Enter me. Now I’d only met Molly on two previous occasions, once at a film festival and once at a strange yet fun shoot the day after she’d been dumped by her boyfriend of several years.

Not exactly the best times to get to know someone.

But when she brought up the idea of the photo shoot, I was jazzed. Because I like topless ladies, yes. But ALSO because I liked the strange challenge of a photo shoot not meant to just capture a subject, but to capture something specific about the subject as well. Something like hundred of bedbug bites. Frankly, I was incredibly curious as to what that even looked like.

So there we were, Molly, myself, and her entourage, which consisted of her two good friends. I used to be of the opinion that extra people meant extra hassle, but I’ve come to realize that extra people means extra people to talk to.

And I love talking. So I talked, and we shot, and I have to say, those were some fierce bug bites. Molly taking off her shirt was made slightly less awkward by the fact her friends were there to encourage her, and when she did, my heart went out to the lady. Those bed bugs went to town on her, had themselves what looked to be some kind of Molly McAlleerFest. Hundreds of bites covering her body. Oof.

But it was fascinating to shoot. There’s more than a small degree of examination when I shoot someone for the first time, and that was only amplified here. The entirety of the shoot was me in awe of the extent of the bites, and at the same time trying to do both the bites and Molly justice in the shots.

Actually, here’s a fun fact for ya, the examination usually begins BEFORE the shoot actually starts. During that bit of conversation I engage in when a model shows up for the first time, while we’re chatting, getting to know each other, I’m also looking at their face, watching how it moves, the various expressions that cross it–boy, this sounds wicked creepy, but there it is.

THAT’S WHO I AM, MAN. You knew who I was when you met me.

And Molly? Brave dame, I gotta say. Most folks would’ve cowered in their homes until the bites faded, but Molly not only strutted out into the street, she let li’l ol’ me show the world too.

{Slow clap for Molly}

Molly’s article on her bed bug experience can be found HERE. It’ a winner, check it out.

Kajol

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Kajol made her acting debut in 1992 in Bollywood alongside Shahrukh Khan and has since built her reputation as one of India’s most successful and talented actresses. More recently, she starred in the come-back feature “My Name is Khan,” which did very well in India, and even found some success in North America. She is also known for proudly sporting one very unique physical characteristic (a la Frida Kahlo), do you know what it is? (Check for yourself here, sans la photoshop.)

Aishwarya Rai

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Known as the “most beautiful woman in the world,” Ashwarya started her career as Miss World in 1996, and that was just the beginning. Since then she has become a mainstay of the Bollywood scene, keeping her body in great shape in the process. In a more recent blockbuster, “Dhoom 2,” she said she had to work out for 8-10 hours a day! Check out a clip here.

Sushmita Sen

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Sushmita Sen was the first Indian woman to be crowned Miss Universe in 1994, and for good reason. More recently, it’s been rumored this Bollywood-beauty will take a fast career turn from her normal, light-hearted roles to play a more serious part in a film portraying the life of the great Benazir Bhutto.

Preity Zinta

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This Bollywood hottie is known for her cute dimples and bubbly roles, which would be enough for most, but not Ms. Zinta. She also holds a degree in Criminal Psych, writes a series of columns for BBC News Online South Asia, and is a co-owner of the Indian Premier League cricket team Kings XI Punjab! Cute, bubbly, whip-smart and successful!

Shilpa Shetty

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Our UK readers best know Shilpa from 2007’s “Celebrity Big Brother UK,” in which she, unfortunately, had to deal with both racial tension and discrimination on the show, directed her way primarily from a few housemates. The scandal ended in widespread anger amongst international viewers, especially in India. It wasn’t, however, until show sponsors began to pull out that “Celeb UK” finally took action, evicting the offending housemates. Still, a woman of class, as well as beauty, Shilpa went on to win the show with 63% of the final vote and even, eventually, received apologies from two of the three bullies.

Rani Mukerji

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Best known for her trademark, husky yet sexy voice, Rani Mukerji doesn’t disappoint in the looks department either, especially her stunning light-hazel eyes. This, of course, isn’t too surprising as she comes from a powerhouse family of entertainers, including her first-cousin, Kajol, our top pick.

Amrita Rao

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Pursued by filmmakers from a very young age for her natural beauty, Amrita abstained from the world of acting until she had completed her college degree in Psychology first. After finding easy success post-college in modeling, she soon after took her natural place at the top of the Bollywood scene.

Kangana Ranaut

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In 2008, this twenty-year-old beauty catapulted onto the stage with the blockbuster Bollywood hit “Fashion.” Ever since, the eye-friendly actress has taken the lead in a new generation of Bollywood actors, taking over the silver screen by way of a very “western” cultural phenomena, social media. She currently updates her personal blog regularly, reaching out to fans worldwide, giving them the inside scoop to projects past, present and future.

Dia Mirza

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Dia is not only beautiful, to say the least, she also has a great heart and a giving personality. Using her fame for good, Dia has helped many great humanitarian causes gain publicity both in India and worldwide. Very active locally, she has brought much-needed awareness to several important issues, causes and organizations, including: HIV awareness, PETA, CRY, and a number of environmental-awareness groups. Writing often for the The Hindustan Times, Dia has proven she has not just beauty, but brains too — making her a very-sexy double-threat.

Malaika Arora Khan

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Malaika first came on the scene as an MTV India VJ, and unsurprisingly, she garnered quite a bit of attention, and fast. Soon after she was approached for modeling and acting gigs, which is how she met her husband, the famous Bollywood actor Arbaz Khan. The rest? Beautiful, beautiful history.

Bipasha Basu

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Bips, as they call her in B-Wood, is not known just for her worldclass beauty, but for her athleticism as well. Recently doing a spread for Reebok showing off her rock-hard abs, Bips also will soon be releasing her own exercise video, giving you the inside scoop on how to bring your sexy back.

Lara Dutta

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The second Indian woman to win the Miss Universe Pageant, Laura is regularly considered the best contestant of all time for her heart-felt answer defending the pageant lifestyle. That same year, Priyanka Chopra and Dia Mirza won Miss World and Miss Asia Pacific titles, respectively, giving India a rare triple victory in the world of beauty pageants — as they deserved to.

Deepika Padukone

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Although Deepika has only had a handful of feature films in the last several years, and only two finding meaningful success, this stunning starlet still shows a lot of promise. As already seen, she’s not only beautiful, but can also act and hold her own too. Now she just needs to pick better films.

Gul Panag

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Gul grew up as an army brat, attending 14 schools until her family finally settled down in Punjab, India. But being well traveled isn’t her only asset, in 1999 she not only won Miss World, but walked away with the best smile award too. She is also a Twitter-a-holic, recently even being appointed a Twitter ambassador, bringing her beauty, brains, and the occasional TwitPic, to her thousands of followers, one 140-character message at a time.

Konkona Sen

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Konkona is known for her stand-out performances within India’s excellent arthouse and indie film industry. Pairing her raw talent with her natural beauty, Konkona has found success both critically and commercially. Despite this success, she’s never given into the pressures of the limelight, managing to keep a healthy distance from the scantily-clad trend that is currently sweeping Bollywood. Can you believe that kissing was rare on the Bollywood silver screen just a few years ago?

Priyanka Chopra

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Priyanka won the Miss World title in 2000 making her the fifth Indian woman to win the crown. Following her win, she then appeared on the cover of Maxim India’s premier issue, which caused a bit of a stir. We didn’t mind though.

Kareena Kapoor

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Kareena Kapoor comes from a family of entertainers, and as such, is no stranger to the spotlight — but with a body like her’s, who are we to complain? According to the young starlet,  her slender figure is all thanks to an all-vegetarian diet and a daily Yoga routine. A diet completely free of meat? Maybe not such a bad thing after all.

Katrina Kaif

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Katrina, much like many of the other women in the industry, began her career in modeling, but beyond that fact, her story is a bit different. Originally modeling in London, Katrina was first discovered by a very impressed Bollywoood producer and soon after moved to Mumbai. In the beginning, film producers were hesitant to cast her as she didn’t speak any Hindi, but that hesitation didn’t stick long. Since 2006 Kaif has starred in several blockbusters proving that she is not only a quick learner, but a true star of the big screen as well. We agree.

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Definitely, it’s the face that gets the gears turning in my brain, but even now, after years of this, it’s not an easy thing for me to ask a complete stranger to let me take their picture.

Heart picks up speed, I get jittery, it becomes difficult to focus on whatever else I’m doing.

Lindsey was my server at a restaurant, and while it was her face that intrigued me, it was her attitude, a bit of sass, more than a bit of a sense that she was actually enjoying her job, that made me ask her after the meal was finished.

The technique, the actual “how’d he do it?” That I’ve detailed before, no need to go over that again.

Obviously she said yes.

Shooting a new subject is a lot like a first date. Matter of fact, the entire model-photographer relationship is like dating. The pressure of asking them, that’s first. The first shoot, seeing if there’s something between you, the subsequent shoots, developing what you saw that first time, digging deeper. If you’re lucky, you find someone you can work with for a long time.

But before all that, the first shoot. For me, at least, it’s as much about getting to know the model as it is about taking good pictures. Because one informs the other. Lately I’ve been doing the majority of my “first shoots” at my apartment. I’m familiar with where the light is at any time of the day, I’ve got an excellent backdrop in the giant hedge outside my window and the rest of the neighborhood is filled with great little spots to shoot. And I’m in my comfort zone, my walls covered in thousands of Polaroids.

This lets the model know I REALLY like taking photos.

When they show up, it’s conversation. Getting to know each other, though the focus is on me getting to know them. Warm things up. Find things in common, make some jokes, a bit of an interview, a bit of an icebreaker.

All the while, I’m watching their face as they talk, looking for expressions to photograph, the good angles, the flaws, the things I’ll want to avoid. What makes them look better, what makes them look worse? It’s an interview, but it’s also an investigation.

THEN we shoot. We’ll go outside, I’ll check the light, see where it’s playing on their face, where I want to position them. Stand them right in front of that hedge and start shooting. Still talking, keeping things light.

I’m not the kind of photographer that needs to have things Just So, it’s a rather loose thing, my photo shoots. I let the models move, not insisting, not resisting.

When I see something that really strikes me, then I’ll ask them to hold still for a bit. For some people, that’s an easy thing. Others, they got shpilkes, they’re jittery, they just gotta move. I try not to hem that in, too much, rather I try to slow them down just enough to get the shot.

Like I told someone the other day, it’s not about making them uncomfortable, getting the shot is not the most important thing. It’s about having fun and interacting with people.

Most of the time, that first shoot, I’ll just move the model around my front yard, playing with the light a bit. If that goes well, if we get along, if I like what I see later on when I’m looking at all the shots, if all that is Solid, then I’ll shoot them again.

Sometimes even if it doesn’t go well, sometimes I’m just not sure.

But most times, you know. I knew after shooting Lindsey that first time, we got along great, the photos turned out smashingly. And so I shot her again as soon as possible.

Because sometimes you’re not sure, and then there’s the other times, the times you want to shoot until you run out of film.

(Photo via: iambored)

For every Beyonce Knowles and Jessica Simpson, there is a Solange or Ashlee Simpson out there hoping to ride the coattails of her A-list sister to a little fame and fortune of her own. While most of these siblings are nothing but a reduced-quality copy of the family tree’s favorite daughter in both talent and looks, sometimes the gene pool is deep enough to accommodate more than one Hollywood-bound family member.

For your enjoyment, here are some lesser-known sisters who are actually hotter (or at least every bit as hot) as their celebrity sibling:

Monica Cruz

Hotter than Penelope Cruz!? The hell you say! Well, one look at younger sister Monica, and it’s clear that the Cruz family was blessed with some of the best DNA in all of Latin America. Monica Cruz has been all over Mexican television in the past few years. Look for her to cross over into English-speaking roles in the near future.

Nicky Hilton

This may just be a personal preference, but I’d choose the classier, savvier Nicky Hilton over her slutty sister, Paris, any day of the week. Call me crazy, but there’s just something about a girl who hasn’t made a sex tape (purposely or not) that makes her a little more attractive in my eyes.

Jamie Lynn Spears

Once upon a time, no one could tell me that anyone, let alone some no-name sister, could be hotter than Britney Spears. A few marriages, children and emotional breakdowns later, and it’s safe to say that Brit-Brit’s sex-appeal has faded considerably. While Jamie Lynn already seems to be following in the foot steps of her big sis (teen pregnancy), the fact that she’s doing so out of the limelight seems to be working in her favor.

Savannah Miller

There’s no doubt about it, Sienna Miller is one good-looking woman. However, with her similarly striking long blonde hair (and even longer legs), Savannah Miller makes a solid case for herself. Clearly the looks of these two attractive siblings add up to one epic case of sibling rivalry.

Dedee Pfeiffer

Dedee Pfeiffer is the younger, better-aged version of Michelle Pfeiffer. Apparently, she’s starred in a slew of films, including Wanted and Journey to the Center of the Earth (somehow I was unaware of this). She’s also posed for Playboy, so kudos for her.

Ruby Stewart

Ruby Stewart is the half-sister of model and actress Kimberly Stewart. If you haven’t heard of either of them, just know that they are the offspring of Rod Stewart. While her sister has struggled to grab a foothold in the world of acting, Ruby seems content in posing for lingerie ads and making the occasional cameo at one of her dad’s concerts. I am similarly content in this career path.

Sivan Krispin Gallery. (Coed)

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And it’s just as professional looking as it sounds.

If you’re one of the people who enjoyed watching Showgirls, the first one, you are probably in my direct group of friends. Because the movie was incredible. If you ever wanted to see Jessie Spano naked, talk smack about other women’s vaginas and have really crazy pool sex, that’s the top of the mountain. And it should’ve won at least 12 Academy Awards for being timeless and memorable. At the bare minimum. They should’ve invented another set of awards to commemorate the film, because it has moved me so much beyond the normal realm of cinema.

Thankfully, Germans recognize brilliance where we do not. So a German director, Marc Vorlander, has vowed to make a sequel. A sequel that promises to focus on all the right things. AND I QUOTE:

“Hope’s brother’s search for revenge following the stripper’s death from a dose of contaminated cocaine.”

Hope was just a tertiary character in the first film. But that doesn’t really matter. Because they’re making Showgirls II. More rampant violence, crazy sex, drugs, and late-night viewings on Cinemax. More fun times with ironic hipsters watching movies that are really terrible and cherishing them as much as humanly possible. More, more, more.

Enjoy the preview. It’s NSFW, just FYI.

(Photo Via: Beachwood Reporter)

CrazyDomains.com.au isn’t gonna be outdone by the likes of GoDaddy, so they brought in an old favorite to shoot a commercial that’s too hot for Aussie TV.

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And it’s not like it’s a rough slog, looking back at my work from years past. Sure, I look at early shoots I did in 2006, 2007, lament that I would use six or seven packs of Polaroid film at a time, unaware of the fact that three years later I’d be hesitant to take a single picture, knowing how little Polaroid film was left in the world.

Gotta say, there are lots of mistakes that make me shake my head, simple things that today I instinctively avoid, but back then was completely oblivious about.

I was a very different photographer when I took these photos of Celisse. It was two years ago, and I’d driven up to San Francisco to shoot with her and my friend, Julia. I was only a few months out of a three year relationship, just starting to live with the idea that taking photos was The Thing I Wanted To Do Most.

Nowadays I plan shoots every week, sometimes two or three in a day. But back then it was still an odd thing to photograph a stranger, to call someone a Model and have them pose for me.

It’s weird to look back, think about things I do now that are so a part of my photographic process, things that were just guesswork, back then. Good shots were as much luck as anything else.

2008 was the last time I went to San Francisco, as well. Up until then, I’d go up at least once a year. Not much of a traveler, me, but I’ve always had folks I love visiting up there, good enough friends that I’d slog through the 5-6 hour drive.

Drives that long means a nap. Because 1) I love naps and 2) driving makes me sleepy. That trip to Las Vegas a few weeks ago, that was a two nap trip right there.

Can’t really say that’s why I don’t go back. Can’t really say there’s a reason, actually. Just haven’t felt the pull. Maybe after that weekend, where we shot in the most amazing places, took pictures of the most incredible model, then had ourselves a fantastic barbecue, maybe I finally used SF all up.

Or maybe it’s time to buy a plane ticket.

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There have been a lot of figure skaters over the years, and it’s always been a given that they tend to be hot. There are always exceptions, as there are for any rule of thumb or stereotype — but much like the cheerleading profession, figure skaters seem to defy the odds pretty damned well. These are the 15 hottest figure skaters of all time; these girls may have spent their lives on ice, but they are definitely hot.


Sasha Cohen

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2006 Olympic silver medalist and multiple championship-winning fox Sasha Cohen is fully aware of how gorgeous she is, and luckily she’s the type to share her gift by way of public appearances and photo shoots. While she does understand Russian, and her mother is a transplant from the Ukraine, Sasha was born in California and is very much your standard hottie from LA — yet somehow a staggering number of people seem to think she’s Russian. After taking a brief hiatus from the sport after her success in 2006, she made her return debut this year prior the Winter Games. Unfortunately, the judges felt that she needs a bit more practice to get her game back, and she wasn’t selected for the Olympic team this year.


Idora Hegel

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Idora Hegel is one of Croatia’s finest, and we’re not just talking about figure skating here, either. While she may not have any Olympic medals to back her up, she’s still a seven-time Croatian National Champion and world-class hottie. Idora did compete at the Games, though. She placed 19th twice — at the 2002 and 2006 Winter Games. 


Tanith Belbin

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Tanith, who seems incapable of taking a bad picture, has competed professionally for the USA since 1998 despite being Canadian-born and holding a dual citizenship. Apparently the guy she teamed up with in 1998 is something of a lucky charm, which makes sense since he’s one lucky bastard. Since their pairing, she’s gone on to win the US Championship five times, the Four Continents Championship three times, four World Medals, and some 2006 Olympic Silver. She’s at the Winter Games this year, and wasn’t doing half bad until Sunday night’s Free Dance. It’s OK though, we don’t mind if she doesn’t win this time around.


Katerina Witt

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Katerina Witt represented East Germany shortly before the Wall fell, and all of Germany afterward. She racked up a string of major wins throughout the 80s, including two Olympic Golds at Sarajevo and Calgary. She’s often called one of the very best figure skaters of all time, largely due to her massive winning record, but she’s a winner in our book for posing in many nude shots. Hit the image source on this one if you’re not at work — those black boxes were quite necessary.


Anna Semenovich

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With a last name that screams bad punnery and a penchant for posing, Anna Semenovich is a favorite for her good humor — if not so much for her record of wins. She never seemed able to find a partner that she had chemistry with, and though she did score two Finlandia Trophies, she didn’t have the best of score sheets. Now 29, she’s turned from figure skating full time for Russia to exploring a singing, acting and modeling career. We’re just fine with that, so long as more shots like this one come out of it.


Barbara Ann Scott

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1948 Olympic Gold-winner and immortalized Canadian pin-up girl Barbara Ann Scott was one hell of a figure skater before most of us were even a dirty thought in dad’s mind. She didn’t just come out of nowhere to win that one, either. Barbara won the World, European, and North American Championships twice each, all on top of winning the Canadian Championships four times. As if that wasn’t awesome enough, this lady is still alive and kicking today; she was a flag-bearer at the Winter Games opening ceremony at Vancouver.


Kristi Yamaguchi

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Making a comeback recently as champion of 2008’s Dancing with the Stars, Kristi Yamaguchi has been a household name since the early 90’s. She won the gold at the 1992 Olympics, and she’s racked up more wins and top placements than losses during her career, making her nothing short of extraordinary. In 2005, she was inducted into the Olympic Hall of Fame. The crazy part of her story is how she began; when she was a kid, she had club feet, so she started skating as therapy.


Tara Lipinski

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Though she was only 15 when she was actively competing in figure skating, Tara Lipinski still counts because she’s become a part of the sport. She took home the gold in the 1998 Winter Games at Nagano, after racking up some serious wins world-wide beforehand, and has since taken to acting and cameo work. She’s been in a slew of shows and movies, and now at 27, she’s looking better than ever before. We can’t wait to see her take on some more serious roles.


Oksana Baiul

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Oksana Baiul hasn’t competed since the mid-90’s, but that hasn’t stopped her from remaining a part of pop culture ever since her hay day. She came seemingly out of nowhere to grab the gold at the Ukranian and World Championships, as well as Skate America — all in 1992. She also nabbed second place in the European Championships that year, along with fourth place in the Nations Cup. One year later she scored the gold at the Winter Olympics. She’s been living in the US ever since, despite being technically Ukranian. These days she spends her time collaborating for ice dances and running her own clothing and jewelry lines — and looking great while doing it.


Ekaterina Gordeeva

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Two-time Olympic Gold Medal-winner Ekaterina “Katia” Gordeeva made a name for herself back in the Cold War days by winning just about every competition she entered — and scoring top places in the few she didn’t. She represented the Hammer & Sickle before the Wall fell, and afterward continued to skate for Russia. These days, she spends her time getting even better looking than when she was young, and working as a choreographer and mentor for aspiring hotties on ice. She’s a huge part of the sport and a star for life, and we like it that way.


Kim Yu-Na

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Helping to give South Korea a good name, 19 year-old Kim Yu-Na has been competing for the better part of the last decade — and winning. Her career’s score card is full of “first place,” and she’s not showing any signs of slowing down yet. This year she’s competing at the Winter Games in Vancouver, and her chances look pretty good so far. We’re keeping fingers crossed for this one.


Sonja Henie

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This Norwegian blast from the past is a fixture in the world of figure skating, much the same way that posters of her were probably fixtures on the walls of young men the world over when she was active in the sport. She took home the gold three times, in 1928, 1932 and 1936 — along with ten World Championships, six European Championships, and six Norwegian Championships. The woman is nothing short of a legend, and she cemented her fame when she turned to acting afterwards. She played in 15 films in her lifetime, was inducted into several halls of fame, and graced the cover of Time Magazine in 1939. We dig vintage.


Michelle Kwan

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If you don’t already have a thing for Michelle Kwan, you’ve probably spent the better part of your life under a rock, or you’re too young to be reading this in the first place. Besides her obvious level of hotness, Kwan has made a name for herself by racking up a ridiculously impressive 30 wins between 1992 and 2005. Unfortunately, the highest she ever attained at the Olympics was silver, with one bronze four years later at her next attempt. Despite her narrow misses at the Olympics, she’s regarded as one of the greats. We agree.


Jamie Salé

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Winner of the 2002 Winter Olympics, Canadian Jamie Salé led an impressive, albeit short career. Between 1991 and 2002, she won 16 golds. After her Olympic win, she decided to take it easy and now tours around the continent performing in Stars on Ice — and posing nearly naked for men’s magazines.


Peggy Fleming

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Peggy Fleming, after a blitzkrieg winning-streak starting in 1964, nabbed the gold at the 1968 Olympics in Grenoble. She basically embodied the quintessential girl of the 60’s, complete with the Bond Girl international look and all. She was stunningly gorgeous then, and she’s still got it, too. As well as staying fit and beautiful, she also likes to stay relevant; she made a cameo in Blades of Glory as a judge. We love this woman.

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Yes, I just made up “googly eyes.” It sounds funny, I am here to entertain!

Ginny and Kevin, they keep it respectable in public. I’m sure they have pet names for each other, have the most insidious pillow talk and spend long periods of time just gazing into each other’s eyes. But that’s all private. Because they know how annoying it can be in public.

There should be a word for it, actually. The opposite of schaedfraude, that is the misery someone gets when they see other people being happy. Wait, that’s envy, right? Fine. Well, there should be a German word for it then. Germans, well, they can describe stuff wonderfully.

I see people being happy like that, that teeth-achingly sweet kind of happy where they are visibly in love and the rest of the world disappears, and I’m extremely annoyed. I look at them and my mind begins to concoct reasons they aren’t really happy. Or perhaps I look at them, judge them, think of them as only happy because they’re ignorant, or unattractive, or deluded about what love means. My mind works its hardest coming up with reasons I shouldn’t feel envious, which, I’m pretty sure, is really just a highly convoluted type of envy.

I was running, nice early morning jog, and I saw two couples laughing to themselves as they walked down the street. Now this is about six in the morning, and it was obvious from their outfits (all gussied up) that they were coming home from a night out, that they’d had themselves a fine night.

First thoughts that ran through my head were those of trying to come up with reasons they were wrong. Reasons they were being irresponsible, or ignorant. As I’ve started recognizing this within myself, I’ve tried to stop it when I recognize I’m doing it. And that particular morning, I did stop it.

I don’t know if it’s competition, or trying to take others down a peg to make myself feel better, but it’s clearly envy, and it’s something I’m tired of. So I put it here.

Wait a second, has this column become my Vision Board? EXPERIENCE LESS ENVY.

And so, I’m happy for Ginny and her man. But I cannot be held responsible for my actions if they were to start sucking face in front of me. Be warned!

Then the rain started to come down. Then I ended up in a King Hell storm the likes of which I haven’t seen in years.

Before it was all over, I’d passed six cars which had spun out on the road, including a cop car. I was white-knuckling it for a good portion of the five-hour drive, alternating between the resigned calm of someone who knows with a grim inevitability that they are about to experience something horrible, and the glee of a person bathed in good luck. Because, frankly, I’m a damned good driver. But it was 100% luck that I didn’t end up in a ditch on the side of the road.

Basically, I was too dumb to listen to the fear telling me to just pull over and wait it out. I’ll be damned if I’ll let fear tell me what to do!!

Which is, I’m sure, what Laurenn has been telling herself all week. Laurenn, already a successful illustrator and graphic designer, decided to go back to college a little while ago, to get herself a master’s degree. She wants to shift her career towards being a Professional Artist. And this week was her Mid-Way show, which was the very reason I was in Vegas, see.

And, I gotta say, I’m damned impressed with Laurenn. She’s older than her fellow grad students, and as I watched them critique her work before the show yesterday, my skin crawled. I’d have an extremely hard time taking criticism from little whipper-snappers that didn’t have nearly as much life experience as myself.

Maybe it’s the fear that they’d be right. Frankly, the whole thing is a bundle of fears I’d rather not deal with. But that hasn’t stopped Laurenn. Her show was a smash, place was packed, everybody dug it. Of course, among the many differences, my making it home in one piece? Luck. Her putting together a fresh art show? All skill.

But I think there’s that similar feel of glee at the end of both. That “I made it!!!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!” feeling. And that feeling is mighty fine.

Go check out Laurenn’s work, past & present: http://www.laurennmccubbin.com

Anyway. Zooey Deschanel — best known for being super cute, super awesome, and super married — is going to be in a series about a (very nice) promiscuous woman, Ms. Pamela De Barre. Y’see, Pamela wrote a tell-all book about being a groupie in the ’60s and ’70s and it’s being made into a PILOT that will probably get PICKED UP because if you’re the kind of guy that wears scarves indoors and has even a passing knowledge of The Smiths you’ll probably get, I don’t know, about half a million hard-ons by the time you finish this sentence: Zooey Deschanel will be playing a promiscuous lady.

Look, I know this sounds all “gossip rag” — with me saying “oh boy, readers!” and the like — but I’d imagine this is a huge turn in Zooey’s ouerve, if you will. She’s gone from playing squeaky clean and quirky to playing, um, squeaky clean and quirky to, uhh — let’s not forget 500 Days Of Summer where she plays, um, a super clean and quirky total bitch who fucks over the other guy in the movie whose name I forget because he reminds me far too much of myself, uh. Man that movie. I swear to God, were they following me around? I digress.

As is with most things in Hollywood, the pilot will probably get picked up and be made into a series that I’d imagine wouldn’t be shooting until Summer (OMG SUMMER). So there we have it.

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Such should bode well for Roddick, who is one of the game’s most intense, sarcastic players–maybe he’ll turn his attention from making snide, yet humorous comments directed toward chair umpires, and rip into a few fans…of his wife.

Thanks to Late Night With David Letterman, a humorous twist was offered with the 2010 Swimsuit Issue reveal. Letterman first revealed a nude Scott Brown, to which nothing, even if it were the worst swimsuit cover in the history of the Sports Illustrated “Swimsuit Issue,” could offer anything but relief. When the real curtain dropped, Brooklyn Decker stood, all smiles, half-bikini’d, on the cover of the SI Swimsuit issue.

Scoring the title of “Swimsuit Issue” cover girl offers more than just being on the cover. Look at past cover girls Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum, and you know it’s only a matter of time before Brooklyn Decker is a household name with a reality show, clothing line and set of opinions to rival that of her husband. Honestly, who wouldn’t go for reality TV starring the new power couple? I’ve long said that I would be thoroughly entertained by a series documenting Roddick’s wit. Now add a little sugar to the spice and BRAVO has their next big hit.

(Image via: Sports Illustrated)

(without breaking your bank account, because otherwise I would just say get a limo to the airport, and fly her to Paris to have dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower, which you’ve had dipped in gold.)

So it’s Valentine’s Day. The day the girl you’re dating is expecting something more than the “ordering Dominoes and watching 30 Rock” that’s usually enough to get you some sloppy boning.

That’s right, the day YOU have to be (gasp) creative, lest you want to spend the last part of the night alone in her bathroom, working off to a partially downloaded picture of Jessica Alba on your Blackberry, or worse yet, buy her jewelry to make for being a total suck boyfriend who can’t even come up with a good Valentine’s date.

Luckily, other people have already been creative, precisely so you don’t have to. You just have to keep her from reading this website.

1. The “Choose Your Own Adventure” Date

COST: $50-$120, depending on the restaurants/activities
GOOD FOR: All types of girls, even those you haven’t been dating very long.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Very High

THE DATE: Remember those books when you were a kid? Yeah, kinda like that, except your date won’t end up getting her brain devoured by leprous gnome-aliens from the planet Groton (hopefully). Here’s how it works.

Don’t tell your date anything about the date (except what to wear). Show up at her house and tell her you’re going to be having a “Choose Your Own Adventure” date, and that the events of the date will depend on her selections. Then give her cryptic choices like “North or South?” that link with the activities behind them: if she picks “north,” do something you would do in the north, like ice skating. If she picks “south,” do something you would do in the south, like horseback riding. Or starting a drug cartel.

After the first activity, give her another choice, like “East or West?”, that combines with the prior choice for dinner. Like North + West would be Surf ‘n Surf and South + East would be Cajun BBQ. Get it?

CAVEATS: It can get a little complicated if you have more than two steps (not to mention you have to plan between 4, 8 or 256 possible date permutations), but trust me, it will have worked by this point. After the main events are over, feel free to end the night with some choices of your own: Wine or champagne? Your place or hers? Traditional or rodeo-style?

2. The Astronomy Lesson

COST: Free
GOOD FOR: Nerds, night-owls, and girls who think it matters what your sign is.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Very High

THE DATE: Take your date to a mountain campsite or a romantic nature preserve or an unobstructed roof deck, and embark on a night of storytelling and lying side by side as you show her all the constellations and explain the fascinating mythologies behind each of them. This can last for an hour or all night, depending on how much Greek crap you can cram in your noggin.

Note: you do not actually need to be naturally knowledgeable about stars or myths for this — there are any number of websites where you can learn everything you need to know though. Just do it at work, when you’d normally be surfing Stumbleupon. You can also just make stuff up, your date’s probably not going to know that the Reverse Cowgirl isn’t an actual constellation.

CAVEATS: You’re f*cked if it’s cloudy, so you better have a backup plan, like your local planetarium. Bad news: Planetarium ushers usually don’t like you telling your own stories during their show, and/or trying to slip your date the old two-finger salute. Good news: If you do succeed in this, you’ve got a hell of story for the grandkids.

3. The Five-Star Shitty Restaurant

COST: $5.99 (unless you choose steak, then $6.49)
GOOD FOR: Girls with a senses of humor and/or terrible eating habits.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High (or very low, depending on the girl)

THE DATE: This one’s all in the set up. Don’t tell her where you’re going, just tell her to dress up super nice, show up in Tux or suit, with flowers, borrow a friend’s car that’s much nicer than yours, drive her to the most expensive restaurant area in town… and then go to Taco Bell.

Sometimes that’s enough. But you can keep going. Bring in your own silverware. Drink Sierra Mist out of wine glasses. Mild Sauce out of tea saucers. I’ve found most Taco Bell managers will let you put a table cloth on their tables, as long as you talk to them first, and don’t keep referring to it as El Table Cloth Supreme.

CAVEATS: Super high-maintenance ladies generally don’t see the humor/cleverness in this idea, so if you’re dating one… well, dump her and start dating a cooler chick. This date also works phenomenally with homeless women.

4. The Picnic Hike

COST: $30
GOOD FOR: Out-doorsy types
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High

THE DATE: As much as we humans try to make our museums, opera houses and Vegas Casino lobbies beautiful, there’s just no competing with nature. Find the most pristine beach, gorgeous park, or scenic mountain top wherever you live, drive your date 95% of the way there, (because no girl wants to walk 10 miles on Valentine’s Day) then hike it. Don’t tell her where you’re going, just to bring good walking shoes, and have a picnic waiting for you both at the end, all set up. This means you’ll have to make the hike twice yourself, but that’s a small price to pay for cheeks.

CAVEATS: This IS the great outdoors, so there’s always the risk of a potentially sweaty or tired girlfriend, or a cougar attack. And we don’t mean having your Valentine’s date turn into a threesome with a feral, 40-year-old MILF.

5. The Cheesiest Date Ever

COST: $80-$150, depending on the thickness of the cheese
GOOD FOR: Girls who hate Valentine’s Day and syrupy romance stuff. Also, girls who LOVE Valentine’s Day and syrupy romance stuff.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Fair

THE DATE: For the Post-Modern, Smuggly-Self-Referential date on this list, I recommend the Cheesiest Date Ever. Instead of avoiding the usual Valentine’s Day clichés, do ALL of them. The heart-shaped box of candies. The rose petals leading down her steps. The Hallmark card with the stuffed animal. Take a long walk on the beach. Go to a candle-lit Italian restaurant and meet in the middle of a strand of spaghetti. Go to an ice-cream shop and share a milkshake with two straws. But you have to do it all to get the effect. You can set it up at the beginning by telling her you’re taking her on the most original date ever, or just let her get it as you go along. Assuming she hasn’t ditched you after the stuffed animal.

CAVEATS: Just don’t make the same mistake I did and do this for your first Valentine’s Day with your lady, lest you spend the rest of the decade proving that you actually are creative because she didn’t get the joke.

6. The Treasure Hunt Date

COST: $30 (and a bunch of set-up time)
GOOD FOR: Better for girls you’ve been dating for at least a few months, so they don’t think you’re going to kidnap/rape them. Also good for pirate girls.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Very High

THE DATE: Picture this: your date answers her door for your Valentine’s Date only to find a note. A short poem; a clue, leading her to her next hint, with the promise of a wonderful reward at the end. The clues lead her around to different places of meaning to the two of you, and finally end in a garden somewhere where you’re waiting with flowers. And a picnic (yes, again with the picnic thing, but picnics are underratedly romantic). And perhaps a more complete poem, painting how much you love her, now that the theme’s been set up. If you do it right, she might just jump your bones right there.

CAVEATS: OK, a few for this one. One, as with many neighborhood dates, this works much better in some areas than other. College campus: great. South Central: not so much. Two, it’s essential to find a good way to reassure your girl that you’ll be close by as she’s wandering around, keeping her safe — without making yourself sound like a crazy stalker. And finally, do not write poems if you are a shitty writer. You can write regular riddle clues if you’re more comfortable with that, or draw pictures. Or just cut up a Google map.

7. The Double Massage

COST: $40-$80
GOOD FOR: Nymphos, or any girl who likes a nice massage. Not good for girls who already work in massage parlors.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High

THE DATE: This is perhaps more a gift idea coupled with an end-of-the-date idea, so you might want to throw a dinner in there too, or at least an Acapella Show or something. But anyway, the idea is you give her two massage gift certificates, one for a professional place with words like “Serenity” or “Xanadu” or anything French in the title, and the other for an amateur massage, from you. And not just your usual “I’ll rub your back from two minutes in the hopes of getting a blowjob” massage, rather one in which you actually buy oils and crap. This way, you’ve got both your “I’m personal and thoughtful and want to spend time with you” and your “but don’t worry I also have money so your girlfriends will be jealous” cards covered.

CAVEATS: Like I said, this is almost more of a gift idea than a date idea, though one of these massages could certainly happen on Valentine’s Day — what better V-Day could you hope for than ending it with hot oils, or with your girl in a spa while you watch football next door at Best Buy?. I strongly suggest not letting her do both massages on the same day, though (or even near each other). Yours is just going to look shitty.

8. Cook For Them

COST: $30-$60 (get some decent wine)
GOOD FOR: Health nuts; girls too obese to leave the house.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High

THE DATE: Find a way into your date’s apartment when she gets home from a long day at the office (or Pilates class, if you’re carrying all the weight in the relationship). Use candles, lighting, Kenny G, etc. to make the place look fantastic, and different than she’s used to. Make multiple courses. Make a fire. Drink wine in front of it after the meal, or make s’mores if you’re dating a heavy. Play your cards right and you won’t have to leave the house (or spend another dime) until morning.

CAVEATS: Do not, at any point in the night, utter the words “So I figured since I did all the cooking, you’ll handle the dishes.” The words “I figured one of us should do some cooking for once,” should also be avoided.

9. Gondola/Carriage Ride

COST: $100ish
GOOD FOR: Most girls, excluding Hydrophobics or equinophobics.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High

THE DATE: And not just in New York and Venice, Italy — you’d be surprised, many decent-sized cities have things along these lines, just search online. Carriage rides make for an ideal romantic transport between one part of your date and another, or as an extended ride in which it can become the whole date. Gondola rides can even add dinner (it’s hard to dine on a carriage, unfortunately, given the bumps and horses’ asses three feet away.) Both are pretty damn sexy and new to most girls.

If your city is too small for these services, a second option would be to construct your own. You know, if you happen to be a boatsmith, or own several horses. Third option is to hire one of those bike carriage guys, though this is a lot less romantic. Fourth option is to hire a hobo to push the two of you around in a wheelbarrow.

CAVEATS: If you actually live in Venice, don’t do a gondola ride, because there it’s the equivalent to taking your girl on a date where you ride around in a taxi. Same goes for the carriage ride, if you’re Amish.

10. Dominoes and 30-Rock

COST: $19.95 (includes cheesy bread)
GOOD FOR: The tenth time you’ve used this list.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Fair

THE DATE: And hey, there’s something to be said for “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Sometimes the best date is just to look your date straight in the eye and tell her you love her, no matter what you do together. Even if it’s the same old shit you do every night. Except don’t actually say that last part.

And don’t say we didn’t warn you if you end up at Zales the next day, trying to make up for your unoriginality.

“What’s the first thing people notice about you?”

Which seems, on its face, ridiculous. Because I’m neither Other People nor am I telepathic. Can’t say as I’ve ever had a conversation with somewhere wherein I asked them, “Hey, what’s the first thing you noticed about me?” Just plain weird thing to ask a person.

Still, it got me thinking, and so I asked my buddy. And, friend that he is, he answered almost instantly, “Well, that you were black.”

Which wouldn’t have occurred to me in a million years. Well, maybe not that long, I bet almost everything would occur to you if you had a million years. You’d probably also be insane, so let’s just stop thinking about you, thinking for a million years, outliving pretty much everything, alone on a dead planet, wandering, praying for death.

But oh, the stories you’d have. Yeah, let’s just move on.

Being black. I know I’m black, don’t get me wrong, see me in the mirror at least a few times a day, making sure there’s nothing up my nose, no outrageous pimples, no crusties in my eyes. So it’s not as if the fact of my blackness comes as a surprise.

Also, you’d find, should you ever have the good fortune to meet me, that I am not shy about bringing up the fact, using it in a joke, so many jokes, really. Feigning righteous indignation, seeing racism where there obviously is none. Oh the laughs I get from making white folks vaguely uncomfortable.

And yet, the idea that the first thing that someone notices about me is that I’m black? I found that more than a little strange. Because, and this should shock no one, there are a few preconceptions about black people, more than a few of them negative. The thought that some folks would see me, or just see me online, and have preconceived notions about me because they see a Black Person, that’s odd and, I poutily thought, more than a little unfair.

At 32 years old, I have finally discovered stereotyping.

Which brings me to Barbara.

Barbara is not black. No. But she is half-asian, half-white. It’s that half-white bit that I find significant. Because (revelation time) I too am half-white.

And I think that’s where the weirdness comes from. In general and, in this case, specifically. I was raised mainly by kindly white folk, grew up in a whitish area (well, white and Persian, take that for what you will), went to a school with more than a few white folk, have mostly white friends, tastes and hobbies that are mainly considered of the white variety.

So, yeah, in a way, I do kind of forget I’m black, sometimes. When it comes to people seeing me, yeah, it kind of leaves the forefront of my thoughts. Or, rather, I think of it as but a part of my total make-up, a piece I can take or leave as I please. When, in fact, it is something that EVERYONE WHO LOOKS AT ME is instantly aware of.

And I wonder if Barbara feels the same way, if this is something common to folks from mixed backgrounds, that they are occasionally taken by surprise by the notion that people view them in starker terms than they view themselves. That folks, when they look at us for the first time, take a reductive position on us, based on our appearance.

So yeah, online dating? Weird stuff, man.

I know a lot of people get giddy when she hits the screen, but I’m still not sold on Danica Patrick as the Go Daddy spokesperson. Sure, I get the business aspect of it, and I get the fact that she’s cute, petite and drives over 200 miles per hour – nothing wrong with that! So, who cares that she can’t act her way out of a cardboard box, right? I’ll give her a hearty pat on the back and say that she is getting better. If only she would dip into some of the feisty passion she displays when something doesn’t go her way on the track, people might actually start watching TV again. Oh man, I can’t wait to see her behind the wheel in NASCAR next season. Seriously, it is must see TV. Digressing…

Go Daddy has pumped a ton of flow into their 2010 Super Bowl ad campaign, and while several have been given the red light from CBS as being too controversial, it looks as if this one will fly…straight back to the 80s? And if Weird Science isn’t enough, they’ve capped the ad with “the shot” from Flashdance. So much for originality.