mlorenz
Whenever Mark writes anything about himself, he feels contrite. He spends his time between neuroses and poetry.
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Man Only Spoke Klingon To Son For Three Years
This is an interesting story to me. There’s liking Star Trek, and then there’s liking Star Trek a little too much. Like, way too much. Like, to the point where it’s detrimental to your child’s development and opinion of you. Case in point, a man in Minnesota only spoke to his son in Klingon for the first three years of his life. [...]
PETA Fails To Kill Lobsters Humanely
God, I love PETA. They’re preachy in the worst way, do exactly what they warn not to do, and when new technology fails them, they’ll never fail to compromise their values. Case in point? They were demonstrating a humane way of killing a lobster, when things went wrong, and they had to boil hundreds of them. [...]
Peruvian Gangs Are Killing Fat People
Are you planning on vacationing soon? Do you have a few extra pounds that you’re packing on? Can you identify with most of Martin Lawrence’s movies? If so, you might want to stay the hell away from Peru. Because a gang is targeting fat people, killing them, and selling their fat for cosmetics. [...]
Watch Crazy Tila Tequila Strip
Seriously. Guess how crazy she is. Because you probably will underestimate. Other than looking like Gizmo the gremlin and having a two-show stint on MTV? Other than being the queen of a now dead social network site, spurned onto the grave by Rupert Murdoch? You’re wrong. Anything you guess is wrong. Cause she just pulled a gun on a webcam. [...]
Woman Who Has Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome Finds Man
Do you suffer from Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome? Are you consistently horny? Does that persistent state of sexual arousal set you off at all times during the day, causing you to have over 300 orgasms, no matter what it is that you do? No. Chances are you don’t. But Michelle Thompson does, and thankfully, she’s found a man. [...]
Hit The B**** Interactive PSA Is Confusing
Lately, a number of PSA’s condemning domestic violence have hit the airwaves and monitors of people across the nation. One of them was Keira Knightley being beaten up after reading a script, which is weird, because I’m sure that’s actually what some people want to do when they see Keira Knightley read scripts. But Hit The Bitch is the most confusing. [...]
Modern Warfare Is FASTEST SELLING GAME OF ALL TIME
RAAAAH. HEAR THAT, BRA? THAT’S THE SOUND OF SYNTHESIZED HARDCORE. Modern Warfare has blown up, stabbed, and shot in the head all the competition from every video-game in history. Which is weird, because most of the best-selling games in history include large parts of violence.
Music-Playing Pants Will Make You Exercise Until You Like It
You know you work out in the gym, with the crazy techno music and the stair-climbers and you need motivation, other than succumbing to a lifetime of obesity, diabetes, and dirty looks. Now you can have that motivation. With music playing pants. [...]
Newsweek Cover Proves Sarah Palin LOVES WHINING
Waaaaaah. I don’t like the way the media is covering me and my family. Waaaaaaah. They call me a hypocrite. Waaaaaah. I loved them when they showered me with praise, but as soon as somebody levels criticism, I accuse them of having a problem and never put the blame on myself. Also, I hate my Newsweek cover. [...]
Soccer Player Plans To Bathe His Feet In Placenta
Well, why didn’t you tell me? I’ve got a refrigerator full of placenta that’s GOING TO WASTE, MAN.
