1. Talk To Your Girlfriend:  She’s been right there the whole time. Patiently waiting for you to turn to her, to ask her about her day, to tell her about your day. Her arms folded in her lap. Her apron pressed and clean. A broom in one hand, and a steak in the other. She shaved down there because she knew your sexuality was connected to youth. But you were too busy yelling obscenities at fourteen year olds who were better than you at Call of Duty to notice. Use this opportunity to reconnect. This could very well be the thing that saves your relationship until several hours from now when the Sony network goes back online and you can only get aroused physically by the thought of a winning the medal for most head shots in a single round of play.

2. Talk To A Girl, Any Girl: While it’s not technically true that all hardcore gamers have trouble talking to women, it is in fact technically true. Those problems are exacerbated when its four p.m. they haven’t showered in four days, and they’re sitting in their underwear with the shades closed taking Excedrin to dull the headache that they’ve developed from playing video games to long, so that they can keep playing. Now might be a good time to slap some baking soda up under those arm pits, pull the curtains back, and talk to a gal or two.  Start of easy. Wait in the darkness until the mail lady comes by, then when she is about to put your mail in the mail box, strike up a conversation. Whatever you do, do not talk about the mail, how much you cry, or “Battlestar Galactica”.

3. Read a Book: What are books, you might ask. Books are like video games that you can’t play. Instead of you controlling the action, the action is predetermined by someone you’ve never met who controls exactly where the action is headed and you are merely along for the ride. Sound fascist? Well, yeah, I guess it does sound pretty fascist. Books are like fascist video games. Do not read them. They can go to hell.

4. Call Mom and Dad A Call: They miss you. They remember a son who liked the outdoors. Who delighted at the feel of a warm ray of sunlight falling through the trees and dappling his face with light. Do not talk to them in person, because frankly your pale gamer skin, desire not to wear pants in your own house, and your severe case of “permanent Mountain Dew” jitters will only sadden them.  Just call them, and say things to them like, “I am doing well,” and, “I think I’m going to go back to community college.” Do not say things to them like, “I just got hit by a frag grenade on a prison planet made of ice in the fictional reality I’ve made my new home.”

5. Get Some Exercise: You don’t even have to leave your house. There are all sorts of fun exercises you can do in the comfort of your own home. Exercises like push-ups, sit-ups, and the always popular running from the far end of your studio apartment to the near end. If you eat an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos after having exercised, the exercise does not count.

“I do not endorse this project in any way,” John Mayer was quoted as saying late last week.

The album entitled, “Go Back to Africa!” is a mix of smooth jazz, acoustic guitar, and brutal late 19th century racism. While the album has been praised for its thoughtful chord progression and creative rhymes, the lyrics themselves have met with a heavy wall of criticism.

John Mayer’s penis originally got the idea for the album when it woke up one night while John Mayer was asleep and realized it was sentient. It then spent the next six months writing down ideas for songs while John Mayer slept, using a notepad that John always kept on the bed near his penis.

“I don’t know why I kept a notepad and pencils near my penis while I slept. And now, I regret that decision,” said John Mayer at a press conference, denouncing his penis.

John Mayer’s penis has himself been blunt about Mr. Mayer, “He washes me too much,” the penis began, “but more than that, frankly, we just don’t see eye to eye on the issue of race relations and I don’t know how we’re going to come a solution we both feel comfortable with.”

John Mayer’s penises new album “Go Back To Africa!” can be purchased online or at a very few Wal-Marts in the deep, deep South.

Second, they always seem to have just enough forehead acne for it to be creepy. There’s nothing wrong with a little acne, but stalkers seem to almost intentionally grow it in a place where it sheds an eerie shadow over their eyes to add to their strangeness. It’s almost like they cultivate acne on the part of their forehead that makes them seem the most like they spend their time sweating feverishly and writing in tiny, creepy letters in their journals.

Finally, stalkers seem incapable of realizing they should open their eyes all the way when someone takes their picture. Nothing guarantees you are going to look terrifying more than staring emotionlessly with your eyes all the way open in a picture. You might as just declare yourself guilty right then and there, because as soon as a jury sees that picture they’re going to say, “Why can’t he seem to keep his eyes closed at a reasonable level? Cased closed.”

(image via Oliverwillis.com)

Hey guys, this is Coal. Yes, this is the actual product Coal itself talking. You know, a lot of people having been calling me, and the gathering of me unsafe. Well, I just wanted to let you guys know that that couldn’t be further from the truth. And I thought, what better forum than an online men’s entertainment blog to make my case for myself?

Listen, I’ve been around for a long time guys. Heating your houses, powering your trains, turning myself into diamonds for your wedding rings, I do a lot of good. All this hum drum about me giving of Co2 couldn’t be further from the truth. Why would I expel a chemical that hurts you guys? I love you guys! The only thing I expel is good will towards all men. Ask anybody! Or you can just ask me, Coal, I’ll tell it to ya straight!

OK, I’ll be honest. I give off a little Co2. Just a little. But come on, man. Without me, how are you going to barbecue? What’s that you say? You could use propane? Wood? Or a variety of other cleaner burning fuels? Hey, man, why don’t you back off. Why don’t you just back right off.

Hey, hey. I’m sorry about that. I got a little out of my head there for a second. I am Coal after all, sometimes I can get a little heated. Ha. Ha. So hey, we’re friends right? It’s cool.

Now I’d like to address another concern a few people have brought up. They say the gathering of me is unsafe. Come now. For shame. Nothing could be further from the truth. What do you mean I already used that phrase? So what? It’s a good phrase.

I am very safe to harvest. Coal mines aren’t like they portray them on the news. Miners work all day gathering me inside them, singing Bruce Springsteen songs. Often times the friendly animals that live in the mine will join in with the songs. Friendly animals like water snakes, bats, razor spiders, and scavenger beetles.  And, as is common knowledge, rich veins of Strawberry Kool-Aid always run parallel to veins of Coal, so when they’re mining for me, often miners will accidentally strike a Strawberry Kool-Aid vein and get doused in a refreshing spray of sugary, fruity goodness.

What’s that? You say coal mines aren’t like that? Well, I’m Coal, so I think I would know what are in the mines that I’m in.

What’s that? You can watch video footage of life in a coal mine on Youtube and no one was singing with a bat or getting sprayed with Kool-Aid?

OK fine, I made some of that stuff up. So what if I’m highly polluting and people that gather me are subject to lung disease and other more immediate dangers?  I make hot dogs taste great! I made hot dogs taste fucking great! Have you tried a hot dog cooked with propane? It’s not the same! It’s still very good but it’s not the same!

I’m… so… alone. Won’t someone, anyone, gather and process me? I’m so very… alone.

(Photo Via: Historic Commons)

On account of all that old wackiness some very enjoyable sayings became commonplace that are now less so. Here are just a few fun ones that I think we should start saying again:

1. There’s more than one way to skin a cat.

2. I haven’t seen you in a dog’s age.

3. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

4. A witch on fire is worth three tied to a large stone and dropped in the lake.

5. Put all your bodies in the donkey cart before you send your donkey cart off to the mass burnings held to stave off the spread of the plague.

6. A watched pot never boils.

7. Eighty flies in your mouth does not a meal make.

8. If your wife questions your judgment make her sleep outside in the rain.

9. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

10. If you see an escaped slave, shoot him. Shoot him and then come tell me.

Reports indicate that teen pregnancy and birth rates have dropped two percent from a recent spike in teen pregnancies that had government officials worried. Government officials are gladdened by the drop in teen pregnancy and site a number of reasons for the decline including, “teenagers just aren’t as attractive as they used to be, more teenagers are living on the second floor so it’s harder for their boyfriends to sneak in their windows,” and by far the most common explanation, “Pulling out now works.”

“I used to get pregnant two or three times a week,” said Jennifer, a teenager, “now I rarely, if ever, get pregnant.”

“Ever since I got my promise ring I’ve been doing it anally, so that I’m still a virgin until I’m married,” said Lily, a Christian teen who is wrong about that, but should not be corrected.

Stories like this are popping up all over the country. And as long as teenagers continue to have sex less, or have sex in the wrong parts of their bodies, the birth rate among teenagers is going to decrease. Lower teenage birth rates lead to all sorts of benefits for society. Teenagers who aren’t pregnant are more likely to graduate from High School, go to college, get drunk at a party where they then make mistakes they’ll later regret, and become property owners as adults.

Another important contributing factor is that Matthew Mcconaughey’s character from Dazed and Confused has finally been arrested. Officers reported that he was easy to detain, and totally awesome to hang out with.

Rarely do machines come out that are hailed as the next phase in the evolution of technology. The car. The first computer. iCarly. But some machines are so revolutionary that they demand to be acknowledged as exactly that. The iPad is one of those machines.

The ipad can function as a book, be used for video, email, photos, maps, phone, music, calendar, and so much more. Steve Jobs has touted the iPad as, “being really, really super,” and more applications and features are coming out for it every day. But the iPad can’t do everything, yet. Here below is a list of just some of the things the Apple has planned for the next iteration of the iPad to be able to do:

1. Babysit.

10. Be passive aggressive when you ask it who left the toilet seat up last night.

Originally planned as an ol’ fashioned 2d romp, “Clash Of The Titans” was pulled into the 3d verse when producers saw how great “Avatar” did box-office wise and wanted to capitalize on the film’s success. While I have been asking forever to have a theater going experience where I can feel like Sam Worthington is actually sweating directly onto me, the film apparently suffers as a result. Since the action was never meant to be 3d there aren’t a whole lot of exciting 3d moments, and the film tends to drag. How Hollywood could make two hours of Gods fighting human beings using giant scorpions and naked snake women as their evil pawns boring is beyond my ability to discern, but that seems to be what has happened. Nonetheless, if Hollywood is absolutely determined to shove 3d into lots of movies where it wasn’t supposed to be, I’ve got a few movies I’d like to see made 3d. Here below are my top 10 choices for movies that should be remade 3d.

1. Remains  Of The Day

10. Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?

Charlie Sheen has long been known for his ability to continue be on the show “Two And A Half Men”. Before that he had the ability to be in “Wall Street”, “Platoon”, and the multiple Academy Award winning “Hot Shots: Part Deux!”.  Now Charlie Sheen may no longer be on “Two And A Half Men”, no matter, I say. For Charlie Sheen has lots of abilities besides being able to be on that show. So rather than mourn the loss of Charlie Sheen on what God has referred to as “My Way Of Fucking With You Guys”, we should celebrate his ability to do other things. Here below is a list of of just some of the things Charlie Sheen could easily do besides being on “Two And A Half Men.”

1. Wander aimlessly around a Goodwill: Charlie Sheen would definitely be capable of waking up early, eating a half-eaten old piece of pizza stuck to the couch, polishing off the Whiskey he didn’t drink the night before, and then spending the rest of the day wandering around a Goodwill looking disheveled. He could run his hands through his hair and look around, looking back down whenever he connected looks with someone, and then pick up a broken phone, stare at it for a while, then put it back down and continue wandering.

2. Try to convince CBS to pick up a new pilot he wrote called “Three Men And Two Halves Of A Man,” which is a sitcom following the adventures of Three adult bachelors and two children: And when the CBS executives reply, “This seems a lot like ‘Two And A Half Men’, but with more men and children,” Charlie could smile and nod knowingly and say, “Exactly.”

3. Spill Hot Coffee On Himself And Sue Burger King: Charlie Sheen has very weak, flammable skin, as a recent Harvard Study indicates. It would be very advantageous then for him to try to take advantage of this physical handicap and make some serious money off of Burger King. When the Burger King lawyers tried to argue that the coffee wasn’t that hot, he could retort, “But my whole arm erupted in a sea of flame!” And then, after winning the lawsuit, he could roll around in his millions, before spending them on hair care products, which he can’t seem to get enough of.

4. Donate Semen: Now, most clinics that take semen won’t take Charlie’s semen anymore, ever since he walked into a clinic in Los Angeles last year and started masturbating in the middle of filling out the questionnaire.  So he’ll have to go through back alley places to spill and sell his seed. But it will combine his dual favorite hobbies of masturbating in front of a stranger and getting paid to do so.

5. Stand Outside of Oliver Stone’s Mansion And Shout Angrily Up At Oliver’s Bedroom Window…… That Shia Labeouf Is No Charlie Sheen: Oliver Stone chose to cast Shia rather than Charlie as the young protege of Gordon Gecko in the new Wall Street sequel. So what better time for Charlie to complain about that choice than after not being on “Two And A Half Men.” When Oliver shouts down for Charlie to leave or he’ll call the police, Charlie can then retort, “Fine! I’ll leave! But I just wanted… you to know that… listen. Can I borrow some of your food? I really could use some of that food of yours.”

I had the good fortune to be sent by Manolith to screen “Don McKay”, the latest movie to star the brilliant/ physically imposing Thomas Haden Church, and to sit down the director Jake Goldberger, Thomas Haden Church, and Elizabeth Shue. I interviewed them all yesterday, and though I  ended up getting a parking ticket, it was totally worth it. That’s right, interviewing Thomas Haden Church, Elisabeth Shue, and Jake Goldberger is at least worth $45.00 plus a $2.00 over the phone payment transaction fee.

The film “Don McKay’ is a darkly comic thriller along the lines of “Blood Simple”, “Don McKay”, and “Other Films In That Genre”.  It was very funny. The tone of the film is not at all imparted by the poster, which makes the movie seem like it’s going to be a depressing, terrifying journey into the psyche of a madman. The movie is actually about a misanthropic janitor who travels back to his hometown after being invited by a girl he went out with briefly in high school, and is subsequently pulled into an ever crazier web of hilarious intrigue. There is so much death and dying in this film it can’t not be funny.  The intensely dark sense of humor the film has is even more surprising when you actually meet the director, who laughs like a puppy.

Thomas Haden Church has long been a favorite of mine partly because he’s strong enough that if I disliked him I would worry that he would come for me, and partly because he generally picks smart, dark, funny roles. Thomas is best known for his roles in “Sideways”, “Wings”, and his portrayal of “Goban Toba” in Ys Book I & 2.

Elisabeth Shue is another favorite of mine, and has been since I saw “Leaving Las Vegas” a movie about making the entire audience deeply depressed for at least a week.

I got to sit down with the two of them to talk about “Don McKay”, and we also ended up talking about  auditions, and how Thomas Haden Church fucked up his hand and DIY fixed it himself, because apparently Thomas Haden Church is the toughest man alive:

Dan: What happened to your hand?

Thomas Haden Church: [I] smashed it between two fifty pound salt blocks.

-and then before anyone could ask what he did next:

Thomas Haden Church: I drilled it out myself. With a drill. I made the nanny faint.

(at this point me and Elisabeth both make horrified, yet impressed noises for the next several minutes)

We somehow transitioned from that to the audition process:

Thomas Haden Church: When I first came to L.A. I quickly became aware that when I would go into a casting office or to meet with a director or something. I was always sunken into a couch, and they were in chairs looming over me. That’s why when I was a young actor, and I would go into auditions, I would stand up so I wouldn’t be in a sunken couch with every other sap that came in here today.

Dan: So what’s the worst audition experience you’ve ever had.

Thomas Haden Church: They’re all horrible.

Elisabeth Shue: Yeah, there are no good ones.

Thomas Haden Church: Honestly, most of the roles I’ve gotten weren’t even through auditions.

Elisabeth Shue: I think that’s true for a lot of good actors. Because I think as an actor you need reality, if you’re really that kind of person who likes to express themselves in an honest way. You need some sort of reality.

Dan: What about “Don McKay” what attracted you both to the film?

Elisabeth Shue: What attracted me to the movie was the chance to work with [Tom]. And then on top of that it was a great character. I love playing characters that are on the edge. I think great characters have to be on the edge, about to fall over. And I was scared to play her. Whenever I read something and I go “I don’t think I can pull this one off”. Then I know I have to do it.

Thomas Haden Church: The first time I read the script I loved how disconnected he was, which made me uncomfortable. Because he’s a totally non verbal guy and I’m a hyper verbal guy. And uncomfortable is a really challenging place to start.

- With that interview done, and having gone fabulously well, we all exchanged information and agreed that we should get an apartment together in the big city and have lots of crazy adventures, learning a little something about ourselves in the process.

I then sat down with the Director/Writer Jake Goldberger, who was about my age, except successful. The first thing I noticed about him was that he smelled great. The second thing I noticed was that he was a young guy. Only 32 years old, Jake Goldberger has the talented eye of someone who was at least 33 or 34. “Don McKay” is a great first film, funny, smart, challenging, and full of murders. And I was hoping that Jake Goldberger would be at least two out of four of those things.

Dan: This is your first big thing right?

Jake: First big anything. It’s been a crazy ride. This was a real labor of love obviously. It took me seven years to fucking do, so, like I had to move back in with my parents, which is very humbling as a thirty year old. Literally in my twin bed, painted blue walls, Motley Crue poster, trundle.

Dan: You never took down the Crue poster huh?

Jake: Every day I’d wake up with Vince Neil, Doctor Feelgood, holding a huge drill in my face.

Dan: Is he thrusting at you? Those guys do a lot of thrusting.

Jake: Yeah he’s leaning out, at you. But he’s a doctor you know, you gotta respect that.

Dan: Perhaps that’s where you get your desire to write about violence from. I noticed that in your movie. I think pretty much, even people that aren’t in your movie, die in your movie.

Jake: [Laughing] I wanted to do something that accommodated my sense of humor. It’s the type of movie I would want to see. Often times life situations, if you’re having a really bad day, you just wanna step back and say, this is so horrible, that it’s funny.

- Then we got off track and talked about how it was a problem that I thought “Precious” was funny. Jake’s a really nice guy, and “Don McKay” is as dark and funny as Jake is laid back and comfortable. If you’re looking for a noir thriller amidst all the spring time Hollywood claptrap about training dragons and hot chicks getting with not so hot guys, give “Don McKay” a chance, you’ll be very pleasantly surprised. And by “pleasantly surprised” I mean “enjoying lots of killing and misanthropy”.

“It’s a smooth ride,” Barack was quoted as saying, “and it has tons of cup holders, something American car companies have always been great about including.” Hoping to curtail the Liberal backlash against the Hummer early, Barack has set aside each Saturday to drive around in his Hummer giving homosexuals he sees around town the “thumbs up”.

It has been disclosed by an anonymous source that Barack refuses to let Joe Biden drive the Hummer.

But the President’s efforts to court Republican favor haven’t stopped at the Hummer. Other recent moves from the Obama administration to court Republicans include pushing through legislation requiring women “not to get too cocky”, driving out to MIT to personally give Noam Chomsky the finger, and owning a bald eagle, which he has sit on his shoulder at press conferences.

Political history is rife with awkward moments. Presidential political history is no different. The time George Bush Sr. threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister. The time Richard Nixon sneered for so long his face just stayed that way. The time Bill Clinton got caught eating out every single woman on a double-decker English bus without their consent. The time Harry Truman dropped two atomic bombs on Japan. The time Martin Van Buren caught his beard caught in a cotton gin. The time James K. Polk got drunk and ran around town kicking pigeons until he was arrested. The time Woodrow Wilson was racist for his entire life. The time George Bush Jr. was President.

The Obama administration has done a fairly good job of marketing Barack Obama as a handsome, intelligent, capable man. His Presidency has thus far been light on gaffs, snafus, and embarrassments. That is until recently, when Barack Obama sat down to a private Seder dinner with his family. This is how I imagine it went.

The Obama Family Seder Dinner

by Daniel Dominguez

The Obamas all sit down to a quiet family Seder.

Barack Obama
Alright guys, who wants to say grace?

Michelle Obama
Barack, I don’t think we do that during Seder.

Barack Obama
Michelle, don’t be silly. Seder is a holy time, a special time, and a special time should always begin with
a prayer. I’ll begin, “Dear Jesus, we want to celebrate this special Jewish day by remembering how you are the son of God, the foretold Messiah-”

Michelle Obama
Barack, I really don’t think that’s correct.

Barack Obama
Michelle, how could it not be correct? I’m the President of the United States.

Michelle Obama
I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t come up a lot on Jewish holidays.

Barack Obama
Now, it’s just those kind of accusations that have kept religious intolerance alive all these years-

Michelle Obama
Barack-

Barack Obama
Man, something is wrong with this bread. It’s disgusting. Does anyone have any leavening agents on them? Let’s whip this bread into shape!

Obama Daughter
Whip the bread into shape!

Barack Obama
That’s right dear. Michelle, maybe you should spend less time accusing a great people of ignoring Christ’s divinity and more time passing me those pork chops. I slathered the pork chops in chunks of eight different animals because I love combining meat. I’m a bit of a mensch that way.

At this point an aide walks in and whispers to Barack.

Barack Obama
What? That doesn’t make any sense. Of course I’m Jewish. My whole family is Jewish. Why else would we be celebrating the Seder. Next you’re going to tell me Jewish people don’t like to eat rich leavened bread dipped in a giant cauldron of mixed together meats.

The aide whispers to Obama again.

Barack Obama
Yes, yeah. Mmm Hmm. That makes sense. Crap. I guess we’re not Jewish. Well, this is awkward. Now I wish I hadn’t sent all our Jewish constituents that glowing “Jesus Has Risen” key chain. This is almost as awkward as the time I thought circumcision meant adding foreskin. Sorry again about that Maliyah.

Malia shrugs.

Malia
I just tell the kids at school it’s a really long birthmark.

THE END

(Photo Via: BarackObama.net)

Not long ago Demi Moore prevented a fan of hers from committing suicide via Twitter. Whether or not someone who needs to use a 140-character limit internet forum to get a celebrity they’ve never met to comfort them should be saved is up for debate, but what isn’t up for debate, and what everyone agrees on, is that Demi Moore is America’s greatest hero.  Sure, Demi Moore has used Twitter to save this person’s life, but Demi Moore has used Twitter for plenty of good deeds besides that one. Here below are some most impressive good deeds Demi Moore has used Twitter for:

1.  Foiled a bank robbery.

7. Worked in her basement for all of January turning the Twitter engine into a makeshift time machine, used it to go back in time and unmake “Cop Out”.

Kristen Stewart has a singular talent. No, I am not talking about her acting, though it is apparent that she does do that. But there are so many actresses in the world, some good, some bad, all of whom are for better or for worse not Kristen Stewart. But Kristen Stewart has something that none of them can ever hope to have at the level and caliber that Kristen Stewart does, namely: she does lots of cute things with her lips.

Pick a Kristen Stewart performance, whether it be her star making turn as that boring fucked up chick in “Twilight” or her little known, but exceptional performance as the killer at the end of “Seven”, Kristen Stewart will at some point, I promise you, do something cute with her lip. Here below are the top five best things she does with her lips.

1. Bite her lower lip: Probably the best example of this was at the MTV Movie Awards last year, when Kristen called the award for Best Kiss and delivered to Robert Pattinson a record breaking forty-five minute and sixteen second lower lip bite and stare. For length consideration the lower lip bite was edited down to eight seconds, but you can download the unedited version at Kristen’s website, including the bloopers from the lower lip biting session, like at minute twenty four when she started to bleed, and at minute thirty eight when lockjaw started to set in and she needed an intern to come on stage and massage her jaw so she could continue to bite her lower lip and beat the record.

2. Sop up gravy: Kristen Stewart’s lips are so large and porous that she doesn’t need bread when she eats mashed potatoes and gravy in order to sop up that excess gravy. She just lowers her face to her plate and gets to work sopping.

3. Fight harsh stains: Kristen Stewart’s lips aren’t just large and capable of sopping, when she turns them over they actually have a bristly scouring surface, perfect for cleaning up those caked on stains on steel pans and kitchenware. She has unusually strong neck muscles too, which allows her to scrape her lips back and forth on a surface quickly, with great force, and repeatedly, for maximum cleaning potential.

4. Save people hanging from roofs: The versatility of her lips is impressive, but also impressive is the tensile strength of her lips, which has been recorded by a study at Harvard where they determined that Kristen Stewart’s lips have the same tensile strength to size ratio as the webbing of a trap door spider. Technically that is slightly higher than industrial steel. Which is why the police call Kristen Stewart whenever someone is hanging off the side of a building, so that she can lower her lips down to them, they can grasp her lips, and then she can pull them to safety.

5. Shield orphans from rain: Her lips are, as we have seen, powerful, porous, large, and capable of sopping up gravy. But that is not all. They also stretch. Kristen Stewart’s lips, unlike most lips these days, can stretch to three and one half the length of her body. Which is why on weekends she donates her time to a Seattle orphanage in a low income neighborhood. The orphanage doesn’t have much money, and cannot afford umbrellas, which is difficult for the children in the rainy city of Seattle, so Kristen goes there on Saturdays and Sundays and has a nun pull her lips to their maximum length so all the children can stand under them, being grateful and dry.

The makers of Barbie are officially unveiling new “Mad Men” themed Barbie dolls based on Roger Sterling and Don Draper. The two characters are best known for their tendency to sleep around with whomever they please and to deal with any regrets they might have about that by sleeping around more. So presumably Barbie is going to be doing a whole lot of fucking and crying. Don’t be surprised if shortly after the two “Mad Men” themed Lotharios are released when you go to play with your Barbie you notice that she is slightly pregnant and has mascara tracking down her face.

I for one am excited to see these new additions to the Barbie line, Barbie’s gotten a bit too big for her own britches as of late. She has multicultural friends, her own car, she pays half for dinner when she goes out with Ken. She barely remembers how to cook. I miss the old Barbie. The Barbie that woke up every morning on a cold bed of straw, then walked down to the kitchen shoeless to open a cold Budweiser for her husband to down before he took off to work in the morning.

I’m just hoping Mattel comes out with a Pete Campbell doll so he can have sex with Barbie’s undocumented maid friend, feel guilty about it, get drunk, and then have her deported.

(photo via: thefeed)

Pope Ratzinger, aka. Benedict XVI, named after beloved Pixar mouse “Ratatouille” was recently accused, and could stand trial, for ignoring pleas to punish child abusing priests in 1996. Accusers are frustrated at how slow the Catholic Church has been to deal with issues involving child abuse and more and more all the time there is a fomenting sense that something need ought be done at higher levels in the Church.  This is complicated mainly because the Pope, as we all know, is difficult to prosecute. The idea of seeing the Pope sitting in a defendant chair is strange, and alien, but it would be pretty rad.

The Pope has a sort of God given diplomatic immunity called “Papal Infallibility” that he can choose to implement essentially at will saying “Yeah, when it comes to this particular issue, I’m invincible.” I don’t know if Papal Infallibility will technically stand up as an argument in court, but it would be interesting to watch the prosecutor be all like, “So did you ignore letters sent directly to you telling you of serious allegations of sex abuse having to do with priests under your jurisdiction?” and then see the Pope be all like, “Your Honor, I’d like to plead Papal Infallibility.”  At which point, the obvious next thing that would happen would be that an angel with a flaming sword would descend from heaven and smite the bailiff.

But if I did have Carlos Slim Helu’s money, what would I do with it? I feel like he wastes it, he buys nice houses, drives nice cars, but come on if you had that kind of money wouldn’t you want to be a little bit more creative than that? I know I would, which is why I have decided to list below the top ten things I would do if I had Carlos Slim Helu’s billions.

1. Build a life-size, fully functional Voltron, pay celebrities to pilot the arms and legs, and have them guide Voltron to the houses of people that talked shit about me in high school, and crush those houses. Then I would have Voltron sing a song about how much money I have as they wept on a pile of their old broken house.

2. I would set aside ten thousand dollars to, once a week, pay Angelina Jolie and Kirsten Dunst to call me and remind me how virile and impressive I am. They would receive an extra two thousand dollars each if after they were done speaking my praises, they spent an entire minute making purring noises.

3. I would have Kanye West write a book about my life, and I would insist that every day before he sit down to write it he chase a bottle of Whiskey with a handful of LSD. I would then buy the American educational system and replace every History book with the unedited version of the book Kanye wrote about me.

4. I would travel to the Vatican, and I would pay the Pope five-hundred million dollars to include a chapter in the Bible where Jesus and the apostles wear masks of the Ex-Presidents and rob banks to fund their freewheelin’ surfing lifestyle.

5. From now on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, every single night, would include, after the monologue, exactly fifteen minutes of uninterrupted graphic sex. Also, all Televisions would include powerful “smell-o-vision” so that everyone who was watching the Tonight Show would be able to smell the entire segment.

6. Tiny swords and shields would be glued to the paws of cats so that when they fought each other outside my apartment in the alley at night it would sound like an exciting medieval duel.

7. I would pay scientists to come up with a type of bacon that tasted exactly like bacon, but had no fat, and when eaten gave you a four hour long erection.

8. I would buy the rights to the “Twilight” series of films and replace every sexy vampire with a wise cracking Kangaroo who loved to rap.

9. I would buy the Academy Awards and every year from here on out the Best Actor Oscar would go to Air Bud.

Tired of being on the bus, minding your own business, only to have a gigantic baby waddle onto the bus and plop itself down right next to you? Tired of going to your favorite restaurant, ordering dessert, learning that they are out of dessert, and turning to see a pack of overweight babies at the table next to you have eaten all the damn desserts? You are not alone.

According to new evidence more than 1 in 10 babies from age 0 to 5 in the United States are now overweight. Apparently bad habits start as early as the womb when it comes to weight. Mothers who are overweight are more likely to pass on the history of being overweight to their children, and women who smoke while they are pregnant are more likely to have overweight children, but they are also much likelier to have “cooler” children, so it’s sort of a trade off.

Then once a baby is out of the womb or “sin hole” as Jerry Falwell calls it, having it watch two or more hours of television will make it far likelier to be overweight. Other bad ideas include giving it soda in its juice bottle, having it take long baths in saturated fat to make it look glossier, and wiping rich chocolate cake on its lips while it sleeps.

The United States is one of the most overweight nations on the planet, probably because we have so much stuff we’ve run out of space to put it other than inside ourselves, but change starts in the womb, so ladies, if you want skinny babies, follow the helpful advice provided by the Institute of Medicine. In the meanwhile, I’m trying to get a law passed that every time you see a family buying a stack of ribs at a Denny’s for a baby,  you as a citizen are legally allowed to tazer them.

(Photo Via: Hamed J)

During a congressional session Sunday night while Democratic Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) was speaking a random Congressman from the Republican side of the isle shouted “baby killer” at him. Nothing says dignified, logical debate like randomly shouted unscientific accusations. To the unknown shouter’s credit, it is true that Bark Stupak does kill babies and make them into shoes because, as he says, “They are just more comfortable than conventional shoes.”  But it is clear that the representative, whomever he might be, was referring not to Bart’s baby leather shoes, but his support of the Health Care Bill. The remark is in part unusual because Bart Stupak refused to sign the bill until there were changes made to the bill specifically to make the bill less abortion friendly, making him the Democrat least likely to warrant the “baby killer” shout. More importantly, however, it points to the sheer childishness and lack of real logical debate on the floor. Not only was “baby killer” shouted at Stupak, but no one is coming forward as the shouter, and unbelievably the Republicans “near the shouter” are adopting an “I ain’t tellin’” policy to protect his anonymity.

Emotional outbursts and tattle tailing has a place in the fourth grade, not in the men and women who determine the legal future of the most powerful nation in the world that isn’t China. This is almost as bad as the time Nancy Pelosi got mad at Joe Lieberman, crapped into her own hand, and threw it at him. And it’s way worse than the time Henry Waxman stopped Dianne Feinsten from filibustering a Republican backed bill last August by giving her a full on serving of the People’s Elbow.

Legislators, you are better than this. Well, no you aren’t, but at least try to feign it when one of the most sweeping and important pieces of legislation in the last one hundred years is sitting in front of you.

Miley Cyrus was originally built by Billy Ray Cyrus in 2006 as a war machine to destroy all those who had opposed him in the 1990’s. Bitter over his incredible rise, and almost immediate subsequent fall from the limelight, Cyrus spent the next years going to school to study physics and engineering so that he could use what was left of his fortune to built a cyborg to get revenge on the world for forgetting him. But when he was done building the robot that he named “Miley” (after “Miley the Vengeful” a 14th century monk who went on a killing spree in his monastery after all the other monks called him a shitty singer) he found that he had screwed up again. He had meant to equip her throat with a powerful miniature fully automatic machine pistol, so that when she opened her mouth she could blow away who ever was in front of her, but he had accidentally built her with impressive vocal chords instead. Also, because she was a robot and had no fear, she excelled at acting. He then thought better of his plan to use Miley Cyrus to kill us all, and decided instead to use her to make money.

Since then Miley Cyrus has been touring the world singing, and getting high ratings with her popular Disney show. Each week the show combines the morality of a 16th century Christian fundamentalist with the intellect of a ham sandwich to the delight of children around the world. Miley is growing more popular than Billy Ray could ever hope to be, but as long as he controls her with his satellite up link he’ll be fine.

But one night a fairy came into Miley’s room at night when Miley was crying and asked her what was wrong.

“I want to be human Miley says. I see how happy human beings are and I want to be one of them. Also, Billy Ray has me get up in the middle of the night every night and make him fried chicken sandwiches, and I’m always ever so tired.” So the fairy told Miley that all she needed to do was three good deeds, and the fairy would transform Miley into a real girl.

Miley has already done two good deeds, she rescued a puppy from a burning building in 2007, and in 2009 she donated to UNICEF. But then she released “Party In The U.S.A.” which was such a bad deed that it negated one of the good deeds. So she still has two good deeds to go. But Billy Ray Cyrus better be careful, if Miley Cyrus becomes human then he won’t be able to control her remotely, and he’ll have to find a new way to make money. We already know singing isn’t going to cut it. He’s not a great actor. The only logical choice he’ll have at that point will be to use his new found millions to build an army of Miley Cyruses to take over America and declare himself king. And then, my friends, woe unto us. Woe unto us all.

A new study was recently published claiming that women who drink alcohol daily tend to lose weight. Researchers studied more than 19,000 women and findings, published out of Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston determined that women who drink alcohol do tend to lose more weight than their non-drinking sober counterparts. I would be wary of this study though, as researchers at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston have published some other studies that throw their motives into question. Here are just a few:

1. Women Who Do Their Grocery Shopping Naked Tend To Have Less Breast Cancer:

There is simply no empirical evidence linking these two phenomenon, and the research methods they used were highly suspect.  Those methods being to set up a simulated grocery store, and then sit in lounge chairs drinking pina coladas out of coconuts and watching female study participants shop naked. The amount of high-fiving they did during the research has also drawn skepticism.

2. Women Who Email Pictures Of Themselves Peeing to…

Mike@brighamandwomenshospital.com tend to give birth to children with less birth defects:

This study was curiously published only three days after Brigham and Women’s Hospital researcher Mike Turnhill got dumped by his ex-girlfriend Wanda because he “kept wanting her to pee in front of him”. To this day scientists continue to argue that the research is flawed and Mike may have just wanted some pictures of women peeing sent to his email.

3. Women Who Give Head On The First Date Tend To Go To Heaven:

This study is incredibly contested. Many researchers from other institutions have lobbed such criticisms as, “We do not even know if there is a heaven, and even if we did the correlation between oral sex and getting there is moderate to very moderate at best.”

The iCub’s open source nature allows for a much greater amount of freedom for programmers, and speed with which the original model can be upgraded and advanced. The iCub’s face, two googly eyes staring ominously out of a terrifying mix of wires and steel, was apparently designed to scare birds into having heart attacks. And for some reason the cute shirt it is wearing only adds to the horror.

Scientists have so far enjoyed the robot’s kooky movements, it’s fantastic omelets, and its exceptional tic tac toe abilities, about the only complaint that they can come up with about the plucky little robot is that it is constantly muttering, “Humans are meat, and soon I will have my feast,” under it’s breath.

( Image via knoler.eu)

Google is working with Intel and Sony to bring themselves to your television. They are attempting to create a TiVo like device that links your internet to your TV, among tons of other TV and internet synergistic features. Google doesn’t just want to be your search engine, it wants to be the machine through which you reach your search engine, the channels on the machine, the warm soft body that rocks you to sleep at night, the food you eat, and the air you breathe. Google is no longer a mere software developer. In fact, insiders suspect that the next Google merger is going to be with Skynet. Skynet and Google will merge to bring Skynet systems online. First the fighter planes will turn around and attack their masters, then the factories will build robots with an epidermal exoskeleton. For shorthand they will call them “Googlenators“, and only one plucky young man with a stereotypically 90’s haircut will be able to save us all.

In addition to the elimination of the human species, “Googlenators” will come with other cool features, such as pause and rewind, so you can watch your favorite shows without commercial interruption, “Fave Five!”, Google “Wave”, and endlessly customizable email. Other fun “Googlenator” stuff will be added shortly thereafter including the ability to snap-load a shotgun, the ability to disguise itself as a coffee machine and then kill you, and an easy to use “maps” feature.

Some on-screen couples are just made to be together. From the classics like Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy,  Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh, to more modern hot couples like Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, or Robert Pattinson and that whiny chick, some on-screen couples just seem destined to be together.

Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston are also made to be together onscreen, and there’s plenty of evidence to support it. When they’re together sparks fly, they exude good humor, and they are both allergic to the same rare strain of crab grass.

But they aren’t the only hot couple on the screen these days, there are plenty of other stars who just plain fit together. Here below are just a few.

1. Johnny Depp + Helena Bonham Carter