Dear Mr. Madden,

How’s it going? I’m a longtime fan, both of your announcing and of your video games (I own Madden ‘04 all the way up through ‘10). I’m too young to have been around when you were playing, but I trust that was spectacular as well:)

Hope you’re enjoying your retirement, and wanted to write you about an idea I had. Not to underplay all your other achievements, but I truly believe that the greatest thing you’ve ever done was to invent the Turducken. You know, the Turkey-stuffed-with-Duck-stuffed-with-Chicken you cooked up for Thanksgiving a couple years ago. I’m a big meat fan myself, and am a particular fan of seafood, and I thought I would toss you an idea that would allow you to take the genius of the Turduken to a whole new level. A whole new many levels, in fact.

I give you… BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp:

Yes, it’s just what it looks like. A Blue-Whale-stuffed-with-a-Killer-Whale-stuffed-with-a-Great-White-Shark-stuffed-with-a-Marlin-stuffed-with-a-Halibut-stuffed-with-a-Tuna-stuffed-with-a-Trout-stuffed-with-a-Salmon-stuffed-with-a-Lobster-stuffed-with-a-Shrimp. In case you can’t make out the inner layers very well, I’ve made an insert:

It’s the ultimate evolution in food-stuffed-with-other-food. And I want you to have it, and make it big – I just want credit. I’m just a nobody, and don’t have the celebrity status to make this idea reach the greatness it deserves. I think you’ll agree with me, John, when I say that you’re the perfect man for the job.

Thanks!

Paul Spond
paul@paulspond.com
>>>

<<<
—–Original Message—–
From: Janson, Richard [mailto:maddenasst@ea.com]
Sent: Tuesday, Jan 12, 2010 2:47 PM
To: paul@paulspond.com
Subject: Re: BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp

Dear Mr. Spond,

Thank you for your enthusiastic letter. As you know, Mr. Madden retired a year ago, and never was actually employed by EA Sports in the first place – we simply license his name and voice for our video games. So this isn’t the best address to reach him – the address just references the title of the game, not the actual John Madden. Perhaps you can find a mailing address on a fan site, or perhaps via his agents, though I’m not sure they’d be the best people to contact, given the nature of your request.

Regards,

Rick Janson
PR Desk Assistant
EA Sports
>>>

<<<
—–Original Message—–
From: Spond, Paul [mailto:paul@paulspond.com]
Sent: Tuesday, Jan 6, 2010 3:47 PM
To: maddenasst@ea.com
Subject: BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp

Dear Richard,

Thanks for writing back! How exciting that we’re both huge John Madden fans! It’s a pleasure to meet you.

So it sounds like John isn’t around the office as much anymore, but maybe you could forward my email on to him? I’m sure you guys have a solid relationship, what with him spending so much at the office recording voice-overs for the game. If it helps, tell him that we’re both from Minnesota (I grew up in Minneapolis and John’s from Austin, where I once played a baseball tournament)! I tried to figure out where John and his wife Virginia’s house is, but there are a lot of Maddens in the phonebook.

Let me know what he says!

Thanks!

Paul Spond
paul@paulspond.com
>>>

<<<
—–Original Message—–
From: Janson, Richard [mailto:maddenasst@ea.com]
Sent: Tuesday, Jan 12, 2010 2:47 PM
To: paul@paulspond.com
Subject: Re: BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp

Dear Mr. Spond,

I’ve actually never met John Madden; EA is a big company, I’ve only been here six months, and Mr. Madden doesn’t need to come into any of our actual offices when he (very occasionally) needs to record new voice bits. I’m afraid I don’t have access to his email address.

I’m can’t tell for sure whether or not you’re joking, but you probably shouldn’t go to John Madden’s home.

Regards

Rick Janson
PR Desk Assistant
EA Sports
>>>

<<<
—–Original Message—–
From: Spond, Paul [mailto:paul@paulspond.com]
Sent: Wednesday, Jan 6, 2010 10:13 AM
To: maddenasst@ea.com
Subject: BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp

Dear Rick,

I promise, the BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp is most certainly not a joke. In fact I’ve already begun assembling it: the shrimp, lobster and salmon were not difficult to find at my local supermarket. The whole tuna fish, trout, and halibut are a little harder to find, but I have some calls in to area seafood restaurants and am optimistic. It’s the larger fish I need John’s help with.

I realize Mr. Madden is very busy (though maybe less so since his retirement), and I of course would want to respect his privacy and stick to email and phone, if you think it’s best. Perhaps you can give him a call, then, if you don’t have his email? I assure you, the BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp is definitely something John Madden will want to be a part of.

Thanks!

Paul Spond
paul@paulspond.com
>>>

<<<
—–Original Message—–
From: Janson, Richard [mailto:maddenasst@ea.com]
Sent: Tuesday, Jan 12, 2010 2:47 PM
To: paul@paulspond.com
Subject: Re: BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp

As I’ve stated, I don’t have any of John Madden’s contact info, much less his home phone number. Also, as I can see now that you’re actually serious about this absurd idea, I’ll respond in kind and point out that Killer Whales are protected species, Blue Whales are enormous, and that you can’t fit a trout inside a tuna fish! In fact, the logic of your entire premise is flawed: the idea of the Turducken was that it was three foods that people actually eat. Nobody eats Killer Whales.

Sorry I can’t help you.

Rick Janson
PR Desk Assistant
EA Sports
>>>

<<<
—–Original Message—–
From: Spond, Paul [mailto:paul@paulspond.com]
Sent: Wednesday, Jan 6, 2010 10:13 AM
To: maddenasst@ea.com
Subject: BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp

Dear Ricky,

I’m afraid you’re incorrect – the Makah people of the Pacific Northwest eat killer whales (orcas). And you’re mistaken about the sizes of tuna fish and trout: tuna fish have an average size of 30 pounds, much larger than the 10 pound average size of a trout.

Please pass along John Madden’s cell phone number or fax number I can be in touch myself about this tremendous opportunity.

Thanks!

Paul Spond
paul@paulspond.com
>>>

<<<
—–Original Message—–
From: Janson, Richard [mailto:maddenasst@ea.com]
Sent: Tuesday, Jan 12, 2010 2:47 PM
To: paul@paulspond.com
Subject: Re: BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp

Just because a trout weighs 10 pounds and a tuna weights 30 pounds doesn’t mean you could fit one inside the other. I weight 180 pounds, but that doesn’t mean I could fit a 60-pound child inside of me.

Rick Janson
PR Desk Assistant
EA Sports
>>>

<<<
—–Original Message—–
From: Spond, Paul [mailto:paul@paulspond.com]
Sent: Wednesday, Jan 6, 2010 10:13 AM
To: maddenasst@ea.com
Subject: BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp

Dear Dick,

Fish much more flexible than humans. I’ll have you know that a small trout does indeed fit inside a large tuna – I had to use a pliers and some rope to get him in there, but he fits. Please have John Madden subscribe to my Twitter feed, and I can contact him that way about helping me get access to a Blue Whale.

Also, if you’re suggesting we add humans-stuffed-inside-other-humans to the BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp, I don’t find that to be appropriate, and neither would John.

Thanks!

Paul Spond
paul@paulspond.com
>>>

<<<
—–Original Message—–
From: Janson, Richard [mailto:maddenasst@ea.com]
Sent: Tuesday, Jan 12, 2010 2:47 PM
To: paul@paulspond.com
Subject: Re: BluKillWhiteMarlIbuTunaTroutSaLobsteRimp

Dear Mr. Spond,

Please don’t ever write here again.

Regards,

Rick Janson
PR Desk Assistant
EA Sports
>>>

You know what, why wait? I’m just going to hit you right in the face with maybe the biggest-ass easter egg of them all. Hell, it comes in its own aircraft hanger. If you unraveled its ribbon, it could be an entry in our big-ass slip ‘n slide gallery. Rumor has it dozens of engineers worked on this for weeks, instead of improving solar power or preventing global warming.

87,000 dollar (pound? Either way, it’s a lot) egg from England. Yes…

Those are muthafucking diamonds on that sucker.

This ginormous egg is in Canada somewhere, commemorating something having to do with Ukraine settlers and marking the final treasure in a reduced-for-Canadian-intelligence Easter egg hunt.

Another from London. Them Brits love them some huge chocolate eggs!

This one’s from Prague, and represents the dietary difference from Britain: whereas the English prefer chocolate, the Czechs eat sticks.

Found this on a website also featuring several articles about people’s strange houses, and at first I thought it was somebody’s futuristic, ergonomic bubble home. Then I read closer, and realized it was just another big-ass egg.

At Disneyland Paris. Only in France would they have the inedible and biologically confused “bunch of stuffed rabbits inside a giant egg”.

I love this – only in America do we paint an egg by slapping a big-ass American flag on it and just hoisting it up to the sky, as if to say “Fuck you England, fuck you France, this is our big-ass patriot egg that will use up all your oil, drop bombs on your country, then drive its big-ass car over to your house and fuck your wife.” This is one jingoistic egg.

I think this one’s also French, judging by the writing and the stupid look on the stupid chef’s stupid face. In any case, the egg’s about the size of one of King Kong’s ball – that is to say, fricking mammoth.

I’m in heaven. Except I think it’s actually a trailer, not a giant chocolate cream egg. Either way, I’d eat my way out of it. Metal and all.

An egg from Croatia, and pretty goddamn beautiful.

I believe this one’s also from Croatia, the bigger brother of the last egg. I think they were even in the same “giant painted egg for no reason” contest, judging by the similar lamp posts and weird flowers all over the ground.

I think this egg’s wearing some kind of Easter hula skirt.

A good old, immoderately lavish New York egg.

A church, with an egg sanctuary, which is sort of appropriate and sacreligious at the same time.

I guess they ran a calculation on this and discovered it contains 169,000 calories. So, breakfast for Rosie O’Donnell.

A fake egg, painted with pictures of real eggs. How post-modern.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if this was the last step in some giant, farm-land Rube Goldberg, where some dominos knock over a broomstick that turns a fan on that blows a candle into a burning a rope that causes this leviathan egg to fall and kill your dad?

This Romanian monstrosity claims to hold the Guiness World Record for largest painted egg, but I think several entries on this page prove that unlikely. Ah, internet, you used to be so trustworthy!

This egg looks like it’s wearing a giant yellow tuxedo. Why do I get the feeling a giant stripper is about to climb out of it?

Maybe the most delicious/disgusting-looking specimen on this list. It looks like it was fried in bacon grease. Which reminds me: I scoured every corner of the web to try to find a giant easter egg made of bacon, but failed miserably. Which is probably for the best – my brain probably would have imploded from too much awesomeness.

So there you have it. The most awesome giant eggs on the internet. Now let’s get back to celebrating Jesus and taking a day off of chores.

This is from a staged performance of “The Miracle Worker” and has been making its way around the internets:

Apparently, the thing you don’t want to skimp on during a play about a blind/deaf girl is stage size. I’m actually not even sure what that pit was doing there -– I’ve seen “The Miracle Worker” and don’t remember there being an orchestra.

My friend Molly introduced this to me and pointed out that, even though you know exactly what’s going to happen (I endlessly debated leaving the title like that and finally decided, “What the hell”), you just sit there in suspense for the whole lead-up, only to feel guilty when you laugh your ass off. Your only consolation is that you’re pretty sure the actress playing Helen Keller is probably not, in reality, deaf, dumb and blind (look at that sprite with which she launches herself back onto the stage!).  Unless, of course, she incurred these injuries upon hitting her head on the ground after her fall, which would really transcend “irony” into a realm of “God mocking you.”

So like I said, we’re all going to hell for this one.

The Winter Games are upon us, and everyone is obsessed with figure skating, the American winning all the speed skating golds, and Sean White, the snowboarder who looks like Carrot Top.

But the events you know haven’t always been that way. The first winter Olympic events, actually played during the 1908 summer Olympics, featured only 4 figure skating contests, and and suggestions for new events trickle in all the time. Some of these suggestions are accepted, as snowboarding was in 1998. But some of these suggestions… aren’t.

1) Bandy

Nope, it’s not hockey. Looks closely: they’re playing with a pink ball. And using field hockey sticks. And the dude in yellow seems to be giving the midget in white a reach-around, though that’s probably not part of the game.

Part hockey, part field hockey, and part broomball, Bandy is a sport popular in parts of the world where they’ve never heard of Wayne Gretsky. And although it was played at the 1952 Oslo Olympics at a demonstration sport (meaning teams compete but it’s not part of the official games), Bandy is still waiting to become a true Olympic sport. Maybe because in 1952, only Norway, Sweden and Finland actually showed up with teams.

Oh, and instead of Face-Offs, Bandy has “Stroke-Offs”. I’m still giggling about that one. Maybe there’s something to that picture, after all.

2) Skijoring

Skijoring is cross-country skiing, except you’re pulled by dogs (or horses or snowmobiles, I guess, but dogs are much more fun). Granted, the phrase “pulled by dogs” makes just about any activity better (slip ‘n slide, skateboarding, wheelchair racing, etc), provided the phrase “pulled by dogs” isn’t injected with the word “apart”.

This kickass event was tried out at the 1928 Winter Olympics in its equestrian form but has never made it into the real games, probably due in part to complaints by animal nuts. Fortunately, Skijoring will be featured in the 2012 F*ck Peta Winter Olympic Games, which will also include Ice Fishing, Seal Clubbing and Burying Kittens in Snowbanks.

3) Winter Pentathlon

In a demonstrative event in the 1948 Olympics, athletes competed in a Pentathalon featuring the following events:
- Cross-country skiing
- Shooting
- Downhill skiing
- Fencing (!?)
- Horse riding (!?!?)

So let me get this straight: competitors ski across flat land for a while, then ski downhill, then stop and shoot some stuff, then drop their guns and sword-fight with each other, then jump onto horses and ride them away through the snow?

I don’t even know what to say. Except that watching horses get stuck in belly-deep snow is entertaining enough to be an event all by itself, in the Winter Olympics of Me Laughing My Ass Off.

4) “Special Figures” Figure Skating

This actually was an event, in the 1908 Olympics in London. Basically, the idea is to trace patterns on the ice with the blade of one ice skate, like these:

Or these, when I do it.

So essentially, it’s like Figure Skating meets Etch-a-Sketch.

The only Special Figure Figure Skating gold medal ever was won by Russian Nikolai Panin, who then went on to have a bright future in drawing doodles during office meetings.

5) Snowshoeing

It’d fit, wouldn’t it? I mean, we already have skiing, and snowboarding, and skating, and the 80% of other winter sports that involve strapping something ridiculous to your feet and moving as fast as you can. Why not snowshowing? It’s how we used to get around in Minnesota.

But sadly, though already a stable in the Winter Special Olympics (makes sense), snowshoeing has yet to make it to the big show. Though the U.S. Snowshowing Association (USSSA) has been pushing for years.

Other Winter Sports I’d Love To See Become Events

(though it may be just me):
Skibobbing (the picture at the top), Snowball Fighting, Synchronized Snowman Building, Sled Jumping, and, of course, Whitewashing Your Younger Brother.

I love the new era of R&B. Every singer, regardless of whether or not they have any singing ability, sounds like a male Cher on her 1998 “Believe” track. And it’s all thanks to Auto-Tune.

For those not familiar, Auto-Tune is an audio plug-in that shifts a performer’s singing to the nearest note, correcting any mistakes and, in some cases, adding melody where there wasn’t any before. I have a friend who works at a recording studio and tells me that, for some pop artists who will remain nameless, the engineers just have them SAY the lyrics, then add the melody in post.

It’s not authentic. It’s not fair. Maybe it’s not even right. But goddamn. Everything just sounds so goddamn GOOD. It’s the same reason I love McDonald’s.

But the best thing to come out of this era is what ELSE you can do with Auto-Tune. It doesn’t have to be limited to talent-impaired pop stars — Auto-Tune can be applied to anything, if you have the right software and a little creativity. And the Internets have taken to it, in no small way. So without further ado, I give you the five best misapplications of Auto-Tunes.

Baby Crying Auto-Tune

Like I said, you can do ANYTHING with this.

MLK: “I Have a Dream” Auto-Tune

Sacrilegious? Whatever, it gets more kids to listen to the speech. It’s also a pretty kick-ass beat.

Auto-Tuned Cats

Deeply disturbing; deeply awesome.

Auto-Tune the News

These guys were some of the originators of this meme. There are now something like eight of these Auto-Tune the News videos, which have received close to 20 million views on YouTube.

Slap-Chop Remix

This is my personal favorite. The song is awesome.

Can T-Pain actually sing? Maybe. Maybe not. But it doesn’t matter, because we’re in the era of Auto-Tune.

Oh, and by the way, T-Pain’s Auto-Tuning now even has an iPhone App.

(without breaking your bank account, because otherwise I would just say get a limo to the airport, and fly her to Paris to have dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower, which you’ve had dipped in gold.)

So it’s Valentine’s Day. The day the girl you’re dating is expecting something more than the “ordering Dominoes and watching 30 Rock” that’s usually enough to get you some sloppy boning.

That’s right, the day YOU have to be (gasp) creative, lest you want to spend the last part of the night alone in her bathroom, working off to a partially downloaded picture of Jessica Alba on your Blackberry, or worse yet, buy her jewelry to make for being a total suck boyfriend who can’t even come up with a good Valentine’s date.

Luckily, other people have already been creative, precisely so you don’t have to. You just have to keep her from reading this website.

1. The “Choose Your Own Adventure” Date

COST: $50-$120, depending on the restaurants/activities
GOOD FOR: All types of girls, even those you haven’t been dating very long.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Very High

THE DATE: Remember those books when you were a kid? Yeah, kinda like that, except your date won’t end up getting her brain devoured by leprous gnome-aliens from the planet Groton (hopefully). Here’s how it works.

Don’t tell your date anything about the date (except what to wear). Show up at her house and tell her you’re going to be having a “Choose Your Own Adventure” date, and that the events of the date will depend on her selections. Then give her cryptic choices like “North or South?” that link with the activities behind them: if she picks “north,” do something you would do in the north, like ice skating. If she picks “south,” do something you would do in the south, like horseback riding. Or starting a drug cartel.

After the first activity, give her another choice, like “East or West?”, that combines with the prior choice for dinner. Like North + West would be Surf ‘n Surf and South + East would be Cajun BBQ. Get it?

CAVEATS: It can get a little complicated if you have more than two steps (not to mention you have to plan between 4, 8 or 256 possible date permutations), but trust me, it will have worked by this point. After the main events are over, feel free to end the night with some choices of your own: Wine or champagne? Your place or hers? Traditional or rodeo-style?

2. The Astronomy Lesson

COST: Free
GOOD FOR: Nerds, night-owls, and girls who think it matters what your sign is.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Very High

THE DATE: Take your date to a mountain campsite or a romantic nature preserve or an unobstructed roof deck, and embark on a night of storytelling and lying side by side as you show her all the constellations and explain the fascinating mythologies behind each of them. This can last for an hour or all night, depending on how much Greek crap you can cram in your noggin.

Note: you do not actually need to be naturally knowledgeable about stars or myths for this — there are any number of websites where you can learn everything you need to know though. Just do it at work, when you’d normally be surfing Stumbleupon. You can also just make stuff up, your date’s probably not going to know that the Reverse Cowgirl isn’t an actual constellation.

CAVEATS: You’re f*cked if it’s cloudy, so you better have a backup plan, like your local planetarium. Bad news: Planetarium ushers usually don’t like you telling your own stories during their show, and/or trying to slip your date the old two-finger salute. Good news: If you do succeed in this, you’ve got a hell of story for the grandkids.

3. The Five-Star Shitty Restaurant

COST: $5.99 (unless you choose steak, then $6.49)
GOOD FOR: Girls with a senses of humor and/or terrible eating habits.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High (or very low, depending on the girl)

THE DATE: This one’s all in the set up. Don’t tell her where you’re going, just tell her to dress up super nice, show up in Tux or suit, with flowers, borrow a friend’s car that’s much nicer than yours, drive her to the most expensive restaurant area in town… and then go to Taco Bell.

Sometimes that’s enough. But you can keep going. Bring in your own silverware. Drink Sierra Mist out of wine glasses. Mild Sauce out of tea saucers. I’ve found most Taco Bell managers will let you put a table cloth on their tables, as long as you talk to them first, and don’t keep referring to it as El Table Cloth Supreme.

CAVEATS: Super high-maintenance ladies generally don’t see the humor/cleverness in this idea, so if you’re dating one… well, dump her and start dating a cooler chick. This date also works phenomenally with homeless women.

4. The Picnic Hike

COST: $30
GOOD FOR: Out-doorsy types
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High

THE DATE: As much as we humans try to make our museums, opera houses and Vegas Casino lobbies beautiful, there’s just no competing with nature. Find the most pristine beach, gorgeous park, or scenic mountain top wherever you live, drive your date 95% of the way there, (because no girl wants to walk 10 miles on Valentine’s Day) then hike it. Don’t tell her where you’re going, just to bring good walking shoes, and have a picnic waiting for you both at the end, all set up. This means you’ll have to make the hike twice yourself, but that’s a small price to pay for cheeks.

CAVEATS: This IS the great outdoors, so there’s always the risk of a potentially sweaty or tired girlfriend, or a cougar attack. And we don’t mean having your Valentine’s date turn into a threesome with a feral, 40-year-old MILF.

5. The Cheesiest Date Ever

COST: $80-$150, depending on the thickness of the cheese
GOOD FOR: Girls who hate Valentine’s Day and syrupy romance stuff. Also, girls who LOVE Valentine’s Day and syrupy romance stuff.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Fair

THE DATE: For the Post-Modern, Smuggly-Self-Referential date on this list, I recommend the Cheesiest Date Ever. Instead of avoiding the usual Valentine’s Day clichés, do ALL of them. The heart-shaped box of candies. The rose petals leading down her steps. The Hallmark card with the stuffed animal. Take a long walk on the beach. Go to a candle-lit Italian restaurant and meet in the middle of a strand of spaghetti. Go to an ice-cream shop and share a milkshake with two straws. But you have to do it all to get the effect. You can set it up at the beginning by telling her you’re taking her on the most original date ever, or just let her get it as you go along. Assuming she hasn’t ditched you after the stuffed animal.

CAVEATS: Just don’t make the same mistake I did and do this for your first Valentine’s Day with your lady, lest you spend the rest of the decade proving that you actually are creative because she didn’t get the joke.

6. The Treasure Hunt Date

COST: $30 (and a bunch of set-up time)
GOOD FOR: Better for girls you’ve been dating for at least a few months, so they don’t think you’re going to kidnap/rape them. Also good for pirate girls.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Very High

THE DATE: Picture this: your date answers her door for your Valentine’s Date only to find a note. A short poem; a clue, leading her to her next hint, with the promise of a wonderful reward at the end. The clues lead her around to different places of meaning to the two of you, and finally end in a garden somewhere where you’re waiting with flowers. And a picnic (yes, again with the picnic thing, but picnics are underratedly romantic). And perhaps a more complete poem, painting how much you love her, now that the theme’s been set up. If you do it right, she might just jump your bones right there.

CAVEATS: OK, a few for this one. One, as with many neighborhood dates, this works much better in some areas than other. College campus: great. South Central: not so much. Two, it’s essential to find a good way to reassure your girl that you’ll be close by as she’s wandering around, keeping her safe — without making yourself sound like a crazy stalker. And finally, do not write poems if you are a shitty writer. You can write regular riddle clues if you’re more comfortable with that, or draw pictures. Or just cut up a Google map.

7. The Double Massage

COST: $40-$80
GOOD FOR: Nymphos, or any girl who likes a nice massage. Not good for girls who already work in massage parlors.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High

THE DATE: This is perhaps more a gift idea coupled with an end-of-the-date idea, so you might want to throw a dinner in there too, or at least an Acapella Show or something. But anyway, the idea is you give her two massage gift certificates, one for a professional place with words like “Serenity” or “Xanadu” or anything French in the title, and the other for an amateur massage, from you. And not just your usual “I’ll rub your back from two minutes in the hopes of getting a blowjob” massage, rather one in which you actually buy oils and crap. This way, you’ve got both your “I’m personal and thoughtful and want to spend time with you” and your “but don’t worry I also have money so your girlfriends will be jealous” cards covered.

CAVEATS: Like I said, this is almost more of a gift idea than a date idea, though one of these massages could certainly happen on Valentine’s Day — what better V-Day could you hope for than ending it with hot oils, or with your girl in a spa while you watch football next door at Best Buy?. I strongly suggest not letting her do both massages on the same day, though (or even near each other). Yours is just going to look shitty.

8. Cook For Them

COST: $30-$60 (get some decent wine)
GOOD FOR: Health nuts; girls too obese to leave the house.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High

THE DATE: Find a way into your date’s apartment when she gets home from a long day at the office (or Pilates class, if you’re carrying all the weight in the relationship). Use candles, lighting, Kenny G, etc. to make the place look fantastic, and different than she’s used to. Make multiple courses. Make a fire. Drink wine in front of it after the meal, or make s’mores if you’re dating a heavy. Play your cards right and you won’t have to leave the house (or spend another dime) until morning.

CAVEATS: Do not, at any point in the night, utter the words “So I figured since I did all the cooking, you’ll handle the dishes.” The words “I figured one of us should do some cooking for once,” should also be avoided.

9. Gondola/Carriage Ride

COST: $100ish
GOOD FOR: Most girls, excluding Hydrophobics or equinophobics.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: High

THE DATE: And not just in New York and Venice, Italy — you’d be surprised, many decent-sized cities have things along these lines, just search online. Carriage rides make for an ideal romantic transport between one part of your date and another, or as an extended ride in which it can become the whole date. Gondola rides can even add dinner (it’s hard to dine on a carriage, unfortunately, given the bumps and horses’ asses three feet away.) Both are pretty damn sexy and new to most girls.

If your city is too small for these services, a second option would be to construct your own. You know, if you happen to be a boatsmith, or own several horses. Third option is to hire one of those bike carriage guys, though this is a lot less romantic. Fourth option is to hire a hobo to push the two of you around in a wheelbarrow.

CAVEATS: If you actually live in Venice, don’t do a gondola ride, because there it’s the equivalent to taking your girl on a date where you ride around in a taxi. Same goes for the carriage ride, if you’re Amish.

10. Dominoes and 30-Rock

COST: $19.95 (includes cheesy bread)
GOOD FOR: The tenth time you’ve used this list.
LIKELIHOOD OF BONAGE: Fair

THE DATE: And hey, there’s something to be said for “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Sometimes the best date is just to look your date straight in the eye and tell her you love her, no matter what you do together. Even if it’s the same old shit you do every night. Except don’t actually say that last part.

And don’t say we didn’t warn you if you end up at Zales the next day, trying to make up for your unoriginality.

And yet… ads like these sometimes still get through.

#5 Sales Genie: Ramesh

Target: Indians (dot, not feather)

Ah yes, who could forget last year’s gem from Sales Genie about an Indian telemarketer who needs to raise leads to feed his starving family?

Actual dialogue:
Stereotypical White Boss: If you don’t double your sales, you’re out of here!
Stereotypical Indian Employee: But Hank, I have seven kids!
Stereotypical White Boss: Not my problem!

So maybe it’s racist against short, Italian bosses too?

#4 Doritos: Black Date

Target: African Americans

Caveat: I actually think this commercial is pretty hilarious, but apparently some people find it racist.

Other caveat: OK, this commercial is only in the top three for the Doritos Crash the Superbowl Contest, and hasn’t won yet, so there’s a chance it might not get shown during the actual game… but here’s hoping.

#3 Bud Light: Foreign Accents

Target: Everyone

I will say, if you’re going to hit foreign stereotypes, you might as well hit all of them.

But it’s OK, because Carlos Mencia is in it!

#2 Sales Genie: Pandas

Target: Asians; Pandas

Oh yes, we wouldn’t omit this one, Sales Genie’s even more racist commercial from last year’s game. Researching this post was tough, because the first 50 entries on Google for “Racist Superbowl Ads” all lead to this one.

Gotta hand it to Sales Genie, though – before February of last year, nobody had ever heard of them. And as GoDaddy once proved, you gotta go low to get high.

#1 Just For Feet: Kenyan Runner

Target: Just For Feet’s Stockholders

I don’t remember this, but apparently it aired during the 1999 bowl…

Sometimes there’s debate about whether or not an ad is racist. I’m having trouble coming up with arguments for this one…
“It’s not racist because Africans DON’T have shoes.”
“It’s not racist because all Africans DO like running long distances. Barefoot. Through the desert. With no water.”
“It’s not racist because British-looking safari guys DO like hunting black people through the wilderness, then branding them with culture.”
Um, yeah.

Runner up goes to Degree’s “Mama’s Boy“ ad for it’s awesome Jewish mother stereotypes.

Dear Dr. Scientist

I just watched Avatar, and my friend said that humans are gonna be that tall someday, because people have been getting taller for the past 500 years. Is my friend a retard?
-DillonMunz606

A:

Dear DillonMunz, Possibly. Down Syndrome, cerebral palsy and more impactful forms of autism, commonly known to teenage boys as “being a retard” are more prevalent these days than ever. But I think you meant, is your friend correct about humans continuing to get taller, so I’ll address that question.

True or False: humans are getting taller? Well, it’s a bit of both, though there is certainly some truth to this idea. Assuming you belief in evolution, you know that humans evolved from an ape-like ancestor. And assuming you’ve ever been to a zoo, you know that humans are somewhat taller than apes, except for King Kong, who if you’ll remember was something of a genetic aberration (also, if you’ll remember, King Kong lived sometime in the 20th Century, so perhaps apes have been doing a little evolving of their own). But yes, ever since 3-foot, 6-inch Lucy, the line of homonid species that has somehow cumulated with Perez Hilton has been getting slowly more vertical. Why? Well, once upon a time it had something to do with running faster and throwing spears, but most of that’s not very applicable anymore unless you’re competing in the summer Olympics. But there’s also a sexual selection component; studies show that greater height among humans is often a sought-after trait. Let me tell you, it’s true. I’m 6′2″, and I can’t tell you how much strange action I get. Also, being a Doctor named “Scientist” helps; females also seem to go nuts over perceived success, another thing height is correlated with. But girls wanting to bang guys tall enough to outrun charging mammoths isn’t the whole story. Truth is, human height has actually been fairly cyclical, and may have already started to level out. Some evidence suggests that many early Homo Sapiens were nearly as tall as people today, and humans in the middle ages definitely were. During the 1600s-1800s, people actually got a little shorter, due to the harsh living conditions brought about by the Little Ice Age and proliferation of French Philosophy. And well it’s true that people today are the tallest they’ve ever been, this is actually more due to better nutrition than to evolution. My brother just returned from India and reported that almost without exception, people from the wealthy classes were taller than those from the poorer classes. This would be true in America too except that in America, everybody eats too much. So, to address your question: Are we going to turn into the vertically-gifted, nature-intoned Na’vi people portrayed by the movie Avatar? Not unless we all become tree-huggers, fly to a different planet, and start boning Smurfs. Aside from the blue skin, tentacle pony-tails and lithe, zero-percent body fat bodies (which we have been unsuccessfully struggling after for years), humans simply will never get that tall. Genetics and nutrition aside, the structure of the human body just doesn’t do well supporting heights much over the high-six, low-seven foot levels. The likelihood of joint and bone problems shoot way up at this height, as to circulation issues related to pumping blood all the way up to the stratosphere of Gheorghe Muresan’s head. So while humans will probably continue get a little taller for a while, there’s a physical limit to how tall we can get in our current form, and we’re probably almost there. Unless we also evolve skeletal structures. Or move to another, lower-gravity planet. Or get Wolverine-style metal implanted in our bones. In which case all this goes out the window. -Dr. Scientist

]]> http://www.manolith.com/2010/01/27/ask-dr-scientist-will-humans-ever-get-as-tall-as-avatars/feed/ 0 http://cache.static.tsavo.com/wordpress/uploads/2010/01/tall-avatar-sm.jpg http://www.manolith.com/2010/01/22/crashing-an-orgo-final/ http://www.manolith.com/2010/01/22/crashing-an-orgo-final/#comments Fri, 22 Jan 2010 18:45:42 +0000 Paul J http://www.manolith.com/?p=50536 This is the story of how a college buddy of mine and I once crashed an organic chemistry final. No, not a frat party, or a sorority car-wash fundraiser — an organic chemistry final. Yes, I was strange back then, too.

I was a film major in college. On top of that, I’ve always hated chemistry, once cheated my way through a horrible chemistry class in high school, and still nearly failed it. So Organic Chemistry was (and is) like kryptonite to me. As for an Organic Chemistry class in Northwestern’s Tech Program, well, that’s like an ice cube flying into a furnace in Hell.

Nonetheless, a fellow non-Chemer by the name of Peter Johnson (I have to give Peter credit because this was his idea), drunkenly decided one night during finals week that we were going to crash an Orgo final at 8 a.m. the next morning. At the time I figured Peter would be hungover and forget about it, but there he was on my doorstep at 7:45 the next morning, and off we went, slogging through Chicago snow to the Tech building on the North campus.

When we walked into the auditorium, about a hundred pre-meds and engineers were already in their seats, nervously clicking their mechanical pencils in anticipation of what was rumored to be one of the hardest finals on campus. Shrugging, Peter and I moved to opposite sides of the room to avoid arousing suspicion, and sat down as the TAs passed out the tests.

As I mentioned, Chemistry is not exactly my strong suit. I don’t really even know how to balance a chemical equation, except that it somehow involves coefficients. So this test was like a foreign language to me. I didn’t even know what format the answers were supposed to be in. Did they want a number? An element name? Some kind of picture? The capital of Sweden? I did the best I could. I listed long numbers and put the units as “green bananas.” I wrote down as many synonyms for the verb “to vomit” as I could think of. I answered questions in French. For one question about the decay of a hydrogen atom, I drew a six-frame cartoon panel of a hydrogen particle turning into the Hindenburg and then blowing up. Across the room, Peter was doing the same; he answered a question about carbon molecule division by drawing a picture of a two-headed turtle, each head with a thought-bubble, one saying “I’m hungry” and the other saying “I’m not.”

Things went on this way for about fifty minutes of the ninety-minute test, at which point we decided we’d been there long enough. Simultaneously, and to the shock of about a hundred frantically-scribbling pre-meds and engineers, Peter and I got up, walked to the front of the room, handed in our tests, looked at each other in a “Hey man, are you done too?” sort of way, and then proceeded to high-five each other and run yelling out the emergency exit. According to later accounts, the room stared in horror after us for a moment (because who finishes an Orgo final forty minutes early?), until the teacher sprinted up to the front, looked at our tests, and announced “Don’t worry, everybody! These aren’t real tests!” The class erupted into laughter, as we made our escape through the bowels of Tech and back to our beds.

Although a few of our engineering friends recognized us, the Chemistry department never discovered the identity of the two mystery crashers, for we had put our names down as Romancio SirTasty Maxibillion and Nutty McDinglebutters. But legend has it that Romancio and Nutty received two of the lowest scores ever to be turned in on an Orgo final.

Now, I’m not saying these are for sure the biggest Slip ‘N Slides ever made … but they might be.

Roof Slide

This is what happens when you’re young, industrious, and have WAY too much time on your hands.

Long Way Down

Maybe not the most jump-laden, back-breaking, legal-liability-incurring ride on here, but you have to admit this is one big-ass slip ‘n slide. I also like that it doesn’t go anywhere in particular, except into the grass.

Healthy Girl Wipeout

This one’s on the list not so much for the slide, but rather for this rather robust girl’s epic launch off of it. Damn you Break, for making me think this is funny.

Mega Sand Dune Slip ‘n Slide

No video for this one, but just look at it. I want to go to there.

Roof Slide 2

An improvement on the above roof slide video, only this time, the kids’ parents were out of town and didn’t give them permission. Thus, the increased “terrible idea” factor.

Cabin Hill Slide

I really wish I would’ve had this up at my cabin when I was little. Maybe then I wouldn’t have killed so many toads with firecrackers.

Slip ‘n Die

Made by some TV company, I think. Probably the most neck-snapping, brain-concussing, ill-advised one on here.

Boat-Pulled Slip ‘n Jump

I think what really sells this is that it’s not enough just to go down a giant slip ‘n slide and go off a jump: for this one, you need to be pulled by a motor boat. Watch the guy’s inflatable board just go flying.

The Super Jump

I’m about 99% sure this is fake, but nonetheless fun to watch.

A couple honorable mentions I couldn’t find videos for, but would have traded a youth’s worth of allowance to be able to play with …

What city is this, and when can I move there?

Why does this need to be propped up on cement blocks? Because it can be, my friend. Because it can be.

I’m obsessed with Monster Ballads right now. As I write this I’m listening to “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” a classic Monster Ballad. I’m even obsessed with the term Monster Ballad — I just want to say it a bunch of times in a row. But I’ll refrain, because I’m running a classy show here.

Now, there are some different interpretations of what exactly constitutes a “Monster Ballad,” and I’m sure I’ll get a few angry comments from people who disagree (this IS the Internet after all), but what follows is my personally accepted definition. The Monster Ballad, also known as the Power Ballad, was a genre of rock song spawned in the age of hard-rocking Hair Bands (a term I like almost much as Monster Ballad) like Poison, Def Leopard and Journey. Every once in a while, because their record company forced them to, or because they were attempting to make a Top 40 hit, bands like these would mix things up a bit and do a slower song about more sentimental subjects than their usual topics of hedonism and drug use.

Monster Ballads usually contain several of the following characteristics:

• They generally start with a softer instrument than the usual hard electric guitar, like a piano or an acoustic guitar.
• Throughout the song, there is typically a significantly lower level of overall rocking.
• The songs tend to be longer, and have more tempo changes.
• However, the bands still have huge hair and do rock hard during at least 50% of the song, once it gets warmed up.

The best part about Monster Ballads is that occasionally, the Hair Band involved becomes convinced that it’s actually doing something meaningful. And that’s when things turn awesome. Carried away by its own histrionic momentum, the song gets longer and longer, the shift between soft-beginning and hard-rocking chorus becomes more pronounced, and the lyrics start to stray into subjects utterly inappropriate for Hair Bands, like true love, the meaning of life, and the nature of man. The greatest part is that the Hair Bands have no idea that they’ve gone too far; they’re just so caught up in the epic-ness of their Monster Ballad.

Hair Bands are not the only ones guilty of songs like this. Other bands can go overboard as well, with the same result. And it’s these songs I’m especially obsessed with right now. So much so, that I’m declaring a new genre: The Monster-Epic.

Monster Epics are much like Monster Ballads, except they go a little further:

• A Monster Epic should be at least five-minutes in length, or as close to it as possible. The longer the song is, the more epic it is.
• The title of a Monster Epic should also be long, and feel free to use as much punctuation as it likes, for example “How Do You Talk To An Angel?” Like the song itself, it doesn’t matter how ridiculously long the title is, because the whole thing’s just so goddamn epic.
• The slow parts of a Monster Epic should be as slow and soft as possible; the hard parts should rock as hard as possible. That way the full range of human emotion is covered.
• There should be many instruments involved in a Monster Epic, and, if possible, a background choir. No expense should be spared to convey the awesomeness of the song.
• The best Monster Epics involve a lead singer who, convinced of the earth-moving meaning of his lyrics, nearly breaks down in sobs at some point during the song. The lyrics are, of course, NOT earth-moving, but the lead singer should be convinced that they are.The most important characteristic of a Monster Epic is that, from the emotive performance of the song, you can tell that whoever wrote the song knows, with utter certainly, that this is the greatest song that has ever been written, or will ever be written. The fact that the song’s eight minutes long, incorporates a full orchestra and has nine tempo changes — none of these things matter, because it’s just so awesome. And the band knows this. For a fact.

Based on these characteristics, I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of the top ten Monster Epics I know of, all of which have been playing on my computer while I write this. If possible, I highly recommend you download these songs yourself and listen to them as you read about each one. You will be weeping and laughing simultaneously.

#10 – REO Speedwagon – “Keep On Loving You”

Good song, a little short, and never rocks quite as hard as some of the others — and, of course, REO Speedwagon isn’t really a heavy-metal band — but c’mon. Just look at that hair.

#9 – The Heights – “How Do You Talk To An Angel?”

This songs gains a lot of points for having a saxophone in it. Gotta love the choir at the end too.

#8 – Poison – “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”

The first thing you hear in this song is Bret Michaels sighing. Great start. And through the entire thing, you kind of feel like he might break into tears at any moment. If only “Every Rose” could get past its slow, swaggering pace and rock out in a couple places, it could really be a contender.

#7 – Firehouse – “Love of a Lifetime”

Only Firehouse could sing the clichéd lyrics “I’ve Finally Found the Love… of a Lifetime” and really mean it.

#6 – Poison – “Something to Believe In”

Now we’re really starting to rock, yet Poison still remembered to put the slow piano opening at the beginning. Ridiculously slow. “Something to Believe In” also does the great Monster Epic thing where it dies out to piano again at the end, as if to suggest that a band like Poison were capable of doing something poetic like “coming full-circle.”

#5 – Guns ‘N Roses – “November Rain”

November Rain makes it halfway up this list for sheer length, clocking in at a marathon eight minutes, fifty-seven seconds. I heard they had to wrestle Slash’s guitar away from him just to keep it in single digits. Also gotta love the thunder sound effects.

#4 – The Scorpions – “The Winds of Change”

The Scorpions and “The Winds of Change” will always have a special place in my heart ever since Sam and I put them in a movie we wrote. A ballad that will have you whistling all the way down to Gorky Park, “Winds of Change” is a perfect example of the 90-second drum kick-in after the slow start. The second guy scream-echoing the lyrics during the later refrains is also something we couldn’t help but put in the movie.

#3 – Night Ranger – “Sister Christian”

Sister Christian has such a slow, soothing piano opening, you almost think you’re listening to Billy Joel or something. But is Night Ranger worried about being perceived as weak? Fuck no. Because they know how hard they’re about to rock. This song has a perfect build-up that starts at 49 seconds and kicks in exactly at one minute, and the song is exactly 5 minutes long, dying back down to just piano at the end. If there was a book how to write a Monster Epic (and there should be), Night Ranger would author it.

#2 – Whitesnake – “Here I Go Again On My Own”

No Monster Epic band rocks as hard as Whitesnake. And there is no more audacious, meaty guitar solo than the one in this song. I’m not sure if the eventual fade out takes something away, or if it just means that Whitesnake doesn’t know how to stop rocking once they’ve started.

#1 – Meatloaf – “I Would Do Anything For Love”

OK, I’m sure I’ll take some flack for this one, since Meatloaf is far from a Hair Band. But as I said, Monster Epics can be crafted by anyone as long as they’re delusional enough, and no song out there is more crammed full of “I’m the greatest musician who has ever lived and this is the greatest song that has ever been written” than this one. “I Would Do Anything For Love” has a full orchestra in it. There are wind sound effects. The song absolutely explodes at one minute. There are about thirty tempo changes, and a full choir serving no other purpose than to go “Oooooooo,” and then “Aaaaaaaa” behind Meatloaf during certain parts. And I’m not sure if you’ve listened, but the lyrics basically don’t make any sense, and yet Meatloaf is almost crying during every line of the song. Seriously, just listen to this song and try to tell me that Meatloaf doesn’t think it’s the greatest musical accomplishment the world has ever seen. He might be the only one.

I wandered into Robbins’ Brothers the other day, with the ill-conceived idea that I would pick out something nice for my girlfriend for our anniversary (I now know the only correct way to pick out jewelry for a woman is to have one of her close friends or sisters do it for you, and completely ignore any input you have on the matter.  Thankfully I learned this lesson in time before picking out a tacky broach shaped like a butterfly for $300.)  Perhaps it was the fraternity t-shirt I was wearing, or maybe the sweatpants and flip-flops, or uncombed hair, or some combination of all three, but the salesman gave me sort of an odd look.

“I’m interested in looking at a piece for my girlfriend,” I said, being careful to annunciation each word, to help dispel his obvious suspicion that I was there to rob the place.  “What price point would you recommend?”

“Well, it depends,” said the salesman, his gaze up and down my attire communicating that he had not yet been convinced by my sophisticated character and cosmopolitan charm.  “What did you do?”

And thus, an important lesson in why guys in sweatpants are usually buying jewelry.

Forgive me for a moment, while I ruminate on something I’ve always wondered about.

Mules. They’re sturdy, they’re reliable, they’re co-stars with Juan Valdez in coffee commercials. But they’re sterile. Mules do not beget mules, in fact, mules do not even naturally exist in nature, because of a twisted fact that many people know: mules are what happens when a horse mates with a donkey. The mule is a genetic experiment that actually worked out to some good, unlike certain other ill-conceived hybrids like broccoflower, crystal clear Pepsi, and Christian Rock.

But the phenomenon of the mule raises one very concerning question. The fact is, that of the mule’s two parents, the horse is clearly a much more attractive animal than the donkey. So just how do they get this to work? If you were a horse, would you mate with a donkey? I certainly wouldn’t. What kind of unlucky horse gets that job? You could be racing in the Kentucky Derby. You could be starring in an Anheuser-Busch commercial. You could at least be getting ridden around by a cop in Canada. But no, you have to bang donkeys.

Is the horse the father? If so, do they have to get him drunk beforehand? Maybe riding a donkey is what’s left after you strike out with the phillies at the horse bars. Still, I’d rather head to Taco Bell and call it a night than have to go and plow a donkey. Maybe they put a bag over the donkey’s head?

Is the horse the mother? If so, what kind of self-respecting female horse allows herself to get rammed by a donkey? He better be extremely charming, or rich, or funny or something; otherwise, you just gotta feel like a real whorse (sorry) after letting that happen. Maybe she closes her eyes and imagines it’s Mr. Ed?

Maybe it’s artificial insemination? If so, the person with that job has an even rawer deal than the horse who has to pork a donkey. I’ve heard such things exist, though; perhaps if you were unfortunate enough to be in this line of work, you could at least sell your story as a sequel to the movie “The Horse Whisperer,” entitled “The Horse Jerker.”

I’m sure it would be Oscar material.

I’m not alone. LA is probably the most sung-about town ever (probably because so many musicians and wannabe-musicians live here), and a good chunk of these songs ain’t positive. Many of them in fact are quite scathing — more so, even, than I could ever be. Below are 15 of the most acerbic musical middle-fingers to Los Angeles ever recorded. I have them all on a playlist in my iTunes.

In LA, you can die from earthquake or drive-by; tsunami or suicide. When the wildfires flare while the Santa Ana winds are in season, gusts literally blow fires around from place to place. Yet nobody seems to care unless it’s their house that’s burning. It’s times like these that the City of Angels seems somehow less angelic. And it’s times like these when I pop in this mix.

1) “Why You’d Want To Live Here” – Deathcab For Cutie

Key Lyrics
“It’s a lovely summer’s day
I can almost see a skyline through a thickening shroud of egos
Is this the city of angels or demons?”

This was the first song that I heard that really got me thinking, “Wow, people must really hate this city, so make an entire song that’s just about not wanting to live there.”

2) “City of Devils” – Yellowcard

“Boy, you gotta love someone more than yourself
I can feel the fire of the city lights burn
And it’s hard to find Angels in Hell “

During and after their brief residency in LA, Yellowcard took out their disdain for the town subtley and not-so-subtley over the course of a few different albums. Unlike some other bands, however, Yellowcard actually backed it up by getting the hell out of town after a few years.

3) “To Live & Die in LA” – Wang Chung

“I wonder why we waste our lives here
When we could run away to paradise
But I am held in some invisible vice
And I can’t get away
To live and die in LA “

Yes, even the band best known for the happy-go-lucky “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” gets in on the fight when it comes to bashing LA.

4) “Beverly Hills” – Circle Jerks

“Beverly Hills, century city
everything’s so nice and pretty
all the people look the same
don’t they know they’re so damn lame “

Nope, not the “Beverly Hills” by Weezer, although that’s another nice little sarcastic jab at a city so pretentious that it voted to separate from the already pretentious Los Angeles, despite being completely surrounded by it.

5) “Forgotten (Lost Angels)” – Lamb of God

“This is a mean and cold town
I hate this fucking place
Watch the rats as they all drown
Dying slowly day by day “

Admittedly, this song is such heavy death-metal that it’s nearly impossible to tell what the lyrics are talking about, but if you look them up, this is it.

6) “Pretty Handsome Awkward” – The Used

“Your dream vacation, smile hostage refuge
A work in progress, you bleed
Your market value, your resurrection
Your shallow concept
Help yourself, I hope you choke and you die. “

7) “Can’t Take This Town” – Colin Hay

“There’s a woman in the mirror, fixing her lips
There’s a man in the bathroom, looking for tips
I park the car, and no-one to pay
And one pizza later, it’s towed away “

“The City With Two Faces” – Goldfinger

“If I was smart I’d run fast
(out of this town)
Sometimes I want to shout and scream
(Fuck L.A.) “

9) “Dead Loss Angeles” – The Stranglers

“The plastic peaches there
On concrete beaches there
You see the leaches there
They’re soft marshmallow there
It’s oh so shallow there
In Dead Loss Angeles “

10) “Goodbye Hollywood Lyrics” – Richard Marx

“Born and raised in the windy city
I moved west to kick start a dream
What I found was a town without pity
It will chew you up and swallow you clean”

11) “Hating Hollywood” – Theory of a Deadman

“(I’m hating Hollywood)
I was wasting away just waiting for the phone to ring
(I’m hating Hollywood)
So I became a cautious star (??) with a suicide ending
(I’m hating Hollywood) “

12) “Hell Looks a Lot Like L.A.” – Less Than Jake

“Another fast food job?
Another 8 to 5 day?
Ten minutes and two miles is just a mile too many today
and you can see why it’s easy to say
y’know that hell looks a lot like L.A. “

13) “Hollywood Cemetary” – Strike Anywhere

“…too many tithed into the shooting star
trading their lives in for the glamour of tar
When I found out all my heroes are just parasites. “

The last line of this song is simply “Fuck you.” You can’t argue with that kind of directness.

14) “The World Began in Eden & Ended in Los Angeles” – Phil Ochs

I think the title pretty much covers it.

15) “Aenema” – Tool

“…this hopeless fucking hole we call LA.
The only way fix it is to flush it all away
Any fucking time, any fucking day
Learn to swim; see you down in Arizona Bay”

No “hating on LA mix” could be complete without Tool’s epic rant, which doesn’t stop at mere complaining, but instead follows through to the conclusion that the only solution is for Los Angeles to break off and fall into the ocean. Besides, it’s by Tool, simultaneously perhaps the world’s most eloquent and angriest band.

Seann made this discovery through a stroke of random luck as he sat frustrated after fussing with the machine for hours. It really make me miss the old days of mechanical-based video game systems, where solutions for fixing them include blowing into the cartridges, using Q-tips, and smacking the machine, instead of having to download hacks and dealing with bs customer support. Well, I suppose smacking the machine will always be a solution.

Apparently Old Style is the only kind of beer that works for Verde’s Nintendo — perhaps it’s the weight, or the kind of metal in the can.

But I like to think it’s the smooth blend of choice hops and rich, premium barley.

Among the inane topics that came up visiting home this weekend was the subject of practical jokes. Thankfully, none were played: it would have been a bummer to endure the holidays with my head super-glued to a pillow. But the inspiration of my high school cronies gave me an excuse to catalog a few of the better practical jokes and pranks I’ve heard of / participated in. So here you go, in Top Ten List style:

#10 – The Garbage Can Full of Dirty Water Leaning Against the Door

It’s pretty much what it sounds like — you fill a garbage bin (the bigger the better) full of filthy water (and/or urine) and lean it up against the outside of someone’s dorm room or bedroom door. When they open their door (it only works for doors opening into the room), they get 30 gallons of sludgy liquid all over their feet/carpet. Some freshmen attempted to do this to me in my old fraternity days, but fortunately for them their balance was off, and the can tipped back up and righted itself in the middle of the night.
Clean-up Factor: 4; Hilarity Factor: 3

#9 – The Identical Computer Desktop Background

Step 1) Get onto someone’s computer when they’re not around and screen-capture their desktop.

Step 2) Save this image onto their computer somewhere they won’t find it, then set this image as their desktop background.

Step 3) They won’t notice the difference at first, because everything will look like it did before. That is, until they start trying to move icons around on their desktop and find that there’s a non-movable duplicate-image stuck beneath it (part of the background), that can’t be altered or deleted no matter how much they try. Watch their head explode as they try to figure out what the hell’s wrong with their computer. My friend Sean did this to his friend Kristian, who spent an hour on the phone with tech support until Sean finally told him what the problem with his computer was.

#8 – The Upper Decker, or the Dry Dock

Greg claims this to be the perfect revenge when you’re at someone’s party and they’re mean to you. Simply use their bathroom and let one loose, not in the regular toilet bowl, but in the toilet tank up back (the Upper Deck). Just remove the lid, make your deposit, replace the lid, and bolt. Your housewarming present will never get flushed down, and will continue to stink and not be found until a plumber discovers it in 4-6 weeks. See, I told you poop-jokes are still funny.

A variation of this is the Dry Dock, which is achieved by disconnecting the water supply to the toilet bowl, then pinching a loaf directly onto the porcelain of the now-empty bowl. My brothers and I almost did this on the last day of a cruise to avenge ourselves on the unfriendly house staff, but eventually decided the turd we left was unconstitutional. That is, it was so horrendously and unfairly foul that it actually violated the Constitution, on the basis of being cruel and unusual punishment. Too cruel to even inflict on someone who’d confiscated a quarter of our smuggled Vodka supply.
Clean-up Factor: 6/1; Hilarity Factor: 6

#7 – The Chicken Shower

I’ve never heard of anyone actually doing this, but apparently if you unscrew a shower head and cram in a couple of chicken bouillon cubes, the next person in there will get a nice shower of chicken broth. Yummy. A variation involves cramming the shower head with red Kool-Aid powder, which tends to stain.
Clean-up Factor: 3; Hilarity Factor: 6

#6 – The Tire Removal From a Parked Car

Self-explanatory. One of Greg’s friends says they did this to some guy in college, then sent him on a treasure hunt to find his tires. Special note: Adding a treasure hunt to the end of any prank to make the person find whatever it is that’s missing automatically adds two Hilarity Points.
Clean-up Factor: 6; Hilarity Factor: 7

#5 – The “Tons-of-Messy-Shit-in-Somebody’s-Room”

My roommate Gabe did this to fellow roommate Sam with packing peanuts when he left for winter break a couple years ago, and another friend Pat had his room coated with flour when he went away for a weekend once in college. Really anything messy can work – other suggestions might include sand, cereal, or sugar (more expensive, but well worth it for the ensuing ant-problem).
Clean-up Factor: 9; Hilarity Factor: 4

#4 – The Fish Hunt

If someone hadn’t squealed this one and ruined it, we would have pulled this off for our freshman prank on the fraternity in college. You hide a raw fish (or something else that will rot) in every guy’s room in the house, preferably over spring break. So when they return, there’s a rotting fish somewhere in their room… if they can find it. A friend Jim said he once carried out a variation of this involving shellfish, at least one of which was screwed into a computer tower, never to be found, even to this day.
Clean-up Factor: 7; Hilarity Factor: 8

#3 – The Christmas Tree Sale

A variation on the “tons-of-messy-shit-in-somebody’s-room” is the “cram-somebody’s-room-full-of-shit.” Jim and a few buddies once crammed a guy’s room full of eighteen dead Christmas trees, which not only filled the room, but also dropped roughly 6,000,000,000 dead pine needles all over the place. A legendary version of this I heard about took place at MIT where a couple guys disassembled a car over spring break and reassembled it in a guys’ 5th floor fraternity room. The car even ran! It just couldn’t get out the door.
Clean-up Factor: 9; Hilarity Factor: 8

#2 – The Ass-on-Stuff Photo Montage

An older guy in college did this as his freshman prank a couple year before I got there. Basically, he took pictures of himself putting his ass on different pieces of other guys’ property, such as keyboards, hats, and tooth brushes, then mailed them the pictures — after a couple weeks of them using the stuff had gone by. Imagine using your toothbrush for two weeks and then receiving a back-dated photo of some dude putting his ass on it.
Clean-up Factor: NA; Hilarity Factor: 9

#1 – The Pig Race

In what I think is the greatest prank I’ve ever heard, Greg’s Dad once brought two 200-lb pigs into his high school, coated them in Vaseline, painted a big racing number “1″ on the side of one pig, and a big number “3″ on the other. Then he let the panicked pigs loose during lunch. You can image the chaos that ensued. When the janitors finally caught the pigs (not an easy task, considering the Vaseline), they then spent the next two days scouring the school… looking for Pig #2.
Clean-up Factor: 10; Hilarity Factor: 10

Any coincidence that half of these are frat-related?

An ad for USA’s new show, “White Collar”. On my shirt, which also has a white collar. Get it? Get it?

Good god, product placement has officially hit “Pepsi Cola presents the Ford Motor Company singing of the McDonald’s National Anthem”.

Who’s going to see this? Me, for two seconds as I take my shirts home and then throw away the bag? The one other customer who might walk into this tiny store as my clothes are hanging there? The dry-cleaning lady, who has to hang up about 10,000 of these a day and thus probably now hates USA and anything associated with it?

It almost makes me wish we could go back to the pre-Tivo days where companies could just get all their ads out of the way during the 6.5 hours of daily TV we all watched, and I could go back to avoiding them by using the commercial breaks to go take a dump or making myself some delicious Orville-Redenbacher theater-style popcorn… damnit, now I’m doing it.

Instead, we have to endure the most blatant product placement imaginable, both in real life and in every show and movie. Like that scene in “Point Break” where Gary Bussey and Keanu Reeves sit around at the police station drinking Corona Lights.

Seriously. Who’s going to see this “White Collar” ad?

Or wait. You just did. All of you.

Clever bastards!

$

Water Trampoline

The only thing more awesome than a trampoline is a water trampoline, where you can do back-flips into the water, play endless games of “King of the Hill”, or jump-kick your brother off it without being grounded for two weeks after (not that I’ve ever done precisely this). I’m thirty now, and honestly the prospect of jumping on one of these bad boys gets me just as excited as it did when I was eight. If anyone in my family is reading this, I’d prefer a water trampoline with a Blob attached to it, or two blobs like in the picture, so I can recreate the amazing Blob Launch video:

$$

Human-Sized-Hamster Ball

What guy wouldn’t want one of these? Cause a nuisance on your gym’s running track, be invincible in paintball games, or have awesome races with your friends at the mall! Yes, I know, technically a Human-Sized Hamster Ball probably costs less to make than a water trampoline, material-wise, but I put the ball in the $$ column because I don’t think it’s readily available yet in the commercial market, thus harder to get, thus more expensive. In fact, the only way to acquire one, as far as I know, is to make your own, or else be a contestant on “American Gladiators”, which we all know takes years of dedicated training/being friends with one of the producers.

$$$

Pleasure Bot
Straight from Japan, we present the robo-companion of the future…

You know, a robot that does pleasurable things. Like makes you dinner. Or plays a board game with you. Pleasurable things. Why, what were you thinking?

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Beer Launching Fridge
I can’t describe this better than the video does…

Amazing. It’s like a fridge except it tosses beers to you. It’s like a catapult, except it keeps the beers cold in the meantime. Basically, it’s like a fridge, plus a really great girlfriend… except it doesn’t talk during the commercials.

$$

Jet Pack

Please tell me, why aren’t there more jet packs in circulation right now? Are they illegal? Dangerous? Expensive? So are many kinds of assault rifles, but criminals seem to have no trouble getting their hands on these. We should really be living in a world where diabolical villians are flying around in jet packs, robbing banks and such, only to be stopped by masked, ordinary-citizens-turned-vigilantes, also with jet packs. Is my imagination too wild? Tell me this wouldn’t be way more exciting than your boring life of walking to Starbucks every day.

Guy, you could be flying.

$$$

Robot Dog
OK this one’s actually of a Robot Bull, but it was the best video I could find that didn’t have like 30 seconds of commercials/boring explanation on the front end. And really, a Robot Bull is basically just a Robot Dog onto which somebody mounted horns.

What will you and your new Robotic Best Friend do together? Take long walks and pick up women and nerds. Play fetch with hurled laptops. Gore the Robotic Mailman. Oh, and he eats from batteries, so no more cleaning up doggy business.

Tomorrow: Recreational Toys!

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Flame Thrower

Every guy wants a flame thrower, with the exception of anybody who’s had one used on them (and they might still want one for revenge… unless they’re dead of course). A flame thrower has all the fun of a regular gun, plus fire! Useful in a non-violent capacity at barbecues, fireworks shows, and cleaning up your house after a massive kegger once you’ve determined it’s just easier to move.

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Pain Ray/Nausea Gun

Weapons of the past (morning stars, brass knuckles) were cool. Weapons of the present (tasers, Tomahawk cruise missiles) are even better. Weapons of the future? Good god damn.

This is a ray gun that shoots either a beam of burning sensation at your victim, or else an invisible wave that induces horrible nausea (I have to be honest, I kind of stopped paying attention to the text once I saw the picture). It also might just shoot huge flashes of light and sounds to stun your victim, like lightening in a frickin’ rifle. Like what Zeus would shoot, if he was holding this gun. Either way, it’s the tits, and my upcoming war against the Titans just got a lot more interesting.

$$$

SUV w/Gun Turret

What’s better than getting an SUV for Christmas? How about an SUV with a machine gun on it?

I like that there have always been tanks and jeeps and hummers with guns on them, but somebody said “no, that’s not enough – we need a GMC passenger truck with a gun on it, too.” Although the truck is also iron-plated and partly bullet-proof, it’s not exactly the kind of car you’d take to a place like Iraq. Which begs the question: what exactly is the purpose of this vehicle (besides being balls-out awesome of course)? I guess for subtle local missions, where you need a car that just looks like an SUV, but then BAM! There’s a Gatling gun coming out the roof. What these missions are about gets me just as excited as the product itself.

Tomorrow: Sweet Gadgets!

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#1: Giant Mousetrap

What can you do with a giant mousetrap? Um… what CAN’T you do? Play a trick on a buddy. Defend your house from burglars. Catch an army guy with a Heineken, which is apparently what’s happening here. Or trap a giant mouse, if you happen to live in a post-apocalyptic, mutant-rodent-infested hell-zone.

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#2: Giant Food Items
And no, I’m not talking king size regular food items, like the Snickers bars that cost a dollar or that hamburger that weighs three pounds that you win a medal for if you can eat it without barfing. I’m talking ridiculous, impractical, totally wasteful food items. Like this giant marshmallow. Or this giant chocolate igloo.

Put these together with a giant graham cracker and you’ve got yourself a giant s’more, possible the greatest food ever. Giant food items like these really define the motto of guys everywhere: “Why NOT do it?” And while you’re doing it, why not bury yourself inside and try to eat your way out?

$$$

#3: A Dinosaur

Unfortunately, yes, I realize dinosaurs are extinct (or else different dinosaur pets would just be all twelve items on this list). But at least someone could give you a giant dinosaur statue (assuming a giant dinosaur robot is not available, since they also don’t exist, outside of the Dino-bots in Transformers, which I swear to God had better be in the third movie or I’m out of here). You can curl up on it and sleep. You can put it outside your house to scare off Jehovah’s Witnesses. You can put it in your backyard and let is sit there, rocking out in its own awesomeness. Really, name me one place you could put a giant dinosaur statue that wouldn’t be ten times better that way? And don’t say church, because really (really) think about that.

Next: Weapons!

Earth Wind & Flour” is a pizza joint near my house in Santa Monica. Their calzones are mediocre; their name… amazing.

Here are a baker’s dozen of the most brilliant pun-based store-names from around the English-speaking world. A few of these I took myself; several others I was introduced to by this site, which definitely deserves a look if you’re still hungry for more.

I always thought of fries as being the official food of savage human nature.

Managed by the Asian Steven Tyler.

I love this.

Thai cuisine that goes down easy.

If you don’t get it, it’s making fun of you.

This is another store by my house, in Redondo Beach, which specializes in green egg rolls and ham.

Stay young forever. You know. By eating Pitas.

I don’t know if this fish restaurant also is some kind of a dance club, but I sure hope so.

Greek food at its punniest.

Following “Common Grounds” and “It’s a Grind” as the latest in coffee-based puns.

This is a tennis store I passed in LA last week. I’m not sure if the owner actually meant the Shakespeare pun, or if he was simply looking for an old-timey way to convey that we was a dealer of tennis equipment.

This might be my favorite on the whole list.

Reminds me of a hot dog place near my college named “Mustard’s Last Stand.”

(Photos Via: Food Network Humor)

Once upon a time, there was a place called the Holy Land. This little area was special because several of the world’s biggest religions saw it as their birthplace, and as hard it is to believe today, these religions liked to fight over it. Today, these fights have sweet, multi-word names with words like “Storm” and “Freedom” in them. Back then, people just called them “Crusades”.

There were a whole bunch of Crusades during the Middle Ages, most of them between the two biggest religions of all: Christianity and Islam. For hundreds of years, Muslims had controlled the Holy Land around Jerusalem until the Christian armies of the 1st Crusade won it back, before promptly losing it again in the 2nd Crusade. There would be many other attempts to regain the Holy Land, and many more Crusades, but by far the most ridiculous of these was the 4th Crusade.

It was the year 1202, and there was this Pope named Innocent III. Despite his name, Innocent III was really hankering to kill some Muslims and win back the Holy Land, which the Christians had embarrassingly failed to do in the 3rd Crusade. His plan involved amassing a whole ass-load of knights, sailing them over to Egypt, and then watching them stomp their way up toward Jerusalem from the southwest while he watched safely from the comfort of his comfy pope chair and silly pope hat.

But there was a problem. To ship an ass-load of knights, you need an ass-load of ships, and the only city that had the capacity to cargo-ship a whole Crusade’s worth of soldiers and supplies was Venice. And Venetians didn’t do shit for free. Venetians DO, however, love making deals, so one was struck: the Crusade leaders would pay about 85,000 marks, and Venice would even throw in some more boats of its own, if they could share in the spoils. They were some enterprising mo-fo’s, those Venetians.

There was another problem. After three Crusades, some people were tired of fighting, and many of the groups were disorganized and squabbling amongst themselves. Also, many of the potential Crusaders were French, and just wanted to just wanted to sail directly from Marseilles without going to Venice first, so they could sit around eating cheese and not bathing for as long as possible. So when the “massive” crusade army showed up in Venice, it was only about a third as massive as it was supposed to be, and only had about a third of the money.

But those clever Venetians had a solution.

“OK, so you can’t pay,” said Enrico Dandolo, one particularly sneaky Venetian. “But maybe we can arrange a little deferment… if you guys can do something for us.”

“What do you want?” replied the Crusade leaders, already suspecting that this particular Crusade was not off to a wonderful start.

“Well, see, there’s this little city down the coast, called Zara. They’re been rebelling a little, back-talking us, and so on… Tell you what. You guys have a big army. We’ll defer your payment until later if we can stop and sack Zara on the way.”

“I don’t think the Pope’s going to like that very much. Zara’s a Christian city.”

“Well maybe ‘the Pope’ doesn’t need to know about it,” said Dandolo, touching his finger to the end of his nose.

What could the Crusade leaders do? The only alternative was to give up the Crusade, break their Crusading vows and return home broke and humiliated. And so off they sailed to sack Zara, which didn’t take too long considering it was just one little city and it was being attacked by two-thirds of an entire Crusade.

The Pope, of course, did find out, and excommunicated the whole bunch. And so, 1,500 miles from the Holy Land, the 4th Crusade was doing great.

Meanwhile, 500 miles west in a little down called Constantinople (not Istanbul), the former ruler Isaac II Angelus had been deposed, blinded and Imprisoned by his brother, who ruled as Alexius III (because that kind of shit went on all the time back in the Middle ages). Isaac’s son, who preferred his eyeballs intact, fled the city, and by miraculous coincidence (or perhaps masterminded treachery) ended up in Zara as the Crusaders were finishing slapping everybody around.

“Hey Crusaders!” Little Isaac probably yelled as he ran up to the army, because that’s what I would have called them if I was alive back then. “If you guys go to Constantinople with me and help put me back on the throne, I’ll take care of the rest of your debt, return the Eastern Orthodox Church there to the Pope’s control, and you can do a little plundering too!” Well, Dandolo and the Venetians liked the idea of getting their money back (and the idea of spreading their greedy influence, which may have actually been the whole motivation behind the plan all along), the Crusaders liked the idea of spreading Christianity and funding further conquests, and everybody liked the idea of a little plundering, so off they all went to Constantinople, which was not at all on the way to the Holy Land.

After all, the Crusader figured “Why not? We’re already excommunicated; might as well do some raping and plundering.”

Well, Alexius III took one look at the invading Crusade fleet and got the hell out of dodge (though not before making off with a bunch of treasure), and the people of Constantinople let blind old Isaac Sr. out of prison and made him co-emperor along with Isaac Jr., who ruled as Alexius IV. But of course people didn’t like Alexius IV, who first of all had been put into power by greasy Latin invaders and second of all taxed the shit out of them in order to afford gifts to give to all the nobles, to regain their favor. This also meant that Alexius didn’t have enough money to repay the Crusaders, who waited around to get paid and pissed everybody off even more by running up a ginormous tab at the local bar. Oh, and they also burned down a local Mosque just for fun, which spread and subsequently burned down a quarter of the city.

Enter Alexius Murzuphlus, who led the anti-Latin group, called himself Alexius V, had Alexius IV killed (because that kind of shit went on all the time back in the Middle ages), put Isaac Sr. back in prison where he soon died, and fortified Constantinople’s defenses against the Latins. By this time, the Crusaders were getting pretty sick of hanging out all the way up in Byzantium, the guy who had brought them here was dead, and they still hadn’t conquered a single Muslim thing (except that Mosque that they burned down). So they decided it would be easiest of they just conquered Constantinople, installed a Latin as king, and used Constantinople’s empire and it’s resources to finally, finally, go to Egypt. And so they invaded again, though this time they were less polite about the sacking, because now it was just about conquest. Things actually got pretty out of hand, and the Crusaders sacked, plundered and burned the shit out of Constantinople – another Christian city – and it was never the same again.

And then, the 4th Crusade just sort of petered out. It had been two years since they started, the Crusaders were just as far from the Holy Land as they’d started, and the forces were smaller now. Some stayed in Byzantium to claim land, and everyone else went home to “recharge” for a bit before heading to the Holy Land, “a bit” turned into “a while.” And so, a Crusade that was originally intended to conquer Muslim Egypt and reclaim the Holy Land ended up conquering two Christian cities nowhere near where Jesus was born, and helped forever break the link between the Eastern and Western churches.

But at least Pope Innocent – having temporarily won back religious control of Constantinople and thus forgiven everybody – was happy. And there was much rejoicing.