The Bourne series helmed by Doug Liman, starring Matt Damon was not only a critical rout worldwide, but also a cash printing machine – grossing close to a billion dollars worldwide and providing a base for Matt Damon to be kicking ass over the period of half a decade. And now, it’s time for the series to reboot with a new man at the helm…Jeremy Renner. The man’s been getting work like a madman, appearing in The Avengers, the new Mission Impossible, and now he’s getting the reins of the Bourne series handed over to him. Basically, in the course of the year, Jeremy Renner has gone from an actor doing alright to the biggest action star in the world.

He deserves it. The Bourne Legacy’s trailer has been thrown on the internet with a resoundingly positive response. He plays a character named Aaron Cross – who is supposedly more formidable than Jason Bourne himself. Scary stuff.

You know what’s scarier? I bet you this’ll be the highest grossing entry in the entire series – all thanks to Jeremy Renner.

…but I bet you can’t think of one that is stupider than this one.

The LA County Board of Supervisors has made a few changes in the recreation rules on LA County Beaches. For those who are unfamiliar with our beaches in Los Angeles County, they stretch from Long Beach in the south to County Line in the north which is just up the road from Malibu. This includes, Hermosa, Manhattan, Marina, Venice, Santa Monica, Palisades, etc. Used to, you could really enjoy yourself on the beach–that’s slowly becoming a task.

Industrial refineries can pump tons of crap into the Pacific, but if you are caught playing football, throwing a Frisbee or performing other enjoyable activities on the beach, you will now be subject to a $1,000 fine. Seriously. This “rule” is in effect from Memorial Day to Labor Day. And it doesn’t merely include Frisbee and football. No person is allowed “to cast, toss, throw, kick or roll” any object on or across the beach with the exception of a volleyball or beach ball.

This means no football, soccer, baseball, rugby, Frisbee, paddle ball–what’s next, running? Swimming? Breathing?

But before you slap your hand to your head, it gets even better.

The $1,000 fine is also applicable to children who dig deeper than 18 inches in the sand. I’m not even kidding. I wouldn’t make up something so idiotic unless I was getting paid handsomely by people behind the scenes who were puppeting me around like a member of the LA County Board of Supervisors. And since that has already been done…

This city just continues to embarrass itself because of its budgetary shortfalls. And this city is willing to screw over anyone, including tourists who have no clue about such idiotic laws, in order to try and push back toward the black–which, ironically, you’d think could be achieved when being led by the blind.

Thinking down the long line of possibilities…there are few who would seem to meld with the late Princess Diana.

It was going to be Jessica Chastain, who has become the every woman of the film industry–a new name, but a well seasoned actress. If you didn’t see what she in did in Terrence Malick’s The Tree of Life, do yourself a favor and watch what she’s able to do without really every saying a word. She’s incredible. But, it seems scheduling, booking, other projects and who knows what, pulled her from this Princess project that is presently entitled, Caught in Flight.

So, who else to call but that girl from Tank Girl…The Ring…King Kong? Yeah? Sadly, that’s all people know Watts from. Because it has been a decade, the chatter about her perfection in David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive is rarely talked about or discussed outside of a film class, but let’s dive right back in. Tour de force.

Watts has chewed on other heavyweight roles–her work in films 21 Grams, I Heart Huckabees, Eastern Promises and most recently in J. Edgar have allowed her to jump all over the map, and prove that she is and has always been a formidable talent.

While biopics aren’t necessarily films that I’m interested in…considering that I’m loathing what they’re attempting with the Jeff Buckley biopic, Mystery White Boy, but this one…I’d like to see the collaboration of Watts and director Oliver Hirschbiegel. No doubt you’ve seen all the Downfall spoofs–he directed the actual film.

The answer is the league’s first Taiwanese player, a player who until recently had been relegated to the back-burner despite obvious displays of potential — Jeremy Lin. Can he save Knicks basketball? I sure hope so. For what purports to be the ‘greatest city in the world’, when was the last time they actually had a run or a chance of winning a title. Back in the early 90’s? This is a city whose residents thrive on playing basketball — yet you can’t produce a single dominating team for the past few decades? Pathetic. Orange and blue in NYC doesn’t seem to the colors of honor and pride — more like a badge that you’re on a squad who’ll be undercut, poorly organized, but still vehemently cheered for because of the pride in the big apple.

So it has been fun watching someone that’d typically get overlooked in a pro setting — Taiwanese, Harvard-grad — be the kind of leader that most of the overpaid, overexposed players with million-dollar contracts couldn’t be.

He put up his first career double-double last night against the Wizards, and his first dunk — terribly uncontested.

Watch what’s happening in New York…it’s one thing their sports teams typically aren’t. Exciting.

Proposition 8 has been overturned by a federals appeal panel in San Francisco as unconstitutional. People will no longer be able to point to the law or try to make laws the point to ones dictate what defines a loving and consensual relationship. There will be no more buzzwords like the sanctity of marriage tossed around, there’ll be no more conservatives wasting time on amendments that will define the world in a narrow scope, none of that. There will be celebrating out in the streets, and finally California will be able to catch up to all the other progressive states – like Iowa.

So if you’ve been waiting to marry your girlfriend because not everyone can get married – they can now. Provided they’re located in very specific states around the US. Now, it’s time for all states to follow suit, until there’s nowhere two members of the same gender can’t file their taxes together. In a few decades, people will wonder why we never let gay people get married in the first place. And that’s progress.

Leave the date and time of your gay wedding in the comments below, and we’ll try to crash it.

Their bad luck specifically came to a head when the almost Britishly named Chauncey Billups tore his Achilles tendon, grinding the season to a halt that had a lot of NBA analysts turning their heads and going, ‘GOOD LORD,’ the season where the Clippers transformed themselves into an ongoing joke and from the place people played when they wanted to stay in LA but weren’t good enough for the Lakers. Most impressively, watching the Clippers play this year has made for a sensation that the NBA has been lacking for quite some time – fun. Fun. At a certain point, a lot of basketball games start looking similar and it no longer becomes satiating to watch great play for the sake of great play. Sometimes you want an underdog story – and what’s more of a good story than a team that’s been operating in the red for decades coming to angrily bully the bullies?

Nothing. The loss of Billups will put a dent in that, though. The 35 year-old veteran was a mentor to Chris Paul and Blake Griffin and would always put up big shots. He’s committed to playing again this season, and we’re rooting for him.

While not everyone will be eligible for a “low risk” title, many can score it by offering a little more personal information to the ticket issuing process. Basically, you offer a little personal information, the powers that be look into your background and if you’re a good little boy or girl, you may be deemed low risk.

Once you score low risk status, you will receive a special boarding pass that allows passage through a special security line. Once you’ve reached the conveyor belt, you’ll be able to leave your belt and shoes on…maybe even a jacket and an absurdly large hat.

Your computer may even be able to stay in a bag, and you don’t have to put your toothpaste and deodorant brand on display for everyone in the security screening area. This will make pat downs far more efficient as well. No more romancing you with the removal of shoes and belts, they’ll just feel you up on the spot. Oh…I have such fond memories of the last pat down I received. The back of that guy’s latex gloved hand against my testes…amazing.

Presently, this program is underway at airports in Atlanta, Dallas, Detroit, Miami, Las Vegas, Los Angeles and Minneapolis-St. Paul–by the end of the year it will be implemented at 28 more throughout the nation.

Do you have what it takes to score low-risk status? Probably not if you’re reading this blog.

Unsurprisingly the one that America’s talking about features an icon of our film industry – Clint Eastwood, talking about second acts in America. Chrysler has been making a comeback that the government has been hoping for, displacing Toyota as the world’s largest automaker. Outside there’s a climate of toxicity, in our politics, beliefs, and the fact that we’re at the worst point in our nation’s history – in danger of being usurped by larger superpowers with more natural resources or workforces more motivated than our own. Sometimes we need an authoritarian figure to tell us what the right way to proceed, in this case, none other than Clint Eastwood’s iron jaw would suffice.

Watch the ad. It’s at the top. And wouldn’t you know it, our friends over at Fox News and different right-wing websites are claiming that it was a cloying ad with the intent to re-elect Obama.

I’d like to watch them TRY to tell Clint Eastwood that to his face. Then see what happens. It’s time to man up like Dirty Harry told you to.

Ruled a suicide by investigators, Carter’s skeletal remains were found late last month with a gunshot wound to the head, and a Smith and Wesson 9mm hand gun resting on his chest. He was found at the top of the second floor landing.

Let the questions flow forth.

Where were his friends? Where were his family members? What led to the discovery of his body?

With the answers to such questions, the story just becomes increasingly sad. It paints our socialscape as completely indifferent. According to those who knew Carter, he was distraught over a falling out with the mother of his daughter. According to the coroner’s report, this woman stated that Carter told her that he didn’t want to be in their lives anymore–this was in 2005. Friends believed that he had packed up and moved to New Mexico for a new lease on life after he quit his job in 2007.

After his death, the city continued to maintain the property, including lawn maintenance and clearing snow. Mail continued being delivered–only after it piled up did the post office cease delivery. His utilities had long been shut off. Taxes began to pile up due to the services rendered by the city, and a tax foreclosure was placed on the property. Only then did city reps enter the residence to find Carter’s remains.

He was a resident of West Allis, WI, an urban area within the Milwaukee metropolitan area. His friends stated that he was a very kind and generous individual. A chef by trade, he cared for his mother as she fought cancer until her death in 1997. He never knew his father.

Drafted by the Saints, pushed to Miami, bumped out of the league for smoke, sat, studied yoga, played in Canada, came back to Miami to truly impress and then picked up by the Baltimore Ravens. That’s a career. Ricky Williams was, and is, one of the most gifted athletes to ever step on a football field.

In terms of speed and power, there have been few to possess the refined gifts that Ricky Williams boasted. Maybe no others. With grossly underrated breakaway speed, Ricky could hit holes like lightning, and truck anyone who tried to plug a gap, from a linebacker to a free safety.

…and of course, he was still the player–maybe that player–who never was, or never realized his full potential because quite simply, he was and is different. And being different doesn’t vibe when you play for the shield marked NFL. When in shape, he still possesses definitive fitness, plyometric strength, neck breaking agility and impressive speed, but he’s done. After a year of playing behind Ray Rice and receiving limited carries, it seems that Ricky is done with football–at least that’s what he says.

Sure. I’m one of those who will always wonder…how many miles could Ricky have run for. Yeah. I said miles. There is no doubt in my mind that had he chosen to do so he could have run for 18,000 yards…that’s roughly 11 miles. Not to say that he should have, or would have. Rather to say thanks, Ricky. It has been an absolutely joy to watch you play football.

Blog Hipster Runoff is run by a man named Carles who writes horribly misspelled screeds about modern pop culture, under the ironic position that he is the last authentic content farmer on the internet. Nevermind that everyone is bored with hipster bashing — everyone. Doesn’t matter how many levels of irony steeped it is, they’re like a demon, if you break eye contact with them or stop talking about them, hipsters will go away. We’ve been mocking them for what, nine years now? Anyway, he’s taking issue with the indie music scene being inauthentic – never mind that most music scenes are inauthentic — and took to trying to bash Justin Vernon. Who took to calling out the guy on Twitter and talking about what a terrible person he is.

Really, some indie rock is going to be mellow and slow. If you have a problem with that, listen to the fast and hard indie rock. If you hate something because it’s popular, you’re engaging in the timeless measurement of trying to out-man it, but because you’re a hipster, all you can do is engage in internet backtalk.

Unfortunately, the new one doesn’t look to be as vivacious as Sam Raimi’s foray into the Marvel world, though technology has progressed and the story should be better because we’ve been given years to adjust to Spiderman as a concept. One thing it does have is Emma Stone and Martin Sheen, though – so who knows? Maybe the new Spiderman will be the most amazing entry in superhero movies – surpassing all expectations and finally turning Rhys Ifans into an unpronounceable household name. Maybe Andrew Garfield will be the most popular superhero character to ever grace the screen, and win an Oscar for his portrayal.

Maybe all the comic book fans worldwide will drool over themselves, or what I’m hoping to happen will be this — people will finally realize how pointless and boring remakes are. That movies aren’t pieces of product to be served, and when you treat them as such, it degrades their value the more the marketplace is flooded with shoddy, emotionless copies.

BUT HEY. SPIDERMAN. You know that you’ll be in line if you have nothing better to do that weekend.

I don’t know if they’re just content with the popular knowledge that commercials are worth a ton of money now that they’re in the Super Bowl, and stopped working as productively because they’ve internalized that lesson – but there seem to be a few continuing trends that have popped up repetitively.

1. Dogs will make your Super Bowl ad more lovable.

There are hundreds of millions of people watching the broadcast around the world, all of differing political affiliations, ethnicities, and creeds. They might not be able to agree on a lot, but once thing they all think? Puppies! So instead of writing a Super Bowl ad that’s contingent on structure or story, make puppies rain from the sky. Or fetch beer.

2. The majority of the companies who advertise make manly  chips and cars.

Why? Are there other companies with deep pockets clamoring to get a better audience for their products? Probably. But apparently the big impulse buys people are hoping for after a football game are cars filled with bags upon bags of Doritos.

3. When you replace Kim Kardashian as your spokesperson, magic happens.

Such is the case for Sketchers, who made the right choice in not pumping any more money into the swollen fame-vacuum of Kim Kardashian and replaced  her with a French bulldog in tennis shoes.

Who can sell shoes just as well as she can. Watch and enjoy one of the best Super Bowl commercials.

After being heckled by a few Giants fans and/or bandwagon Giants fans after the Patriots Super Bowl loss on Sunday night, Gisele remarked to her entourage: “My husband can not f**king throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.”

She simply couldn’t “believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

And you can’t blame Gisele for being frustrated…all things considered, she played it cool. Just another “friend” within her inner circle selling her out with a cell phone camera this time. So to her, I can see how she thought Wes Welker dropped the ball. Deion Branch dropped the ball. But did they, “drop” the ball… or did they do something rather spectacular to get their hands on the ball? Now, Aaron Hernandez…he straight up dropped the ball, but allow me to offer my two cents:

To those who have never played wide receiver or defended top-tier wide receivers on a football field: When moving at a high rate of speed, and having to adjust to a poorly thrown ball that is coming at an even higher rate of speed, a simple pass and catch becomes a physical challenge. Wes Welker was running a seam route, and Brady turned him around as if he was hitting him on a flag/corner.

In all fairness, Tom Brady had no choice but to put the ball there, because safety help was rapidly approaching from the inside. Bottom line, Brady missed Welker. Could Welker have made that catch? Absolutely. Would it have been an “easy” catch? No. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Very quick adjustment. (I will continue to argue that it is a more difficult catch than Manningham’s over the shoulder catch keeping his feet in bounds. That ball was dropped into the bucket. Great catch. Don’t misread what I’m writing. But Eli’s throw!? As sexy as a throw gets.)

Late in the game: Brady missed Branch on a similar play. Threw behind him. Chris Collinsworth stated during the broadcast that Branch should have sat in the window. I argue that if he sits 2 yards earlier in the route, Corey Webster picks that pass off, or breaks it up easily! Brady missed Branch.

Late in the 4th on the final drive for the Pats? The pass dropped by Branch should have been a pick by Antrel Rolle. Rolle made a great play on the ball that kept Branch from making an easy catch.

While Eli took the MVP honors, the Giants defense, as always, deserves an absurd amount of credit in beating New England…again…

So there you have it, Gisele–but you are right. Tom could never throw and catch the ball…he’s far too slow.

The world’s most famous cougar dropped a lackluster halftime show–honestly, what did we expect–but there were a few surprises. Surprises…as in musical acts that actually interested the pop music lover: LMFAO, Nicki Minaj, M.I.A. …Cee-Lo Green. There were some nice, unexpected, under 50 additions to this year’s Super Bowl halftime show, unfortunately–just as Janet Jackson did all those years ago–M.I.A. ensured that we won’t be seeing more of the under 50 crowd performing at halftime anytime soon.

I’m not a fan of anyone who performed tonight, aside from Cee-Lo. Have been enjoying his velvet since I became a fan of the Goodie Mob, and all efforts with the Dungeon Family back in the day, but the others…I can take ‘em, or most likely leave ‘em. No disrespect to the rest of you who enjoy…no disrespect like M.I.A. offered when she decided to fly the bird from downstage left.

It was looking like a legitimate, successful trial of mixing a little youth back into the halftime show, then M.I.A. thought she’d do her thing, and play “Where is tall man, where is tall man?” for all of the world to see. If you were ever curious as to the selfish nature of some of these people–well, wonder no more. If you thought it was cool… Why?

So. Who’s it gonna be next year? James Taylor? Andy Williams? (Actually I’d rather them than many other options.) Thanks again, M.I.A.

Anybody who saw the Black-Eyed Peas display their desperately cloying attrition on live entertainment and dancing last year would have welcomed any respite. I mean, if you have focused on a cloud in a wide shot, and watched it drift over the stadium, it would’ve made more sense than dressing up like robots from the future and performing the Black-Eyed Peas hits…most of which sound like they were crafted in the most inoffensive vacuum possible. Anything would be a welcome distraction. So, instead of the Black-Eyed Peas, the fine people over at the NFL decided to hire Madonna on to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. Madonna. In the most manly game of the year, because she’s got an album to plug, everybody loved what she did thirty years ago, in the 80’s. The truth is that Madonna hasn’t put out a decent album since the late 90’s — and her pop sensibilities are waning as we speak, so she has to collaborate with big names to try to sell — like Hard Candy. With Justin Timberlake and Timbaland.

Case in point, Give Me All Your Luvin’ — the single Madonna released yesterday.

Listen to it and try to tell yourself it’s not shrill.

I warned you that you were digging your own grave earlier this week…or last week? I really can’t remember, but I’m sticking by it. Again, I love how competitive you are, but man, this is sour grapes and bad business. Certainly not illegal, but definitely unethical.

Horse back in front of the cart…

Peyton Manning has been medically cleared to resume football activity by his team of doctors, including the surgeon responsible for the latest surgery on his neck that was supposed to fix the problem creating the problem–a legit solution. As soon as this news hit the airwaves, including your nearest WiFi connection, Jim Irsay jumped on Twitter and laid a few more shovel strokes to hole he now has at an impressive three feet of depth.

You see it right there with your own eyes. Irsay does not want to pay Peyton–not the monster option that he is owed–not with any uncertainty surrounding the ALL-UNIVERSE quarterback’s future. Irsay has stated that the fans would believe him to be “stupid,” if three years down the line they had nothing in the pipe, and had spent big on a player who panned. It’s almost too easy to infer. And I disagree–wholly.

Colts fans will offer a pass to Irsay in regards to Peyton Manning. They’ve already sided with Manning. Watch any of the sports talk shows shooting in Indianapolis right now. That joint is showering Irsay with boos. And if Jimmy needs another reminder: Peyton Manning is the reason the Super Bowl is in Indy this weekend.

Regardless of what Irsay and “The Horseshoe” decide, I believe Peyton wants to be away from Irsay. And the rumor mill is in rapid generation mode–it seems Manning will be sitting down to dinner with Larry Fitzgerald this weekend.

If you’re not in the know, this is a no-no for Hamilton, who has repeated violated MLB drug policies, and has lost complete seasons due to his past transgressions. It would be easy to say, “Big deal, he had a drink.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t work on his slim tolerance policy. He has fallen off the wagon before, and in order to keep him accountable, he is tested for any and all substances three times a week.

That sets the stage for Monday night.

Here’s my question. And before I ask it, I’m not suggesting that Josh Hamilton doesn’t own the ultimate responsibility here; however, who is serving this guy alcohol?

Is there anyone in the greater Dallas-Arlington-Fort Worth, Texas metropolitan area who doesn’t know of Josh Hamilton?

When he enters an establishment, is he not immediately recognized?

Who is he with? Who is so selfish that they take Josh Hamilton to a bar, and then start drinking alcohol in his presence. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Fine. That’s a lot of questions.

Yes. Josh Hamilton made the ultimate decision to put glass to lips, do a shot, take a pull off a straw–whatever the scenario may have been, I don’t know–but who around him thinks, “Oh, it’ll be OK, we’ll only let him have one drink…” whether, friend, acquaintance, server or bartender. While I may be barking up the wrong tree, and Hamilton may have wondered into the bar by himself, I still consider this to be definitive social failure.

Update: As details emerge, it has been reported that Rangers 2B, Ian Kinsler, traveled to the bar in an attempt to persuade Hamilton to leave. Anyone familiar with Ian Kinsler won’t be surprised to learn this. …but I still don’t get it…don’t get who is AT the bar serving this guy.

They’ve shut down the Pirate Bay. The resource people have been using for years in order to get free albums, music, movies, eBooks, comics, all without the hassle of paying for it. Some might refer to this as pirating, but in reality, it’s just being ‘too lazy for a library card’. You could get everything for free for a nominal fee that supports your city’s infrastructure — but the internet is about turning entitlement up to 11. You want things your way? Great. You want to sit down, have everything your way without paying the keepers of secrets and information? Prepare to be shut down. Prepare to have our government pirates beat the hell out of your internet pirates

The Pirate Bay has contributed to open information exchange and by their own words, assisted in leaks and revolutions around the world, but which revolutions? The ‘Bobby Anderson’ doesn’t want to pay for U2’s entire discography, because they’re already rich revolution?

So they can shut down the Pirate Bay. Realistically, it’s like stopping real pirates. When you think you’ve shut down a few important ones, the other ones come to your wharf and commandeer your dinghys.

Such is the situation the media faces when talking about Leslie Carter, who was found dead Tuesday in New York. The only reason the death is drawing so much publicity is she had the misfortune of being from a famous family that has battled substance abuse demons — preliminary reports are that those demons did her in, specifically through the intake of prescription drugs. The saddest thing about this story, besides the fact that the press really can’t ascribe much of an identity to her, is that Carter is leaving behind a one-year-old girl. Sad, sad, sad. Aaron left the run of his off-broadway production of ‘The Fantasticks’ to be with his family.

You gotta wonder what type of things are going on behind the scenes to make drug abuse so prevalent in one family – what type of emotional pain they had to go through growing up being the scions of showbiz parents and the siblings of teen stars, but wherever Leslie is, we hope she’s peaceful.

And that the media can be respectful. I’m sure she was more than someone’s sister.

Before we dive right in, I need to offer props to the city of Indianapolis. No. I’m not there–I’d love to be–but I have always recognized it as one of America’s most underrated cities. The red carpet has truly been rolled out! Jimmy Fallon’s absurdly energetic audience last night further proved that Jim Irsay owes this city, and their love affair with Peyton Manning, the benefit of the doubt. But. I digress.

Gisele Bundchen. She’s the wife of Tom–or should I say, Tommy–Brady.

She zipped out an email to close family and friends, and somehow the NY Post got their hands on it. Looks like one of the friends isn’t as “close” as she thought they were…or the NY Post will be the next organization to join the Rupert Murdoch school of hacking journalism. Regardless, the email read:

My sweet friends and family,

This Sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this Super Bowl. So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this Sunday. Thank you for your love and support. Love, G .

I have no issue with this–in fact, I think it’s rather awesome, but I do think this email offers a little insight into how insecure Tom has been leading up to the Super Bowl. Calling upon his QB guru to help him fix some mechanical issue, etc. I don’t think Tom is offering enough consideration to his busted up non-throwing shoulder–I’m convinced that it is affecting his body torque and his psyche. He just can’t fire the ball like he usually does.

Mrs. Brady? Gisele is sweet. Can’t fault a girl for caring for, and about her man. According to Tom, she offered him the best advice when facing the Giants front four: “Throw the ball quickly.” Seriously, Tom, you wanna win this one, it’s all about checking down and letting your players make plays.

To toss out my official prediction: Nothing Tom does will matter if Eli and the Giants WR corps play to their potential. The Giants possess more potential to absolutely brutalize the backside of the Patriots…defense…on that note…enjoy the Super Bowl this weekend!

But realistically, nobody cares this year. The weather has been so bizarre for the last five months, I wouldn’t be surprised if good ol’ Punxsutawney Phil comes out of his hole, freaks out, and tries to hang himself from a nearby tree. I was in New York for a better part of the year – and there was no snow until December. December. You know what that means? Somewhere up in the sky, there’s a weather god slowly dwindling away and losing his powers as we dump all sorts of pollutants on the earth. You don’t want to kill the friendly man in the sky, do you? Of course not. So we all need to shape up to do our part so the man in the sky doesn’t wither away and fall to Earth like life is a Gabriel Garcia Marquez story.

Tomorrow’s the big day. More importantly, when’s the day we’re going to domesticate groundhogs? When’s that day? We’re supposed to sit idly by while we watch one predict the weather? Isn’t that much harder than ANYTHING a dog does?

We should all have pet groundhogs. To the point where people can walk their groundhogs at the groundhog park, and we can all communally think about what the sky will look like in the coming days.

There are few women that are more legendary and overlooked than Joan Rivers – from paving the way for female comics, to being the first woman who hosts a primetime talk-show, she’s a dynamo.

And she’s still got a spark inside her that wants to break the rules and live her life, by getting high on camera in her new reality show on WE. Joan Rivers has told stories about getting high back in the day with Betty White, America’s sweetheart, but rarely are there shows which show actual drug use as it goes down. Usually, it’s so a group of people can intercede and make sure that the person stops shooting heroin into their neck or taking computer duster to the mouth – but this is Joan Rivers being unbridled and goofy. It’s pretty much the first time anyone has ever been drawn to watching a reality show about Joan Rivers, based on how goofy she is.

What does Joan Rivers do when she’s high?

–drinks water out of a shoe

–demands to go to a food truck

–talks about how many people are looking at the sky all over the world

–pulls her daughter into a jacuzzi

She’s earned all of that, and more.

Don Cornelius took the American Bandstand model and injected it with some legitimate funk. Not bad funk. Not good funk. Great funk. It was just over a year ago that Cornelius mentioned the possibility of a Soul Train biopic, about the life behind the show, and the various business chapters that opened and closed to keep “Love, Peace and So00000ul,” rolling into living rooms for decades.

The Los Angeles Police Department and LA County Coroner’s office reported that Mr. Cornelius’ death was of apparent suicide. Police received a call early on Wednesday morning–a report of gunshots at the Cornelius home located on Mulholland Drive in Sherman Oaks. While there has yet to be an official report, it seems odd when you hear the word “shots,” when a suicide by gun is most often signaled by a single shot. Chalk it up to poor reporting, or mystery. Time will tell.

When police arrived at the home, they found Mr. Cornelius lifeless, in the floor, with a gunshot wound to the head. The scene suggested that the wound was self-inflicted, yet there is an ongoing investigation. If anything new develops, we’ll keep you posted.

In honor of Don Cornelius…a little Soul Train line, with Don in the lead.

The X-Factor, Simon Cowell’s babe, debuted this past year on American television. Where he once bragged about the ratings it would garner, it barely managed to eek past The Voice, NBC’s big hit, certain weeks, and wound up crowning a winner that will probably go right into the bargain bins, as she’s as compelling as a freshly painted fence. Cowell’s after the ratings, though, so as a result, he’s axed most of the show’s staff in an effort to look like he can control the fact that people are sick of singing shows and don’t want to tune in. Steve Jones has been canned, Nicole ‘Pussycat Doll’ Scherzinger has left, and now – Paula Abdul has been fired. Sweet pill-guzzling grace, if Paula Abdul isn’t safe, then nobody is. Abdul was reportedly fired for being too sweet.

There you have it – the key to music competitions is being mean and not actually finding stars. The X-Factor will return next summer to Fox.

Get your popcorn ready. Nobody knows who’s going to take the reins.