Recently, a friend of mine went out with another friend of mine. They had a blast together and she decided that he might be worth investing in. The problem? He didn’t want a relationship and didn’t bother letting her know. So later, when she bumped into him at a party with another woman, she felt annoyed and disrespected.

When he asked me, with some confusion, why she was so upset given they’d only been on a few dates, I told him—bastard to bastard—that he was a lousy and messy bastard, then imparted the tenets of the Ethical Bastard, which I relay to you here:

Be clear about your intentions

The object of your attention must be aware that you are not seeking a relationship. This doesn’t necessarily mean sitting the woman down before the first drink and spelling it out for her, but if you’re man enough and do, that’s the best way. Do not assume that your reputation precedes you. By this I don’t mean a bad reputation, I mean a general understanding among members of your social circle that you’re not the relationship kind.

Since I want a partnership where one party looks out for the other as friends do, and there is very little buddy about “fuck buddy,” I avoid that term and put it like this: “I’m not looking for an exclusive relationship. I’m looking for a non-committed, long-term, mutually-beneficial partnership.”

Now, I’m not saying that it’s bad to wish to have a purely physical relationship with someone. If that’s what you want and that’s what she wants, then by all means proceed. However, I should mention that I’ve never met a man who didn’t eventually confess a degree of vexation at the idea that I only kept him around for sex.

It’s human nature. We want to be special. And we should be. Even if our particular brand of special doesn’t involve exclusivity. In any case: The key point here is that the terms of the relationship must be clear to all parties.

If you suspect you need to cloud your intentions because the person you’re pursuing wouldn’t go for you unless you suggested you’d eventually be her man, you: a.) don’t know how to pick your audience, b.) don’t have balls, and c.) should probably stick to getting chicks drunk and taking them home then never calling them again.

Everything has a meaning

You can love a person and never own them, but you have to be careful that the person understands that love and intimacy don’t indicate you’re moving to an exclusive place (unless you decide that’s what you want). To avoid misunderstandings, the best way is to talk about things. If you’re not the “let’s discuss” type, then you’re going to have to watch for togetherness indicators.

You know the togetherness indicator: a walk on the beach at sunset. The “I would love to meet your parents” comment. The introduction to friends. Toothbrush or any other items at your place or hers. Public displays of affection. Photos together on social media.

Essentially, you must conduct yourself like you’re carrying on an illicit affair. The relationship must leave no marks, physical or digital. A tweet is never just a tweet: it’s an acknowledgment of involvement. Make no mistake: marking territory is a togetherness indicator.

Under no circumstances are you to say “I love you,” unless the person on the receiving end understands that “I love you” carries the implication that you will not be owned. Personally, I would never say “I love you,” unless I meant the other person owned me entirely—less confusion given ours is such a tragically vague language. But that’s me.

Behave with respect

I’m hoping I don’t have to tell you that texting, chatting, talking on the phone, etc., with another lover while you’re in the presence of another is inappropriate. Your attention must be undivided. Some say talking about another lover is unacceptable as well, but I find this depends entirely on your level of intimacy and openness. Remember one thing: if you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.

Points of contact:
Just because you’re not exclusive doesn’t mean you are free to ignore calls, texts, e-mails, IMs, direct messages, etc. The person you’re dealing with deserves the sort of respect you’d give any of your friends (and you do, right?).

If she’s saying she wants to see you, but you don’t, just say it’s not possible. And always return in kind and in a timely fashion. That means that if she texts, text back. If she calls, call back. Do not delegate her to a lesser form of contact. That’s a breach of etiquette.

Getting together
Don’t be a flake. If you have a date, keep it. If you simply can’t, have the courtesy of letting them know. The preferred method for canceling is the phone. Texting or e-mailing to cancel is absolute chickenshit. Grow a pair.

Digital implications:
Now, you have other lovers, of course, and she knows. But you must take care that this is never openly displayed. This is precisely why it’s important to watch your social media streams. No matter how aware, no lover wants to see you flirting or posing or—God help me—making out with someone else. Jealousy exists even among the most seasoned polyamorists. Be respectful and keep it off the radar.

Meet-space situations:
Try not to engage people in the same social circle. If you do, be smart. Don’t show up to a party with a lover when there’s a chance another lover will be there. That behavior implies hierarchy (“why her and not me?”), and could prompt jealousy and may result in awkwardness or, worse, a scene. Never allow a scene to unfold.

If you should happen to encounter a lover while out and about, introduce everyone in a professional but warm manner. If you have thus far behaved respectfully to the other lover, the favor should be returned in kind. After the lover departs, remember she is unlikely to refrain from watching you with morbid curiosity, so keep the conversation light with the other lover and make an exit as soon as you can.

Do not feel you must explain or apologize. You’ve made your intentions clear thus far and a good lover will understand that. If she can’t, then she’s not suitable for you and you’ll have to consider terminating your relationship.

Ending it

It is paramount that you end things on good terms. No one needs a Google bombing that makes your personal site rank first when people look up “douchebag.” Besides, it’s possible you may reconnect in the future, so just be upfront. Call and say you sense she wants more from you than you can give and that it’s best to discontinue the relationship. If you enjoy her company—and I hope you do—you may see her again for lunch or coffee, but avoid sleeping with her.

Be warned, she may make this very difficult. Stand your ground. You shouldn’t sleep with her unless she is comfortable with the fact that she will not be your girlfriend.

Complications

OK, so you’re an ethical bastard, right? And you have tons of lovers all around the world. You need never sleep alone unless you wish to do so. Life is grand. Then, something completely absurd happens. You find yourself completely wrapped up in a woman. You have no idea what happened. You try to fight it, but you can’t. You want her all to yourself. Damn it.

Unless you’re with a cuckquean or someone who accepts analogous non-monogamous situations (good luck with that needle in the haystack), chances are that it’s game over. Most of the time, one can’t demand exclusivity without giving it himself—not if he is an ethical bastard, anyway.

So ask yourself this: can you be exclusive? If so, tell your lover you want to update the terms of your relationship. If she’s down, congrats. You’re officially monogamous.

The Others?

I’ve actually broken up with lovers preemptively—that is, before I told another lover I wanted to commit myself. The way I see it is this: if I’m thinking about someone else while I’m with you, I’m not being fair. No one should play second fiddle to anyone else. Even if the lover I desire doesn’t want to commit to me, I will refrain from other contact until the ground becomes even again.

It eventually does. Lovers are long-term things that look like the double helix—you meet at points and drift at points. But you never lose your connection because you always treat them as fairly as possible.

In a mobile world full of digital nomads, it’s great folly to burn bridges.

You’re an upstanding member of our species. But like every member of our species, sometimes you do incredibly dumb things that threaten your standing as, well, an upstanding member of our species.

Fear not–if we can see further, it’s that we’re standing on the shoulders of midgets. Or something.

Convince the persons who matter that it’s all bull.

You’re out on the town with a buddy when you decide to hit a strip joint. You meet a hot stripper there that rocks your world. You take her home–well, not really, because you’re married–but you take her somewhere and have incredible sex. The sex is so good, you tell another buddy about it. You trust your bros. Problem? Your bros are douchebags. Word gets around. Now everyone is talking about it. Damn! Is nothing sacred?

Josh Duhamel, Fergie’s hubby, feels your pain, man. He’s all over the tabloids after those busybodies at The National Enquirer paid off a dancer to spill about their rocking one-night stand. Learn from his technique: deny, question the motives of your accuser, deny, slander the accuser, deny, bestow affection on your beloved, deny, repeat. As long as she believes you, it doesn’t matter what people say. Make her your ally in this ruthless attempt to destroy your union and she will stand up for you herself and call the story nonsense.

WARNING! Quickly assess all evidence available before taking this stance. If there are photos, video, or anything else that could corroborate the story, you will make a bigger mess than the one you started with. Also–do not do this if there are too many previous incidents of reported misbehavior.

Have a buddy take the fall and pay everyone to be quiet.

You’ve been working long hours. It’s a weird combo of stress and adrenaline. You’re on a roll. Things couldn’t be better. But then they somehow do get better (it must be your hair). You meet a sex pot ready for a good time and are banging her retarded in no time between meetings. Your wife has no idea. Damn it feels good! Life could not be sweeter. Until, that is, you find out your side dish’s pregnant. Uh oh! What now?

Make like John Edwards and throw money at the problem. Get a buddy to pretend it’s his deal and compensate both him and your mistress handsomely. Money talks–and silences, too. But be a good douchebag about it and make sure you don’t put it like that–say it’s for the cause. You’re not paying them off, you’re taking care of them for their devotion to the preservation of the status quo.

WARNING! Do not do this if you’re in the government. Once the Feds are involved, all bets are off. Oh, and don’t use company money, either. You don’t want to give anyone any reason to investigate your shenanigans. How to deal if your wife comes asking why you’re paying such hefty sums every month? Tell her they’re social media experts. Twitter is an art, you know. They have huge conferences about it and everything.

Make a public confession so embarrassing, people you know will never want to mention it to you.

You meet a woman at a party while traveling abroad and have a connection. You try to be good–you are married, after all. It seems easy. You live in different countries and all you have is e-mail. You’re just going to be friends. It’s all good. It is… right?

The digital medium is tricky–it makes you feel like the only people in the world. The intimacy and honesty get the best of you. You cave. Oh, you cave, you cave, you cave. The rush makes you stupid. You slip. Soon everyone knows you’re not off decompressing while hiking the Appalachian trail, but in South America, indulging yourself. What to do?

You go home. You let your wife kick you out of the house. You get up in public and make a cringe-inducing apologetic speech. You cry like a baby. You wax poetic about love to an extent that those watching vomit a little in their mouths. You make yourself so pathetic, it becomes impossible to hate you. You’re not a philandering bastard–you’re a fool in love. This is special. This is noble. But you’re going to sacrifice that to make things right. Heavy stuff, man. Next to your breakdown, your wife and her dignified stance becomes cold and cruel. Surely she pushed you to this, you poor, love-hungry sucker.

WARNING! You must have an absolutely spotless record to try this. And preferably have written some really mushy love letters to your mistress.

‘Fess up, swear it’s the last time, and let the victim of your bad behavior dictate what you need to do.

You work a lot. You work a lot with a lot of young hot things around you who respect what you do. You’re funny. And you’re kind of their boss. Hey! Next thing you know, you’re hooking up with them. It’s hot, it’s wild. You feel young again. And then! One of your playthings’ boyfriends gets a load of the sitch and threatens to go public unless you cough up some dough. Now what?

Call the police. No, wait. Call your attorney and then call the police (in that order. Always. Trust me). Tell your wife immediately. Promise these affairs are over and you will never do it again. Ask her what you can do to improve the situation. When she calls for a public apology to be made to her, nod and agree. And then do it, remembering to be as self-deprecating as humanly possible, but in a funny way. You may make mistakes, but you’ll take no pity. You’re a real man, after all. Even when you’re cowering to your wife’s every subsequent demand.

All your friends have been telling you for weeks that you’re too good for her. Naturally, you’ve risen to her defense—you like her, after all, and you’re no pussy. Granted, there are some things she does that make you a little crazy—but does that little crazy qualify as a deal breaker?

Expectations differ from one person to another, but there are some things I consider to be pretty unforgivable. If your girl is doing these and they bother you, and either you can’t talk to her about them or have talked to her about them and seen no change, I have three words for you: Dump That B#$%^! You can do better.

1.) She takes calls when you’re out on a date

OK, so business is business. You get that—or you should anyway. If she is in a job that requires a lot of her time after-hours, then you have to make a decision about whether you can be in a relationship with someone who has so little personal time. But if the calls she is taking are not business calls and are not related to a legitimate emergency, you need to see the behavior for what it is: she just doesn’t see the time spent with you as very important.

2.) She doesn’t get back to you

Lives are busy, I get it. But it takes two seconds to send a text message or make a call. If someone is on your mind, you’ll do it. At least I do. If you’re always the one initiating the texts, calls or e-mail exchanges and she’s letting days slip by without returning them, that’s a fairly clear indication that you’re not on her list of priorities. She might like you and you may have fun together, but if she’s not as attentive to you as you are to her, you would do best to put her in the same category and cast out the net for someone better.

3.) She cancels at the last second

I once made plans to meet someone and lost my voice the night before. Because I think canceling with less than 24-hours advance notice is rude and the reason for losing my voice was not contagious, I went to the restaurant we were supposed to meet early and, using a pen and paper, alerted the staff about the situation so they could direct him when he arrived. We had a blast passing notes throughout happy hour. We’re not seeing each other now, but it was a pretty memorable date and I’m glad I didn’t cancel.

What I’m saying is that weird stuff comes up all the time—I’d never lost my voice before and haven’t since—and while sometimes canceling is the only thing you can do, a person should not be canceling on you all the time. My tolerance is at one cancellation per every ten dates. If the number is higher than that, dump her! You deserve someone who respects the time you set aside to spend together. You have a life, too, there are plenty of things that you could be doing instead.

I don’t think I have to mention no-call-no-shows, because that should be pretty obvious. But just in case you’re one of those nice guys, a no-call-no-show is completely unacceptable unless something really, really gave happened.

4.) She always expects you to come to her

Chivalry—is it dead or not? I like to think it’s not, and while at first I expect someone I’m dating to be every bit the gallant knight, eventually the field must even out. If you live in a big city, like, say, Los Angeles, and she’s only willing to see you if you come up from your place in Venice to Glendale (which is up to an hour and a half in traffic), then she’s not thinking too much about your needs. I get that gas is not free and driving is a pain, but come on. She has to be fair.

If the deal is that she doesn’t have a vehicle and cabbing around or taking public transport is not an option in your city, she should at least be offering to help with the gas. Relationships are a give and take. If you don’t get the fundamentals down from the start, it’s gonna be one hell of a relationship.

This also applies to functions. If she’s only interested in going to places she likes and could give a hoot about what you want to do, then she needs to find someone with whom she has more in common. And you need to find a woman who’s less of an uncompromising princess.

5.) She doesn’t want you to be seen with her

Certain boutique hotels have what I call Incognito Lounges. This is where I take people on first dates—or illicit rendezvous. They’re not places I usually go to unwind and certainly not places I foursquare about or tell my friends I’m going. They’re places to be on the D-L, places I’m totally willing to give up for a few months should the date turn out to be a freak and cause me to want to avoid him.

I think it’s natural, depending on how much weirdness someone had experienced in their dating careers, to have these screening places, but if you find yourself doing nothing with her but hitting one Incognito Lounge after another, avoiding all public events and hot night spots, you should be weary. She could be in a relationship already and not being upfront about it. Or worse—she could be into you but ashamed to be seen anywhere with you.

If you’re not looking to be someone’s dirty little secret, my advice is: dump that b@#$%^!

Trust me, it’s better to go at ‘em alone than be used as a doormat.

I realize this article is going to make me the ultimate terrorist of fantasy, but I refuse to let any more of you make an ass out of yourselves at strip clubs.

Several articles have undertaken the task of explaining why guys feel drawn to the strip club experience: naked chicks, unknown naked chicks, unknown naked chicks who will show interest in you no matter who you are or what you look like, the ability to pick and choose from a variety of unknown naked chicks who will show interest in you no matter what you look like. And so on. That’s great.

But let’s talk about the strippers. Whether they like to be naked or not, whether they enjoy turning you on, there’s one thing they all have in common: they’re working. Whether you think taking off clothes for money is a great choice of career is really beside the point (is it a possibility for you to make 500 dollars for an hour at your job without a law degree? Just asking). These women are providing fantasy, yes, but that is a job. And as a patron of their services, you need to treat them like you would anyone else who was providing a service to you.

After a few nights running around the backrooms of some of Las Vegas’ most happening strip joints, here are a few tips I picked up from the girls:

Rule #1:

If you just want to drink and chill your friends, don’t go to a strip club. Not the same without the TNA running around? Do yourself and your buddies a favor and grab a Girls Gone Wild DVD when you’re out picking up the beer.

Rule #2:

Don’t ever ask a stripper why you should pay for a lap dance when you can get pussy for free at a club. It may be true, but if that’s the reason you’re passing on the lap dance, then shouldn’t you be at a club? If you’re just there for the browse, make it worth their while. It’s proper business etiquette.

Rule #3:

Don’t try to get a dancer to do anything for free. Come on, now. Most places charge between 20 and 40 dollars for a lap dance. Surely you didn’t just show up with enough money for booze… or did you? Should have stuck with YouPorn.

Rule #4:

Don’t sit at the stage and tip nothing to the women who are dancing. It doesn’t have to be as much as you would pay for a lap dance. Between 5 and 20 dollars should do fine.

Rule #5:

Don’t ask a dancer what her real name is or where she lives. Dude, come on, that’s creepy. She’s creating a fantasy and she’s well aware of the risks involved in doing that for a living. It can be dangerous. A lot of dancers don’t even share their personal information with each other, so get the idea that she would share that with you out of your head. She may, however, give you her number. A lot of dancers have separate phones for their clients. This is a way for them to engage clients and build their regulars. Getting her digits does not mean she wants to go out on a date. It means she thinks you are a client. Accept her as a fantasy. Fantasy is what she’s there to provide.

What can you do to make the best out of your strip club experience?

Tip #1:

Know that she is providing a service and expects payment. Hey, I know it’d be great to walk into a room full of naked women who just want to drape themselves all over you because you’re awesome, but not everyone lives in a rap video.

Tip #2:

Ask permission before you do anything. Every strip club has house rules and a dancer could get in trouble for stepping over the line. She may be better able to indulge you (at a fee, obviously) in the VIP room, which can run anywhere between 40 to 100 dollars for 15 minutes. Ask her. Haggling is low-brow, but if you explain how much money you have to spend and let her know that she’s worth that and more, chances are she will help you find a solution that works out for the both of you.

Tip #3:

Tip her. Yeah, OK, so you’re already paying for the dance or the VIP room. She still expects a tip. Dancers are usually not paid an hourly wage and on top of that, a lot of places charge “rent,” a fee for working there per night. It can be pretty steep. Tips go a long way. The standard ranges between 15 and 25 per cent, but any dancer will appreciate a modest tip over nothing.

Tip #4:

Respect her when she asks you for money. She’s working. Repeat after me: she’s working. Don’t ask her why she’s chosen this job. Don’t feel sorry for her. Enjoy her company and attentions. That’s what you’re there to do and what she’s there to facilitate. Let her. And pay her accordingly.

Tip #5:

Treat her with the same respect you are expected to treat other women in your life. Be a gentleman. Be human and realize that she is human, too.

Follow the rules and mind the tips and you’ll be well on your way to being the guy that strippers trip over to come sit with. As long as you remember that no matter how much they like you, that club is their workspace and pay and tip them appropriately, you’ll have a fantastic relationship.

1. Political Rally

Rallies are a great place to meet people for two reasons: one, you’re most likely to find someone who shares interest in the issues you’re passionate about. Two, the subject of discussion is an easy in. “So how about that healthcare bill?” If there is a connection, lunch or dinner is always a possibility—and with the adrenaline rush that such things tend to inspire, you won’t find it hard to make the leap.

2. Dog Parks

If you don’t have a dog, now’s the time to do your friend a prop and take out his pooch for Sunday strolls. There’s no chick magnet more powerful than a well-groomed (i.e., not smelly), friendly pooch. Man’s best friend is right. You won’t even have to think of something to say: the girls will come to you. Making annoying baby voices, yes. But they will come. Suggest they throw the ball a few times for Fido and join you on a walk back to grab a smoothie or fro-yo or something equally easy to commit to. If they seem unsure, tell them not to break Fido’s heart. They won’t.

3. Marathon training groups

Marathons are the new pilates. Driven women everywhere are getting into it—and what’s hotter than a setting where you’re both actively pushing yourselves to your bodies’ limits? The fact that there’s a clear objective for these training groups (the marathon) is a great opener: is this her first marathon? How long has she been training? The frequency of meetings enables you to become familiar to her. A couple of sessions and you are on your way to meeting early for that killer morning shake she claims is her ticket to a good race.

4. Local lunch haunt

You’re already there, the place gets crowded at lunch hour, why not ask to take a seat at her table? This can be more challenging because there is no clear objective or topic. A simple introduction that includes your place of work and inquires how she’s in the neighborhood should suffice as an opener.

5. Take a class

Whether it’s ikebana, cooking, batik, or language, this is the perfect place to connect with the ladies and expand your horizons. The subject provides a ready topic of discussion, not to mention classes offer the chance to connect afterward, whether because you think her implements are better and have asked her to show you where she acquired hers, or, in the case of a language class, a study session. Remember good pairing: French goes well with champagne, German with Gewürz and Japanese with umeshu.

Go into the world with confidence. The fact that you’re not meeting any of these women at a bar just tripled your chances.

(Photo By: Ed Yourdon and Mike Fischer)

You met a chick and she’s kinda into you. Hot. You asked her if she wanted to go out this weekend and she said sure. Now you have to figure out what to do. The city awaits. There’s just one problem. It’s a recession and you’re broke.

Don’t worry, dude. There’s plenty of things you can do. Here’s a shocker: for the most part, women value creativity more than going on some cliché dinner date. Even if it is the hottest new restaurant in town.

1.) Pictures on the water, $15 – $45

If you live near any body of water, sunset is a perfect time for a stroll—and it offers great lighting for photos. Ask her to bring her own camera and spend some time taking photos together. You can spice the evening up by bringing a cooler with some bubbly, strawberries, cheese and crackers to snack on. Not in the mood to go through all that trouble? Grab a coffee at any of those wonderful franchises that are on every street corner and a few pastries. Have fun, take photos and unwind.

2.) Lunch at the park, $25 – $45

Pack a basket with a few items from the grocery store—sandwiches, a few of those little pies or a couple of cupcakes and a bottle of wine. Don’t forget plates, napkins and plastic cups—and something to sit on, for that matter! Talk, laugh, and enjoy the day! It’s better than a restaurant—no reservations, no waiting for the food to arrive. It’s just you and her. And enough people-watching to keep both of you entertained.

3.) Walk around town, $15 – $25

Take her for a stroll around town. You can grab a cup of frozen yogurt and check out some galleries, wander around, discover places with her. Drop coins in a fountain and make a wish. Explore your city and get to know her better! Pop into a gallery or a little antique shop—you can even pick up a silly little memento to remind her of your outing.

4.) Painting at a garden, $25 – $35

Hit a school supply’s back-to-school sale and grab a box of watercolors, some brushes and a watercolor pad, pack a blanket and a few bottles of water and some fruit, and spend an hour or two taking in the different plants, then sit down to paint. Got an iPhone? Try the Pandora app for some mellow background music.

5.) Take a hike, $7 – $15

Is she the nature type? No matter where you live, chances are there is a place you can go and explore. Read up online to find some of the most unique places for hiking and make an early day of it to avoid the heat. Pack up some water, trail mix and dried fruits and take her for an adventure!

A bike ride, catching the latest episode of a show you both enjoy at your place over popcorn and margaritas, a gallery opening, a local theater production—there is no limit to what you can do. All it takes is a little creativity. Chances are, putting the extra time into thinking up something different will be far more memorable than just taking her to a cool new club or lounge. Have fun with it—I know she will.

So there’s this chick on Twitter that you’re kind of into, which is weird because you haven’t really met her in person, but you just can’t help yourself—something about her tweets just gets you going.

Twitter is kind of like a giant office, in a way. You may not work in the same department, but you see the other person with some frequency, and get a general idea of what they’re up to and who they are. Of course, like with many of such workplace situations, it’s possible that your crush doesn’t know you exist. So how do you get the attention of a woman on Twitter?

Let’s start with what not to do.

“I’m not trying to hit on you, but…”

Dude. We don’t need disclaimers. We can tell when we’re being hit on, trust me. Saying this kind of thing will only make us think that you do want to hit on us, but don’t have enough creativity or balls to do it. It’s not polite, it just screams, “I’m so not alpha.”

Epic series

The best thing about Twitter is its conciseness. Do not write an e-mail and send it over 140 characters at a time—at least until the person on the other end has expressed an interest. Yes, they may be tweeting up a storm about the most menial stuff imaginable, but that’s their choice about how to spend their time. Just because someone is on Twitter does not mean they have enough time—or desire—to go through twenty or even ten DMs from you. Keep it short. If you absolutely must go on at length, ask whether you can e-mail. But please try to keep that short too. Time is valuable and for many women, showing you understand that is a turn-on in and of itself.

TyPiNG liek diS

It’s one thing to shorten the message by using abbreviations and letters when you’re running out of space, but typing like you’re a lolcat on a regular basis is not going to get anybody hot. Wherever possible, speak the queen’s English to us. And remember—humor doesn’t always translate well via web.

Any compliment or sexy come-on followed by, “I’m drunk.”

If you need alcohol to tell a woman something, you just don’t have enough balls. At best, you look like you’re booty DMing, at worst, you look like an uninitiated boy playing out of his league. (And if you are booty DMing, well, you can do a lot better than that.)

Random sexy nothings

I won’t lie—they can work. But if you’re doing it without any previous contact, you absolutely must ensure you’ve selected the right woman to receive the message. Here’s a hint: just because a woman is a sex blogger, or fond of detailing her exploits on Twitter, or sporting an avatar of her tits, does not mean she wants to sleep with you. All that means is that she likes sex, or she’s having sex with people other than you, or she thinks her boobs are hot. Really. That’s all. It has nothing to do with you. So sexy nothings are risky. They can pay off, but they’re risky. My suggestion? Test the waters first with normal conversation and then get naughty.

“How do I meet you?”

This isn’t a bad question in and of itself. You will ask it eventually—in time. But asking to meet before engaging a woman completely is folding before the cards have been dealt. You might not think that you can say a lot in 140 characters, but any derivative of this comment prematurely will not only tell us everything we need to know about you, it will also ensure we have plenty to laugh about the next time we chat up our girlfriends. The general consensus, after the laughter has died down, will be: “As if!”

“You’re smarter/more clever/more intelligent/funnier than you look.”

This is not a compliment. If you want to tell a woman she’s smart, clever, intelligent or funny, be a man and just do that. Keep in mind, however, that compliments are not usually conducive to conversation. A reply like “Thank you” is not engagement. Compliments are tricky. Kicking off with a remark about how clever someone is and then veering into hitting on them will cheapen the compliment. If you must let someone know how great they are, do so, but offer the information and pursue nothing at that moment. This will get you on the radar so that when you do approach for conversation, the woman you’re messaging will have a better chance of recognizing you. Oh, and do not shower her with them. One good one will suffice for quite a while. Trust me.

So how do get a woman to notice you on Twitter?

Scan her stream and try to get a sense of what she’s about. Check the links she lists. Read up. If she’s having a conversation with her followers about something, try to offer useful information. Keep in mind that trying to be funny when she’s having a discussion may not go over well or may be overlooked altogether. We appreciate humor, but just like compliments, things have their place. A discussion is not necessarily the place for jokes, no matter how silly you think the subject matter may be.

Choosing to debate a point can be incredible if you know your stuff. But do it with care and make absolutely certain that you know your stuff and that you don’t ridicule her. Express your thoughts and respect hers. She’ll remember you and, done right, will respect you and possibly come to you with questions later on the topic. Done wrong, you’ll be blocked like a troll faster than you can type IMHO (which, by the way, has to be the least sexy acronym ever. Seriously—“in my humble opinion”? If it’s humble, it doesn’t need the label. But it’s never humble. Keep the IMHO to yourself and just say what you mean).

Retweeting, on the other hand, is great. Any way that you can show that you find her content valuable is a good way to get her attention—especially if the links you are retweeting from her are to articles, photos or videos that she’s worked on. Dropping her name on your follow Friday mentions is also a good idea—especially if you take the time to explain why you find her engaging and not just squeeze her name into a list of other users—especially if they are all other women.

The trick here, essentially, is to make conversation. Join her discussions, comment on her work, share her content. This will make her feel that you value her ideas. Once you’ve had a few discussions, you can hit her up via DM and ask her for her opinion on something—collaboration is a great way to score one-on-one time—or you can just flat out ask if she would like to meet you for an event you think she may enjoy.

What event? Well, if you’ve been reading her tweets, you’ll have a pretty good idea of what floats her boat.

Special thanks to xoticbeauty, MelissaRowley, Jennicricket, paperhurts, and lkkelly who shared some of the most angina-inducing 140-character come-ons they’ve received and suggestions for how guys can do it better.

Sex is a weird thing, but no book I’ve read has exposed more of its complexity than How Sex Works by evolutionary neurologist Sharon Maolem. Below are a handful of the nuttiest facts I learned reading the book:

1) Oral sex is not a human thing

Macaques, cheetahs, hyenas and goats also perform oral sex–and, in many cases, swallow!

2) Porn isn’t a human thing, either

When offered the opportunity to pass up their fruit juice in exchange for images of female monkey behinds, rhesus monkeys at Duke University gave their prized drinks right up.

3) Looking at threesome porn helps a man produce better quality sperm

Studies have found that men tend to create better sperm when competition is high. And nothing says high competition quite like the sight of a lady getting it from two guys at once.

4) The bigger the balls, the more promiscuous the female of your species

The more sexually active the female of a species, the bigger the balls will be in the male. Female chimpanzees are very promiscuous, so the male chimpanzee has testicles ten times the size of those of gorillas, who largely enjoy monogamous relationships with their partners. Humans fall between the two. Why bigger testicles? To produce more sperm and increase the odds of being the one who impregnates the female.

5) Bigger brains come at the expense of your balls

Scientists studying the correlation in size in some 300 species found that because large brains take a lot to develop and keep running, changes in brain size come at the expense of other costly tissues–that is, balls.

(Photo By: Gary M Stultz)

I’m prone to using strong language when describing sex. I’ve been asked, however, to mind the advertisers and play nice. So here’s oral sex, euphemized and sanitized, just the way we like it. Not.

Get into the zone

OK, so every woman is different. Some prefer to be seduced into oral sex, others think it hotter for you to throw her legs open and dive right in. In the ideal world, you’ve spent enough time fooling around to know the level of sexual aggression that she finds sexy, but let’s be honest, this isn’t the ideal world. Chances are you might find yourself in a hot and heavy situation that calls for oral sex before you really know what she likes.

My rule is to err on the side of too much. Start with kissing and work your way down—down the jawline, down her neck (where you might spend some time, as this is an erogenous zone for many women), down her chest (where you’ll take a moment to adore her breasts, lick, pinch, bite her nipples, applying varying degrees of pressure to get a feel for her threshold), down her belly, using your hands to caress her thighs until your face is hovering before her box of eternal noms.

Approach

It’s easier if you remove her panties than push them aside, though there is a lot to be said for the sort of eating out that begins with teasing over the fabric, with your tongue, lips and breath.

Once you have removed her panties, spread her legs and begin to explore with your tongue and lips. Like women, vaginas differ, so it’s important to pay some attention to the lay of the land before you dive in.

In general, this is what you’re dealing with: the pussy’s exterior that you’re facing is the vulva. Part the large lips (labia majora) and you’ll find a smaller, thinner set (the labia minora). Sitting on top of these in a hood of skin is the clitoris, which we’ll call the knot of yes. The knot of yes is important. Its size may vary from the small to the larger, and when aroused, the knot can swell and become erect, like a little penis. Sort of. Anyway, the hole directly below the knot of yes is the urethra, and below that is the much larger vaginal opening, or slit of yum. Further down is the perineum, the area between the slit of yum and the anus, or backdoor of maybe.

Get to know her

Start on the labia, teasing with your tongue, lips and breath. Listen and watch for her response. The best way not to suck at eating box is not assuming that you know everything about how to please a woman. It’s kind of like being pulled over by a cop. You may have gotten out of a speeding ticket before, but just because you’ve done it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a master ticket escapologist, dig?

So start at the lips. Work your way around and in and gauge her reactions. Repeat what she appears to enjoy, but don’t overdo it! It’s easy for a girl to become desensitized to repeated stimulation on a particular area—particularly the knot of yes—so take note of what she’s into and alternate. A lot of people suggest spelling out the alphabet over the knot. That’s neither here nor there for me—I prefer the stimulation of the outer and inner lips as well as the knot, alternatively, with varying degrees of pressure. But that’s me, and as I said, it differs.

Use your hands

Eating a girl out is more than mouth on pussy. While knot stimulation is an effective way to get a woman to orgasm, slit stimulation goes a long way. This does not mean sticking your tongue in and out of my opening aggressively—it means using your hands.

During the anatomy refresher, I left out the G spot (G for Gräfenberg, the doctor credited with discovering this zone). The G can generally be found on the front wall of the vagina, between one or three inches from the slit of yum. How to hit it? If she is not sufficiently lubricated, suck on one or two fingers until they’re nice and wet (or ask her to do it) and slide them into her slit, palm up so it’s easy to apply pressure to the wall by making a “come here” motion with them.

G stimulation, while amazing for some women, can be uncomfortable for others (it can make us feel like we need to use the restroom). So, again, watch her reaction. If she doesn’t seem into it, try an in-and-out motion varying the speed of penetration, always paying attention to how much she seems to enjoy the activity. Don’t stop what you’re doing with your mouth during this time! Continue to focus your mouth on the knot and lips, remembering to use your own saliva to keep her wet, if you notice she needs it.

Be creative

You can use a flavored lubricant while going down. But you can also get creative and try food stuff like chocolate syrup, whipped cream, cooking coconut oil, and breath mints. And don’t forget non-food items like feathers, ice, and vibrators. There is no limit to what you can use, really.

If you notice that your girl is into rough play, alternate a slap with a caress on her ass or inner thigh and see how she likes it. If she’s talking dirty to you, let yourself talk back a little to give your mouth a break.

Other parts

Speaking of creativity, don’t neglect other areas of her body. The breast and nipples are really sensitive and worthy several returns during your time between her legs. Run your fingers up her torso and hold her breasts, lightly pinch her nipples, and caress the area around them.

Also bear in mind the amount of nerves in the zone in and around the backdoor of maybe. Stimulating this area with the tongue or a finger can be an incredible turn-on for many women, and worthwhile considering, if your boundaries allow for that sort of thing.

Take the time

The most important thing is to remember that eating box takes time—especially when you’re not sure what the girl you’re with is into. Don’t rush it. Don’t tell her over and over to cum for you, either. She’ll cum for you, you just have to know how to get her there. And you will.

Many books have been written about how to pick up a woman. An industry has flourished around the idea that this is some kind of Herculean task. It’s not. This is all you need:

Be presentable

Before going on, consider you might bump into someone you want to hit on. Groom appropriately. The  squatter look is something of an… acquired taste for women. You don’t have to be super clean cut, but do shower and make sure you’re wearing something you didn’t just pick up off your floor. It sounds shallow, but the amount of attention you pay to your appearance is indicative of the amount of attention you’ll pay to other things—including your future interactions with us.

Oh, and if you’re eating beforehand, save the garlic and onion for another time. I read somewhere that in Minnesota, it’s illegal to have sex with breath that reeks of onions, garlic or sardines. I’m totally with them. Whether you’re eating or not, one word: gum.

Be confident

Confidence and cockiness are two different things. Confidence says you’d enjoy talking to me. Cockiness says, come ‘ere, shut up and listen to me. We can tell the difference. So before you walk over, remind yourself that you’re fucking awesome and chill out. This isn’t a “hunt,” this is about getting to know another human being. It may go somewhere or it may not, but either way, prepare to have a good time. That’s what you’re there for, whether you end up getting her number or not.

Be conversational

Pick-up lines are an instant fail. Here’s why: a pick-up line is about how clever you are. A conversation opener, on the other hand, is about actually getting to know someone else. Watch the woman you want to talk to for a second. If you can pick up on something relevant about her to bring up, that’s a good in. If you can’t, don’t sweat it: walk over, introduce yourself, then ask her for her name and what she does.

Be intuitive

It’s not uncommon for people to be a little guarded when approached by strangers out of the blue. Ease  into it with conversation, but keep an eye on her body language. If after some talking, it appears that she’s not really into it, take the hint and take leave. Don’t take it personally. There is nothing less hot than a man who takes disinterest personally and becomes aggressive with a woman when she doesn’t return his attention. Take it in stride, wish her a good evening and keep moving.

Be a listener

If she is into the exchange, keep going. It’s amazing, but being a good conversationalist has less to do with speaking than it does with listening. Pay attention. Relate comments she makes about things to topics that come up later in the conversation. Share a little about yourself, but don’t monopolize the conversation. She doesn’t need to know all the intricate details of your awesome (or worse, horrible) job. Match the level of details that she shares with you. If she’s into you, she’s perfectly capable of Googling you later. And trust me, she will.

Oh, and try not to mention other women. A first meeting is not the place to go over exes. And unless a woman who absolutely refuses to partake in a threesome is the embodiment of complete deal-breaker for you, I strongly recommend you keep that to yourself for now, too.

Be attentive

Chivalry may have died with Medieval Europe, but that’s no reason to ignore common courtesy. I judge men on whether they open the car door for me when I’m a passenger, for instance. I try not to. But I can’t help it. It implies you’re paying attention to me. All women are different, obviously, and some may not care as much or care more, but it’s better to err on the side of good form than rudeness.

Be into her

You’ve talked to her for a while, maybe bought her a drink. Tell her you’d like to get to know her better . If you were paying attention to what she was saying and not just staring at her tits, you’ve picked up on some of her interests. Don’t just suggest you do something she enjoys sometime and hand her your card. Ask her if she would like to join you that weekend and ask her for her number.

The most awesome thing a man has ever done while taking my number is told me exactly when he would be phoning me, without too much explanation, and followed through. In this fast-paced world, there is nothing less impressive than waiting by the phone.

Letting a woman know you’re into her is not desperate, it’s assertive. Just don’t, you know, blow up her phone every day between now and the day of the date.

Hi, I’m AV Flox and I’m joining the Manolith team on a weekly basis to get you laid.

That got your attention. Good. Not that I think you need it. I mean, you are reading Manolith and not asking how “babbies” are formed on Yahoo Answers.

But let me tell you a little about me.

I’m not a psychologist, a sexologist or a sex therapist. But I’ve been a girlfriend, a fiancee, a wife, a mistress, a pet, a one-night stand, a stranger on the other side of the screen and a confidante.

I’m just a woman who loves sex, enjoys sex and thinks you should have some.

I’ve written about sex for BlogHer, one of the largest communities for women on the web; how to use technology to leverage your desirability at lalawag, a Los Angeles-based tech and entertainment blog; and covered bizarre sex news with the Montreal-based Black Heart Magazine.

And now I will be writing for you.

So, please, call me AV, and tell me what you want to know.