I think the “behind-the-head” pass was completely unecessary, but one of the coolest I’ve ever seen.

Via: Break Videos

Star Trek only recently became actually cool, with the new release of the prequel. Before it was always borderline entertaining at best, and I say that as a Trekkie. So the motivation for d’Armond Speers teaching his son Klingon is unclear. Unless you want him to yell QAPLA! and challenge every other toddler to deathmatches in their tiny cribs. Imagine tiny babies hitting each other with BAT’LETHS, AS FIRST FORGED BY KAHLESS THE UNFORGETTABLE WHEN HE DROPPED HIS HAIR INTO A VOLCA … okay, I’ll stop.

d’Armond Speers isn’t a bad dad. Some dads only speak to their child in a mix of condescension and profanity. Says Speers:

“I was interested in the question of whether my son, going through his first language acquisition process, would acquire it like any human language. He was definitely starting to learn it.”

Yes. Your baby is smart enough to learn a language, but not enough to say, “DAD, YOU’RE AN IDIOT,” in his own.

Next up is “New Moon“, the next installment in the “Twilight” franchise. The populace seems to be pretty divided about this series, with some clutching it to their heaving bosoms and declaring undying (or undead) love, and others wishing for a stake through the heart — their own hearts, which will spare them from having to live through another two movies after this second one flies out. I’ve neither read the books nor seen the movies, but even before all this hype, I was done with vampires. There’s nothing new going on, nothing exciting happening, and I’m a werewolf fan anyway.

So imagine my surprise to find a guy who turns not just into a wolf, but a gigantic freaking wolf at that. More like a dire wolf, my D&D brethren. That almost got me interested, until I saw the trailer with all of Bella’s moping smack in place, and I just went and had a steak instead. It’s unlikely that this movie will change your opinion of “Twilight” either way, but hey, at least there’s werewolves in it. Check out the trailer below:

The CrustaStun is the newest way of killing crustaceans. It does it with an electric zap, instead of the old way. You know, hunting them down while singing, or bludgeoning their heads with rocks, or even boiling them in pots or taunting them as you nail them to walls. I don’t know, I’m not a chef. I DID read American Psycho though. Anyway, PETA, in their enthusiasm to show how lobsters can be killed humanely, invited a bunch of seafood lovers to an event. So they could eat lobsters. Killed humanely. Aren’t they supposed to be freeing them, or something?

Anyway, one thing they forgot to organize at the event was the shipment of the actual devices. The shipping courier lost the devices, and PETA was forced to kill hundreds of lobsters by boiling them. They then shook their fists angrily at the sky and cursed their bad luck.

When normal fail doesn’t fail enough, call PETA.

Source

In a story that could be ripped straight from a Chuck Palahniuk novel, the Peruvian Gang, who called themselves Pishtacos … wait, Pishtacos? That sounds like a man with a lisp telling you what kind of seafood he loves. But they were actually named after a demon who, according to Andean tradition, killed people to rob them of their body fat. Anyway, the gang was getting $15,000 a liter from murdering fat people and draining their liquid gold from their bodies. And most of the fat was then sold to European cosmetic companies. Meaning some European lady is putting processed dead person on her face to look beautiful. Here’s to ridiculous standards.

The gang is responsible for the disappearance of at least 60 people. They lured the obese with promises of jobs and — most likely — candy. Then they’d corner them on lonely roads, laugh as they tried to run away, and killed them.

All I have to say is thank God these guys never got to America. Cause we’d be in a spot.

Sarah Palin makes herself look bad every time she appears on television.

Michelle has a rare form of PSAS, where she goes through the day completely aroused and liable to orgasm at any moment. She used to work at a biscuit factory but had to quit because the rumbling of the machines was making her orgasm repeatedly.

That had to be an awkward talk. “Sorry, I’ve really enjoyed my stay here at the biscuit factory, and you’ve been very supportive and kind, but your biscuit machines keep getting me off. I have to leave before my undergarments turn wet enough to be converted into an Olympic-sized pool.” Anyway, Michelle wore through a string of men, leaving each feeling dejected and defeated.

Said Michelle, “I know I’m lucky to have so many orgasms when there are women who have never had one. But the condition has ruined my love life.”

Preach it sister. She’s finally found a man that will make love to her ten times a day, Andrew Carr.

What’s this mean? It’s a slow news day. That’s what it means.

Maybe it’s just the environment of Denmark where everything is purported to be more peaceful, but the website, which can be found here, is stylized like a video game. And not an incredibly complicated video game either. It’s a game where the entire purpose is revealed in the name. You must Hit The Bitch. Unfortunately, the game is too straightforward. There are no hidden levels, or dungeons. No secret bitches to hit. You can either use your web-cam or your mouse to drag a large hand across a woman’s face. Depending on how hard you hit her, you lose points off of your pussy meter and gain them on your gangsta meter. Also, her face gets covered in bruises and she curses at you, I assume, in Danish. Eventually once your gangsta meter is full, the woman falls on the floor, crying, and you are reprimanded in Danish, and called an idiot.

All in all, I learned nothing from the experience, except you can literally find anything on the internet. Even an anti-violence PSA where you get to hit women.

Image Source

Former Baywatch bombshell Carmen Electra is the latest celebrity making headlines with a leaked sex tape. The 37-year-old actress is supposedly seen making out with a naked brunette in a non-porn style fashion. Skeptics believe the tape was produced as a “publicity stunt” and that the intimate sessions were made to gain a buzz.

Electra, who is no stranger to public displays of her body (including Playboy appearances), has been relatively quiet on the acting scene as of late. Besides her roles in parodied movies such as “Scary Movie” and “Meet The Spartans,” her acting career has been a bit lackluster.

The tape in question shows Electra kissing and fondling another unnamed brunette women, but no actual sex takes place. In the past month we’ve seen a growing trend of sex tapes being leaked from semi-famous people (i.e. Carrie Prejean and Miss Universe), but it begs the question — are these tapes actually being leaked or purposely distributed by the women involved?

According to a recent Pew poll, only 36% of Americans believe in global warming. Blogger Dave R. at Care2 lets us know that that’s even less than the number of Americans that believe in HAUNTED HOUSES.  Also, apparently, according to another poll, only 39% of people in the United States believe in evolution. Fortunately though, less than 15% of Americans believe that Haunted Houses evolved from ordinary howler monkeys. Also Disturbing, more than 100% of Americans believe that Haunted Houses are the primary source of global warming (study pending).

But Americans don’t just disbelieve in the scientifically irrefutable realities of global warming and evolution, while at the same time believing that houses can be full of ghosts and that there is a place full of fire and brimstone that you go when you die, they also believe in lots of other nonsensical things.

Below is a list of the percentages of Americans that believe in surprising things:

28% of Americans believe that the movie Jaws is a documentary.

41% of Americans believe that if you step on a crack, your mother will contract syphilis

18% of Americans believe electricity is what happens when Jesus gets cranky.

24% of Americans believe that hybrid cars are part regular gasoline powered engine and part children who have been kidnapped by Japanese auto makers and turned into fuel.

59% of Americans think Jake Gyllenhaal is secretly a genie.

48% of Americans don’t sit directly on a toilet for fear that an alligator will come up through the sewer and bite them.

11% of Americans are worried they are alligators.

I think they’ve finally found their niche.

(Via: ImgBit)

Sarah Palin is currently making, among a litany of other complaints—along with her passing the buck and lying in her autobiography that she didn’t write—a huge fuss about the Newsweek cover story on her. It reads in bold print, “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Sarah?” And there she is, doing what she SHOULD be paid to do. Posing. Instead of talking and governing badly. She said Newsweek should focus on more substantive issues, but without using big words like substantive because that ain’t how normal people talk. You posed for the picture. You’re wearing short work-out shorts and running shoes. They make track pants, you know. The picture was re-used in a story that might not have a positive light. Suck it up, Sarah. Grow some goddamn balls. And have the foresight to not take pictures like that if they might come back and bite you in the ass in the future, HURRRDURR.

There’s talk of the cover being sexist. Palin’s spokesperson said …

The out-of-context Newsweek approach is sexist and oh-so-expected. If anyone can learn anything from it: it shows you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, gender, or color of skin. The media will do anything to draw attention.

If it’s oh-so-expected, jaded spokesperson, then why are you even commenting on it?

No matter how many criticisms people level at Sarah Palin, she passes them off as being sexist. And not knowing any better. And, here’s what you should do, because I’m Sarah Palin and I know better. She’s going to be made fun of, simply because the disconnect between what she thinks she knows and reality IS HUGE. And disconnect EQUALS funny. And when she’s confronted with the reality of what she is, she gets irritated. We’ve all known people like that, those whose realities are informed by their ego’s perceptions. If she were as dumb as she is and she happened to be a guy, people would make fun of her. But not as badly. Not because she’s a woman, but because she’s a giant comedic cliché. An ex-beauty queen hung up on herself who somehow, through flukes in the system, managed to grasp onto power and 15 minutes of fame? Come on.

That’s funny. Now suck it up. And run for president. I want to see how many ways your feet can find their way into your mouth with those running shoes on.

Miss Japan and Miss Trindad and Tobago are the new topic of conversation after a three-way sex tape involving the two hit the web today. Hiroko Mima (Japan) and Anya Ayoung-Chee (Trindidad and Tobago) represented their countries in the 2008 Miss Universe competition and the video was apparently made eight months after the actual event.

The videos, which are broken up into a couple of parts, are spreading like wildfire (not surprising), and will probably expel the two young ladies from the contest. For all you curious folk out there, Hollywood Grind has you covered with the exclusive footage.

(Via: TMZ)

File this under weird. In fact, throw out your file on weird, and file it under OMG, WHY?! WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?! You know how in the US, we get on meatheaded baseball players for injecting themselves with steroids that’ll make them big, and their genitals small? Well, in England, their soccer stars bathe their injuries in placenta.

That’s right. Placenta. One of my favorite quotes incorrectly attributed to someone is Tom Cruise talking about placenta. Allegedly. The story was fake, but they had the cadence and style of his speech down. Saying stuff like, “I’m going to eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious.” And he’s right. Placentas have a lot of nutrients. Which is why Arensal’s striker, Robin Van Persie is going to Serbia to partake in a vague healing ceremony where a woman washes your injury with fluid from a placenta. Said Robin:

“She is vague about her methods but I know she massages you using fluid from a placenta. I am going to try. It cannot hurt and, if it helps, it helps.”

There are a number of ways this could wind up bad. First, if the woman wants to give birth first, and you’re expected to wait to get fresh placenta. Nobody should deal with that. Second, where is she getting the placenta? Is she walking around with a jar, tricking neighborhood women?

And third, goddamn.

It’s typical for ninjas who have failed in their mission to sacrifice some part of themselves for the honor of the clan. If you’ve already dishonored yourself by potentially fatally harming yourself, what then becomes the punishment? Honestly, I’m just surprised that ninjas are still in the public consciousness. The last good ninja movie was, what, at least ten years ago? The upcoming Wachowski brothers movie “Ninja Assassin” notwithstanding, haven’t we moved on to pretending to be Shaolin monks or Ultimate Fighters by now? Hell, even being a Viking surely carries more cachet at this point than ninjas do.

Speedy recovery to the Michael Dudikoff wannabe, though. If you think scars are cool, then man, you hit the jackpot. Just tell them you got it while fighting a ninja, not being one.

The book is titled, “Help! Mom! The Radicals Are Ruining My Country!” Dawww. That’s adorable. I think it’s hilarious that the political discourse is so childish these days, it can be easily adapted to books with words that pop up and giant pictures. The author also wrote, “Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!” Which became a best-seller.

Okay, you know what this means? That this woman Katharine DeBrecht (What a special flower you must be to spell Catherine with a’s and a k. Perhaps modeling their names after their firearm choices?) has basically set up an entire career making stocking stuffers for idiots. Because you know children aren’t reading these books. These books are passed around the dinner tables by people with a vague interest in politics. Vague enough to be angry, not focused enough to actually read.

Which is why this book is a good idea. That picture is Nancy Pelosi, BTW.

Because they might all be dead soon. Every single one of your koalas. Including Kablooie, the koala who briefly took up residence in the Louisville Zoo. He may die. You know why? Because koalas get chlamydia. I’m sure you’ve never encountered a grosser case of alliteration than that. Koalas get chlamydia. I didn’t even know you could get killed by chlamydia, I thought it was one of the more benign STDs. Somebody get these koalas doxycycline. They don’t have to die. They just need to wrap up their koala gennies. (Interestingly enough, that was a rejected children’s snack.)

Deforestation, wildfires, and chlamydia have left the koala population devastated, dwindling from around 100,000 to 40,000. Global warming is changing their habitat, leading to drier leaves to eat, which leaves them malnourished. So if you know somebody who is still a global warming denier, punch them in the face for me. And tell them that you were sent by koalas.

What’s a wedding reception without a little pole dancing?

(Via: Break Videos)

Now, we’re all adults here, presumably. I think we can puzzle out what the acronym TWILF stands for. But the speculation has led people to seek an actual definition, with the result seeming to be something involving farting in the bathtub. That seems pretty unlikely, but even if we assume that to be true, the usage of “twilf” in conjunction with Twitter makes the meaning obvious.

What’s even funnier is that a great many sites are calling Al Gore out for this attack on Palin, even though I doubt very much that he had anything to do with the cartoon. Just because it’s partly his company doesn’t mean that he oversees every aspect of its day-to-day functions. What’s more, “GUN-HO” is an even more egregious attack than “twilf”, don’t you think? While it’s clearly a play on the term “gung ho”, usage of the word “ho” will probably be taken as a slur referring to loose sexual practice instead.

But above all else, this is satire and parody. All this kind of talk is allowable. I think everyone needs to calm down a bit and go back to whatever it was they were doing before they ever decided to become outraged by proxy on Palin’s behalf. She’s a big girl; she can defend herself. With a gun, apparently.

Starting today, WoW players will be able to claim their 5-charge Mohawk Grenades from Night Elf vendors outside every starting zone. What do they do? If you throw a Mohawk Grenade at another player, he or she will be temporarily given the Mr. T night Elf Mohawk appearance, as seen in the picture in this post. Mr. T makes the World of Warcraft look GOOOOD.

Chances are, if you’re not already playing WoW, you’ll just think this is more stupidity for pasty-faced shut-ins with too much time on their hands. If you are a player, though, you’ll likely love the fact that Blizzard is cool enough to have taken a one-time throwaway joke and turned it into a worldwide event. Either way, congratulations to Mr. T for keeping his name current in the hearts and minds of millions!

One of the most surprising things about Sarah Palin’s new book is that Sarah Palin knows how to write. Other surprising things about the book include its entire lack of any use of crayon. There are no bite marks on the edges of the book where Sarah though that it was a sandwich. When Sarah is in public at her book signings, there isn’t any ink on her face from her thinking that her face was the book. Something unsurprising about the book, though, was that Newsweek Senior Editor Michael Hirsh said that the book, “confirmed… some of the questions about her mastery of the issues.”

Such questions as, “Why would anyone think Sarah Palin mastered any issues?” and, “Who is biting my leg? Oh, that’s Sarah Palin that’s doing that.”

However, I don’t want to come off as completely sarcastic, and there are some really awesome things about the new book. For instance, the book is designed to be able to sense when a wolf is within 50 yards of the reader, hover into the air, and then fire itself at killing speeds of up to 148 mph at the wolf. Also, the book is completely non-recyclable, it has a half-life of 25,000 years, is irradiated, and drips cattle farm runoff so as to provide maximum environmental impact. Finally, she rewrote the Gospel of John to include way more instances of Jesus referring to gay people as, “My Dad’s only mistake.”

The title of the book is “Going Rogue”. Other titles for the book that they decided not to go with included: “What? Why Should I Pick The Title, You’re The Ghost Writer, You Pick The Damn Title”, “Katie Couric: Fuck Her”, or Sarah’s favorite title, which was just a confusing garbled jumble of letters and numbers, many of which it seemed Sarah invented herself.

If you’d like to read about more right-wing zaniness, check out this fine young article comparing Fox News to the Disney Channel.

The dude is 20 and made it rain on November 14 against the Warriors. How badly did the Bucks point guard make it rain? Somewhere to the tune of 55 points. Goddamn. Way to make all of us feel unaccomplished Brandon Jennings.

The dude’s had an interesting story. After killing it on his high school basketball team, he decided he wanted to play for Arizona State, but proceeded to fail the entrance exam. More than once. With the NBA not an option, he moved to Italy to play professional basketball for Lottomatica Roma, and a year later, was selected in the draft by the Bucks.

So a few days ago, he put up an amount of points that broke Kareem-Abdul Jabbar’s rookie franchise record AND Lebron James’ record of being the youngest player to score 55 points, by nailing shot after shot on the Warriors.

In addition to the records, however, Jennings is noted to have a bad attitude. He was passed over in the draft by the Knicks probably because of that fact, and even after he set the record, he had this to say:

“The Warriors, they kept going under the screens in the first half I was hesitating to take shots and in the second half they kept going under the screens and I was like ‘ok, don’t keep disrespecting me’ and I just started knocking down jump shots and we started getting a bigger lead and after that I just started thinking about getting the win.”

To be fair, if it were Jordan, all he would be thinking about would be getting the win. Dude might be disagreeable, but he was all-around.

In what surely will be a part of people pointing to America’s moral decline, the first pot cafe is opening up in Portland, Oregon. Why not, Maine, man? You don’t want to get high and eat lobsters? What’s wrong with you? You’d rather log instead? Quit killing my buzz.

It’s called, aptly, the Cannabis Cafe. The pot cafe is a throwback to Amsterdam’s coffee shops, where you go in, order your strain of bud, then sit back and listen to Black Sabbath. Hopefully. Or, in this case, you pay a fee ($25 a month), and you get that much worth of pot from the bud-tenders.

You can also buy food at the cafe. Which is good, because I hear, empirical evidence has shown that people who like to smoke marijuana also get hungry. And then they eat food. Oh, the horror.

Hopefully, pot cafes will spring up all over, and people can learn that marijuana doesn’t do as much harm in general as the cartels that import it. And if you take away the badassery of it, a lot less people would be interested in smoking pot. You know. Like what happened with bear baiting.

Apparently he missed the first day in sperm doctor school. Which is where a lecturer would get in front of the class and go, “No matter how tempting it is. Do not inject things with your sperm. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” In what would be a hilarious urban legend, if it weren’t real, a Connecticut fertility doctor is accused of pushing his man-seed all up in one of his patients that was trying to get pregnant. How’d the couple discover it? The woman’s husband was black, and the children were born looking hilariously white. So they got DNA tests for the buggers, and guess what? Random spouse, you were not the father. That’s not the worst part. The worst part is the woman tried to get pregnant repeatedly, so the dude probably did it a bunch of times.

Okay, that’s gotta be the saddest family situation ever. I just hope they’re a happy, balanced family. You know, cause it’d suck to be fighting at the end of your marriage, knowing things are winding down. She’d be like, “WE NEED TO STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS,” and he’d be like, “WHAT KIDS? THE KIDS THAT AREN’T MINE BECAUSE YOU WENT TO THE FERTILITY DOCTOR I DIDN’T LIKE? AND HE PLAYED AN INTENSE GAME OF HIDE THE JISM?!”

The couple sued the doctor, Dr. Ben Ramaley. He settled out of court, and was allowed to keep his license to practice in Connecticut. So beware ladies, for you may be inseminated in the night in Connecticut.

Also, this is exactly the plot of a Law & Order: SVU episode. Whether the Doctor or the couple saw it first is unclear.

Yes. The moon has water. Who knows what other secrets it holds, and how many socks it might’ve stolen from your dryer? Maybe twelve, maybe twenty. Who’s counting?

NASA’s rockets crashed into the moon’s polar region, revealing the terrifying secret the moon has kept from us for so long. It has enough water to last you for drinking for maybe a few weeks. Of course this gave NASA’s scientists a huge burst of energy. And they said:

“We are ecstatic. Multiple lines of evidence show water was present in both the high-angle vapour plume and the ejecta curtain created by the Lcross Centaur impact. The concentration and distribution of water and other substances requires further analysis, but it is safe to say Cabeus holds water.”

You hear that, bitches? Cabeus holds the water. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like a metal band who would sing songs about bombing the moon.