When you think of minivans, you don’t often think of them being cool. More like, boxes, that lug around what was once cool, twenty years ago. A mobile container of atrophy. The devil’s pipe and smoking jacket. But Honda is looking to change all of that.

Concept cars are a great thing. They’re like giant models people build that may or may not ever happen, and are then shown off at giant conventions. Which is way cooler than the models that I built, which were also giant, and only shown off at conventions in my head. Conventions that were, surprisingly, more nerdy than Comic Con.

But if you’ve ever said to yourself, “I wish my minivan was more like a spaceship,” or “I wish my hybrid car was more like a spaceship,” or “Marty McFly was a douchebag, why didn’t he just ride in a mini-van? I want to go back in time in my minivan,” well, you’re in luck. And crazy. Simultaneously. Which is the best kind of lucky. The Skydeck is a model of a mini-van, complete with gullwing doors, sliding, military-like seating, and an engine that will not kill the environment and the trees you have planted for your children. Because it’s a hybrid car.

Also, it’s the sexiest minivan I’ve ever seen. I just want to lick it, and I think you will too.

So Aston Martin has come out with a new car. If you haven’t heard of Aston Martin, you shouldn’t be reading the “Cars” section of this website, but suffice it to say, they make expensive automobiles. VERY expensive automobiles. Their new model, the Aston Martin One-77 (you know a car is fancy when they spell out only some of the numbers in the title) is so ridiculously lavish that they’re only making 77 of them, each of which is custom made for the buyer and adjusted for their personal handling tastes by AM’s head engineer, Chris Porritt. Yes, the One-77 makes your Lamborghini looks like a Pinto. As it should. It costs 2 million dollars.

What? 2 million dollars? For a car? For reference, I bought a new (albeit stripped down) Honda Civic in 2005 for $13,000. Which brings me to the topic of this post: if you’ve got money flooding out of your pockets, such that you’re thinking of buy this car, be my guest. Just keep in mind what else you could be buying.

156 Honda Civics

This is a picture of my Honda Civic. It’s not quite as nice as an Aston Martin One-77, but it does get me around. I can only imagine what I would do with 155 more of them. Actually, I can. Crash them into each other.

Three Islands in Panama

According to the website www.privateislandsonline.com (yes, it’s a real site), there are actually some islands you can buy for as cheap as 30,000-$40,000 (I’m sure they’re all in the cannibal-and-malaria part of Panama, but hey, you’re getting your very own set of islands, so what?) For the price of an Aston Martin, Isla Gatun, Dolphin Bay Island, AND Punta Tigra Island could be yours! Now you just need an Aston Martin Helicopter to get there.

50-170 Mail Order Brides

(depending on their quality, and the agency fees). You might even be able to get more, if they’re from China. I hear the market’s really depressed over there.

A 2,060,606 item shopping spree at the 99 Cent Store

So, basically, you could buy a 99 Cent Store. Or several of them.

7,610 people in Zimbabwe working for you for a year

(No picture for this one, as every picture I found made this item seem vaguely racist) But Zimbabwe’s a poor country, no matter what color the people are. The average adult only makes $268 USD a year. So why not use your 2 million to hire a whole bunch of Zimbabweans to work for you? Doing stuff like vacuuming. Or carrying you around. Or building you an Aston Martin?

18,545 Mona Lisa’s

Reproductions, of course. You’d need 350 One-77’s to buy the real Mona Lisa. Which is all very fitting, as one uber-rich guy actually bought two Aston Martins, one to drive, and one to hang on his wall.

And, of course,

2,000,000 Gumballs

(Thanks to DailyMail.co.uk for the source!)

Image Source

Those of you interested in banking on the federal electric car tax credit and getting a free golf cart in return, might be in luck. According to the Wall Street Journal, the government will award anyone who purchases a street legal electric car with a nice $5,500 tax credit.

The prices for street legal golf carts usual start at around $8,000, but you might be able to get them for cheaper depending where you live. In any case, most golf cart retailers are pushing consumers to buy from them and take advantage of this amazing offer.

Apparently the Cash for Clunkers didn’t work out as well as they wanted, so the golf cart stimulus is their next hope. It’ll be interesting to see more golf carts on the road and the different mods people come up with.

Honda CR-Z

First introduced as a concept in 2007, Honda now intends to bring this hybrid compact to market. The updated design will be on hand in Tokyo, and attendees are just itching to see what this Honda CR-X inspired hybrid has to offer. Personally, I think this is one of the coolest looking hybrid vehicles I’ve seen that will actually be for sale on dealer lots.

Subaru Hybrid Tourer

Those gullwing doors sure do catch your attention, don’t they? Other than that super sexy exterior, we know that the Hybrid Tourer will boast 4WD, a 2.0-liter turbocharged gas engine and 10-kilowatt front-drive electric motor. Subaru previously announced plans to introduce a hybrid model by 2012, but so far they’ve yet to decide on an actual model. Will the Hybrid Tourer be flapping its wings down an interstate near you? Sadly, not likely.

Honda EV-N

What would an iPod look like in car form? A lot like the all-electric Honda EV-N. Practically oozing with charm, the EV-N is based off the design of a 1960s or 70s Honda N 360. The super tiny city commuter seats 4 passengers (I call shotgun), features solar power technology and comes with swappable upholstery panels so you can change color or pattern. How fast does it go? Probably not very. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting one of these uber cool mini cars. And Honda, in the words of Morrisey, please, please, please let me get what I want.

Power-ups are one of the key ingredients to Nintendo’s Mario Kart games that have made the series such a runaway success. Taking a cue from this recipe for success, the Indy Racing League (IRL) has added the equivalent of super mushrooms to the real-world racing scene.

Since August 1, IRL drivers have been racing with a “push to pass” button strategically placed on the car’s steering wheel. When pressed, the car receives a sudden surge in horsepower, instantly catapulting drivers forward. Power boosts range from five to 20 horsepower.

Already, the gimmick has been heralded as a success, helping to revive excitement in IRL races.

To limit overuse of the push button, drivers are only allotted a certain number of pushes per race. Depending on the specific course layout, racers might be allotted 12 to 15 pushes per race. Duration of power boost is also determined on a track-by-track basis (typically 10 to 20 seconds).

For now, the IRL seems against Mario Kart’s golden mushroom – non-stop mashing is disabled due to a 10-second recharge period.

Given the early success of the power boost, can we expect to see other Mario power-ups in the future? Doubtful, but I, for one, would love to see the racetrack strewn with giant banana peels and Bob-ombs.

The “D-Day: DUB Car Show LA is finally here and Manolith will be streaming the event live October 18th right from The Envy Expo booth. Be sure to check back here on Sunday @ 12PM to get all the exclusive access. We’ll also be updating our @Manolith on twitter with live updates via the #dubcarshow hashtag.

Hot cars, gorgeous women and musical performances by Paul Wall and Twista make “D-Day” a must-see event. DUB magazine will be presenting some of the craziest, most expensive cars and mods out! We’ll have the full exclusive recap and pictures up next week. Stay tuned…

Just when we thought the auto industry was on its road to recovery, Ford Motor Company decides to recall 4.5 million vehicles. Apparently, a faulty light switch is the cause for this epic recall. The light switch has supposedly caused many fires with Ford vehicles and is ultimately Ford’s biggest recall ever.

According to the NHTSA the faulty switch can leak hydraulic fluid, overheat, smoke and then burn, and risks causing a fire even when the ignition is turned off, parked and unattended. Looks like Ford we’ll have to do some major reconstruction to become profitable again.

Shelby has announced that they are making an electric car that goes from 0 to 60 in two seconds and recharges in ten minutes. It’s called the Aero. And that is sexy. But what’s sexier?

The e-WOLF, bitches. Cue the electric guitars, son, the next generation of electronic vehicles are ready to turn sentient and wreak havoc, rolling their sexy armies all over the earth. Specifically, the e2. It’s got a 187 mile cruising range, and can charge in thirty minutes. That’s right. You can watch an episode of the Simpsons, then go out, and run over Blofeld. Production is set to start in 2011, but right now, it’s all down on paper. Let’s hope it happens, and we’re all rich by then.

And the funniest part? It’s German. Hey American car-makers, if you give us something like this, more people will actually buy American, other than trucks and muscle cars from the mid-70’s. Because they’re manly n’ stuff. It’s good that people were actually hunkering down on engineering in other parts of the world, without their CEO’s eating Lobster Wellington under the false pretense that everything will stay the same. Or hiring their incompetent sons to run companies.

But this sexy car will be yours, in three short years. May we all be rich enough to get one. Enjoy the photos.

In other news, 536 horsepower.

Using official EPA methodology, GM revealed on Tuesday that their upcoming Chevrolet Volt extended-range electric car earns 230 mpg.

Sounds impressive, doesn’t it? After all, such a figure is more than 4-times more efficient than the current reigning hybrid vehicle (Toyota Prius, 50 mpg). And yet, even GM admits that such a figure is a bit of an overstatement.

The 230-mpg mark for the Chevy Volt pertains only to city driving.  As such, the figure benefits from the Volt’s ability to travel up to 40 miles on electric power alone. Throw in higher, more demanding speeds and extended travel times, and the astronomical fuel efficiency quickly plummets.

Still, GM officials are confident that the estimated combined city and highway mileage for the Volt will top triple digits (so, think somewhere around 100 mpg). That’s still a heck of an improvement over the current competition.

However, the Chevy Volt shouldn’t be heralded as a run-away success just yet. Other electric cars are currently in the works at other automakers. Of the few that have reported mileage, the Nissan Leaf (slated for release in late 2010) creams the Volt with an estimated 367 mpg city driving.

Another potential pitfall of the Chevy Volt is a high base MSRP. Starting at $40,000, the Volt is nearly twice as much as the Honda Insight or Toyota Prius. When released in late 2010, will car shoppers be willing to shell at the extra dough for a boost in fuel efficiency? Only time will tell.

I couldn’t decide between “Awesome car mods”, “Terrible car mods”, or “Stupid car mods”, so I just threw all three together into “Ridiculous car mods”, and I’ll let you sort out what’s what. By the way, there are tons of these out there, so hit Google if you’re looking for more, but these are the weirdest 15 I’ve ever found.

1) Hummer Tank

Somehow, even less fuel efficient than the original.

2) Pig Mobile

3) Redneck Spoiler

4) WTF?

No seriously, WTF.

5) Obese Cadillac

I don’t even know how they did this.

6) Ghetto Racecar

7) Solid Gold Car

Just wow.

8) Yes, I Need Eight Headlights

9) Makes sense.

10) Picasso’s Baller Ride

11) Turtle Car

12) Improvised Stretch Limo

Because even rednecks deserve to ride in style.

13) WTF part 2

Why?

14) Redneck Spoiler part 2

15) Nintendo Controller Engine

If it breaks down, you can just blow on it.

Scoot Coupe’s are the latest craze in comfortable moped driving. Not only are they good for the environment, but their relatively inexpensive purchase price goes a long way with recession proof buyers. As advertised on their site, these small little go cart-esque machines get up to 80 miles per gallon.

However, ranging in price from $5,000 to $10,000, these three-wheeled coupes don’t come cheap. And in case you were wondering, no the woman in the picture doesn’t come with the vehicle.

It seems like America is taking after Europe and investing in smaller vehicles. We probably owe this new, cheap gas, small car phase to the ridiculous purchases of Hummers in the late 1990s and early 2000s. This is nature’s way of telling us to keep it simple and stop polluting.

A young 7-year-old boy from Plain City, Utah was caught over the weekend driving his dad’s white Dodge Intrepid home from church (that a boy!). Quickly picked up by police after reports of a “child driving recklessly,” a local cop car followed the youngster through several stop signs, as he drove “erratically” at speeds up to 45 mph. At that point, the low-speed chase only lasted a few minutes longer soon after ending when the 7-year-old had reached home, at which point he booked it for the door to hide inside. A true natural, as they would say.

Mathew Bell, the Lt. Sheriff in Weber County, had this to say, “His speed was slow, but erratically; and so he would kind of scoot down lower to push on the gas and kinda sit up on the seat more to see right where he was going.” Police, however, are not planning on pressing any charges – as the kid is too young – but they did encourage the father to keep his keys safer.

Asked later by his dad why he did it, the 7-year-old responded, “It’s too hot to go to church.” I feel ya kid.

But as bad-ass as this kid is, he’s still got nothing on fellow 7-year-old Latarian Milton, who drove his grandma’s SUV several blocks and into a few parked cars. Why you ask? Latarian opined, “I wanted to do it cause it’s fun, it’s fun to do bad things. Drive into a car.” Indeed.

(photo courtesy of Inquisitr)

2750 B.C.

What Happened? Ancient Egyptians first wrote of shocks from electric fish, or “the Thunderers of the Nile” in hieroglyphs. I imagine they look something like the creationist fish, killing someone hauling limestone. Thankfully, ancient Egyptians had friends who were sensible enough to record their foibles in eloquent carvings. Which is probably better than the verbal exchange of, “STEVE, YOU JACKASS, STOP STEPPING ON THE GLOWING WATER.”

Why did it fail?

It was ancient Egypt. And they were electric fish, which, to this day, nobody’s been able to figure out how to harness the power of. Except MGMT, girl. Let’s you and me make electricity.

1750’s A.D.

What Happened? Benjamin Franklin and Zeus, two of the world’s most notorious players got together for a love-in. Franklin actually auctioned his possessions to fund his studies of electricity, which is impressive, considering they probably weren’t his possessions, just stuff women he was banging left over accidentally. Since we don’t know what he auctioned off, we’ll assume it was 200 toothbrushes. And petticoats. Franklin may have never conducted the infamous experiment where he flew a kite in a rainstorm, as he was a sensible man. And attempting to replicate that experiment killed Prof. Wilhelm Richmann, who would never again strike fear in his students with his terrifying name. It also made him the first to die while conducting electrical experiments, when lightning HIT HIM IN THE HEAD. DIRECTLY. IN THE HEAD. What are the odds? What’s that? He was holding an insulated rod in a storm? Pretty good, then. Never mind.

Why did it fail?

Cars were an afterthought at that point, which is a good thing, because Benjamin would’ve probably had a lot more British-loving illegitimate children if he could figure out how to put the backseat down.

1842 A.D.

What happened? Thomas Davenport and Robert Davidson, an American and a Scotsman, respectively, created more “practical” electronic vehicles. As in, they weren’t batteries strapped to a horse. They also weren’t rechargeable. Which means, it was one of those inventions you made for show, because after you demonstrated it, you had to haul the car back to the lab, and replace the battery, which was the size of a refrigerator. But the idea was brewing. Scotland and America could finally unite over something other than capitalism and manly beards.

Why did it fail?

Even though, at that time, electric cars were setting distance and speed records, they remained a novelty, a commodity, playthings for the super-wealthy. Production of electric cars was actually commonplace, and peaked in 1912. Interestingly enough, they were marketed to women, because they ran quiet, clean, and easy. Yeah, girl. That’s what woman like. Things that are quiet, clean, and easy. Like the inside of houses. Or dudes that shop at the GAP.

1920’s to 1980’s

What happened? Well, nothing, really. Oil tycoons were swimming in gold and building rockets to send poor people into space. Cars that ran on oil were cheaper, and America now had a system of roads, which would be conveniently renovated for the next 500 years.

Why did it fail?

Guess what?! Gas is not a never-ending resource! Santa doesn’t exist! Turns out, gas is made from fossil fuels, which is made from dead animals from millions of years ago. So don’t mercy kill your pets so your great grandchildren can have a better life. Try as we may, we can’t revive dinosaurs to kill them again. We can, girl, but they’ll take Samuel L. Jackson and Newman with them first.

Today

What happened? The world realizes the majority of fossil fuel is located at the cradle of life, in the Middle East. Or in South America. And that oil companies will lie like crazy ex-girlfriends to hike prices up. “There’s internal strife in oil-rich regions.” “It’s hard to transport without extra pipelines. I took your credit card.” Federal funding is allocated for the R&D of new and exciting electric cars, and it appears to be catching on. The other day, I saw a Tesla roadster racing through Sherman Oaks. Which made me excited. Imagine what Tesla would do if he could drive a roadster made in his name. He’d probably run over Edison.

Why did it fail?

Hopefully, it won’t. Girl.

But look at all of the ‘great new choices’

we will have from ‘The SMART Car’….

The Smorvette!

The Smaudi A3 AWD!

The Smamborghini!

The Smorsche!

The Smerrari!

All great ideas! Fuel efficient and cool!

And last, but not least,

The Smustang

(via buzzfeed)

Chrysler and Fiat have merged, and they will likely bring the Fiat 500 to the North American market. And why not? Cheap cars with great fuel economy is the way to go; who wants to drive a big gas guzzler these days? But wait… wasn’t the 500, er, not the best of vehicles?

My earliest memory of the Fiat 500 goes back to 1986. The family was on vacation, visiting relatives in the south of Italy for the summer. One day, we were on the way to my aunt’s cottage outside of our hometown, and we all pile into her 500. To say that it was a small car is an understatement. It’s the size of a thimble, and there were at least four people crammed in the back seat that day, even though two of us (my sister and I) were pretty small. Seat belts? Don’t make me laugh.

One thing you have to understand about Italy is that there are no laws. For anything. Ever. Especially driving. If you cross a street and make it to the other side, say a prayer to la Madonna, because it’s a miracle you’re alive. Now imagine driving on those same maniacal roads in a tiny rattling deathtrap of a car.

That said, I want a cinquecento.

Now why in the world would I want this thing? The car I remember wasn’t sturdy, didn’t handle well, was made from cheap materials, was prone to rust much earlier than other cars, and was generally a hunk of junk. And the country was loaded with them. I mean, there’s a reason they used to say that “Fiat” stood for “Fix it again, Tony.”

But in the 23 years since then, the car and the company have improved. The 500 is no longer the horrible little car it was. It’s been redesigned, it’s made from better materials, and I imagine that feeling of your life being in peril every time you get inside one isn’t there anymore; unless you’ve got a bad driver, and that’s a whole other story.

So why would I want it? I’ll give you three reasons: fuel economy, pricing and features. This is still speculation at this point, but it’s a pretty good bet that the 500 will be at least as good on fuel consumption as any comparable subcompact car; some estimate it might get over 40 mpg. It also wouldn’t surprise me to find this car in the $15,000 range. It’s a nice small vehicle, which will make it easier to maneuver and a snap to park. Plus you could probably fold it up and stuff it into the trunk of a Yaris with room to spare.

If you go over to the Fiat 500 site, you can play around and build your own Cinquecento. The build-your-own disclaimer says that the features seen there are only for the Italian market, but we can hope Chrysler brings over many of them. It doesn’t say anything about prices, but get a load of all the customization options. I never wanted racing stripes or an Italian flag decal on my car before, but I sure want ’em now.

And there’s the fourth reason I want this car: heritage pride. I can’t help it. It’s supposed to arrive next year; which, now that I think of it, might be right on time for the World Cup. If Italy takes the championship again, it’ll be even sweeter to drive around, honk the horn and be obnoxious in THAT car.

A high-speed chase, involving a white van and local police, just took place across the freeways and byways of Houston, Texas. The pursuit, which took place over an hour in two different counties and twenty-five miles, ended in a parking garage in the northern part of the city, where police cars surrounded the van.

However, that was not the end of the chase, as the suspect then ran to the top of the garage, at which point he was stopped at gun point by the local authorities. Still not giving up, the suspect then took toward the edge of the parking structure where he then jumped down, over thirty feet, onto the roof of a nearby building.

This last second attempt of an escape, however, proved to be his last attempt, as police officials soon after were able to pin the suspect down and arrest him. According to local reports, the suspect is a part of an ongoing investigation. No word yet, as to what that investigation is.

(photo courtesy of ABC 13)

Everyone’s got their own tastes, and after 15 Of The Hottest Women in Politics there was plenty of feedback to attest to that. Here we have 14 more women, all involved politically, all demanded by their faithful masses. Disregarding their political views, these women certainly all have one thing in common; among their peers they are hot.

Queen Rania of Jordan

Source

Known the world over for her stunning beauty, Queen Rania is not only royalty, but also qualifies as an Ultra MILF since she’s the mother of four children since 1994. She isn’t your average sit at home queen, either, as she travels the world on business and is actively involved in international politics. To add to her touch, she didn’t start off life as anything close to royalty, she used to work for Citibank and even Apple, before she met the lucky Jordanian Prince who would be King.

Belinda Stronach

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The Honourable Belinda Stronach, as she’s called in Canada, has had quite a career in politics, not to mention having her head photoshopped onto other women’s bodies. The effect, while comical, was probably pretty true to life since the veteran Minister of Parliament always took great care of her body, despite a recent bout with cancer. She now heads her own charitable foundation and works to spread cancer awareness.

Meghan McCain

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The daughter of ubiquitous Senator John McCain and scary-yet-inexplicably-hot mother Cindy McCain, Meghan was dragged into politics at a young age by publicly disagreeing with her father’s views. Now a fairly prolific blogger, Meghan’s known for her political commentary as well as her campaigning for women’s rights, but most notably for her role in the Gay Rights movement. Her most prominent “assets” got their share of fame recently on Twitter, where she’s kind of a big deal.

Silvana Koch-Mehrin

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Silvana has many a German man watching otherwise boring political news in hopes of seeing her strut her stuff. She’s a member of the German Free Democratic Party and also a representative at the European Parliament. She may deal with budgets all day but she certainly doesn’t look like a math geek.

Sonia Chang-Diaz

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Daughter of a former NASA astronaut, half Chinese, half Costa-Rican Sonia was the first Latina to be elected to the Massachusetts State Senate. Her dad may have been a physicist and she used to be a teacher herself, but she found her true calling in politics, starting off by actively volunteering around the Boston area before taking on her first Senate race.

Michelle Obama

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She’s not just the President’s Wife, she’s a fashionista and a breakthrough model now that she’s graced the covers of magazines like Vogue. Michelle Obama has managed to garner the affections of millions worldwide while always maintaining impeccable posture and a look that demands respect. She doesn’t spend her days resting on her laurels though, she advocates several movements both in the States and abroad, while still spending time with her two daughters.

Sabine Herold

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Painted as the diminutive poster-girl for the French Libertarian movement, a revolutionary, and generally cute political indie-chick, Sabine Herold had a meteoric rise to fame. She started off humble enough, going to school, graduating and becoming spokeswoman of the Liberté chérie association. All that’s great and everything, but in 2003 little Sabine headed an 80,000 person strong protest in Paris. That’s making waves.

Dana Perino

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Who can forget the glorious final two years of the Bush Administration? Not for anything it did, but for the press releases, because any time they had something to say, bumbling little woman was the one to deliver the bad news. Since she lost her job with everyone else at the White House when the new administration took over, she’s been working with Fox News and even CNN, staying in front of the camera, where all her fans want her.

Carey Torrice

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The Macomb County Commissioner of Macomb County, Michigan, Carey made a name for herself by being quite possibly the single hottest woman to ever enter politics in the United States. As if that wasn’t enough, she thought she’d own up to her status by posing in front of just about any camera within range of her, and even do it in bikinis and sexy costumes. She even set up her own gallery to show the world how ridiculously hot she is.

Charlotte Casiraghi of Monaco

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As the fourth in line to the throne, she’s called Charlotte of Monaco, and it might be expected that she be beautiful. While the majority of royals aren’t that great to look at in reality, Charlotte proves the old stereotype of what a would-be princess should be. And at only 22 years old, the girl is set to be gorgeous for a long, long time to come. As a testament to how differently things work in Europe, at age 16 the young debutante was named one of the ten most eligible young women in the world. Here that’s Chris Hansen territory, unless you’re Miley Cyrus.

Princess Alexandra of Luxembourg

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Her Royal Highness is the Princess of not only Luxembourg, but also Nassau and Bourbon-Parma. That’s one hell of a load to carry at 19 years old, but she does it with style and flare. The really odd thing about this girl is how quickly she can go from gorgeous ice-queen to fun-loving girl at the county fair, like in the above picture, firing off some rounds like a champ.

Noor Pahlavi, Princess of Iran

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Noor, living in exile, still carries the title of Princess of Iran even though she was born right here in the USA. Her father, still considered by many to be the rightful Shah of Iran, hasn’t returned since the revolution of ‘79. Noor spends her time now going to school in Maryland, and at barely 18 years old the young beauty queen is quickly becoming a hot topic now that she’s no longer a scarlet letter.

Mary Carey

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The porn star who amazed the world when she declared her intent to run for Governor of California, Marey Carey not only made good on her promise (even if it was a publicity stunt) but is still technically committed to a bid for the 2016 Presidential Elections. She has to wait until then to make the age requirements, since a candidate must be 35 years old to run for President. That ought to round out her resumé pretty well, all things considered.

Elizabeth Kucinich

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Our Honorable Mention this time belongs to Mrs. Kucinich. During the Election Primaries in 2008, it was difficult for men to pay attention to Democratic hopeful Dennis Kucinich when his wife was around. Nobody could get over the striking dissimilarity between the small, dumpy congressman and his awkwardly hot redheaded wife, Elizabeth. She still holds the hearts of many admirers, and might be the most interesting politician’s wife to come along in a long while. She’s not only British and not American, but she’s got her tongue pierced and has travelled all over the world volunteering to help poor children. She makes girlfriends and wives jealous.

TomTom offers a new Homer Simpson voice skin.

With a GPS in the car, you’re never lost. Or, so they say – until the little device encounters an address it’s never heard of or it tries taking you down a street that doesn’t exist anymore.

The occasional misdirect isn’t really the most annoying part of owning a GPS device, though. It’s the monobot “human” voices that call out your turn-by-turn directions. For some reason, the technology for recording a REAL human voice is just far beyond the capabilities of science and technology.

On my Garmin, you get your choice of either a male or female voice, in a number of accents and languages. Sadly, the Americans – Jack and Jill – are so ridiculously inhuman that I’ve resorted to letting Lee, the Australian, guide me around town.

In an effort to rectify these poor voices, TomTom is offering new, downloadable voice skins. The newest of which comes straight out of Springfield USA – Homer Simpson.

Unlike the real-world voices, the skin (voiced by The Simpsons’ Dan Castellaneta) actually sounds just like Homer – at least in the demos available on TomTom’s website. For added fun, Homer interjects some of his classic catchphrases. I’m guessing one of them isn’t, “If I don’t see it, it’s not illegal” – a phrase the fat dad shouts out in one episode, right before covering his eyes and careening through a red light.

The skin can be downloaded at TomTom’s site for $12.95, which seems a little pricey for something you’ll use once before it gets old. By that time, hopefully TomTom will have gotten my letter about other voices I’d like to hear in my car:

Christopher Walken
Pirate
William Shatner
Naked Salma Hayek
Drunk Irishman

However, its fatal flaw is that … well, look at it.

Its other, more serious flaws: 35 miles isn’t that far to travel. It takes “just a few hours” to recharge its batteries. If you do serious puttering around your little town, you could eat up that charge in no time, then have to wait while the PUMA gets back up to full.

There’s also nearly no protection against anything. Someone could reach right in and take something from your person and run off before you had a chance to extricate yourself from the harness. This thing wouldn’t survive a collision with any other vehicle. There’s no air conditioning. No shelter from rain. Where do you keep the groceries? And would you feel comfortable riding this toy up any hill greater than 20 degrees?

I’m sorry, GM, I know you’ve been having your problems lately, but this Lego Mindstorms project is not the key to profitability. But hey, maybe I’m just biased because I think Segways are the most ridiculous things ever. What do you think, O Learned Readers? Would you buy one of these?

This one was meant to say “I Love Tofu”

I mean, I love my car too. But I also love pizza. And I’m not going to keep a pizza around for 38 years just because I love it so much.

1920 Briggs and Stratton Flyer

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No more than a rolling frame of wood and metal, the Flyer could hardly be considered a go-cart, much less an automobile. This tribute to minimalism marked the beginning of a trend that runs through many of the cars in this list, the idea of sacrificing car for money. The early times were no excuse for the Flyer, as other automobile makers such as Cadillac and Rolls Royce were already rolling out luxury cars that made Briggs and Stratton’s two horsepower plank on wheels seem inferior to riding horseback.

1933 Fuller Dymaxion

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The Dymaxion was originally conceived of as a flying blimp-car. Its designer R. Buckminster Fuller was a classic expositor of nonsensical ideas such as this, and when the original intention was shown to be wholly ridiculous, the Dymaxion was stripped of its wings and released as a road-ready vehicle resembling some kind of hideous crossbreed between a blimp and a cable car. The Dymaxion never entered production and its concept models represent little more than a colossal waste of time and money.

1934 Chrystler Airflow

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With a front grille that sort of reminds one of Droopy the dog, the Airflow was far ahead of its time. In actuality, it was quite a good car featuring engineering genius including 50-50 weight distribution and steel space-frame construction. Its biggest downfall appears to be that America was simply not ready for it yet, as its streamlined style appears to have scared consumers from the Chrysler lots. Sales were lower than the bottom of Lake Eerie, and the few who did buy were often shocked by the car’s biggest mechanical issue: its engine had a tendency to fall out.

1957 King Midget Model III

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Sold as a DIY kit, the King Midget had to be assembled by the purchaser. Aside from this presenting a myriad of safety concerns (seeing as the average consumer does not possess the knowledge needed to properly assemble a vehicle), its not surprising that the $500.00 clunker suffered lousy sales, as few people really wanted to build their own. Eventually, government safety crackdowns put the nine horsepower snail out of production.

1958 Ford Edsel

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This unattractive boat of a car was released upon late-1950’s America. The recession was here and this car was simply too expensive and too fuel hungry for many people to justify buying. What else contributed to the historically abysmal sales that the Edsel saw? The car was the victim of a classic mistake that has doomed many a project by many a company: over hype in marketing. America was made to believe that the Edsel was going to be some kind of heavenly super-car that broke all the rules and stretched the limits of the automotive industry. Imagine their surprise when they instead got an overpriced, bloated and heavy…Ford.

1958 MGA Twin Cam

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Classic looks and abhorrent engineering sum this one up. The Twin Cam was one of the first twin cam engines, and turned out to be one of the biggest money and time sucks of all time. Maintaining the car’s fluid spilling, piston incinerating, plug fowling engine required the devotion one expects to give to a dog or a small child. If valve timing, rod integrity, octane measurement and a whole slew of other dormant problems were not constantly checked on, the driver ran the risk of dumping crucial oil, gas, screws and pipes all over the road. Needless to say, he who wishes to go racing and winds up with a dead, smoking hole where the engine used to be is not a satisfied customer. It wasn’t long before word spread and the engine was taken off the market.

1958 Zunndapp Janus

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At a hair-raising 14 horsepower, the Janus reached blood-boiling speeds of 50 MPH (assuming you had a long enough down hill straight away) and gave the uniquely rear-facing passengers a great view of angry motorists riding the bumper of this rust-box catastrophe. The company originally manufactured motorcycles, but then decided to give that up and move on to making the Janus. As a general rule, if you are terrible at selling something with two wheels, you wont be much better at making something with four. The Janus is a (barely) moving example of this.

1961 Amphicar

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A fun and unique concept, the Amphicar was built as a consumer model of the German military vehicle, the Nazi Schwimmwagen. Reaching a top speed of 7 MPH on the water, the Amphicar was more of a show-boat than a truly seaworthy craft. The car’s one downfall was possibly the biggest problem that such an experimental vehicle could feature: It wasn’t 100% waterproof! As a matter of fact, it leaked quite egregiously, and its buoyancy rested squarely on the functioning of the car’s built in bilge pump. If the pump failed to keep up with leakage (which it sometimes could not) the car became a titanic of a ride, sinking to the bottom and leaving its passengers without a paddle. Perhaps due to its small niche of consumers, or perhaps because of its effective death sentence for those who couldn’t swim, the Amphicar was never a very popular choice.

1970 AMC Gremlin

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Often cited as the sorriest looking car ever designed, the AMC Gremlin is the most oddly proportioned car of all time. It appears the designers took a vehicle twice its size and sawed it in half, just behind the drivers seat. With its long, sedan-sized nose, gradually sloping windshield, and abrupt backside, AMC’s attempt to grab its share of the sub-compact car market was met with laughter and ridicule. In a sorry attempt at ironic humor, hot-rod builders through the 1990’s and 2000’s continue to toss monster engines in old Gremlin bodies and tear up the track, hoping to make onlookers chuckle at the idea of a super-fast AMC.

1970 Triumph Stag

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Sadly, the sleek and beautiful styling of the British engineered Stag was all for naught. The car represents a grand bait-and-switch, for after consumers paid the requisite thousands of dollars to roll out of Triumph’s lot in a sexy little convertible, they are soon contending with a sheer nightmare of an engine that failed in a multitude of horrible ways, all of them rendering the car a nice lawn ornament. The pistons shot through the engine block, the aluminum heads warped and twisted, the oil burned bone dry, the timing belts snapped, the bearings would seize and the water pump would malfunction. About the only thing the Stag did reliably was break down.

1971 Ford Pinto

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Better known as “death on wheels”, the Ford Pinto is widely held as one of the worse mistakes in engineering history. Due to the asinine placement of the gas tank directly behind the rear bumper and tendency for the doors to jam shut in rear end collisions, the car became an exploding deathtrap for anyone involved in rather mundane traffic accidents. To make matters worse, the fatuous executives at Ford actually calculated out the cost of repairing the Pinto’s killer design against the cost of potential lawsuits, and found that it would be cheaper to let their drivers roast. This decision goes down as one of our country’s most nauseating business decisions, choosing profit over the lives of the world’s tens of Pinto drivers.

1971 Chevrolet Vega

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Some people consider the Chevy Vega to be the worst car ever to roll out of Detroit. The car suffered crazy rusting, engine fires and cylinder head warping. Quickly after this car hit the market, consumers became quite weary of the money-pit that was the Chevy Vega. Brian Herrman from Illinois, a previous Vega owner had this to say: “What an absolute pile of junk that was. It was not uncommon for the engine to start burning oil before 50,000 miles. The early models were complete rust buckets. The quality control was atrocious. And they had a reverse-hinged hood that came through the windshield in head-on collisions. (more horror stories here).

1975 Trabant

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Crawling along at a glacier’s pace, the 1975 Trabant came stock at a pathetic 18 HP. When the absolutely impractical and incapable car decided to run, it smoked like a New York night club on a Saturday. What else can you expect from a car wherein turning signals and break lights came optional? The Trabant was an utter dumpster vertical of a car and enjoyed a very brief lifespan on the market.

1978 AMC Pacer

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A recent poll by Hagerty Insurance asked enthusiasts to name the worst car design of all time. The winner: The crappy, fishbowl shaped AMC Pacer (better known as “The Mirth-mobile”). Its round cabin nearly cooked you alive in the heat of the sun, as the air-conditioning was ineffectual, failing to keep up with the heat and frequently releasing foul fumes into the driver’s face. The combination of hideous styling, lackluster luxury and totally non-existent performance combined into a car that only someone that hates sunshine and candy could drive.

1980 Chevrolet Corvette 305 California

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You might be wondering why you are seeing the 1980 Corvette 305 on a list of disastrous cars. Corvette is supposed to be synonymous with heart pounding and uncompromising performance, delivering a flair of American sports-car lore and surpassing the buyer’s every expectation. Right? Wrong. The 1980 California model came to consumers on a large dose of Federal tranquilizers. To keep up with new emissions regulations, the car crawled out of the lot with a shameful 180 HP. The embarrassing 305 engine was further throttled through its muddy and inadequate three speed transmission, giving an American legend the appearance of a lion, but with the bite of a fluffy little kitten.

1981 Cadillac Fleetwood V 8-6-4

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The V 8-6-4 was the nation’s first attempt at variable timing, which in today’s world is an amazing and handy little invention. The idea of turning off unnecessary cylinders at low speeds to save gas and reduce waste is an intriguing one, however the technology in 1981 was simply not equipped for such a computer-intensive task. Cadillac’s noble attempt resulted in a drought of sales, as faithful costumers were turned off by the cars’ stalling, clunking, bucking, shaking and utterly horrendous engine. Many opted to bring their vehicle into the shop to have its variable timing system hacked off the engine.

1982 Camaro Iron Duke

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Much like the snailish corvette of two years ago, the legendary Camaro became a neutered puppy in comparison to its pit bull predecessors. Stocked to the teeth with 90 screaming horses, the Iron Duke Camero was outperformed by farm equipment. The incredibly large and over-indulgent hood housed one the 1980’s most disappointing engines, clocking 0-60 in 20 seconds, meaning any modern day Kia Rio would smoke it on the track. Muscle atrophy.

1985 Yugo GV

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Part Car, part SUV, all disaster, the Yugo GV has been called the Mona Lisa of bad cars. Time Magazine reports that those who have driven the Yugo GV have “The distinct feeling of something assembled at gunpoint.” The car lacked so many modern features that “carpet” was listed by the manufacturer as a major selling point. The GV’s engine frequently fell apart for no clear reason other than the razor-thin manufacturing budget of the car. In the end, the GV went in the books as an utter failure to the American public, and no one with any serious need to be anywhere would be getting there in one of these scrap-heaps.

1997 Plymouth Prowler

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Plymouth’s Prowler attracted awe and excitation in its concept phase, seducing hot-rod fans at auto shows long before it hit production. In fact, I remember being at the New York Auto Show the year its concept was revealed and thinking to myself, “Wow, that is going to be one hell of a hot car when it is road ready!” How wrong we all were. Somehow, Plymouth thought it smart to design a ferocious looking classic hot-rod, and toss a mediocre standard engine under the hood. Producing a pathetic 214 horsepower, Prowler owners suffer the underwhelming and emasculating experience of being passed by flatbed trucks on the freeway. Once word hit the streets that the Prowler was all show and no go, few people opted to spend the extra money on the over hyped, low-end Plymouth six-banger.

2001 Pontiac Aztek

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A hideous body styling that is simply painful to look at has made the Aztek one of most hard-to-sell cars ever produced. Oddly placed headlights, colors that look like crayola crayon rejects and odd proportions make for one terrible ride. Unfortunately, Pontiac’s original conception of the vehicle was quite different, however corporate red tape sent the Aztek design through the ringer, mangling the design over and over again until the factory puked out this horrid contraption. Mechanically sound, embarrassingly ugly, the Aztek remains a very unsuccessful vehicle. Plus there’s a tent in the back.

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The 3000 mile route, incorporated stops in Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Santa Fe, Dallas, and New Orleans embellished Gumball’s core values of uniting people through popular culture and the language of the motorcar.
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Check out some of our favorite rides and more from the Gumball 3000!

(Photos By: Jimmy Santos for Manolith)