The QA person got fired after this product was released.

(Photo Via: CollegeHumor)

I’d arrived a bit early, early enough she hadn’t finished getting ready. (There were issues with her plumbing, and the plumbers were giving her the runaround. They were gonna show up early, then not for days, then maybe that afternoon. Very disconcerting.) I think it was all the mess with the plumbers that had her just too weak to resist, unwilling to worry about me watching this ever-so-sacred female act. She kept saying “you’re not supposed to see this.”

She kept saying it, but he didn’t hide away in the bathroom, didn’t send me into another room to play Sim City on my phone while she got ready. (I’m getting really good at Sim City on my phone, btw.) In a way, I relished the amount of comfort & trust she was giving me, allowing me to see her in such a physically vulnerable way.

So I sat quietly, only speaking when spoken to, let her do her thing, made but one request: “If you could, how about you put on as little as you feel comfortable with.” It’s something I commonly ask my models, when I remember. (I got a memory like a steel sieve.)

With Alie, though, it was worth mentioning because her make-up is very intentional and has a definite effect on the look of her face.

Her style is fairly vintage, and her make-up tends to accentuate that effect, give her a bit of a ’50s look that’s quite strong. Quite attractive, too.

BUT.

Seeing her without her make-up, I realized that, if I could get her to leave most of it off, I’d get a more honest portrait of her, a very different feel to all of the shots.

As she put on her make-up, we talked. And she put on more make-up. I didn’t mind. I knew when I asked that the odds were against me. Because this is how it’s supposed to be, yeah? And yet, I would personally much prefer if women didn’t wear make-up. But that there would start a whole Thing, wouldn’t it? No make-up, well then maybe no shaving, then nobody shaves, then we live in a world where everybody looks like they live on Planet of the Apes.

And yet, I’d love to see this city without make-up for just one day. I’d love to be able to photograph folks as they really are, maybe that’s it. Warts and all. Well, maybe not warts. Those are gross.

In the end, Alie ended up applying her normal amount of make-up, and we had ourselves a splendid shoot, because make-up or not, she is a stunner. But don’t be surprised if I show up early next time she & I shoot. By accident, of course.

Never trust purple dinosaurs.

(Photo Via: ImgBit)

I think they’ve finally found their niche.

(Via: ImgBit)

Sarah Palin is currently making, among a litany of other complaints—along with her passing the buck and lying in her autobiography that she didn’t write—a huge fuss about the Newsweek cover story on her. It reads in bold print, “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Sarah?” And there she is, doing what she SHOULD be paid to do. Posing. Instead of talking and governing badly. She said Newsweek should focus on more substantive issues, but without using big words like substantive because that ain’t how normal people talk. You posed for the picture. You’re wearing short work-out shorts and running shoes. They make track pants, you know. The picture was re-used in a story that might not have a positive light. Suck it up, Sarah. Grow some goddamn balls. And have the foresight to not take pictures like that if they might come back and bite you in the ass in the future, HURRRDURR.

There’s talk of the cover being sexist. Palin’s spokesperson said …

The out-of-context Newsweek approach is sexist and oh-so-expected. If anyone can learn anything from it: it shows you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, gender, or color of skin. The media will do anything to draw attention.

If it’s oh-so-expected, jaded spokesperson, then why are you even commenting on it?

No matter how many criticisms people level at Sarah Palin, she passes them off as being sexist. And not knowing any better. And, here’s what you should do, because I’m Sarah Palin and I know better. She’s going to be made fun of, simply because the disconnect between what she thinks she knows and reality IS HUGE. And disconnect EQUALS funny. And when she’s confronted with the reality of what she is, she gets irritated. We’ve all known people like that, those whose realities are informed by their ego’s perceptions. If she were as dumb as she is and she happened to be a guy, people would make fun of her. But not as badly. Not because she’s a woman, but because she’s a giant comedic cliché. An ex-beauty queen hung up on herself who somehow, through flukes in the system, managed to grasp onto power and 15 minutes of fame? Come on.

That’s funny. Now suck it up. And run for president. I want to see how many ways your feet can find their way into your mouth with those running shoes on.

Never will I have to make those life altering decisions again. “I’m loving it!”

(Photo Via: YepYep)

This cat is definitely on the juice.

(Photo Via: Unstructed)

However, if you have gotten this far into the text, then surely, you are either not attracted to women, or some form of literate non-human entity that I have yet to encounter. Possibly you are some form of vegetable that gained sentience, or Lieutenant Commander Data from Star Trek.

I have so many questions for those of you who fall into this category. Mainly, what’s it like to look at Marisa Miller and have no sexual feelings at all? What, for fuck’s sake? I am seriously, earnestly asking, because it simply does not compute in my non-robotic, non-vegetable mind. Her body is literally perfect. And it’s not just that; the shape of her mouth is so damn sexy, especially in that teasing half-smile found in so many of her photos.

To me, the notion of not being turned on by her is kind of a newer, better version of the old Zen meditative riddle about a tree: If you met Marisa Miller and she failed to give you wood and no one was around, would you make a sound? I don’t think that would be possible for me, but if I did happen to encounter her, I know that I would try my best to get a solid mental picture, then find a private place and make the sound of one hand clapping.

Glenn Beck is Miley Cyrus

Both sell out tours, and nobody really knows why. Both are treated in a condescending way by members of their own professions, because they’re kinda nutters, yet keep getting gigs. Both are spawned by poor white trash, (Beck’s words), and both have incredibly doughy faces. Like, you could knead Glenn Beck and Miley’s face together and have a delicious Italian meal.

Bill O’Reilly is Walt Disney

They helped build their respective brand-names, on the backs of baiting white majorities, and casually making fun of minorities. Just casually. Also, they both look like crotchety guys who sit on porches. The only difference is Walt Disney had vision. Bill O’Reilly just has a gigantic head. Literally, a gigantic head.

Greta Van Susteren is Raven Symone

Just because every time I see them, I find myself crying at the TV, “WHY? WHY IS SHE HERE?! SHE’S SO DAMN AWKWARD!” The only difference between the two is Greta Van Susteren talks like a black comic doing a bad impression of a white person. Just like little orphan Annie Coulter.

Little Orphan Annie Coulter is Ashley Tisdale and Lindsay Lohan

They’re both blond, look kinda equine, and are known for playing bitches. Although little Annie Coulter is getting way less convincing than The Tis. But I feel like orphan Annie could also be Lindsay Lohan, as anybody who has seen Annie speak, myself included, has come away convinced that not only does she ramble incoherently, she has an eating disorder.

Sean Hannity is Cole Sprouse

Well, they both look like gigantic babies. And I get the feeling that, like Sean Hannity, if Cole Sprouse was not on TV, he would be working construction. Like Sean Hannity did. Because Sean Hannity never graduated from a college. Enjoy your news.

Mike Huckabee is All of the Country Bears Rolled into a Single Person

Seriously. He is.

Bill Hemmer is Zac Efron

It’s the hair. The hair. The impossibly coiffed hair. Also, the fact that they are porcelain dolls.

(Source)

Jane Skinner is Vanessa Hudgens

Both are omnipresent in their company’s productions, and as of this moment, nobody can explain to me why.

I would post the infomercial, but that would just be cruel.

Via: ImgBit

In case you didn’t catch the first part: “How To Use A Baby”

Via: ImgBit

This cat don’t play no games.

(Photo Via: TheChive)

Imagine when parent career day comes around.

(Photo Via: ImgBit)

25 Awesome Fast Food Toys
ScreenJunkies

Human Sleeping Bag
TheCoolist

25 Epic Automobile Fails
HolyTaco

6 Insane Laws We’ll Need in the Future
Cracked

Top 10 Reasons Why The World Won’t End in 2012
Discovery

Digital Distraction Hierarchy (Pyramid Chart)
PSFK

Lil Wayne: The Documentary Trailer
BuzzFeed

If there are any positions we forgot on this list, please feel free to let us know in the comments.

(Photo Via: PhotoBasement)

Being from Chicago, I have a special place in my heart filled with hatred for Sammy Sosa. Even though he played for the Cubs. (I’m a Sox fan.) But whenever he did step up to the plate for the Cubs, you were guaranteed one of two things. He would hit a home run, or he would strike out. Pretty black and white. Now, it appears Sammy Sosa wants to BE white.

Cue up the guitar intro from Michael Jackson’s “Black or White.” Cause it looks like Sosa is emulating him. Not in the sense that he is dead, and people are milking him for all he is worth, more in the sense that his skin turned miraculously white in the last six months. Honestly, Sammy Sosa, what were you thinking? Your strengths aren’t in the fact that you are really ridiculously good looking, you were paid to hit a ball really hard for a prolonged period of time. What’s the point of doing beauty surgery on yourself? Also, why would anybody want to be whiter, for christsakes? I’m as pale as a ghost and never viewed it as an asset. I’d much rather have pigmentation. Seriously. I’d rather be harassed by the cops than get sunburned. Cause you can’t sue the sun.

Why, Sammy. WHY?

Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong was arrested by Berkeley, California, cops in January 2003 and charged with drunk driving. The 30-year-old punk rocker was behind the wheel of his black BMW convertible when police pulled him over for speeding. After smelling booze on his breath, police administered a breathalyzer test, with Armstrong blowing a .18, more than twice the state’s legal limit of .08.

Well, it sure as hell looks like they have. Despite being eviscerated on South Park, The Sea Shepherds are still saving whales. As well they should. You can’t stop saving endangered animals because a show makes fun of you. If that happened, the Crocodile Hunter would be SOL.

The Shepherds have got a new boat. I should’ve titled this article look at this f*cking boat. Cause look at this f*cking boat. This boat is insane. This boat will sneak into your house in the night and steal your shiniest jewelery, before you can even wake up to see it. And if you do see it, it can disguise itself as your furniture. Clearly, I’m making this up. But apparently the people responsible for “Whale Wars” received enough scratch this last season to buy a fancy new boat for their interns to wreck, just like their helicopter. Look at it. It’s called the Earthrace Superboat, and you want to lick it. It can dive under waves, and does 40 knots an hour and runs off of bio-diesel and sunshine.

What will the boat be used for? Simple. Intercepting harpoons fired at whales. Does this remind anyone else of Steve Zissou?

Call up the interns. Tell them we have a Willy Wonka boat for them to go on. Only, they may get shot with harpoons.

This is what happens when you don’t put her in a retirement home.

(Photo Via: FoundTwitPics)

What’s the saddest thing you’ve ever seen? A child who’s just been told that there is no Santa, then hit with the pancakes you made him for breakfast? A child building a tiny house of Legos for his pet bird, when it’s attacked by a hawk? A crying Native American? Wrong. A bear without hair is the saddest thing.

Specifically, Dolores the bear. Granted, I’ve never seen a bear in the wild, only in captivity. For surely, if I saw a bear, I would wrestle it to the ground using my brute strength, then remove its hair to make a duvet. But I’m not the one removing the fur from the bears at the Leipzig zoo. Some mysterious evil force is doing that, that zoo-keepers can’t identify. (Voldermort.) So all the bears in the zoo have suddenly lost their hair. And the veterinarians aren’t sure what’s doing it, causing the public to go crazy looking at the sight of hairless bears. Personally, I think it’s weird when people stare at something just because it has lost its hair. I learned that lesson as a child with my Uncle Geoff. It’s not nearly as amusing for them as it is for you.

There’s one good part of this that we can all learn. And that is how much a bear looks like a gigantic inquisitive dog without fur. And wise. Just imagine Dolores with glasses.

Nowadays, when I’m in the act of shooting, I think I’m great. I think I’m the best thing since sliced bread. I talk a lot, exude confidence — well, arrogance, really. I jump around, mock-surprised at how good a shot is, and reassure the models that we are making magic. And that feeling will sometimes last until I get home, and then I see one of Julia’s photos.

I look at her photos today, and it is the same as those many, many (three?) years ago. Because Julia is a Real Photographer.

I know because I’ve seen her operate. Seen her direct a model, compose, create within her mind, make it all happen. When I first met her, I was expecting someone distanced, maybe even a bit snooty. When someone who creates the photos she does, you expect them to be some genius who breathes rarefied air from a fancy canister. Someone who speaks above your pay grade. Instead, she was gregarious and excited. Jazzed. Yeah, jazzed, that’s the perfect word.

And almost three years later, jazzed is still the word I’d use to describe her. She draws a true excitement from photography and utilizes that to create amazing work. It’s an energy that definitely spreads, and energy goes a long way during a shoot. Best part? Julia’s getting big. Not all at once, and not nearly fast enough for her taste, but she moved down here early in the year to be a Professional Photographer, and now it’s happening.

I could spew out some more FOLLOW YOUR DREAM stuff at this point, but that’s not really what did it. Rather, what did it was damned hard work. Another reason she’s my hero. Maybe a far better reason that just, “ooh, she’s a really good photographer!”

She understands that to be successful in her field, you can’t just be talented: you have to work, work at your art, work at marketing yourself, at getting your name out there, and you need to be able to hustle, to get it the way it needs to be done, for the client.

Julia’s good at what would be the montage part of her story, where in a lot of fast edits you’re shown how she knocks on all the doors, takes all the meetings, leaves her portfolio, picks it up, then drops it off somewhere else. Except in real life, that there is a boatload of work.

She’s my hero because she’s willing to put in the work. For a lazy bastard like myself, that’s about as hardcore as it gets.

See Julia’s work at www.juliagaldo.com AND BE AMAZED.

When you think of minivans, you don’t often think of them being cool. More like, boxes, that lug around what was once cool, twenty years ago. A mobile container of atrophy. The devil’s pipe and smoking jacket. But Honda is looking to change all of that.

Concept cars are a great thing. They’re like giant models people build that may or may not ever happen, and are then shown off at giant conventions. Which is way cooler than the models that I built, which were also giant, and only shown off at conventions in my head. Conventions that were, surprisingly, more nerdy than Comic Con.

But if you’ve ever said to yourself, “I wish my minivan was more like a spaceship,” or “I wish my hybrid car was more like a spaceship,” or “Marty McFly was a douchebag, why didn’t he just ride in a mini-van? I want to go back in time in my minivan,” well, you’re in luck. And crazy. Simultaneously. Which is the best kind of lucky. The Skydeck is a model of a mini-van, complete with gullwing doors, sliding, military-like seating, and an engine that will not kill the environment and the trees you have planted for your children. Because it’s a hybrid car.

Also, it’s the sexiest minivan I’ve ever seen. I just want to lick it, and I think you will too.

Remember last week when photos from that sexy Mormon baking calendar thing leaked? Well, today even more photos have made their way into the world of Internet-land. But for those not yet up-to-date, here’s the story in short.

A few years back, an entrepreneurial dude named Chad Hardy had a great idea, he would make a calendar featuring sexy Mormons to, you know, let the world know that such things existed. His first project was “Men on a Mission,” a calender chock-full of sexy young Mormon men. This calendar was a huge success for Hardy, and women the world over loved the idea, however, unfortunately, the Mormon Church was not as excited. In fact, in response they excommunicated Mr. Hardy. Harsh.

Not one to give up though — as I said, quite the entrepreneur — Hardy has decided to double down on his effort, this time around with a calendar featuring sexy Mormon women, which he has titled “Hot Mormon Muffins.” And to make the double entendre all the more fun, he included 12 delicious muffin recipes to go along with all 12 delicious uhh, muffins women. Anyway, some of the photos from this new calendar leaked last week (as mentioned above) and you can check them out here, as for the new ones, check below!

He’s a true inspiration to fat people across the globe.

(Photo Via: AllLeftTurns)

Click on the images to reveal the answers!

1. This celeb has an eclectic mix of tats, this one’s a quote from Shakespeare’s “King Lear”.

2. Let’s just say I wont be surprised when this celeb end up in the “Guinness Book of World Records” for breaking some sort of tattoo related record! Here’s what they have to say about why they have so many, “I tattooed my body so I couldn’t fall back on anything. I purposely did that so I couldn’t get a normal job and live a normal life. I did it so I had to play music.”

3. This cute ankle tattoo has inspired young girls across the nation to make rosaries a permanent accessory to their wardrobes, this celeb was said to have gotten it to reaffirm her faith.

4. This big cross tat was actually to cover up another. It originally read, “carpe diem…with my girl,” the words “Carpe Diem” (Latin for “seize the day”). After they were divorced “with my girl” was covered by a cross.

5. This celeb is rumored to have eleven strategically placed tattoos… this is probably one of the most visible.

6. This celebrity is said to have gotten his first tattoo when he was only 13!

7. “Vivere senza rimipianti,” which means, “to live without regrets” in Italian. Unfortunately, for this celeb, the tattoo reads “rimipianti” instead of “rimpianti,” adding an extra “i”. I wonder if there are any regrets after all?

8. This sports bad boy was one of the first to sport tattoos on the court… loud and proud!

9. This celeb has the Sanskrit character of a lotus tattooed on the wrist. It’s so tiny most people don’t even know it’s there.

10. This tat is said to symbolize the loss of three family members.