Dillie the deer was brought into a veterinary clinic with multiple health problems a few years ago where Melanie Butera worked. It appeared nature was about to take its course. Well, before Butera decided the best course of action would be to nurse it back to health that is.

I guess you can’t blame her. I mean, who doesn’t feel bad when you see footage of sea otters and birds caked in oil from some man-made disaster? And you’d have to be a heartless bastard to not get a little teary feel like you need to reach for your wallet when you see those Sarah McLachlan commercials asking to help abandoned dogs and cats.

Though Dillie was likely healthy enough to be released into the wild, Butera decided instead to bring her home. As a pet. Maybe she had seen “Bambi” one too many times and knows about Ohio’s love of hunting, or maybe she killed one of Dillie’s cousins one night in her car, and feels guilty.

But alas, the Butera family is now raising a wild animal that can contract scary diseases but is free to roam the house, is fitted with a GPS tracker, and has a diet that includes spaghetti and ice cream. Good thing Dillie is potty trained, because I would hate to have to clean up the mess a diet like that would cause.

If Mr. Butera has any sense of manliness left in him, let’s hope he suggests a Rottweiler next time. Or a tiger.

According to the FBI — and you know shit is serious when the feds get involved — 23-year-old Allison Coss and 30-year-old Scott Sippola had their home raided, which yielded three photos of “Mr. X” (reported by TheSmokingGun to be Stamos), a piece of paper with his cell phone number and contact information for three tabloid magazines.

The suspects allegedly blackmailed Stamos for $680,000 over the pictures, which supposedly show Stamos posing with fans and the couple said they would ruin his reputation. Given what’s happened recently in neverland the celebrity world, those “fans” would likely need to be a group of midget strippers and his “posing” would have to be him blowing lines off various body parts in order for this to make much of a dent in the news cycle.

But seriously, why go after Uncle Jesse? I suppose when you think about it he really is the easiest target. Jodie Sweetin aka Stephanie Tanner has already came out with her memoir “From Meth Addict to Mom,” Heath Ledger was thought to have died in one of the Olsen Twins’ apartments (though it turned out neither owned it) and Bob Saget regularly plays pervy caricatures of himself on TV shows. What’s Dave Coulier up to?

You know you’ve seen status updates on Facebook like, “I am eating a taco,” or, “I am hanging out with my boo,” and thought, “Where’s the creativity?” Well now you have even more reason to get all Tracy Morgan with your updates and write something absurd: it could prove to be an alibi.

On Oct. 17, Rodney Bradford, a 19-year-old from Harlem, was at his father’s home on the phone with his pregnant girlfriend and updating his Facebook status to, “On the phone with this fat chick… where my IHOP” at 11:49 a.m. A minute later, two men were robbed in Brooklyn — about 12 miles away.

Apparently, Bradford is no angel and is facing charges for a 2008 robbery, and police must have figured he fit the profile. Bradford found out police were looking for him and turned himself in knowing he wasn’t their man. It went downhill from there as the victim picked him out of a lineup. He was charged with first-degree robbery and sent to the New York City jail.

Bradford’s father eventually found his son’s status update on Facebook and told his defense attorney about it, who realized that Bradford had a rock-solid alibi. They subpoenaed Facebook for the electronic records, proving the update came from Bradford’s father’s home in Harlem and got the district attorney to drop the case.

The lesson from all this? Well, I guess you could take away that you shouldn’t rob people in the first place, and that way the police won’t think of you as a perfect suspect anytime it happens. But no, you should have learned to always make your status updates count. It could get you off the hook and in the news some day. Or at least it’ll make your friends wonder WTF you’re smoking.

(Photo Via: CBS)

A teenage girl who turned up in Midtown Manhattan recently apparently has no memory of her name, home or family. Administration of Child Services commissioner John B. Mattingly told the local ABC affiliate that the girl is safe but just wants to know who she is and what happened to her.

That’s all Jason Bourne wanted to do, too, then he reflexively dropped a couple of cops and went on a killing spree to retrace his steps and find out why he was this MacGuyver on steroids killing machine with no memory of how he got that way.

This is a sad story, indeed, especially since the girl is estimated to be between 14 and 17 years old and likely scared beyond comprehension, but the reason I make the connection to Jason Bourne is because she’s told people she’s been writing a fantasy story about a chick named Rian “who’s been raised by the commander of the guard post on the edge of a fantasy kingdom.”

I doubt the government is stealing babies and brainwashing children to become teenage assassins and calling their barracks the fantasy kingdom, but if I were working in the child services center where Jane Doe is staying I would be very careful about coming up from behind her to get her attention and accidentally startling her by tapping on her shoulder. It’s a good way to end up on your back with a dislocated elbow.

[photo via WABC-TV, New York]

When you hear a city name like Deerfield Beach, Fla., you might conjure up images of white sandy beaches with a gentle ocean breeze and waves lapping at the shores. It apparently has all that, but it’s also the latest place to fall victim to the Stop Snitchin’ attitude usually found in America’s inner cities.

Five juveniles were recently taken into custody after allegedly intentionally setting a classmate, 15-year-old Michael Brewer, on fire outside of an apartment complex.

I’ve read stories like this from time to time and they usually include some type of qualifier like “inspired by a stunt on MTV’s ‘Jackass’” or “after watching a video on YouTube,” but this is some sadistic shit that sounds like it’s straight out of “The Wire”. As reported by Miami’s WPLG, police said Brewer supposedly hadn’t paid one of the suspects money he owed for a video game, so the suspect stole his bicycle. Apparently Brewer reported the stolen bike, which led to the arrest of the suspect. After being released from juvie, the suspect rounded up some friends to go looking for Brewer.

When they found him, according to witnesses, one of the suspects said, “He’s a snitch, he’s a snitch,” and “pour it on him.” Another suspect threw something on him and used a lighter to set him on fire, leaving him with second-degree burns across 80 percent of his body. The kicker? Police said a couple of the suspects were laughing about the incident.

All five were charged with aggravated battery while one had additional attempted murder charges filed against him.

I guess this is one of those reasons why there’s a TLC show called “The Police Women of Broward County” and that all the “COPS” reruns I watch seem to have been shot there.

[Image via justnews.com]

Whether it’s true or not, it would be really amazing if this catches on. Known ’round the world and on TV for their gallows humor, cops in New York have apparently adopted a new nickname for the hipsters that populate Williamsburg: Marshmallows. According to a Tweet by kirstengronberg, she found out that New York’s finest now refer to hipsters as marshmallows due to being predominately white and soft.

Though Manolith’s own Ned Hepburn claimed to be glad the current hipster thing is dying out, I, for one, hope it stays around for a little while longer — especially if marshmallow really takes off as an insult.

Among certain bearded, PBR-drinking, converted fixed-gear riding crowds, calling someone the H-word is about as offensive as a racial slur, but could you imagine how amazing it would be to walk into your local dive bar and watch an argument about skid-stopping techniques come to blows between two bike messenger wannabes after one calls the other a marshmallow?

Do we call drunk hipsters toasted marshmallows?

Could you imagine what the next generation will think if this takes off and the nickname “marshmallow” ends hipsterdom as we currently know it? Does this mean we can think of marshmallows hipsters like Ray Stantz did in Ghostbusters, as “something that could never possibly destroy us”? The possibilities are endless.

Thank you, NYPD.

(image via x-entertainment.com)

Just when you thought Jon Gosselin was in the clear after dropping his controlling she-devil other half, he up and decides to celebrate his bachelor status by shacking up with the Mayor of Crazytown, Octomom. Apparently his love of Ed Hardy shirts is the least of his worries…

According to a press release from In Touch Weekly, former “Cheaters” and “Jerry Springer” producer Bobby Goldstein said Gosselin and Octomom Nadya Suleman are teaming up for a reality show where the two date, with the pilot episode to be called “Jon – Kate = Jon + Octomom.” Goldstein’s previous jobs at least give him the prerequisites to be the circus ring leader for the freakshow this will be.

Jon Gosselin either has some crazy fetish for paying child support, or he just straight-up loves to torture himself.

Apparently Octomom has a crush on Gosselin, and the show will follow him “as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like.” I could be mistaken, Jon, but I’ve got an idea that should be fairly accurate: Think about the fact that the woman has had 14 kids. Then grab a hot dog. Take that hot dog and throw it down a hallway. That’s probably similar to what you can expect what hooking up with Octomom will be like.

Activision released “DJ Hero” in North America today, the latest installment in the let’s-not-learn-real-instruments-and-instead-press-buttons genre of video games.

A number of DJs and artists have helped collaborate for the game, whether it’s lending their image for avatars or creating some of the game’s mixes. Artists who’ve helped out along the way include DJ Shadow, the late DJ AM (RIP), Jay-Z, Eminem, Grandmaster Flash, DJ Jazzy Jeff, and everyone’s favorite DJ gods, Daft Punk.

Gameplay is similar to Activision’s Guitar Hero series, with multiple notes cascading down the screen. The controller that comes with the game is a wireless deck that features a moving turntable with buttons for the cascading stream of notes, as well as an effects dial, a crossfader, and a “Euphoria” button. For those who scratch lefty, a portion of the controller can be detached and flipped.

“DJ Hero” features more than 100 songs from a number of big-name artists including Beastie Boys, Jurassic 5, (I’m) Rick James (bitch), David Bowie, Queen, N.E.R.D., Beck, Gwen Stefani, and many more. We’re interested in hearing how Paula Abdul, Bell Biv Devoe, Tears for Fears and Little Richard fit into the mix. Tears for Fears and DJ Shadow? Yes, please.

The game will run DJ wannabes about $120 for the game and the turntable controller.

Things never usually end well when you mix alcohol and weapons. Such is the case for Sgt. Eric Janik, a Baltimore police officer who got scared and allegedly pulled his service weapon on a haunted house employee dressed as Leatherface over the weekend, and is now suspended without pay and probably going to get canned.

House of Screams employee Michael Morrison said he was doing his normal Leatherface routine to get “one last scream” and ran out the back of the haunted house after Janik with a chainsaw — which had no chain and was harmless — which apparently scared the piss out of Janik, so he then allegedly pulled a gun and pointed it at Leatherface Morrison’s chest.

Morrison, other witnesses and police have said that Janik appeared intoxicated, which will likely cause a shitstorm to rain down on him. My best guess says that had he been sober, Janik likely would have been able to chalk it all up to muscle memory from police training, faced a small suspension and a lifetime of razzing from his cop buddies, but drinking while armed is one of the easiest ways to get you kicked off the force.

But now I’m wondering if The Texas Chainsaw Massacre would have ever happened had Sally Hardesty been packing heat.

[image via ugo.com]

You kind of have to wonder what drugs the person was on who first thought up the idea to take a bear from the wild, try to domesticate it, then slap a pair of ice skates on it and make it skate around for a paying audience. But apparently bears on ice, playing hockey or riding motorcycles is a national past time in Russia. It’s also a great way to get you killed, like circus hand Dmitry Potapov found out this week when he was mauled to death by a 5-year-old bear who likely took exception to being strapped to figure skates instead of more masculine hockey skates.

It’s not like it’s news that bears will kill and eat you, no matter how cute you tell them they are and shower them with baby-talk. Just ask Timothy “Grizzly Man” Treadwell, or the 100+ other people who have been mauled to death in North America alone over the last century. Shit, the audio of Treadwell’s attack was recorded and Werner Herzog — who wasn’t bothered enough to stop an interview when he was shot by a sniper — thought it was so terrifying he told the owner of the tape, “You muhzt never lizten to zis. You zhould not keep it. You zhould deztroy it.” But apparently the Russians didn’t get that memo.

Let’s review: A lone bear in the wild? Ornery and will kill and eat you. Try to hug a cute bear cub in the wild? The mother will kill you and feed you to the cub. Take a bear from the wild, strap on some skates and give it a hockey stick? It will play along for a while, then get super pissed and beat you to death with the stick. And then eat you.

Well that didn’t take long.

A mere two days after celebrity sighting site OMGICU founder Hugh Dornbush created Twacy.org to beg comedian Tracy Morgan to join the Twitterverse, the internet granted his wish with a verified Tracy Morgan Twitter page, RealTracyMorgan. The page has only been up for a little more than 24 hours, but already has gathered more than 30,000 followers. Morgan’s publicist, Lewis Kay, confirmed that it is indeed him via Tweet, as reported by AnimalNewYork.com.

Though he’s hilarious in-character — Brian Fellow, Astronaut Jones and Spoonie Luv rank up there as some of the best — Tracy Morgan seems to be at his best when he’s just being himself. The Legend of Tracy Morgan grows by epic proportions with each outrageous TV interview he gives, whether it’s on Late Night with David Letterman or a local newscast in El Paso, Texas.

Seeing Tracy hijack an interview by jumping up on a desk, stripping off his shirt and trying to lick a newscaster’s face for minutes on end might rank higher in the comedy gold department, but how can you not LOL when reading gems like “my dickhead is shaped liked a darth vadar helmet. my dick is so fat it looks like r2d2″ in his voice?

It’s probably a good thing Miley Cyrus quit Twitter. It would have only been a matter of time before Tracy found her page and publicly threatened to get her pregnant.

You know you’re hitting the big time in the law enforcement community when your illegal exploits have earned you a nickname — and a Facebook fan page with more than 2,500 members. Such is the case with Colton Harris-Moore, who has been dubbed the “Barefoot Burglar” by police in Washington state. Dude is only 18, but since the age of 12, Moore has been accused of burglarizing schools and homes, and has done time in juvie for it along the way. He earned his nickname by his apparent preference to do his business sans footwear.

Now I’ve heard of some lame nicknames before — I’m from Chicago afterall, home to the likes of the recent “Cross Dressing Bandit,” “Scarecrow Bandit” and “Orange Glove Bandit,” among others — but “Barefoot Burglar” is pretty weak for as crafty as Moore apparently is. He apparently has spent his teens breaking into homes in Washington’s coastal island vacation communities, where he would break into homes or cars and copy down numbers off credit cards, but leave them behind so the crime would be undetected. Then he would ring up thousands of dollars in charges for video games, GPS units and police scanners. He also supposedly has a knack for surviving in the wilderness between jobs and might even live in the trees. Talk about some Lord of the Flies shit.

As if stealing from homes somewhat undetected was getting boring, or he is just getting sick of his nickname, Moore now stands accused of stealing and crashing three (!!!) airplanes around the Pacific Northwest. While experts told CNN that it’s difficult to teach yourself how to fly, it’s not impossible. And now the police are getting all CSI-like and testing vomit found in one of the aircraft to see if they can place Moore in the cockpit.

So what do you think, is the Barefoot Bandit trying to become the “Flyboy Bandit”? What would be a good cheesy nickname?

(Photo Via: Island County Sheriff Department)