“It all started when… so it all started when… this guy this Fucking guy, it… all started when… oh god.” *running noises, throwing up noises, returning from the bathroom noises*

“Where wuz I? *hiccup* About the guy… that St. Patrick I was gonna talk aboutim’ancuzyouwereaskin’me FUCK YEAH SHOW YOUR TITS!” *watches girl show her tits*

“So St. Patrick was a dude, that much we know for sure, and he loved to go to the candy store cuz ummm… *hiccup* he wanted a magic chocolate ticket and  he got it and his grandpa was so proud. So…. so proud.” *tries not to cry, vomits a little bit*

“An’ so St. Patrick and these other kids, one of them was a fat one! HAH! They go to the Chocolate factory and the fat one gets killed and everyone learns something from watching his death unfold. Unfoooooold. fold. mold. fool’s gold. gold bowl. dole. bananas! they make… bananas and oranges. I think I’m gonna be sick…no no, no. I’m gonna be OK.

So St. Patrick gets in Mr. Wonka’s elevator and he loves it and that’s why we celebrate St. Patrick’s day. *hiccup* because… because of…. Mr. Wonka…. *hiccup*… and his great gifts…. which he shared…. with the world.” *passes out, another drunk guy walks over and pisses on him, then steals his giant green hat*.

]]> http://www.manolith.com/2010/03/17/the-history-of-st-patrick-as-told-by-a-drunk-guy-on-st-paddys-day/feed/ 0 http://cache.static.tsavo.com/wordpress/uploads/2010/03/drunkpats-sm.jpg http://www.manolith.com/2010/03/16/microscopic-bugs-on-our-fingers-the-new-dna/ http://www.manolith.com/2010/03/16/microscopic-bugs-on-our-fingers-the-new-dna/#comments Tue, 16 Mar 2010 22:11:42 +0000 Daniel Dominguez http://www.manolith.com/?p=57294

According to NPR it might one day be possible to identify us based not on our DNA, but on the bacteria that covers our skin. Which brings up a laundry list of issues regarding ease of identification. With this information it is constantly becoming more and more possible to find someone pretty much no matter where they run off to, to pull up and disclose any web site we’ve ever visited, anything we’ve ever said, the list of ways in which our privacy as individuals has been offset by advances in technology is long enough and deep enough that it begs the question: What is more valuable, our privacy or our safety? Another related question would be, are we necessarily safer if we know more about each other? For me the questions are not easily answered. Yes it is easier to catch a criminal if we can identify them based on basically anything all the way down to microscopic beings that live on their fingertips, and it is in theory harder to plan large scale attacks when all forms of communication are monitored and recorded, but the price of that kind of monitoring in terms of independence and privacy is inevitably very high. It can also be said that that type of monitoring drives people to do things they wouldn’t normally do because their personal lives have been so invaded. So as much as access to information might give us insight into what people are planning, it might also be part of the reason why people are planning these things in the first place.

I for one generally believe that people tend to be peaceful when they are given a) autonomy and b) enough to live well. The fact that we live in a world where the disparity between rich and poor is so vast is in all likelihood causing a majority of the tensions that require us to monitor people. So I would put it this way. As long as we insist on having more than everybody else, and insist that it is our right to have so much more than everybody else, we are going to have to do plenty of monitoring to make sure all the stuff we have that they don’t have is safe.

So, I guess what I’m saying is this: as long as we insist on maintaining that imbalance, continue to be prepared to be worried about where you leave the bacteria on your fingers.

The almost universally reviled “Predator 2″ was criticized for ruining everything that was good about the first “Predator” movie, but critics should take a second look. The second Predator film actually had quite a bit going for itself in its own right. First, it continued in the fine, long-lasting and classic tradition of whiny sidekick Bill Paxton rolls. Nothing satisfies like seeing Bill Paxton be really upset for forty minutes only to be torn in half by something from outer space. Second, it had easily one of the best, most kickass subway crazy-pile-of-murders scenes in film history. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the Predator tear its way through a human circus on the Los Angeles subway, it is almost as awe inspiring and gory as the scene where Jessica Tandy goes ape shit and kills forty people at close range with a Swiss Army knife during the shocking, gory conclusion of the classic film “Fried Green Tomatoes.” Third, there is the crazy Rastafarian Voodoo worshiping drug dealer who makes no sense whatsoever in the film but is just plain enjoyable to watch that every now and again appears in the film, shakes some skulls at somebody, and then goes away again. But most importantly, the highlight of the film, is Danny Glover. Nothing says “the Predator is going down” like friendly, salt-and-pepper haired Danny Glover. People argued that Danny Glover was a strange choice to follow up Arnold as the guy that kills the Predator, but Danny Glover and Arnold have more in common than first meets the eye. First off, they are both Geminis, and it is a well known fact that Geminis are fickle, financially prudent, and are born with the knowledge that if you cover yourself in cool mud you are invisible to Predators. Second, they both have gaps in their front teeth. Third, and most importantly, they have both had group sex in Lou Ferrigno’s house when Lou wasn’t home. (Probably.)

But Danny Glover is perfect for fighting predators for a number of other reasons too, not just his uncanny similarities to Arnold. A few are listed below:

1. Gravitas: Nothing puts a Predator in its place like an air of quiet dignity. And Danny Glover has that in spades. Predators fear a man that can spend four hours nodding, slowly rubbing his hands, and assessing you. It is a well known fact that the only way to instantly kill a Predator is to force it to attend a taping of a “Charlie Rose” interview.

2. The Royal Tenenbaums: If you want to prepare yourself for fighting a Predator, marry Anjelica Huston. We all know that old saying. Old men say that to each other, they sit in front of the fire late at night and tell stories of Anjelica Huston to scare each other. These are very effective stories. From very effective men.

3. Bow Ties: Danny Glover often will wear a bow tie for any of his many film roles. It is just a Danny Glover thing to do. I think it is obvious that it would be way, way better for whoever was fighting the Predator one-on-one to be wearing a bow tie while they were doing so. And no one can pull that off like Danny Glover.

4. Heat Vision: Danny Glover is one of the few celebrities working in Hollywood today whose vision is based on thermal readings. Which is why Danny Glover can’t go hiking, because snakes are cold blooded, so he can’t see them and gets bit all the time.

5. Suicide Arm: In addition to his heat vision, Danny Glover is also the only celebrity besides Cameron Diaz to own a mechanical arm, powered by alien technology, to self destruct if he finds himself losing in a fair fight. A vitally important item when battling a Predator or Predators.

Jessica Simpson

I imagine John Mayer isn’t too terribly heartbroken over this loss, but even if he is, take comfort young Mayer in the notion that in all likelihood Jessica Simpson is going out with Billy Corgan, front man for the Smashing Pumpkins, who mostly just spends his time whining about not being in the Smashing Pumpkins anymore and looking like a Batman super villain.

Not that Corgan hasn’t made some great music, in case anyone reading this is assuming that I dislike the Smashing Pumpkins because I said Billy Corgan whines a lot. They do make great music, and whenever I feel like being sad, but not too sad, I’ll put them on. Sure, most of the songs are about church bells and ravens landing on tombstones and other goofy ’90s-goth nonsense, but they’re still very good. And if you had to pit Mayer lyrics against Smashing Pumpkins lyrics, well, Smashing Pumpkins are for listening to when it’s raining outside and a crow just landed on your shoulder and it has a ring its mouth, the wedding ring you gave your bride who died mysteriously on your wedding day, and John Mayer is for listening to when you’re an asshole. But I still feel like John Mayer’s, in the long run, the winner in this tug of war, because he’s intelligent, funny, and getting more interesting as a musician every day, and Jessica Simpson is a giant red high heel with breasts. So Mayer will end of banging some other attractive woman who’s only function is to roll sexily around on the hood of a car, and Jessica Simpson will probably end up on display in Billy Corgan’s basement as part of some weird serial killer/ performance art thing he makes that he thinks is “totally spooky, man.”

I’ve been a man of low means for quite some time. As such, I have spent much of my shopping time at the 99 cent store. The 99 cent store has an impressive array of items for under a dollar. You can buy anything from rejected soda flavors like “Pork” and “Savory” to single episode DVDs of failed sitcoms from the ’50s and ’60s. But not everything in the 99 cent store is something that you should purchase. There are items that have less than stellar quality control there. Below is a list of some items at the 99 cent store that are better left unpurchased.

1. Canned Tuna Steak:

I should have known not to buy this when there was a sticker on the packaging that said “Now Less Contaminated!”

2. A DVD Player:

A 99 cent DVD player sounds like a steal, and while it did work, it unfortunately was only able to play movies starring Timothy Hutton.

3. Toothpaste:

The main active ingredient in this toothpaste is “grime,” the main inactive ingredient is “loathing.”

4. Fire Alarm:

The biggest problem with 99 cent store fire alarms is that rather than beeping during a fire they just make fire noises.

5. Pregnancy Test:

If your boyfriend buys you a pregnancy test at the 99 cent store, leave him immediately.

6. Condoms:

They’re the only condoms I’m aware of that are made entirely of Hawaiian sweet bread.

7. Beer:

To save money, 99 cent store brand beer uses spoiled discount cologne instead of alcohol for its mind-dulling effect.

8. Pets:

The dogs they sell at the 99 cent store are almost always large rats that they have glued German Shepard masks on.

9. Nuclear Enriched Uranium-238:

They say it’s weapons grade, but it’s rarely weapons grade.

10. Kathy Griffin:

It is the real Kathy Griffin, but is that something you really want in your own home?

Sony just announced the release of their new “Playstation Move,” which is a controller that senses your movements so that you can punch, kick, play tennis or what have you similar to the way the Wii controller works. However, unlike the Wii, the Playstation 3 is not interested in shying away from more adult games.

The Wii is exciting only until you realize that all you can do with the Wii control is move around adorable animals or throw colorful blocks around. Playstation 3 has a great opportunity here to really take advantage of both their new “movement” technology and the older audience that generally purchases their products. Here are just a few games I would like to see:

1. Binge and Purge Hero:

This game would put you in control of a 15-year-old girl who is attending a high-pressure private high school. In order to keep her figure for the swim team she needs to overeat and then reject the food into a toilet bowl in the janitor’s bathroom because no one ever goes in there so she has more privacy there. You gain experience points based on how far you are able to shove the “Playstation Move” controller down your own throat. If you can get her to throw up an entire undigested cheeseburger you earn the “Ultimate Purge” Playstation 3 Online Award, which allows you to access bracelets for your Avatar that are much smaller than normal bracelets so that they won’t slip off your thin, thin wrists.

2. Inner City Cop: Battle Royale:

You are in control of Officer Blaine Force, a tough as nails cop who’s been on the streets too long and has his own personal prejudices to deal with. Every level the minority you have to arrest has committed more and more innocuous crimes, ranging from jaywalking when no cars are around to driving under the speed limit to enjoying ice cream in a suspiciously nice part of town. The more out of control your violence is the more points you receive, which you will need to pay off suspicious internal affairs officers who are worried that “beating that Mexican guy until his eye came out for double parking may have been excessive.”

3. Crash Bandicoot 4: Health Care Reform:

Crash Bandicoot has come up against his most difficult opponent yet, a bottle-necked health care initiative. Use the patented “Playstation Move” control to gesticulate wildly every time a fellow Senator spends forty minutes rehashing statistically-flawed arguments you’ve already heard other Senators make that day. Bonus Points for softly touching the back of Nancy Pelosi’s neck without having her get mad.

4. Predator Drone Simulator:

You play an overweight computer programmer in the basement of an Air Force base in Kentucky in control of a remote Predator Drone in the Kandahar border regions of Pakistan. Can you eliminate the target, minimize civilian casualties, and make it look like the United States was not involved in the killings all before five o’clock so that you can take your kids to see “Alice In Wonderland” that night at the Imax like you promised?

5. Playstation Move Warrior:

You play a guy in his living room using a “Playstation Move” controller to play the Playstation. The levels consist mostly of you resisting eating more than five oreo cookies because you’re trying to do something about that spare tire. Popular boss levels include your girlfriend coming in and asking when you’re going to have sex again, and getting the gas bill and deciding whether to throw it away or burn it.

The prank was impressive. The guy secretly installed equipment to measure the weight of the sexual encounter, and the intensity, in the bed the couple used to have sex on. The guy was apparently getting his friend back for another prank that had been pulled on him back in the day.

“You’ll know when it starts, when it ends, the force, a rating on the frenzy index and a judge’s comment – all broadcast live to Twitter,” the man tweeted.

And know we did. He posted such tweets as “They’re off the job! #2 – Action concluded at 16.12GMT. Duration: 22 m.05 s. Frenzy Index: 4 (easy listening). Judge’s Comment: ‘Good work!’”

I can only hope that if my sex acts are ever secretly recorded that I am able to score highly in the “frenzy index”. The “frenzy index” is actually not just something the guy made up, it is an index used by scientists to quantify the intensity with which a shark disembowels a seal, but can also be applied in the bedroom.

Hopefully this is only the tip of the iceberg as far as Twitter based pranks go. The tweet engine has been highly beneficial in helping the world follow oppression in Iran, and the devastation of the earthquakes in Chili and Haiti, it’s high time we got off the serious stuff and enjoyed ourselves with Twitter a little bit. I’d like to see a constant Twitter feed updating us on how slowly Lindsay Lohan is opening and closing one eye at a party, or a Twitter feed that kept us up to date on the amount of pressure James Gandolfini was currently applying to a small time New York Shopkeeper to “pay for the family’s protection”.

Rabbits are adorable, and when they go to the bathroom they excrete tiny little edible pellets that make great stocking stuffers at Christmas. Even the things rabbits generally love to do — nuzzle each other, hop around all day and ghost write all of Miley Cyrus‘ lyrics — are all adorable. Pocket, Butterbean, Custard, Hoppity, Flopsy, it is a scientifically-tested truth that rabbits are so cuddly that it is impossible to name them something uncute. I had a rabbit for a pet that I tried to name “Shitbreak” for two weeks, but because it was so adorable I eventually had to settle on “Mr. Puddles,” which no one, myself included, was happy about. It takes a lot for a rabbit not to be cute. But every now and again Hollywood pulls it off. Here below are a few of the more memorable examples of the least-adorable rabbits that have ever been featured in a movie.

1. The Donnie Darko Rabbit

The Donnie Darko rabbit from the future with the bleeding eyes was originally supposed to be played by a California Jackrabbit, but when PETA stepped in and told producers of the film they weren’t allowed to scream at a rabbit to try to get it to cry tears of blood, they decided they would go with special makeup effects instead. Little Known Fun Fact: So as to to prepare for the role James Duval, the actor who portrayed “Frank” the rabbit, actually spent six months prior to the movie living alone with a pack of wild hairs in the Arizona desert. He was found a month before the shoot began, passed out in a bush muttering the words, “So hard to be a rabbit… so hard…” under his breath, and subsequently taken back to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center to be treated for chronic malnutrition.

2. The Evil Cartoon Rabbit From “Twilight Zone: The Movie”

This rabbit was simply not good looking. Try as you might to find some redeeming physical attribute on the rabbit, it is simply an infeasible task. In order to get the perfect combination of unattractiveness and repulsiveness, the special effects team that worked on the film built a complicated computer program that could simulate what it would look like if you stuck Anjelica Huston in a microwave, pulled out whatever was left of her, and then stuck bunny ears on that.

(Image via deeperintomovies)

3. The Dead Easter Bunny From “Critters 2″

As the old saying goes, “A rabbit is always less cute if inside of it is a dead and bleeding police officer.” The rabbit in this movie is no exception to that common, age-old saying.

(Image via Missivesfrommarx)

4. Jessica Rabbit

I hear you. Jessica Rabbit is actually very physically attractive and should not be on this list. But we here at Manolith don’t just look at the surface of a person, and Jessica Rabbit is ugly on the inside. We know this because she is very distant with her husband Roger Rabbit, she is callous and unfriendly with strangers, and she worked with the CIA to plan the brutal assassination of Salvador Allende in 1973 which plunged Chile into a decades long spiral of dictatorship and violence.

5. Harvey Keitel

Harvey Keitel is not generally known for his rabbit upbringing, but in fact, his mother was an Irish immigrant and his father was a long-haired dwarf rabbit. That is why Harvey Keitel twitches his nose when he’s scared, and crawls into a large hole he has dug in the earth with his bare hands when there is a fox nearby.

Every day another congressman or Senator gets caught waiting in a bathroom for a slap and tickle, or accused of forcing his male interns to let him smell their hands. Representative Eric Massa is under investigation for having forced male staffers to let him grope them, allegedly. This news comes almost immediately after state senator Roy Ashburn, an anti-gay politician from Bakersfield, CA, was caught at a gay bar and had to admit he was gay. There are now more government representatives that used to “not be gay” that are now gay then there are states where homosexuals can be married. There should be a law that for every virulently anti-homosexual senator that turns out to be gay another state has to adopt gay marriage. I’m just waiting for Joe Lieberman to come out of the closet because that guy is gayer than a guy having sex with another guy in a long-term committed relationship. Which is pretty gay.

We need to face it America, lots of people are gay. So many people are gay, in fact, that there are whole bathrooms in Washington D.C. dedicated specifically for them to make out with each other. America has been one of the fore runner countries for women’s rights, minority rights, and so on. Let’s go ahead and take that next step and be a leader for gay rights in the world too. I’m tired of having to hear about my male senators and congressman having to grab asses or get their jollies in secret. In my America, gay senators can make out with each other on the senate floor to distract fellow congressman when they are trying to filibuster. Come on America, let’s lock arms with our gay senators and congressmen, pull them out of the closet, and celebrate our differences. God may have made Adam and Eve, but he also made 10% of Eve’s offspring genetically predisposed to same-sex attraction.

I’m just sayin’.

A Review Of The Hurt Locker By Someone Who Hasn’t Seen The Hurt Locker But Wants To Seem Like He Has.

Dude, it was awesome. I can totally see why that movie won an academy award. I especially loved all the references to lockers in the movie. And to the hurting within them.

The movie takes place in … uhh … the 1990s, sometime. It’s the story of this … high school kid that has a locker that is a pretty special locker. But he doesn’t let anyone else see inside the locker. So then there are these other kids that want to see what’s in the locker, but he doesn’t show them. And then this girl shows up and he’s in love with the girl so they go out on dates, and the kids try to get into the locker and one of them does and he disappears.

And then the kid that has the locker goes to school the next day and he’s like, “Hey, someone went into my locker!” But no one will say who did and they’re all like what happened to the guy that tried to go in that other guy’s locker? I mean, what happened to him?!?!

So then a bunch of the movie happens and the guy and the girl end up really liking each other but they can’t get together because things are in the way and all the people who want to know about the guy’s locker keep disappearing and then the Principal of the High School gets suspicious and so he disappears. But the chick from earlier loves the guy whose locker it is so she’s all, “there’s no way he’s responsible for the killings cuz I love him so much and blah blah blah,” like how girls talk.

And then the end happens where the guy catches the girl he loves opening his locker, and he’s all “Noooo! Whyyyy! I told you never to open the locker!” and the locker is full of spikes, and he closes the locker on her and he’s crying and he’s all like, “Welcome to the Hurt Locker.” The end.

And it’s fucked up cuz they were in love.

Spring break is a week long national holiday specifically designed to make college age women do things they’ll later regret. It is a chance for guys who have spiked hair even though it isn’t 1998 anymore to make their pectoral muscles worthy of doing body shots off of. In certain parts of the United States during spring break, a pair of breasts are easier to come by than chicken McNuggets, and have considerably less breading. But spring break, despite its loose morals and looser times, does come with a few potential pitfalls to be avoided if you plan on having a good time. Here at Manolith we feel it is our duty to make sure that people celebrate safely and responsibly, which is why below we have listed the

Top 6 Spring Break Dont’s:

1.  Never Lift Your Shirt Up For Beads That You Are Told ‘I’ve Got Back In My Car’:

I had a friend who fell for this once in 2006. She showed her tits to a guy who said he’d give her beads, but that he had that back in the car, and she should come with him to get them. They got further and further away from where people were hanging out, and eventually she was led into a dark alley where his car was parked far from the celebrating. When they got to his car he asked her to get in and help him root around. She, ever the gullible girl, did as he asked, and when she got in he quickly got in behind her and then they had a great conversation about Yoga, which they both did as a hobby, went out on a date later that week, and this last August they got married.

2. Don’t Drink Anything A Stranger Hands You:

Getting slipped a mickey is known to happen now and again at spring break celebrations, and its better to be safe than sorry. The only person you should ever take a drink from is George Clooney, because even on the off chance that he does slip you a mickey, when you wake up the next morning, nauseous and unable to remember what happened last night, you still got to have sex with George Clooney.

3. Don’t Ever Rent A Jet Ski From Phil Over At Phil’s Jet Skis In La Jolla, California: 

The prices are good, but that guy is an asshole.

4. Don’t Get Into A Conversation With The Guy With The Shirt That Says “Female Body Inspector”:

That guy is not wearing the shirt ironically. He takes his shirt very seriously. He is not dangerous, but he will follow you around asking you if you’re a track star, because you’ve been running through his mind all night. And if you ignore him he’ll think you’re playing hard to get and probably ask you if you’re a track star again.

5. Always Empty Your Bowels Before Beer Bonging: 

Nothing makes it harder to hold in your excretions than being held upside down in the arms of a giant tan guy named “Tad” who is shaking you up and down and screaming at you to “chug”.

6. Try Not To Get Waterboarded:

This is more of a general rule, apply this rule in general.

(Photo Via: PhilScotAndrew)

Unemployment remains at 9.7% nationwide meaning that over 30 million Americans do not have jobs. Those that do have jobs often have jobs that require them to wear a tie they don’t like and get yelled at when they get the wrong coffee for everyone at the lunch meeting. No one does statistics on the amount of people who have jobs they actually like, but I’m willing to bet those are pretty low too. Almost everyone I know, and I know pretty much everyone in America, works some kind of service sector job. Most of my friends have college degrees and they are either out of work, or sitting in a Taco Bell being asked, “Are you sure you don’t have too much experience?”

I think they should start measuring job happiness as fervently and regularly as unemployment, after all, having a job you like is just about as important to your psychological well being as having a job at all. My friends that are scrambling to find work are no less happy than my friends that call me at seven p.m. when they get home and complain about how they had to listen to “Rick” all day telling them to “make sure they grammar check all their emails” even though “Rick” spells tomato with an “e” at the end. Because if you don’t measure job satisfaction, and demand that as an inalienable right, then you end up working in a coal mine for three dollars an hour to pay for a house owned by the company you work for.

Over the course of the last fifty years, more and more jobs have sprung up in the service sector as independent business vanished and was replaced by large multi-nationals who need peons rather than independent thinkers. As a result, where our parents and grandparents once dreamed of “owning their own business” we now dream of “working at Starbucks because at least they have health care and the manager has a Mohawk so he’ll let you do whippits in the storeroom.”

This is not ideal. I say everyone who graduates college in the next five years hold a collective nationwide “work we want strike” and only try to get jobs they actually care about doing. If that many people didn’t enter the workforce to perform menial shitty tasks that no one wants to do, then those tasks would have to get rethought, or eliminated.

I’m fortunate enough to be able to do something I really like for a living, but I had to work really hard and only eat on Tuesdays because they had three for one tacos at Del Taco for like eight years to get to a point where I could do that. Not everyone has the resolve or wants to only eat Del Taco 59 cent tacos for eight years to get to the point I’m at, and it’s high damn time we worked together collectively to say that if more than 60% of the American workforce wakes up every Monday wanting to die because they don’t want to spend 60 hours of their week getting yelled at by some prematurely balding guy they’re smarter than to smile more at the customers, then something had ought to be done.

(Photo Via: Zepfanman)

With Universal officially putting their Kurt Cobain bio pic on the fast track, and a director already picked to helm the film, it’s high time we start thinking of actors who would be able to pull off playing the revered, troubled rock star with all the grace he brought to his own frustration and ennui. Many actors have been tapped for the role, and there are going to be some obvious suggestions–but in the spirit of Kurt Cobain himself, who hated the obvious, here are some suggestions that you might not think of to place Kurt Cobain straight away, but would nonetheless do a fantastic job:

1. William H. Macy

Macy specializes in playing frustrated misanthropes. He may not look much like Kurt Cobain, but no one else in Hollywood is nearly as able to capture suburban angst like William H. Macy. Also, special effects could be employed to make his jawline more ‘depressed looking.’ In fact, William H. Macy has often been referred to by friends and coworkers as “The Kurt Cobain of fifty-plus-year-old emotionally-stable successful men who get along well with their friends.”

2. Common

Let’s face it, a Kurt Cobain biopic appeals to a very specialized audience. What better way to draw more people to the film than by having Kurt Cobain be played by rapper and rising screen star Common? His exceptional and nuanced performance as Sir Ivy in “Smokin’ Aces” laid the foundation, and proved that he could employ the twin acting tools of both looking angry while you are shooting at someone, and crying after you have been shot.

3. Claire Danes

Claire Danes is an exceptional actress. And with her recent star-remaking turn in “Temple Grandin” she has proved that she can pull off a biopic. And since Kurt Cobain is more or less Temple Grandin, minus the autism, she would be perfect for the role. Plus she and Kurt Cobain have a lot in common. They both wore plaid all through the ’90s, both of them list their favorite movie as “All Dogs Go To Heaven,” and they both get aroused when you tickle the small of their back with a feather.

Source

4. Jar Jar Binks

He just needs the money. Somebody, anybody, help him.

Source

5. Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrel

They all managed to band together to play Heath Ledger when he died before completing his work on “The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus,” and all are actors at the height of their careers and abilities. In addition, through a tragic twist of fate, while on the set of “The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus” they were accidentally glued together with a powerful adhesive that the costume department had been using that fell over and onto them during the filming of a scene. There is no known solvent to melt the adhesive. So ever since then Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell have been glued together and had to do everything together. Jude Law has complained that the worst part about it is having to be there while, “Colin goes to the bathroom,” because, according to Jude Law, he is, “so very noisy and messy.”

Yemen was the country previously best known for being the place no one knew anything about. But it turns out that Yemeni culture has some interesting traits, like the fact that it is dominated by a highly-regressive and -repressive patriarchy where women are little more than prizes to be shuffled around between (often) vicious men who treat them as outlets for their repressed frustrations. Apparently girls as young as eight years of age are married off to men sometimes in their fifties in order to secure dowries or to unite families. Nujood, a young Yemeni girl, was ten years old when she was married off to a man in his thirties whose shocking violence caused her to take to the courthouse and declare a landmark decision that she be allowed to divorce him.

These things are very rarely included in tourism brochures, in fact I recently picked up a tourism brochure for Yemen that said, “Come for the rolling hills, stay for the fact that girls as young as eight are in no way forced to marry men much older than them!” As it turns out, that brochure was printing a bald-faced lie.

Far be it from me to question the practices of another culture outside my own, but I will say I think that Yemen has made a very positive step forward in allowing ten-year-old girls to divorce their husbands. Now all they need to be a modern society is to either make it illegal for men to force children to marry them, or Netflix. Either way would be good with me.

(Photo Via: The Princess Dress Up)

There are a few staple meats that pretty much everybody in America has had at one time or another. A large percentage of people in the United States typically eat beef, pork and chicken. Although beef is slowly destroying the environment through carbon emission, and cattle runoff is creating huge dead zones in the ocean, people still eat quite a bit of it because it’s hard to change our habits, they don’t generally think long term, and McDonald’s is their master.

However, there are many meats out there that are less omnipresent in our society, yet are much better for the world, and often just as tasty. Here below are just a few of them.

1. Rabbit

Rabbits are a white meat. They taste like a slightly juicier version of chicken, and can be prepared in a variety of ways. The only problem with rabbits is, if you eat the wrong one, there will be no Easter.

2. Lamb

Lamb is like beef, but healthier for you, and better for the environment. It is a little harder to eat lamb because lambs are adorable, but just remember this simple equation: the more adorable something is, the tastier it is. That is why the best tasting thing on the planet is Zooey Deschanel riding a baby dolphin into a pile of Teletubbies.

3. Buffalo

Much, much healthier than beef, and just as tasty. Buffalo tastes like steak but without all the fat. It is a little harder to find, but buffalo meat is exceptional for its taste, its texture, and the best part is every buffalo comes with a secret prize somewhere on the buffalo, usually a fun flip book, or a slide whistle–which is why the Native Americans always used the whole buffalo–to get to the secret prize.

4. Duck

Duck is more or less like dark-meat chicken. It has very good skin for crisping, and goes well with most vegetables and a wide variety of wines. Not to mention the added benefit that their stem cells can be used to make futuristic hand grenades.

With Sarah Palin being groomed by the Republican party to become the next president of the United States, and Barack Obama’s ratings slipping ever lower, it might be high time to prepare for the oncoming complete dissolution of the separation of church and state. But not to worry, yes the founding fathers believed in the necessity of the separation of church and state, but just because they didn’t like it didn’t mean it’s all bad. There are certainly pitfalls inherent in living under a theocratic regime, for instance people living in Iran have had their complaints. But there have been some pretty fun theocracies too. Anyone who has ever lived under a Jedi master (light side of the force) has had nothing but positive things to say about it from what I can recall.

With the impending Palin Theocracy in mind, it’s high time we took a look at the many BENEFITS OF LIVING IN A THEOCRACY.

1. Church bake sales.

Sure, church can be boring, and long, and often the air conditioning is broken. On the other hand, church bake sales are world renowned for their incredible meat loaf, and wide variety of sugar cookies. In a Palin Theocracy, church bake sales are not only going to be prevalent, they will also be mandatory. People who do not attend a church bake sale at least once a week will meet with stiff fines, prison time, and if they are repeat offenders, they will be forced to race in a futuristic version of Nascar where the cars are equipped with weapons and the last person alive is the winner.

2. Less to have to read in order to sound informed.

In a Theocracy most literature is frowned upon. Most reading material is banned, and the only books available will be the King James Bible, Joel Osteen Self-Help Cookbooks, and Kirk Cameron’s autobiography. This will make it easy to sound well informed when hanging out at your local coffee shop. Dave Eggers will try to lead a revolution against the removal of great literature, immediately be deported to France, and since the French outlawed emotional resonance in 1988, he will sink into obscurity.

3. Uniforms.

Theocracies are most effective when they discourage unique expression. Which sounds bad, but sometimes there are downsides to unique expression, particularly the pressure to continually buy new and interesting ironic t-shirts. When Sarah Palin or “Girly Jesus,” as she will demand to be called, institutes the Clothing Conformity Act of 2014, all clothing will be burned and replaced with gender neutral jumpsuits. The jumpsuits will come complete with thick padding to render the wearer seemingly sexless, and a tazer that automatically goes off whenever the wearer thinks about sex, Communism, or R-rated films.

4. Communion host.

The little wafers that you’re supposed to eat at the end of a church service. In a theocracy they have host vending machines everywhere. And host tastes amazing.

5. P.O.D. made official “House Band of the Entire United States.”

Christian Rap Rock heroes P.O.D. have been struggling to gain a foothold in our current democratic United States. Mostly because people in a democracy tend to like drinking booze, making out with people, and music that isn’t embarrassing. When the Palin Theocracy comes into power P.O.D. will finally get the recognition they deserve. They will get to live in the White House, tour 300 days of the year, and preside over military tribunals.

The Utah House and Senate this week passed a bill criminalizing women who attempt abortion through their own means outside of the normal legal channels. In addition the bill contains wording that makes it potentially possible to charge a woman with murder if she “engages in reckless behavior” that unintentionally induces a miscarriage. In other words, if the bill is signed by the governor of Utah it is theoretically going to be possible to charge a woman who drinks while she is pregnant and has a miscarriage with murder.

Now then, Utah is the state famous for being controlled by Mormons who have what they refer to as “traditional values” when it comes to the ladies. So it is not unexpected that the state would pass laws giving men even more control over the bodies of women than they already legally have. But come on Utah, you’ve come so far. You’ve given us the creators of “Gentlemen Broncos” and “Napoleon Dynamite,” which are hilarious. “SLC Punk” was a pretty cool movie. I heard you’ve even let there be coffee shops in your state. We all appreciate the advances you’ve made. Also, polygamy–props for polygamy, you guys are way ahead of us on that one. But come on guys, women are people too. How about we let them make their own decisions and not put them in jail for life for them. Look, nobody likes “The View,” we all agree that women have made a bad decision by allowing it to continue to be on TV, but no one thinks its a good idea to throw women who watch “The View” in jail. So I’ll tell you what Utah, let’s give women the right to choose and to watch “The View”, and in exchange they will continue to let you have sex with them.

Whaddya say?

Nothing says time-honored, prestigious film festival like a pile of farting ogres. Yes, oh yes, “Shrek 4: Shrek Forever After” will debut at the Tribeca Film Festival in New York this year, making independent filmmakers, who have worked their whole lives and crafted harrowing and deeply personal films to get accepted into the festival, realize that what they should of done was spend $150 million dollars to create a 3D rendered image of a hot tub powered by passed gas.

Tribeca has long been a festival that went out of its way to get recognition for under-the-radar, dark or unusually compelling films that wouldn’t necessarily get the attention they had ought to get because the directors forget to include a scene where Will Smith walks away from an explosion in slow motion. However, the festival has also traditionally always started with a giant blockbuster movie to draw crowds: past films starting the festival include “Star Wars II: The Attack Of The Clones,” “The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” and “Spider Man 3″—and if those films are any indication, then “Shrek 4″ should expect to completely fail its objectives, do poorly, and be almost universally reviled.

Expect several fan favorite jokes to reoccur in the new Shrek movie including having Starbucks be renamed something medieval in the background of a shot, Shrek passing gas when he had ought for the sake of decorum not do so, and a donkey speaking out of turn.

Joseph Stack, the guy who took the law and his life into his own hands by crashing into an IRS office, is being lauded as a hero by some right-wing anti-government groups and probably Patrick Swayze’s character in “Next of Kin.”

J.J. McNab, a guy who is a writing a book about something, said of Joseph Stack, “He did the ultimate flipping of the bird to the man.” Last time I checked every time I flip somebody off, nothing explodes, which does make his bird flipping pretty rad compared to mine, but that is still no excuse for vigilantism like Stack’s.

Vigilantism looks awesome when the ninja turtles do it. It is always fun to watch Bruce Willis take the law into his own hands and bust a few heads. But in reality if a bunch of turtles got a bunch of ancient Japanese weapons and tried to kill a guy things would, I assure you, go terribly, terribly wrong. I don’t care how fun those turtles were to hang out with, or no matter how often they let you have some of their pizza, problems would still arise as a result of their unsupervised violence.

In fact, I have long advocated against giving turtles any kind of powers whatsoever, be they Samurai or non-Samurai. But turtles aren’t the only ones who shouldn’t use random acts of violence to address their grievances. Joseph Stack, like the ninja turtles, should not use violence to solve his problems.

Everybody hates something about the government, and most people hate something about the IRS. Thomas Jefferson suggested we rebel every twenty years, even overthrow the government if it becomes too corrupt. But violence is not conducive to positive rebellion. Sure the government, ninja turtles, Bruce Willis, and Patrick Swayze’s character in “Next of Kin” are all violent, but that doesn’t mean we have to lower ourselves to their level. Our grievances should be dealt with through education and public discourse.

The only logical reason a plane should ever be flown into a building is if the building is owned by a rich old man who bought all the ice cream in the world and he won’t share it, and all the ice cream is in that building, and flying a plane into his building will make all the ice cream fly into bowls so we can eat the ice cream.

(Photo Via: Nbc)

It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know how or why. But Curling, the Winter Olympic sport where averagely in-shape older men brush at ice with brooms while a usually bald guy slowly rolls a chunk of granite forward, is somehow genuinely fun to watch.

For some reason it has appeal. It sort of feels like watching your uncles sitting on the porch relaxing on rocking chairs and enjoying a casual conversation about the day’s events. It just feels good. To be upfront, I’m not a huge sports enthusiast to begin with. The first sports event I ever truly enjoyed was the Superbowl this year, and even that was mostly just because I thought it was funny that the commercials were all so sexist.

But curling is strangely addictive. It is very slow paced. All the guys are wearing badly designed spandex, they all look like Superheroes whose power is to be really good at riding a mountain bike. There are longish breaks between the action. Brooms and sweeping in general do not evoke a sense of intense competition. The sport itself has no adrenaline to it. It’s pretty hard to imagine an argument during a curling competition resulting in all-out brawl. No one has ever lost a tooth or been punched so hard their spine fractured over an argument about where a curling stone landed.

If sports originated, or at least came to it’s modern recognizable form, in the gladiator arenas of Rome, where slaves were given dull swords to fight tigers and elephants to the death, curling is the sports equivalent of a chihuahua. It is the breed of sport that has evolved so far away from its wolf origins that it now spends most of its time shivering and being fitted for tiaras.

Nonetheless, give Curling a second glance, the precision with which the guys must accurately land the stone in the target is engaging, and there is a shitload of fuck-you-screwing-over-the-other-team in the sport. The best Curlers are constantly knocking the other team’s stones out of the target, and it is always fun to watch one group of people screw over another group of people.

I’m not gonna go out and buy a skin tight spandex “Cheryl Bernard” jersey and Canada Curling Association foam finger or anything, but if you’ve got nothing to do at five in the afternoon and you get basic cable and Law and Order: SVU is a rerun, and your loved one is busy somewhere else, and you don’t have access to video games, and you don’t have access to books, and your car is in the shop so you can’t go anywhere, and it’s raining really hard so there’s nothing to do outside, and you’re over your cell phone minutes so you can’t call anybody, and you’ve already watched all your DVDs, and you’ve gotten arrested on DUI charges three times so you have an ankle bracelet that prevents you from walking somewhere, and there are no magazines or pamphlets lying around the house you haven’t read yet, give Curling a chance.

President Barack Obama held key meetings this week to defend his economic policies in, of all places Las Vegas. The city, not known for being spendthrift, may have held some appeal to Obama’s handlers but still, I mean come on. Metaphorically speaking Las Vegas isn’t exactly the best place to hold an economic summit. Nothing reminds people of Obama’s message that we need to all work together and tighten our belts for the difficult times ahead like a city where you can walk into a fully realized Roman throne room and buy a fifteen foot tall solid platinum gorilla. I can only imagine the sound of slot machines didn’t do much to add an air of credibility to Obama’s message that he feels confident he can get all the money back that America spent on the bailout.

I mean, if you’re going to hold a press conference on fiscal responsibility in Las Vegas, why not go all the way with it and have the conference take place in the middle of a Cirque Du Soleil show taking place on the head of the MGM Grand Lion while Blink-182, Wayne Newton, and Mike Tyson sing a song about buying a Maserati in the background.

I can only hope that the United Nations doesn’t take a cue from the misguided Obama administration as regardless their lack of thought about the effect of one’s surroundings and hold the most important meeting on Global Warming in history in an incredibly cold and snowy part of the world, like Copenhagen.

But this isn’t the first, or the worst time that an important meeting has been held in an ironic location. Here are just a few more:

1. 2003, PETA’s “Why Animals Are People Too” summit, held at Porky Dave’s BBQ N’ Gulp: PETA, in an effort to save money, found the restaurant that had the absolute cheapest rental fee in the city of Austin for a meeting of their top brass to discuss how to promote animal rights in a more effective way to the population at large. The meeting had to come to an abrupt ending when two employees carrying a barrel of pig knuckles tripped over a microphone chord and spilled one hundred and thirty pounds of pig knuckles all over Brooke Shields, who had been scheduled to chair the meeting.

2. 1998, Los Angeles Police Dept.’s “Books Not Guns: How To Get Kids Interested In Learning And Out Of Gangs”, at Snoop Dogg’s House. Snoop Dogg generously donated the west-wing of his Compton mansion (as part of his community service) to the LAPD so that they might have a quiet environment in which to discuss their new program. High level LAPD officers accepted the offer, out of touch with popular culture, believing Snoop Dogg to be some sort of avid Peanuts fan. The meeting took a turn for the worst when a bunch of area Crips stopped by to play pool. The subsequent shootout left three gang members badly injured, two police officers had their hats shot off, and the program had to be shut down for two years before it could be resuscitated.

3. 1974, The World Premiere of the movie “Jaws”, held inside the mouth of a giant shark. No one knows why they thought this would be a good idea. But after Roy Scheider was quickly eaten going inside the shark for the premiere, everyone else hesitated to go in, and they decided to re-evaluate their original plan and have the premiere at a theater in New York instead.

Some have also argued that the lack of women represented on the Supreme Court women has to do with a history of sexism and oppression of women, but I would argue it is because so few women can successfully do the quarter trick.

Those that can have gone on, however, to be some of the most important constitutional guardians in the history of our nation, plus Ruth Bader-Ginsburg can suck a bowling ball through a silly straw.

Here below is the official MANOLITH list of the sexiest  Female Supreme Court Justices.

1. Sandra Day O’ Connor

Born just outside of El Paso, Texas, a childhood spent on a cattle ranch is what gave Sandra Day O’ Connor what Clarence Thomas described as, “Thighs that could break the neck on a biker.” Sandra Day O’ Connor went to Radford School For Girls, an all-girl’s high school, where she learned arithmetic, poise, and how to pillow fight without getting split ends. As if that wasn’t sexy enough she attended Stanford University where she received a bachelors in Economics, and later a bachelor of Laws. Cementing her sexy cred with twin degrees from the one of the most prestigious (and hot) universities in America, she then became a Groupie for Morris Day and the Time, and spent most of her twenties satisfying Morris Day in exchange for lodging and access to the catering truck.

1.Ruth Bader-Ginsburg

Ruth Bader-Ginsburg, or as she is known on the Supreme Court “Ahhhhh Shit!”, was the first Supreme Court justice to argue for the need for a disco ball, limbo bar, and Malibu Rum fountain at the Supreme Court so that she could, and I quote, “Get my fucking drink on.” Ruth Bader-Ginsburg is well known for her belief in the need for an equality doctrine for men and women being established as a constitutional principle, and also for partying first and asking questions later. Ruth Bader-Ginsberg has cultivated the “Vulture look,” where you deliberately let your net get long and crooked and then have your hands shrivel until they look like claws, which teen girls across the country are emulating. “I like the look because it’s so hot, and also because it relaxes your throat,” say Minny Wilkins, a high school senior from Orange County, California. When Mrs. Bader-Ginsburg isn’t busy advocating for abortion rights, or striking down Nebraska’s partial-birth abortion laws in the seminal case Stenberg vs. Carhart, she can be seen on the new Girls Gone Wild Video “Supreme Court Sluts” sitting without her shirt on in a hot tub full of pina colada mix.

3. Samuel Alito

Though there have only been three female Supreme Court justices, the official MANOLITH list of sexy female Supreme Court justices includes male justice Samuel Alito rather than Sonia Sotomayor. Some have argued that the lack of women represented on the official MANOLITH list of Supreme Court Justices has to do with a history of sexism and oppression of women, but as I have argued it is more likely because so few women can successfully do the quarter trick. And yes, that implies that Samuel Alito is exceptional at the quarter trick.

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