Popular recording artists “Vampire Weekend” have released an album called Contra, and in one of their songs (“I Think Ur A Contra”) they pose an argument. It’s a simple song, with a simple message. Vampire Weekend thinks that you and your friends are indeed Contras. But what is a Contra? Let us discuss.

YOU ARE AN ANTI-SANDANISTAN NICARAGUAN POLITICAL FACTION.

Reagan funded you, and thusly you flourished with new weapons. Soon, though, this scandal broke free and many became aware of your dabbling with the American presidency. Thankfully, history has swept this under the rug.

YOU ARE A VIDEO GAME OR COMIC BOOK.

Contra Alliance and Contra: You always go from left to right and thusly have no political compass as such. Shockingly, you fire upon EVERYONE and EVERYTHING and receive a goddamn BONUS for your work at the end of the day. Is there no END to your insanity? Why don’t you blink? Why must you destroy? Why don’t you love? Can you not experience love like a human being? What is your problem? Why must you be the way you are?

YOU ARE A SMALL TOWN IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

With the last name of “Costa.”

If you are not one of these things, it is also possible that Vampire Weekend is WRONG.

As some of you may know, Dominos has changed its recipe. This might seem like a good, natural, normal thing to do. Especially when one’s pizza was “sub par” before. More to the point, the pizza was so bad that men would throw themselves into oncoming traffic just to escape it. It was terrible. Nobody liked it. The cheese not so much “tasted” as it did “gesticulate,” the crust was harder than a Chinese math problem. It was: The Worst Pizza The World Has Ever Seen. The pepperoni was sliced with rusty knives sharpened on the gums of an evil witch and the sausage was cast from the bowels of the Devil himself. The green peppers were conjured up and laced with words cut out of Mark David Chapman’s copy of “Catcher In The Rye.” The tomato sauce was pure hate, seasoned with garlic. If this pizza had a Mother, the Mother would not acknowledge it. If a friend saw this pizza in the street homeless he would walk right by the pizza, that’s how terrible it was.

So with this new recipe, Dominos has changed the pizza into a magical wonderland of taste! Angels call from the heavens when you bite in, and upon first bite, the first three seconds of The Simpsons theme song plays–followed by David Caruso putting on a pair of sunglasses and the “YEAAAAAAAAAAH” part from CSI Miami. It’s true. It totally happens. What’s more, feed some to your dog. He will become a giant crime solving dog with a penchant for “snacks,” with the ability to eat an entire gigantic sandwich with one bite, with a severe speech impediment making him say “R” at the beginning of many words. But the dog will talk. And this is what he’ll say:

“Rominos Rizza is Rerricious!” spake your hound, gorged on the future food that is the new Dominos pizza.

Anyway. Zooey Deschanel — best known for being super cute, super awesome, and super married — is going to be in a series about a (very nice) promiscuous woman, Ms. Pamela De Barre. Y’see, Pamela wrote a tell-all book about being a groupie in the ’60s and ’70s and it’s being made into a PILOT that will probably get PICKED UP because if you’re the kind of guy that wears scarves indoors and has even a passing knowledge of The Smiths you’ll probably get, I don’t know, about half a million hard-ons by the time you finish this sentence: Zooey Deschanel will be playing a promiscuous lady.

Look, I know this sounds all “gossip rag” — with me saying “oh boy, readers!” and the like — but I’d imagine this is a huge turn in Zooey’s ouerve, if you will. She’s gone from playing squeaky clean and quirky to playing, um, squeaky clean and quirky to, uhh — let’s not forget 500 Days Of Summer where she plays, um, a super clean and quirky total bitch who fucks over the other guy in the movie whose name I forget because he reminds me far too much of myself, uh. Man that movie. I swear to God, were they following me around? I digress.

As is with most things in Hollywood, the pilot will probably get picked up and be made into a series that I’d imagine wouldn’t be shooting until Summer (OMG SUMMER). So there we have it.

(Image Source)

1. I heard about him on an mp3 blog, of all things. Someone posted some stand up of his based on the popular singer M.I.A. and his crush on her. I thought it was pretty funny. Nobody really tells indie-music jokes. I made a note.
2. Couple of months later, he pops up on my radar in a sketch about a guy working at a record store. More indie music nerd jokes.
3. He appears in the MTV sketch show “Human Giant,” which was pretty good, although I can’t say I watched more than three episodes of it.
4. I randomly saw him do stand-up at the Hollywood Improv. He tells a joke about text messages that I remember at parties and tell people.
5. Here’s where it gets crazy. He gets a part in the Judd Apatow movie “Funny People,” playing a loudmouth comedian named “Raaaaaaaandy” who skewers the whole Def Jam Comedy act, and performs with a DJ on stage. He’s in the movie for about three minutes total, although he’s one of the more memorable parts.
6. He gets the part on “Parks & Rec.”
7. He appears in GQ in a fashion spread.
8. He puts out this comedy album “Intimate Moments For A Sensual Evening.”

I tell you all this because watching him at the Hollywood Improv, he was nervous and skittish, unsure of his jokes. Watching his new comedy album / DVD — he uses the same joke about text messages, but seems to be infinitely more confident — if anything — like his character ‘Raaaaaaandy’ in the movie Funny People. It’s a lot like going to, say, a Nirvana show in 1991 and hearing them play Sheila E. songs.

My point is this. Has Aziz become Raaaaaaaandy? Gone are the indie nerd jokes, and instead is the in your face jokes that Raaaaaandy would tell, albeit with a GQ cut suit and a little more than a nod to the fact that barely 18 months ago he was performing onstage in a hoodie and jeans talking about being too nervous to talk to girls at bars. Or something. To be honest, his set at the Improv wasn’t that memorable. The thing is that he’s using the same and similar jokes to that set, they’re just turned up to 10. This works for Aziz Ansari, I just find it extremely interesting that he assimilated his most popular character into his act.

(Image Source)

Who doesn’t like The Outback? Most likely thieves and ne’er-do-wells, I reckon. One time, I saw a boy enter an Outback Steakhouse and he left a man — THE SAME DAY. I about jumped on my cap I was so flummoxed. The doors are made of the most solid oak money can buy and the beers are poured from the teats of angels, brought to you in goblets kept clean by the breath of a chanteuse, and brought to you by a cloud of baby laughter that arrives at your table. The cloud of baby laughter shall be your server and shall next bring you delicious bread made fresh especially for you by our bread artisans who toil day and night studying your star charts for just the right bread for your own self, dear reader. Furthermore the knife they give to you to cut the bread has been used in a ritual sacrifice!

But wait! There’s more. Order a ‘Wallaby Darned’ and wash your fears away with over 11 different kinds of alcohol. Next, order a ‘Blooming Onion’ — which could feed a family of four for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS although YOU will have one MERELY AS AN APPETIZER. It shall sit in your stomach like a dethroned king, heavy is the head that wears the crown et cetera. And then, good Sir, you shall have a fucking STEAK.

No. Fuck every other steak you’ve ever read about, eaten, or heard in passing conversation. This is more than a steak: it is a way of life. Remember the first time you heard The Beatles, or looked into your lovers eyes? This experience shall be like that ONLY BETTER — for you shall be able to eat this experience. With Lindburg-esque gusto you shall throw yourself upon this pile of sizzling meat like a feral child raised by wolverines and Liberals and you shall also smoke ten unfiltered cigarettes back to back in a plume of nicotine and fatty meat that shall incant the spirit of the late Orson Welles. Once Orson appears before you he shall ask you three questions: two of which can only be answered in other questions, the last shall be plucked at random from a recent back copy of Entertainment Weekly. “WHO IS HEATH LEDGER’S CHILD” shall bellow the ghastly paranormal visage of the late Orson Welles, or “WHAT EIGHTIES STARLET IS MARRIED TO KEVIN KLINE.” You shall know the right answer for you have been preparing for this for many years, your eyes blood red with knowledge, meat, and Fosters (Australian for Beer). Orson shall give you a magic hat upon receiving the right answer and shall disappear into a cloud of spice and cinnabun-smell and you shall be left alone in an empty Outback steakhouse. Was it all a dream?

No. It was The Outback.

Driver was a fun game back in the day and this is a gods-honest port to the iPhone, albiet with new music, which we’ll get to in a little bit. I thought that I’d be transported right back to enjoying the game, but the controls make this extremely difficult if you’ve got anywhere even close to having big hands. What’s more, the music is bland and generic and makes it all the more obvious that they’re trying to get the GTA crowd to come back around. While the original GTA had its issues, at least it wasn’t as mind-numbingly difficult as this — the first five missions alone are terribly hard to get a hang of especially if you have sausage fingers like myself. The graphics remain the same. Also: the game needs about a gig of free space to run smoothly, so if you’re stuck with an original 3G iPhone like myself you’ll have to get rid of a LOT just to have this run. It’s a great attempt, but sadly gets lost in the confusing gameplay and basic storyline.

Look out, world, there’s an interesting book coming down the pipeline you might like. It’s a collection of (true!) short stories about the world of sex, relationships, and the awkward stuff that comes in between (wakka!). It’s not only an extremely interesting idea but it’s also done by a friend-o mine, Ms Meaghan O’Connell, who is not only super adorable but also fits neatly into overhead storage compartments on airplanes (she is very tiny). Regardless, check out the video below and oh-my-gawd look forward to this book coming (wakka!) out soon (puns!).

From the editors:

“We want to produce this book because we want to read it; it’s something we’ve been looking for for a long time and haven’t found yet. Compelling writing that doesn’t skip over the interesting parts, writing that is willing to go there, to be brave and to dwell in it, the way few published authors have.

But where we did find this kind of work was online. It seems like everywhere we looked there were people, emboldened maybe by that distance of the computer monitor or the semi-anonymity of a username, drawn out by the encouragement of these little pockets of internet communities, pushing each other to report back from the thick of things, and to do it well.

The lack of good storytelling about sex in print feels ridiculous, bizarre. And now that we have on-demand publishers, Kickstarter, and an internet community of contributors and supporters and potential audience looking to fill the very same void, there is no longer any excuse.”

(Image via kickstarter.com)

Regardless, you’d be nuts to wear any of this. Unless perhaps you’re from the future, like, Evil Bill and Evil Ted from the second Bill and Ted movie. I’m wondering if you should take his clothes very seriously and actually go out and wear these things. I mean, persay you were in Boston, at a ‘how do you like dem apples’ bar, and you walked in wearing this. You’d get the shit kicked out of you. I’m just saying. Surely there must be a midpoint between crazy awesome fashion and the real world. But I digress, you should make up your own mind.

View McQueen’s Entire Collection.

Regardless, its a must-watch. They’re the same people behind the ever amazing Tiger Woods animation that came out a month or so ago. We need all our news told like this. All animated, all the time. Truly this is how everything should be learned. I hope that CNN takes umbrage with this and starts running with it and pretty soon Adult Swim will be totally indistinguishable from the evening news, that everything will become some sort of cartoon, and that we wont want to trust a news person unless they were animated.

There IS an English language version floating around too but its not nearly as Lost-In-Translation funny as this; I highly suggest if you have a few minutes to check this out and check out the Tiger Woods one as well. It’s fucking brilliant (fall on your knees and roll around on the floor brilliant, really). You won’t be disappointed.

So we hear you like scary things. We hear you like Japanese things. We hear you like scary Japanese things. A lot of things fall under this category, such as the full body pillow decorated as a school girl, or the vending machines that – um – ‘vend’ – schoolgirls used panties. Or perhaps the skirt that – I shit you not – folds up to make yourself look like an actual vending machine. YES that exists and YES you should google it.

Anyway, in all my internet perusing I sometimes find nuggets of radness such as this. It is from Japan and it is a little manga story that is scarier than Michael Vick in a pet store (2009 joke!). Now, as you may well be aware, anime ruins everything. This is a proven fact – that the Japanese cartoon styling that fits under the umbrella category of ‘anime’ is entirely a terrible, terrible thing. No good has come out of anime whatsoever other than comical Mountain Dew guts on the bodies of nerdy dudes. Regardless of my hatred towards anime I was shocked to both enjoy and actually feel emotions after I read this: it’s a short story done in manga about a mountain and holes in the mountain and I’ll spare you the details. It ran in 2002 and I’m surprised they haven’t made it into a movie yet. Anyway: CLICK HERE TO CRAP YOUR PANTS.

NO WAY. REALLY? The guy that looks like he totally smokes weed ends up being a guy that “totally smokes weed”? Nice work there, Sherlock. Why don’t you accuse The Hulk of being “muscly” or the sky for being “far away and blue”? Dumbasses. How long did that one take to figure out?

Dude got pulled over in Washington state, too. That’s like: the ultimate place to smoke pot in. No, really. That’d be like reading the Bible poolside in Nazareth. But better. And there’d be pot involved. Anyway, dear Manolith reader, there really isn’t much of a story here. Tim Lincecum smokes pot. Big deal. Anyone who saw his commercial for the 2K games a while back could probably tell.

After all, what the hell else is there to do up in Washington, anyway? From The Columbian:

Tim Lincecum, star pitcher for the San Francisco Giants, is facing charges of misdemeanor possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia use after being stopped for speeding on I-5 last week.

At 8:23 a.m. Oct. 30, Washington State Patrol trooper and spokesman Steve Schatzel said, a motorcycle trooper working with a laser device timed a 2006 Mercedes Benz doing 74 mph northbound in Hazel Dell near Northeast 78th Street — where the speed limit is 60 mph.

The trooper pulled the Mercedes over. When the driver, Lincecum, rolled down his window, the trooper smelled marijuana. He asked Lincecum to hand it over, and Lincecum reached into his dashboard console and produced a small pouch and a pipe, Schatzel said.

The amount was 3.3 grams, Schatzel said, which is considered only enough for personal use. Lincecum did not appear to be impaired behind the wheel and is not being charged with a felony crime, Schatzel said.

Now, you may not know this, but you can actually USE a baby for lots of different reasons. An easy one would be to place the baby on the sinkhole in the tub in lieu of a stopper, as so your precious bathwater would not go to waste. This is where the phrase “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” comes from.

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of different ways to use a baby that people don’t tell you about. Here’s just a few of my favorites:

• Door stop.
• Beanbag footstool. I’ve always wanted, when sitting on a beanbag, to have a footstool. As it seems, a baby does just fine.
• Hermann Göring stand in during re-enactment of the Nuremberg Trials.
• Target practice for ninja throwing stars.
• Secondary dog chew toy. You’ll find that although no baby has a “squeaker”, they will still make noise when chewed.
• A “Norm” from Cheers stand in. Just place baby on bar stool next to you and tell it about your day. Then have lots of drinks with aforementioned baby.
• Blame. You can blame anything and everything on the baby, from a fart to the unraveling of your marriage.

Check back to Manolith soon, we’ll continue bringing you more ways to use a baby.

Last night, AJ Sokalner, one of the bigger names in celebrity photography  (in the not-quite-paparazzi not-quite-Richard-Avendon sort of way) died mere minutes after shooting Lady Gaga arriving at the ACES awards. It’s pretty sad. Look at her outfit. She’s just kind of sad herself. I totally bet Satan has something to do with this. Did anyone else see The Omen? I’m tellin’ ya.

Anyway, our hearts go out to AJ Sokalner, who I’m sure was a totally rad guy. In fact, I’m sure he was. If you’re willing to sit out in the cold and wait around for Lady Gaga, of all people, to show up, you deserve something. Perhaps an award. Let’s get him one.

So you thought ice skating was just for little girls and whimsical New Yorkers? Well think again. It’s actually the sport of the most manly fucking people out there. Like, brutally manly people. Guys that eat a steak while punching suffragettes. Guys who ride fixed gear bikes up a mountain of beef jerky and stubble. These are the kinds of guys that fart fire and shit brimstone. They put lots of hot peppers on their pizza. They drink full calorie sodas. Yes, I’m running out of ideas.

Cough.

ANYWAY. But look out, world. Stephen Colbert — the popular late night tv host — is sponsoring the United States Speed Skating Team, after Netherlands-based bank DSB backed out. WHOOPS ON THEIR PART, INDEED. From the AP Wire:

“We must ensure that it is America’s 38-inch thighs on that medal platform!” Colbert exhorted.

Bob Crowley, executive director of US Speedskating, said Colbert “embracing the US Speedskating Team will provide immeasurable exposure for our sport and very talented athletes.”

The team has quite the track record, including 75 Olympic medals and such alumni as Dan Jansen, Bonnie Blair and Eric Heiden. It ranks as the most successful of any United States winter sports team.

Donations can be made via www.colbertnation.com or through US Speedskating’s site.

From CNN.com:

“We tour eight months out of the year, and we are always traveling around,” Nathan Morris said. “It’s hectic for us always being in airplanes and airports. He got sick, and it hit him pretty hard. We go all over the world really, so I am surprised it hasn’t happened earlier, to be honest,” Nathan Morris said. “I talked to [Stockman] today, and he is doing much better.”

Yeah. So it’s all good, baby baby. We’ll be seein’ each other again real soon. Stay pretty, sweet thang.

1. Due to her imminent hatred of affordable health care, she will be as pure as the driven snow due to the fear of any sort of malady. This is important, because unless you’re Anne “Fisty Shake” Coulter, right wing women have never so much showered in the nude. They fear it more than life itself, that whole “being free” sort of thing. They hate freedom, and that is why they want to take away the very basic human right of being naked AT ANY TIME.
2. Fox News Channel watchers are proven to being easily led, like sheep, or American Idol viewers. This means that you will have a veritable Willy Wonka playground of poonani. Do you want to try the sexual positions that you’d only dreamed about, such as:
   * Mongolian Beaver Hat
   * The Horatio Alger
   * Chase The Cat
   Well, now you can. Because no sooner than you can say “Tea Bagging” can you get her to do unusual sexual positions.
3. The best Christmas presents are the ones tightly wrapped. You can take that many different ways, such as the fact that Republican woman are LITERALLY wrapped in paper and put in a cardboard box with no breathing holes OR you could take it metaphorically, in the way that they are so bundled up in LL Bean mock-turtlenecks and Seinfeld-era jeans, that underneath it all they’re all 10’s. No joke. Nobody has even considered this. Nobody has considered this because nobody thinks outside the box. Literally. The box. (they call that a ‘callback’ in comedy, folks).
4. They are relentless. As in: they will not stop fucking you until they have taken your lifeforce they climax. And when they climax, an eagle will appear at the window and sing ‘God Bless America’ in the voice of James Earl Jones.
5. Think about it: Sarah Palin naked. You’d do it. I’d do it. We’d all do it.
6. Every time a Liberal winds up having sex with a Republican, Bill O’Reilly loses an eyebrow hair. If we keep it up, he will have no eyebrows, and thus he will not be able to show indignation, resentment, hypocrisy, or any other one of the emotionally blackmailing faces that he does on his show to make the viewer think that Republicans actually care about them. Basically, if we keep fucking Republicans, there’ll be no Bill O’Reilly within a month. And that would make a better world.
7. They will lie and cheat their way into whatever they want. And to be honest, that’s kind of hot. It’s nice to see someone make an effort once in a while, even if it is things like ‘destroying your civil liberties’ and ‘taking your freedoms away’.

Regardless, it’s quickly gaining a lot of airplay in “the club”, even if Dev sort of reminds me of Krusty The Clown.

It’s very important for you to like and appreciate what’s going on “in the club”, because “in the club” is where all the really cool things go on, like ‘waiting in lines’ and ‘drinking alcohol with a 400% price increase’. And waiting in line for a bathroom. And having the whole club smell like pee, anyway. And spending $40 on mid-range alcohol to give to some girl who for $2 you could have met at the coffee shop. And do you like talking to door people? Man, clubs are so awesome.

I just don’t get his appeal. How can Fox News watchers even come vaguely close to liking anything he says? He’s the smuggest asshole in the world, as is Glenn Beck, and they don’t so much pander to the idiots that watch Fox News, as they rub them on their heads and go, “yes you areeeee!” while decrying the Obama administration that’s working hard to protect civil liberties. I mean, HONESTLY, y’all. And now he jumps upon liking dead baby cow fetuses. What the hell. Is he drunk? Can I have what he is drinking? He is drunk on the blood of idiots. I want to punch him so bad it hurts. Just once! Just once when he isn’t looking. That’s all I want for Christmas.

What do you think? That people shouldn’t be “aborted cow fetuses” when writing to the O’Reilly show? Is that irony encapsulated? Aren’t the viewers of the O’Reilly show stupid enough without being coerced into 500-year-old Shakespearean words for “idiots”?

In case you didn’t know – because you’re not in the know – because you are fat and ugly and live under a rock – there’s a clothing line called ‘Warriors Of Radness’.

I KNOW.

Let me say that again. It’s called ‘Warriors Of Radness’ and they make clothing reminiscent of late 80’s / early 90’s Southern California. Kind of like, say, Saved By The Bell, but what the cool kids who were always outside smoking would wear (because cool kids smoke) (actually don’t smoke because it’s really fucking bad for you). So there you have it. The style is coming back into vogue, and you will be seeing the simple-yet-very-fucking-stylish look coming back around reaaaaaaal soon. Did I mention how awesome it is to have a shirt with ‘WARRIOR OF RADNESS’ on it? It’s one of the greatest marketing feats of all time. Totally genius. It’s almost like actually BEING a warrior, except you’re doing it just to be totally rad. Honestly, I don’t know why you haven’t already rushed out the door to get one of their awesome shirts or gnar hoodies already. But wait! You can do it all online, right here! Click through, buddy ol’ friend. You’ll be a Warrior Of Radness in no time.

A lot of ‘new media’ folks were there and really, really got into the good spirit of the show. Some of the entries were mindblowingly good… so good, infact, that during one particular short about a kid with a television set for a head one particular blogger (this guy as in ‘me’) cried like a little bitch. Why? Because I’m fucking sensitive and wear scarves indoors and listen to Morrissey (fact: I don’t listen to Morrissey). IN CELEBRITY NEWS Joseph Gordon-Levitt (500 Days Of Summer, Brick) showed up and his short was pretty rad. Infact, all of the shorts were really rad.

Hopefully they’ll do it again soon, it really was a great show in all aspects. And hey! Do you follow Manolith’s Tumblr? You should. You WILL.

It is not, as you might think, a dyslexic homage to renowned character and voiceover actor Morgan Freeman. It is infact a way of LIFE. This way of life is dedicated to:

• Dumpster Diving. Should you want a bagel, Monsieur? Then go to the dumpster outside a bagel shop after closing, and you will find perfectly good 8 hour old bagels JUST SITTING THERE LIKE IT AINT NO THANG.
• Barter. Gosh, does that guy’s bike need fixing. Boy, do you need an In-N-Out burger. Hey! Why don’t you fix his bike for $5.01, the exact price of a #1 with whole grilled onions and a milkshake plus CA State tax?
• Beg. There is nothing wrong with saying “hey buddy, howzabouta loaf of bread”.
• Forage for wild food, such as berries, nuts, and other things that grow. This also means that should you perhaps find a field of marijuana you can take that, too, because you are one lucky bastard and will be able to afford like A GAZILLION day old bagels now.
• Curb Shop. This means you can take whatever is laying on the curb. Do you know how the ‘Mattress King’ guy you see on TV became the Mattress King? He started out just like you and me, on the streets. Getting alllll the mattresses. Yup. Thats how the world works.
• Become a Meegan. A Meegan someone that eats meat that would otherwise go to waste. Like Slim Jims, and beef jerky. Sounds good to me, amiright?
• Become a Heegan. Actually I just made that one up, because the word sounds funny. Tee hee! Adding ‘eegan’ to anything sounds funny.

Ok, back to the serious stuff. You are NOT HOMELESS. You are simply “free of the contraints of a normal Capitalist job”. Don’t get a job because ‘The Man’ wants you to! You’re a rebel, Dottie. A loner. You live on the edge and live only for yourself, like a badass outlaw or cowboy except you’re broke as fuck and drinking labeless beer behind a grocery store.

But man, what a way to live. Free. You answer to nobody. You are your own master. You are your own God. You are you’re own landlord, ex girlfriend, Uncle With A Mustache And a Creepy Smile, and your own best friend, all rolled into one. You are: A Freegan.

For more, check out this from Oprah, or this from The New York Times Newspaper. It’s a wonderful way of life.

Do you know how much Photoshop costs? It’s like $600. That’s insane. I mean, all it really is, if you think about it, is a disc. Sure, the stuff ON the disk cost something like, lets say, including everyones salaries, like a million bucks to make. You can make the same stuff for FREE with Pixlr (google it). But I digress. I wonder how long it took him to do all of these. Probably a really long time. Man, I can barely keep my hands still long enough to contentrate on that sort of stuff. Mostly because I drink way too much coffee and have ADD. That’s probably why. It sucks when you drink too much coffee and start acting like Doc from Back To The Future, all walking around going “GREAT SCOTT”! Anyway. I’ve said enough. This is all by photographer and photoshopper Agan Harahap.

Thanks to RXFresh.com.

It happens to the best of us, dear readers. Sometimes, out of nowhere, you get unfairly fired. But all hope is not lost! Here’s a handy dandy list of what you can do to pull a Partridge Family and c’mon-get-happy.

1. Pull yourself together. LITERALLY. As in: hug yourself. That’s right. Don’t be afraid. Are you afraid? Then you probably shouldn’t be around yourself.

2.Do not be afraid to expose your inner child. Although, it should be said that exposing your child to anyone else could be considered indecent exposure.

3. Don’t listen to Coldplay. No really, don’t listen to them. That should be a given. Just: don’t. Remember that ‘Civil War’ bullshit they did? I mean, ‘Vida La Vida’ wasn’t that bad of a song, but then they had to go all Gettysburg Address on us. Wha da fuh.

4. Now that you aren’t listening to Coldplay, be sure to buy a jaunty hat. This will make everything better. Look at Peter Pan, Batman, and Liberace. They were all very happy with themselves and very secure in who they were.

5. Take up a hobby.
Do not take up the hobby of ‘Driving Around At Night Listening To Philip Glass With Your Headlights Off’.
Do not take up the hobby of ‘Trenchcoat Parking Guy With Hook’.
Do take up the hobby of ‘Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Official Breast Wrangler.
Do take up the hobby of ‘Professional Sandwich Eater’.

6. Nobody likes a sad person. Force yourself to smile, even if this means sticking two fingers in your mouth and pulling your lips into a smiling position. This will show that you are making EFFORT. People like EFFORT.

7. People also like people that CAPITALIZE. This would explain the popularity of Kanye West.

8. Eat bread right before you go to sleep. This will ensure that come Winter, when you still don’t have a job, you shall be snug in your own fat – like a Walrus or Manatee. Observe the Manatee. This shall be you.

9. Resume? Schmesume. If people want a resume, just tell them everything you want them to know on a Denny’s placemat drawn with a crayon. Be sure to color outside the lines, as this will show the future employee you think outside the box, literally and figuratively.

10. Nobody likes a quitter, so develop dependencies to both Heroin and Nicotine. Also: the television drama ‘House’.

11. Listen to the song ‘Goodbye Horses’ with your genitals tucked inbetween your legs and dance infront of the mirror. Ah, you got the movie reference? Well this will be you in a matter of DAYS unless you find a job.

12. Ask everywhere for a job. Ask down potholes, sewer grates, inside trash cans, and piles of waste. This is because the Ninja Turtles, Oscar The Grouch, and The Fraggles are all expert job hunters and will be able to assist you.

13. When you get a job interview, make sure that you dress the part. The part will be: Hamlet.

14. Be sure to offer a strong handshake to your future employer.

15. Be sure to tell your future employer that you have studied under both Alfred Kinsey and John Wayne Gacy. This will impress him.

16. Be sure to have a flower that squirts water in your lapel pocket. It will make you seem classy and refined.

17. And finally, if all is lost, you can always go back to your old work and pretend you still work there. They won’t mind. Nor will the guy with your old desk, because when you got fired you had the wherewithall to put a tuna sandwich in there, taped the the bottom, so he will never find it. You are a cunning wizard.

After Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain professed his adoration for cult singer-songwriter cum artist Daniel Johnston, Daniel experienced a huuuuge surge in popularity. Again. In the mid-’80s he’d been somewhat of a cult figure for his self-recorded albums describing love, loss, and everything else. The thing is, Daniel is somewhat of a schizophrenic — making ‘outsider’ music that would definitely not get played on the Top 40 stations, but that has been beloved by college radio DJs and listeners for 25 years now. A few years back there was a documentary made about him, “The Devil & Daniel Johnston”, which is great if you’d like to find out more. Personally, I think he’s a fucking genius.

Anyway, with the surge in grunge nostalgia recently, the ‘Hi How Are You?’ album cover shirt, made famous by Kurt Cobain, is making a few appearances in movies and TV again, the most notable example being worn by some male model bro in the recent Drew Barrymore (future wife) movie ‘Whip It’ (which apparently noooobody saw, I am told). Also, duh, Kurt Cobain. That too. Expect to see it a lot more, as it’s available on Daniel Johnston’s official website for a mere $22. It’s the super soft kind too, made on Alternative Apparel shirts. Totally rad. I suggest you pick one up. Be wary of imitators selling them for as high as $45 though.

Visit the Daniel Johnston Official Store at Hi How Are You.com.

Moisturize, why dontcha.

Rupert Murdoch is one scary guy. Although, dude could probably read this (GASP) and have me killed (DOUBLE GASP). But that being said, he now wants the cable companies to pay HIM.

“We will be seeking retransmission dollars from our distributors,” he told the company’s annual shareholder meeting in New York on Friday. “We’re determined to take a leadership position in creating an economic template for the future.”

So, clearly, since this is the network that cancelled The OC (yes, I know Season 3 and 4 sucked but lets overlook that for a second and concentrate how rad it was to have a show that had Mischa Barton and Olivia Wilde make out and have Rachel Bilson amble around in a bikini half the time), they do not know how to think straight. We have to pay for that now? That makes NO sense, broseph. Why don’t you concentrate on actually putting out good shows for once? This is sort of like your poop telling your butt to let it back in. Or something. I mean, really. Pay for FOX? That’s the strangest business strategy ever.