’m just saying. Surely there must be a midpoint between crazy awesome fashion and the real world. But I digress, you should make up your own mind.

View McQueen’s Entire Collection.

So we hear you like scary things. We hear you like Japanese things. We hear you like scary Japanese things. A lot of things fall under this category, such as the full body pillow decorated as a school girl, or the vending machines that – um – ‘vend’ – schoolgirls used panties. Or perhaps the skirt that – I shit you not – folds up to make yourself look like an actual vending machine. YES that exists and YES you should google it.

Anyway, in all my internet perusing I sometimes find nuggets of radness such as this. It is from Japan and it is a little manga story that is scarier than Michael Vick in a pet store (2009 joke!). Now, as you may well be aware, anime ruins everything. This is a proven fact – that the Japanese cartoon styling that fits under the umbrella category of ‘anime’ is entirely a terrible, terrible thing. No good has come out of anime whatsoever other than comical Mountain Dew guts on the bodies of nerdy dudes. Regardless of my hatred towards anime I was shocked to both enjoy and actually feel emotions after I read this: it’s a short story done in manga about a mountain and holes in the mountain and I’ll spare you the details. It ran in 2002 and I’m surprised they haven’t made it into a movie yet. Anyway: CLICK HERE TO CRAP YOUR PANTS.

While there are exceptions to every rule, the fact remains that the rule exists. Most women, like men, will behave in certain expected ways, especially once in a committed relationship. Some of us may be lucky enough to find a woman who somehow manages to break all the rules, but those are about as common as unicorns, and let’s just face facts here, there’s no such thing as unicorns. These are the 15 most annoying things that most girlfriends do, and yes — you have to put up with all of them.

Random Item Relocation

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Nothing could be more vexing to realize while heading out the door than that you have no idea to where your hat, jacket, or even shoes have disappeared to. Girlfriends have an uncanny knack for arbitrarily deciding that there is a proper place for an item you have improperly placed for months, or even years on end — without incident. When you finally exhaust your searching abilities and ask them where they’ve hidden your stuff, their response is nearly always that it’s where it belongs. Where that may be, only they will know.

Unwanted “Organization” of Your Stuff

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Much like the singular item relocation, girlfriends will take it upon themselves to upgrade your imperfect organization of stuff, your stuff. Whether it’s your DVD collection, your sock drawer, or everything in the kitchen, she’ll completely overhaul the system you had going. Trying to explain to them that you even had a system to begin with is a waste of breath, since they will promptly explain to you that that isn’t really a system at all and that their way is the right way.

Constant Overdressing

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Whether you feel like going to McDonald’s or the classy joint downtown, your girlfriend will likely dress as though you’re going to a fancy soirée and spend no less than an hour preparing for it. It doesn’t matter that you’ll only need about two minutes to put on your jeans and find where she’s hidden your socks. To the same tune; when winter starts dropping the temperature, she’ll begin dressing as though there’s a blizzard outside when it’s barely cold enough for a sweatshirt. Her excuse for this is usually that her ears get cold, when it’s far more likely that she doesn’t like her light jacket anymore, and wants to wear her parka because it’s cuter.

She’s Late for Everything

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There is no difference between getting ready to go to the bar, out to dinner, out to a movie, to see your parents, or to cross the street and sit at the park. Girlfriends often feel the need to spend an hour (or three) preparing themselves for the outing. If you wise up to this early, and give them a full five hours warning, they will wait until 20 minutes beforehand to begin this preparation. Despite decades of intense social-study on the subject, there is no logical explanation for this.

The Sheer Amount of Toiletries She Needs

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Men like to keep their bathrooms distinctly spartan, that is until a girlfriend arrives and inevitably stakes her claim. We tend to have a couple of items to support our shaving habits, some deodorant, shampoo, soap and a toothbrush. She, however, will bring half of Walgreens with her and set it up on every conceivable flat surface she can find, and possibly even add some shelving to facilitate the takeover.

She Whines About Everything

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Work, another woman’s hair, her own hair, her thighs, another woman’s thighs, the weather, her mother, your mother, your socks; it really doesn’t matter what the subject is, because she can and will whine about everything. Things that guys don’t even think about seem to irk women, and they all come out when a girlfriend takes root in your life. 

Pillows – Millions of Pillows

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One might think that beds are made for sleeping in, but they’d be wrong. Apparently, unbeknownst to men everywhere, beds are in fact made to hold as many pillows as possible. Only a fraction of the pillows present are actually functional at any given point in time, while the rest are there for some unstated purpose. Sleeping on the bed requires several minutes of relocating pillows to suitable locations, which of course will be designated by the woman who placed them to begin with.

She Can’t Just Let Food Be Food

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Guys don’t have a problem coming home to a fridge full of beer, bread, ketchup and hot dogs. We’ll be happy as clams in front of the TV with our minimalistic, efficient foodstuffs. Women can’t live like that; they need to have something different every day, and whatever it is, it can’t be plain. It has to be dressed up, special, gourmet. Ideally speaking, women wouldn’t even eat at home if they could help it — there’d always be “that cute little place” downtown. Whatever that place is, it changes with the weather.

She’s Attached to Her Phone

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It doesn’t matter if you’re in the middle of dinner, a movie, a shower, or even sex (it’s happened to more guys than would ever admit it), most girlfriends are absolutely attached to their phones. They don’t actually have to accomplish anything on them, they just have to have them nearby. Usually, it’s a marathon round of texting that began six years ago when they met their best friend, and hasn’t ceased since. During the texting lull, however, you can count on her chatting away incessantly with any number of people, up to and including your own mother.

She Cries at the Drop of a Hat

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It could have been because she stubbed her toe, or it could have been because she thought she stubbed her toe, and the idea of stubbing her toe was stressful enough an event to cause her to cry. Whatever the case may be, she cries at least once a week for what seems like no discernible reason. Technically, there’s always a reason, but it almost always winds up existing solely in her own head. 

Movies: She Ruins Their Very Existence

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This isn’t so much because she talks during your favorite part, or that she can’t stop fidgeting or playing with her phone during the movie. Those things are true, but the main problem here is a combination of her taste in movies, her insistence that you watch the movies she wants to see, and her (likely) complete lack of desire to actually pay enough attention to movies you want to watch to actually learn to enjoy them. On the whole, the effect is ruinous. Just bear with her on the chick flicks, and when you want to see something — leave her at home. You’ll enjoy it so much more that way.

She Can’t Be Content Just Staying Home

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Primary motivation for guys to go out all the time as single males is because they’re single males. We go out, whether we realize it or not, with the understanding that we stand a better chance of getting laid that way. Once we have a girlfriend, the going out dwindles to a minimum, and it doesn’t so much phase the majority of us if we’re happy in our relationship. Women on the other hand, feel an intense urge to go out. They want to dress up, to be in public, to feel like socialites, and their logic is simple: They’ve got a closet full of fancy clothes they don’t need to wear at home.

She’s Got a Selectively Perfect Memory

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Girlfriends remember every single fight we’ve ever had with them. They’ve got them all, stored and cataloged in their minds for use at a later date, but they only ever seem to remember the arguments in which they came out the victor. They also remember every single time we’ve been late for something, or forgotten something they wanted us to remember. They remember everything with crystal clarity — when they want to. Otherwise, mysterious memory lapses just seem to strike at the oddest moments.

Constant Guilt-Tripping and Martyrdom

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This seems to go hand in hand with the selective memory and the crying at the drop of a hat. Women can claim martyrdom as a last resort to win any argument, while crying. They might make an outlandish claim, such as “I always cook dinner,” even if you actually cook three times a week. They might claim to clean the house, when in fact you divide cleaning chores evenly. There are any number of ways they can guilt-trip guys into folding in an argument, and they use them according to need. 

Deeming All Things Technical to be Unimportant

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Possibly one of the most irksome behaviors exhibited by women today, especially once they’re comfortable with their relationships, is utter disregard for the technical aspect of a thing. When a man sees a sports car, he likely recognizes it for the engine, suspension, equipment and any number of other things aside from the obvious fact that it looks good. Women will look at it and say “oooh it’s cute!” They want the newest smartphone not for its hardware or software, but because it looks new. They don’t care how something works, they just expect it to work. This behavior is largely responsible for the amount of times women will drive a car absolutely devoid of oil for two weeks while they wonder why on earth the warning light is on.

(Special thanks to inthefade.tumblr.com for lending us the cool converse pics)

This time, the product is shoes. That’s right, shoes. Star Wars recently released a line of overpriced headgear, so why not get some ridiculously shiny kicks to compliment them? What’s that? Because you don’t want to get beat up by an angry mob of Star Trek fans coming out of Comic Con? Understandable.

Even more inexplicable, the launch is being teased with an ad featuring David Beckham, Daft Punk, and Darth Vader. One of those presences actually makes sense. The other two are what you’d expect if the Playboy Mansion held a quirky awkward invite party.

The new sneaker line goes across three packs, the “Characters Pack,” the “Vehicles Pack,” and the “Direct Pack.” Characters consists of iconic moments and characters from the Star Wars saga, “vehicles” are-–I shouldn’t have to tell you this—vehicles, and “direct” is scattered inspiration that they needed to delineate with a different name.

So if you’re a sneaker-head with an eye for kicks, they’ll be coming soon. Get them before they are exterminated. Like the Jedi. I like how the video looks like a contemporary West Side Story, complete with Darth Vader vs. Daft Punk. I’d watch the shit out of that movie.

Growing up, my family was pretty broke-ass, so I never had dreams of attending prestigious schools like Harvard or Yale, but I always wanted to be in a secret society like them college boys. While my treehouse did have a special knock (best believe you weren’t getting in without it, and NO girls allowed), it just wasn’t the same. Something about putting on a black robe and drinking wine that was supposed to be blood from a human skull just seemed so friggin’ cool. I had a hard time convincing my mom of that one, though.

Well damn you mom!

A human skull that was turned in to a ballot box for the mysterious Skull & Bones Society is going up for auction, and I intend to get me a piece of that action. Fitted with a hinge flap, the skull was used during voting time at Skull & Bones meetings. My friends and I just raised our hands, but this is way cooler. It’s been around since the 1800s and Christie’s Auction House in New York now has it in their possession. On January 22, that baby goes on the market, and they estimate it’s going to fetch a cool 20 grand, or close to.

Oh, and the kicker? It’s being sold with a black book that’s inscribed with the year 1872 and the number 322, the year of the society’s inception. Not only that, but the book has the names and photographs of about 50 Bonesmen in it, including Taft. You may know him as the 27th president, or not, depending on how well you did in school.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to New York. Dust off the treehouse, ma. I’ll be home soon.

Forgive me for a moment, while I ruminate on something I’ve always wondered about.

Mules. They’re sturdy, they’re reliable, they’re co-stars with Juan Valdez in coffee commercials. But they’re sterile. Mules do not beget mules, in fact, mules do not even naturally exist in nature, because of a twisted fact that many people know: mules are what happens when a horse mates with a donkey. The mule is a genetic experiment that actually worked out to some good, unlike certain other ill-conceived hybrids like broccoflower, crystal clear Pepsi, and Christian Rock.

But the phenomenon of the mule raises one very concerning question. The fact is, that of the mule’s two parents, the horse is clearly a much more attractive animal than the donkey. So just how do they get this to work? If you were a horse, would you mate with a donkey? I certainly wouldn’t. What kind of unlucky horse gets that job? You could be racing in the Kentucky Derby. You could be starring in an Anheuser-Busch commercial. You could at least be getting ridden around by a cop in Canada. But no, you have to bang donkeys.

Is the horse the father? If so, do they have to get him drunk beforehand? Maybe riding a donkey is what’s left after you strike out with the phillies at the horse bars. Still, I’d rather head to Taco Bell and call it a night than have to go and plow a donkey. Maybe they put a bag over the donkey’s head?

Is the horse the mother? If so, what kind of self-respecting female horse allows herself to get rammed by a donkey? He better be extremely charming, or rich, or funny or something; otherwise, you just gotta feel like a real whorse (sorry) after letting that happen. Maybe she closes her eyes and imagines it’s Mr. Ed?

Maybe it’s artificial insemination? If so, the person with that job has an even rawer deal than the horse who has to pork a donkey. I’ve heard such things exist, though; perhaps if you were unfortunate enough to be in this line of work, you could at least sell your story as a sequel to the movie “The Horse Whisperer,” entitled “The Horse Jerker.”

I’m sure it would be Oscar material.

When asked at a press conference why he had decided to put out his own energy drink, God stated, “I just like fucking with 50 Cent.” This isn’t the first time 50 Cent has done something, only to have God be a hater and get up on his shit.  After 50 got shot nine times, God came out the very next month and one-upped him, getting shot ten times. When 50 Cent bought a chinchilla for a pet just to be different, God immediately went to Petco and bought a lemur, which everyone agrees is totally weirder and definitely cuter than a chinchilla. God even released a statement saying he was thinking about changing his name to 500 cent, which is reported to be somewhere between ten and twelve times more cents than 50.

“God always be jockin’ my shit,” 50 cent said, because 50 cent can only say simple sentences. This is due partly to the fact that he has been shot so many times in the mouth, and partly to the fact that he is not terribly bright. Shortly after 50 cent told reporters that he was tired of God jockin’ his shit he tried to brush his teeth with a stick, attempted unsuccessfully to wear his pants like a shirt, forgot to breathe for several minutes, and then passed out.

That aside, the Trinity Energy Drink, in addition to being infused with the fruit of the spirit, has a lot of other benefits. It is only 10 calories, it tastes like pomegranates, it can kill a vampire, and when gay people drink it it turns them straight and makes their favorite football team the Atlanta Falcons.

During the 1990s and 2000s, several vitamin and supplement fads grabbed the attention of those who wanted to lose weight, increase muscle mass, or simply lead healthier lives. As we enter the 2010s, some new fads are beginning to have an influence on the vitamin and supplement market.

Vitamin and Supplement Fads in the 1990s

In the 1990s, nutrition scientists found that consuming taurine, an organic acid, could help athletes boost energy. This substance, however, is not found in foods, so vitamin and supplement companies started adding taurine to their products. This was all the rage for years, and discussions about the negative and positive effects of taurine continued throughout the 2000s. Today you can still find it in most energy drinks, but few companies hype its benefits, probably because they are well known and few negative side effects have been found when the acid is consumed in moderate amounts.

Many athletes started using creatine in the 1990s as well. Creatine is a nitrogenous organic acid found in the human body. Consuming large amounts of this substance could increase muscle mass. Some purport that it can even boost IQ. Researchers studying the IQ-enhancing abilities of creatine found that it did not do much more than a placebo, but there is evidence that it can increase muscle mass. Creatine is also safe when taken in moderate doses for short periods of time. There are, however, studies showing that long-term use can lead to health problems.

Vitamin and Supplement Fads in the 2000s

St. John’s wort has been used for medicinal purposes for hundreds of years, but drug stores had to start placing more bottles of it on their shelves in the late 1990s and early 2000s as more and more people wanted to use supplements containing this herb to treat depression and anxiety. Some studies show that St. John’s wort is more effective than a placebo at treating depression, but people should consider the possible impact of choosing alternative medicines that don’t actually cure emotional and mental troubles. Even if St. John’s wort successfully treats some mild cases of depression, more severe cases can become worse when not treated effectively.

Emerging Vitamin and Supplement Fads in 2010

All three of these trends still exist in the vitamin and supplement industry, and chances are that consumers will continue to buy them. Given that there is some evidence that they produce the desired results, perhaps there isn’t any reason for them to disappear from drug store shelves.

Even after 2010 had barely gotten started, there were some emerging fads that could continue to grow throughout the decade. One of the ways to spot potential fads is that they claim to cure just about anything. One up-and-coming supplement to keep an eye on is CoQ10, which supposedly increases lifespan, lowers blood pressure, treats cancer, reduces migraine headaches, and benefits those with congestive heart failure.

I knew my female friend, who shall go unnamed, liked kinky things.

The first time I met her I was asked to help her move, and while moving some things out of her closet I noticed a bunch of whips hanging on the wall. I thought to myself, “This gal is kinky, I should get to really befriending her.” Since then, after years of not having sex, we’ve come to enjoy each others company, and I get the added benefit of, while enjoying her company, pretending she is holding a whip while we’re both sitting there talking about how excited we are that the new Mario Bros. game is coming out soon.

Then I got this letter in my email that said, “Hey check out what _____’s ex-boyfriend invented.” I assumed it would be a cactus that sings “Sympathy For The Devil” or a coffee cup with a picture of Dilbert on it, but instead it was the thing pictured above. The description the website provides of its use isn’t very specific though. It just says, “[the leather dog mask] is ready for hard play and long term wear.”  I would encourage any one leaving comments on this post to describe what they think the leather dog mask is actually intended for. I know that if I was to purchase the leather dog mask I would almost certainly mostly use it either for wearing while changing my son’s diapers, or for getting the mail.

(Photo Source: Stockroom)

When you go to a bar, what’s the first thing you do? The first thing I do is get annoyed that they’ve turned up the bad techno so loud and leave. For many others, though, the first thing they do is walk up to the bar and order their drink of choice.  Every drink available says something about the person ordering it. For instance, ordering a Tecate means, “I’m obviously really angry at my own mouth.”  But there are many drinks besides Tecate, because we do not live in hell, and as such, below is a list of such drinks:

What Your Drink of Choice Says About You

Martini:
I am either the CEO of a powerful international corporation, or a single mother.

Jack and Coke:
I own a Mustang Cobra that I paid for with my Dad’s money, and I listen to Papa Roach while I work out.

Gin and Tonic:
I’m intelligent, and good looking, can flex my chest muscles and my name is Daniel Dominguez and this is my favorite drink.

Three Wise Men:
I have an ironic mustache.

Bud Light:
I grow pot in my dorm room, and I’ve convinced my RA that I’m growing chives, which he believes because he grew up Mormon.

Coors Light:
See Bud Light.

Natural Ice:
See Coors Light.

Michelob:
I am 140 years old. I watch daytime TV because I don’t have a job and everyone tells me to get off my ass and stop watching “Judge Judy” all day. And my wife yells at me every Saturday when I come to pick up my kids for the weekend. But at least I can still have kids at 140.

Stella Artois:
I haven’t figured out that this is basically the Bud Light of Italy. Also, I like to pretend that I’ve been to Europe even though I haven’t. Also, I think that Captain Morgan was a real guy.

Steel Reserve:
I want to beat the shit out of somebody. Anybody.

Semen in a glass with a cherry on top:
I’m gay.

Semen in a glass with a cherry on top delivered to me by a schoolgirl whose hands are bound by thick rope:
I’m Japanese.

Red Bull and Vodka:
I just broke up with my boyfriend and I plan to get so drunk that I throw up hard enough to blow myself out of my high heels.

Bacardi 101:
I plan to get black out drunk and wake up in a dumpster. But in style.

Moonshine:
I plan to get black out drunk, closed-fist punch a raccoon and wake up in a dumpster. But not in style.

Wild Turkey:
I am our 23rd President, Andrew Jackson.

Hennesey:
My album just dropped.

Night Train:
My album will never drop.

Heffewizen:
I will probably reference something about having visited one of Dave Egger’s “crazy theme stores” at some point during the conversation so you know that I’m culturally plugged in.

Mickey’s:
I didn’t get into the fraternity because the egg they made me carry with my anus from one end of the football stadium to the other kept breaking.

Human Blood:
I am a vampire.

Human Brains:
I am a zombie.

A Human Child’s Heart:
I am Dr. Phil.

Although nothing’s going to impress your friends quite like telling them that the beer you’re drinking is from frickin’ space, the beer doesn’t taste any different than the standard issue Sapporo. That’s kind of the point, though, says Sapporo in a press release. The beer proves that, eventually, Astronauts will be able to brew their own beer in space. Sapporo also says that this experiment bodes well for future space agriculture as it’s exactly the same as terrestrial agriculture, albeit about fifty times more expensive.

The brewery is selling 256 six-packs of their brew, and although the fact that it came from space might impress women and help get you laid, a bottle will set you back about $19 (which, if you drank a bunch of Sapporo before reading this, is about $114 per six-pack). And while getting your sweety to drink beer instead of her usual flowery, umbrella-laden cocktails, it’s only available via a special lottery on their website. And you can only get it if you’re Japanese. Bummer, huh? Guess now you’ll have to rely on your charm and good looks to get women.

But there is an up side to the story. The brewery plans on using the marketing campaign to get Japanese school children involved in the sciences, particularly those involving space study and exploration. They plan to achieve that by inviting children to their brewery to drink barley tea and indoctrinate their young, malleable minds to drink delicious, smooth, crisp Sapporo. As I said, things are better in Asia than they are in the United States.

This photo is not ironic. See, irony implies that what you expect and what actually happens are at odds. But this fool looks like he deserves to go to jail simply for not having the foresight to heed the sage advice of his own t-shirt.

(Photo via: College Humor)

So when you’re really drunk like I was last night, and the bathroom is already occupied and you really have to go, you shouldn’t frantically look around, see a condom on the table and then try to pee into it.  It doesn’t make the condom get bigger like a balloon. It just shoots back … onto you. All of it … onto you. And then, when your girlfriend walks in holding a glass of red wine like an adult and sees your own piss shoot up at you, don’t scream-laugh, “I think I’m making a big mistake!”

Because there will be no sex for you. Ever again.

By the way, if you like sex, and I recommend that you do, here’s something you should look at that will make you think of sex.

Led by Psychologist Dr Colin Hendrie, a team of scientists decided to find out exactly how much skin a woman should show if she wants to attract a man. Yes, more than one scientist decided that they should do this study.  Apparently the research team had narrowed down the experiments they wanted to do to either that study, “determining the effective of velocity on dark matter,” or, “discovering how much whipped cream a breast requires in order to look awesome.” But to the findings! According to the researchers, the optimal amount of skin for a woman to show is 40%. Any less skin than that and men pass by the woman for one who is more willing to let them see hot parts of her body. The researchers, in my fictional universe where everything is better, referred to the women who showed off more skin as “Optimal Women.”

That said, there are lots of things women can do besides wear clothing that shows off exactly 40% of their bodies. They could wear a shirt that says, “I am willing to give a blowjob to _________,” and then write the name of the guy they want to be noticed by in the blank. They could also get drunk enough that they look easy to convince. They could even have a loud conversation with their friend they’re standing with where they keep referring to their own hands as, “The places where I like to store men’s penises.”

Women who showed more than 40%, surprisingly, were also passed on by men. The researchers theorized this was because men don’t want women whom they perceived might cheat on them later or that might be too easy. Which I never understood. Women that seem like they want to have lots of sex are the best women of all. Those women should be handed awards and painted in great works of art with tales of their greatness passed down from generation to generation. They shouldn’t be shunned by men, which we now know they are, thanks to science. So as a service to all women who show off more than 40% of their body when they go out to the bar, I am officially letting you know that I am there for you.

But wait, you might be saying, what features does Dan have that make him an attractive mate? Well, I am 5′10″, 28-years-old, I just got my first three nostril hairs, and I make slightly under $600 a month. I sometimes sleep out behind a Radio Shack, but it’s the nice Radio Shack near the Beverly Center. If all of that appeals to you, you don’t mind me singing old Smashing Pumpkins songs under my breath when I get nervous, and are a “7″ or better, feel free to contact me.

Speaking of women who show off more than 40% of their bodies, Two Miss Universe competitors recently got caught in a three-way sex tape. By the way, ladies, making and distributing a three-way sex tape is another great way to get men to have sex with you.

Every year it seems the variety of awful hairstyles grows by leaps and bounds, and we usually don’t realize it’s happened until it’s too late. A brother, a friend, sadly even we ourselves sometimes fall into the trap of the hair-fad. That being said, you don’t have to ever let it happen to you or any of your compatriots ever again. These 20 terrible, ridiculous hairstyles need to be laid to rest, and you can help. Some may be more noticeably ridiculous than others, but all are equally wrong.

The Robert Pattinson

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Yes, yes, we believe you. You didn’t see Twilight because you wanted to, but because your girlfriend made you, right? It’s alright, your secret’s safe with us. Just bear in mind that Pattinson may be able to wear this ridiculous hairstyle, but it doesn’t mean that you can get away with it.

Bleached Jersey Spikes

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You know you’ve seen these, and hopefully left whatever party you were at when it happened. The Bleached Jersey Spikes, also known as the Frosty Douchebag Spikes, are essential to any large gathering of douchebags. You simply cannot have a proper douchebag-party without these.

Faux Hawk

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It started lame and earned it’s faux title, then it became ironic and got worn by everyone, which in turn morphed into it somehow being cool. Stop it. This was lame when it started, and nothing’s changed but the number of guys who think they look hard wearing it.

Mohawk

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We’re not about to speak ill of the classic, but this is something that simply shouldn’t be done. It had it’s day, and it was done correctly, but it’s better left to the once in a lifetime photo-op usage that it’s been relegated to in the past. If you’re going to do this one, please, just do it for the picture and then shave your head. Maintain some dignity, if not for yourself, for your friends and loved ones.

Bowl Cut

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What started out millennia ago as the simplest way to cut a boy’s hair, the Bowl Cut has somehow stuck around long enough now to become both lame and overdone. We’re surprised this hideous affliction still exists, but considering the rest of this list, it’s not such a surprise after all.

The Unnecessary Buzz Cut

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This goes out to all the manly men who think they either want or need a Buzz Cut. Unless you’re being forced into it by a man with a campaign hat and very, very shiny combat boots, you’re just making yourself look like a baby monkey for no discernible reason. Stop it.

The Labyrinth

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This was funny back in 1992, now it’s just sad. It’s ridiculous that we should ever see it happen in this day and age, but it does. If you see a guy with carved designs in his head, please, feel free to bust out a sharpie and try to find the right path. When he complains, just ask him what the hell he was thinking when he asked some guy to go tribal on his scalp. His answer will dictate whether or not you should continue the sharpie abuse on his face.

The Preppy

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You know who you are. Do your really think this highly of yourself? You should know; every time you walk out of the house, no less than one million people want to punch you in the face. It’s a statistical fact.

Emo Traditional

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Here we have the ubiquitous Emo Traditional. It’s black, with the appearance of unkempt tussle that upon closer inspection proves to be sculpted. It’s long enough to cover at least one eye. It must cover one eye. It’s often accompanied by black manscara, and a pouty face. You should not, under any circumstances, submit yourself to this hairstyle.

Emo Colored

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The Emo Colored is a remix of the Traditional, and it’s simply done. Take the base Traditional and add ridiculous color of your choice. Badly bleaching the hair may be a suitable alternative. Also, if you’re considering this style, you should punch yourself in the face. It’ll save someone else the trouble.

Scene Traditional

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A close relative of the Emo Traditional, Scene Traditional takes the same idea to the extreme. Eyes may remain uncovered, but there must be an abundance of product. Hair must resemble Sonic the Hedgehog or any anime character of your choice. You must also have a willingness to be punched in the face.

Scene Peacock

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The Peacock variant for Scene Traditional is a popular one among the throngs of scene kids who appreciate a good punch in the face. This one is particularly difficult to get right without help, so be sure to invite a friend. This variant is especially effective with one or both eyes covered, as it will accentuate the ridiculous peacock explosion of hair happening behind your head.

The Grease

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This look is surprisingly simple. You must not like girls hitting on you, because that will cease, and you must not like shampoo (or showers in general). These criteria being met, you will simply have to live your life normally, but with elevated PBR consumption. If you do all this, then you too can attain The Grease.

The Hairmet

It’s nearly impossible to actually put to words how ridiculous this is. It’s not anything as flashy as a Mohawk or a Scene cut of any sort, and it’s nothing as hilarious as a Mullet, but it has the uncanny effect of making men want to punch the wearer in the face nonetheless. If you ever catch yourself behaving as Chad Rogers does in the video, you may want to consider stopping.

The Wisp Fairy

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Known as the Lazy Scenester or Wannabe J-Pop, the Wisp Fairy is basically a failed attempt at either (or both) hairstyles. It’s a style completely devoid of any product, because it’s been fried into oblivion by every product. It’s been theorized to have the consistency of cotton candy, but since no wearer of this has ever successfully landed a girlfriend, no hand has ever touched a Wisp Fairy head of hair to verify this claim.

The Douchebag

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The Douchebag is aptly named, as any wearer of this style is the quintessential douchebag. The color is not nearly as important as the actual styling for this cut, but slow bleach-fade is preferable. The hair must be sculpted to “perfection” and remain in like fashion throughout the day. It must have the appearance of glued hair. It must be accompanied by douchebag behavior.

The Lego Man

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This style is especially popular in the major cities, chiefly New York and Los Angeles. It’s high fashion, and as such is highly pretentious; the wearer must have a trust fund, or strongly desire the appearance of a man with absolutely no skills in any field. Any man wearing this cut is not allowed to drive any car but a BMW that has been purchased by his own mother.

The Trashbag

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This classic cut, the Trashbag, has been around since roughly 1972. It’s held its own for so long on the same merit that kept sleeveless T-shirts and mutton-chops in existence. There is no circumstance in which it is OK to wear this hairstyle, unless you appreciate time spent in your garage, alone, with your father’s old copies of Easy Rider magazine.

The Snape

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This cut was once called the Trent Reznor, but those days are long since over as Trent cleaned up. Since then, however, Harry Potter gave us Snape. What hasn’t changed though, is who wears this awful, greasy, matted down blanket of hair. To wear this style, you are not only admitting that you have no choice but to mimic what you see, but you must also agree to a life of celibacy.

The Flat-Top Mullet

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In a recent resurgence of trendy irony, any and all manner of ridiculous Mullets have been spotted. Above them all in terms of sheer awesomeness is the Flat-Top Mullet. This hairstyle is so incomprehensible that it breaks common decency laws in all fifty states, as well as most of the E.U. Don’t let hipster-driven anti-fads push you into something as ridiculous as this.

NerdyShirts.com is hooking us up with some funny t shirts that five of you lucky readers will get your hands on. Specializing in the funniest pop culture referenced shirts online, NerdyShirts.com also offers an array of accessories that could work to complete your geeked out look!

Here’s how to enter!

Leave a comment telling us YOUR FAVORITE POP CULTURE REFERENCE OF ALL-TIME (e.g. “That’s What She Said”)

Follow us on Twitter and Tweet this: “I’m a funny T-Shirt whore thanks to @Manolith @NerdyShirts” along with a link (http://bit.ly/19aJAA) back to this post.

You get one entry for each of the above, so the more you enter, the more chances you have to win!

NOTE: Please use a valid e-mail address.

FIVE winners will be chosen randomly.

Giveaway ends Wednesday 11/11/09. Winners will be reached by email, and announced on the blog on 11/11/09.

Whether it’s true or not, it would be really amazing if this catches on. Known ’round the world and on TV for their gallows humor, cops in New York have apparently adopted a new nickname for the hipsters that populate Williamsburg: Marshmallows. According to a Tweet by kirstengronberg, she found out that New York’s finest now refer to hipsters as marshmallows due to being predominately white and soft.

Though Manolith’s own Ned Hepburn claimed to be glad the current hipster thing is dying out, I, for one, hope it stays around for a little while longer — especially if marshmallow really takes off as an insult.

Among certain bearded, PBR-drinking, converted fixed-gear riding crowds, calling someone the H-word is about as offensive as a racial slur, but could you imagine how amazing it would be to walk into your local dive bar and watch an argument about skid-stopping techniques come to blows between two bike messenger wannabes after one calls the other a marshmallow?

Do we call drunk hipsters toasted marshmallows?

Could you imagine what the next generation will think if this takes off and the nickname “marshmallow” ends hipsterdom as we currently know it? Does this mean we can think of marshmallows hipsters like Ray Stantz did in Ghostbusters, as “something that could never possibly destroy us”? The possibilities are endless.

Thank you, NYPD.

(image via x-entertainment.com)