Fast-forward four years later, and “The Chronicles of Riddick” hits moviehouses, being the further adventures of Riddick as he fights against the evil Necromongers alongside Dame Judy Dench as some sort of air elemental. If that sounds stupid to you, then you’re a lot better prepared for the disappointment that the movie was than I was when I saw it in the theater. “Chronicles” essentially turned Riddick from awesome hardcase to goggles-wearing superhero and featured a lot of pretty stupid plot contrivances in the service of a story that didn’t really go anywhere.

And now we have news that the third Riddick film “Dead Man Stalking” is being worked on by Twohy, and will be a return to the form displayed by “Pitch Black” — a more amoral character in Riddick, a lot more down-to-earth action, and intimate intensity. I also happened to really like Twohy’s “Below”, a submarine ghost story that was quietly spooky and did its work well. So I’m holding out some hope that this new flick could be good, as long as Diesel can still pull off the no nonsense predatory vibe he exuded from the first movie.

While some are saying that there’s nothing new in the book to chew over that Oprah hasn’t already admitted herself, there is one striking revelation: Oprah briefly dated and lived with John Tesh when the two of them resided in Nashville in the 1970’s. “Oprah and I were cub reporters in Nashville nearly 40 years ago and we dated for a short time,” said Tesh. Apparently, the big guy couldn’t take the pressure of being in an interracial relationship, so he quit. One wonders whether he regrets this decision, but hey, being married to Entertainment Tonight probably has just as many advantages, right? Haha! Yeah.

Kelley maintains that she has a lot of respect for how Oprah has acquitted herself over the years, having worked hard to rise to the top of her industry. Will this new book hurt the Big O at all? Probably not — Ms. Winfrey gets a lot of traction from what she herself drops on her adoring public. Look for a big “meh” from readers for this one.

To be fair, while I might personally be tired of The Vampire, it’s clear that a whole new generation is picking up where I left off (which was right around Poppy Z. Brite’s “Lost Souls”). Whether or not these new movies and shows are appealing to you, the very concept of the blood-drinking undead is proving to be as immortal as the creatures themselves. So it’s no wonder that Dr. George is putting together this new program, hot on the heels of a special conference on April 16th – 17th called “Open Graves, Open Minds: Vampires and the Undead in Modern Culture”.

Featuring awesome lecture titles like “Bloody hell. Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks. Oh God, I’m English – Translating Spike” and “Sullied Blood, Semen, and Skin: Vampires and the Spectre of Miscegenation”, it sounds like a fantastic time for anyone even remotely interested in why the human race continues to find vampire fiction so entertaining. Is it the immortality? Is it the perfectly pale pallor? Is it the rough sex? Whatever it is, it isn’t going away any time soon, so it’s best to study it up. But honestly, aside from going on the lecture circuit, what could one do with a Master’s Degree in Vampire Literature?

First up, Steve Carell and Tina Fey in “Date Night”. Sadly, this kind of mistaken identity leading to Hilarity and Hijinks™ movie is still getting play, despite its tired-as-hell status. Really, it’s just around to help tv stars make their break into movies, which explains Tina Fey. But what the hell’s Steve Carell doing? He doesn’t need this kind of crap, he made “Get Smart”. He’s paid his dues. But no, here he is, buffooning his way around like he just quit “The Daily Show”. Also, Common’s in this, being thuggy and tough. This won’t hurt him at all, but it’s kind of sad. But the big news here is Olivia Munn, looking like she’s playing the same role in this flick as she does on “Attack of the Show”. Her star is rising; oh yes it is. Watch her strain her neck tendons in the trailer below:

Next up, “The Good, the Bad, the Weird”. This looks like ten tons of fun in a nine ton package. It’s a Wild West story seen through the lens of Asia, as three Korean dudes search for some mysterious map across the Manchurian landscape. There’s chases on horseback. There’s crazy gunplay. There’s the Chinese army. There’s train robberies. There’s ridiculous martial arts action. All that’s really missing from this movie is a sultry temptress, and I’m sure there’s one in there somewhere, there has to be. Check out the trailer below:

IMDB’s site has this synopsis: “In Silver City, Arizona, Apache Indians and Western settlers must lay their differences aside when an alien spaceship crash lands in their city.” Sounds good so far, and I can’t wait to see Daniel Craig do a classic Western American accent. But more than that, Favreau recently posted on his Twitter: “Please stop asking if Harrison Ford is in Cowboys & Aliens. Okay? He is. Please don’t tell anybody.” Well, I … can promise not to tell anybody … else?

This news is, in fact, so new that not even IMDB has Ford listed for the movie. I suppose it could just be Favreau having his fun with us, but hell, why not? The last Indy film wasn’t really that good, and ol’ Harrison’s gettin’ along in years. But his perpetually grizzled appearance fits in just fine for a frontiersy kind of tale about cowpokes and rectal probes. Seriously, the two go together like strippers and body lotion. Classic.

It’s not as though I’m not a fan of Whedon’s work. I missed out on “Buffy” and “Angel”, but I loved the hell outta “Firefly” and “Serenity”. “Dollhouse” left me cold, which is just as well, considering its cancellation, but “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” was one of my favorite releases last year. Additionally, what Joss did with “The Astonishing X-Men” was nothing short of amazing. It’s clear that he’s got Story down pat. He can write superheroes, no question. But there is an undercurrent of sly humor through most, if not all of his work. The snarky kind of dialogue Joss excels at writing is perfect for, let’s say, Spider-Man. I don’t, however, want to hear Thor or Captain America spouting it.

The Avengers are Epic. They fight cosmic-level bad-asses and involve themselves in ridiculously over-the-top adventures. The director that gets chosen for this kind of movie needs to have a similarly epic scope through his work. And though I have issues with certain aspects of the man’s filmography, I have to say that someone like Michael Bay would be great for this flick. And now that I’ve said it, I kind of hope he’s on the list — unfortunately, we don’t have access to the full list of names, and we might not ever. But one thing’s clear: Whoever is eventually chosen is going to have a gigantic job to do.

Essentially, the idea is this: “Star Wars” has been chopped up into bite-sized pieces of 15 seconds in length, 1,123 in all. Your task is to film your own version of these snippets to replace the actual film. Once all the pieces are in, it will be stitched together to create an open source masterwork.

The rules are simple. You may claim up to three scenes. There are many scenes that have more than one person working on it. Work in a 4:3 format, no sexually explicit scenes, and try not to use actual “Star Wars” audio. You can check out the original scenes, and those scenes that have been finished, but the whole thing isn’t quite done yet, from the look of the front page, though the site itself says it’s 100% done. I haven’t watched it yet, so they could be right. There are 160 free scenes listed, so it’s not too late, you auteur, you.

There’s no reason why this project needs to stop with “Star Wars”, either. Imagine a homebrew “Gremlins” or “Tremors”! Or “Jurassic Park” or “Alien” or “Predator”! I hope this continues; Hollywood needs to get knocked down a peg or two.

But now, look what has supplanted you, O Horse Man! Oh, sure, they may not be legitimate Old Spice commercials, but that hardly matters. The fact is, unless Old Spice actively moves against these commercials — produced, by the way, by Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim — then people will probably start looking for these products on store shelves, and write angry letters demanding to know why they can’t find them. This will force Old Spice to actually create Odor Blockers, which will lead to a whole weird kettle o’ fish.

Just imagine what this could mean! If you, sir or madam, have always wanted a unicorn horn sharpener, but have been stymied by the non-existence of said device, well frown no more! All you have to do is create a successful viral video, name-drop a prominent manufacturer, and voila! Your unicorn will revel in the awesome new sharpening tool that you have made manifest through sheer force of will! Who knew that all it took was a decent production budget and a powerfully-built black guy? And ladies, I hear he’s single … and he smells fantastic.

To wit: if you’re anywhere near the Bay Area of California, go visit the Justin Herman Plaza in downtown San Francisco tonight at 6:30 PM in the Hyatt Regency hotel. This will be the staging area for a planned demonstration against Encom, the evil corporation that gave the world the Master Control Program from “Tron”. At 8 PM, Encom’s Alan Bradley (remember him? The benign user whose digital alter ego is Tron himself?) will be holding a press conference. The plan is for people to bum rush the show by interrupting the event to chant “Flynn Lives!” and disrupt Encom’s plans.

Why do this? Kevin Flynn has been missing for decades … where is he, and what is Encom hiding? I’m going to try to make this event tonight, but I found out about it with such short notice I might not make it. I urge you, O Constant Reader, to attend this if you live anywhere near, and get video!

Man, that Anna Paquin is cute. There’s just something about her that makes you want to sit her on your lap and feed her candy. Or something. But like most attractive and famous people, you’ve always known you’ve never stood a chance at getting together with her. And that’s fine. Guys are used to this sort of thing. But with Paquin’s spot in the “Give A Damn” public service announcement, she announces “I’m bisexual”, and now the other half of the population gets to feel the burning longing too.

The commercial is meant to bring awareness to the daily — hourly, according to the spot — occurrence of hate crimes in this country, and a number of celebrities have rallied behind it, including Elton John, Whoopi Goldberg, Cyndi Lauper, and Eric Roberts. As a motivator, it won’t do anything to convince those who don’t already agree with its message; sorry to be pessimistic. Still, it’s encouraging to see a serious effort at turning this around.

The beast that I am, of course, is simply in envy of Paquin’s hubby-to-be, Stephen Moyer. I like to imagine that he was sitting at home watching TV when this PSA came on, and when Paquin came on and made her declaration, he did a blood-spit-take. Then he went straight to his little black book and announced it to all his former girlfriends and told them to come over, it’s cool, Anna’s bisexual. Then he left a trail of roses from the front door to the bedroom, but on a little Marvin Gaye or Concrete Blonde’s “Bloodletting” album, and let the magic happen. If he didn’t do any of these things, then I don’t want to be his friend anymore.

Notable standouts from this article: “Alien” — really, Ridley Scott? Really? What can even you do to make this anything more than a straight-up monster flick? Part of the terror of the original was in its biological horror; the sheer gut-clenching nastiness of that facehugger shoving its egg down Nash’s throat, the chest-bursting scene, etc. Cinema has since gone so far beyond that it would be difficult to match it. Also, the original Alien design is by now so iconic and copied that giving an audience more of the same would be yawn-inducing, and trying to come up with a completely new design — well, let’s just say I’m skeptical.

“Barbarella” — ehnh. In the 70’s the future looked psychedelic. These days, it’s grim and gritty. I don’t think you can pull off the kind of innocent goofiness that typifies the Barbarella ethos, but hey, it’ll be fun to see them try.

“The Black Hole” — sssssure, this could work. I can’t remember the last time Hollywood did anything with a black hole in it, and I’ve always found the very idea of one terrifying. I loved the original; it had a weird, dark tone to it that the prepubescent me found extremely appealing. For this to work, I think they’d have to focus on both the hard science of black hole physics, and the metaphysical aspect of what lies on the other side. And yes, if it’s in 3D, that might be okay.

“Bourne” — Too soon, Hollywood.

“The Crow” — Too unnecessary. Well, let me rephrase that. In a world where Juggalos exist, what’s so special about a dude who paints his face black and white? I think of this franchise the way I do the “Highlander” franchise. While in a theater once, long ago, the trailer for “Highlander: The Source” came on screen. When the narration reached the inevitable point where someone says “There can be only one”, someone in the audience shouted out “There should have BEEN only one!” And there you go. Actually, you can apply that to most of the movies on this list.

“Dune” — If this movie can wash out the taste of the Syfy remake, then I’m all for it. No matter what it turns out to be.

“Flash Gordon” — Maybe. If they’re smart, they’ll keep the Queen theme song.

“Gilligan’s Island” — what the hell? That premise only works if it’s a tv show, where each week you see the castaways make a new attempt to get off the island. As a movie, I can’t see it meaning anything at all.

“Hawai’i Five-O” — this hasn’t happened already?

“The Howling” — hell yeah, PLEASE give me more good werewolf fiction already. Give me the guy who did “Dog Soldiers”, I’m on-board.

“Monster Squad” — We are poised to bring back the word “nards” to the public.

“The Phantom Tollbooth” — I’m a huge fan of the book; just read it to my 6 year old son, actually. This could be a fantastic 3D animated flick. I’m a little concerned that all the literary and grammatical puns might not translate that well to screen, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try.

“The Shadow” — Hmmm. I don’t know. Intriguing enough, but who’s alive today who remembers the radio plays, and would be interested in another attempt on this?

“The Warriors” — It’s been long enough now that I think someone could update this. At the very least, it would be appropriately messed-up in ways that the original, good as it was, was not.

“Westworld” — Absofriggin’lutely. There’s all sorts of room here for some great satire, “Terminator” jokes, plastic surgery riffs, public figures as robots, etc. This was one of Michael Crichton’s better ideas, and I’m glad to see it make a comeback. So where the hell is the “Coma” remake?

Check out the entire list and be amazed at Hollywood’s idea of innovation. Chime in with the remakes you’d like to see!

Man, what would we do without Google? Not only do they give us the opportunity to fritter away our previous productive time on increasingly bizarre searches for “llama lingerie”, but now they’ve gone and made it possible for our pets to speak to us in English!

Google Translate for Animals is a fantastic new iPhone app that lets you record the vocalizations of your favorite animal; the video shows a nice list, including Rabbit, Guinea Pig, Hamster, Horse, Bird, etc. All you have to do is choose the proper animal type, hit the record button, and the app will either give you a transcript, or output your animal’s sounds into rendered speech.

Ever wonder if your cat really loves you, or just thinks of you as a slave? Trying to determine if your hamster actually enjoys running on its treadmill or is really just worried about its blood pressure? Suspect that your parrot actually does know what it’s saying when it keeps repeating “Skanky whore” over and over again? Now you can find out for sure, with Google Translate for Animals! Man, I can’t wait to find out whether or not Mr. Fluffernutter is just using me for body heat, or if he really means it when he snuggles up next to me.

And to think, they waited until April Fools’ Day to announce it!

…

Wait a minute …

First up, “The Warlords”, featuring Jet Li, Andy Lau, and Takeshi Kaneshiro. Remember when Jet Li said he was done making those historical kung fu movies where his head is shaved except for that long queue in the back? Yeah. He lied. Well, this isn’t strictly a kung fu movie, but damn if he isn’t sporting that ancient Chinese warrior look for this. It’s a film on a grand scale, with gigantic combat scenes, lots of sword work, cannon-fire explosions, and grimacing into each other’s faces — pretty much what you want from a Jet Li flick, am I right? The trailer gives just enough to get you interested, but not so much that you know what happens even before seeing it. Check it out below:

Next up, “Clash of the Titans”, starring Sam “Avatar” Worthington. I was prepared to write this off until I saw the latest trailer for it, which made me grudgingly admit to being interested. For one thing, it’s in 3D, and I’m ready for some serious 3D monster mash action. For another thing, I watched a clip of the new Kalibos kicking ass and being generally tough-as-nails, which is not at all what I remember of the character from the original movie. Finally, did you see the size of the Kraken in this? Some have ridiculed the actual look of the thing, but hell, I’m not gonna argue that. Humongous, tentacled, ring-toothed, that’s all I need. Check out the trailer below:

There are, however, particular songs that you can’t ignore, even when you’re trying to. The best of these have a verbal hook, something that must tie in to some ancestral memory. There must be some original Ur-language that’s encoded into our very genes, and when we hear its primal phonemes, we are racially motivated to ululate in congress. Here are five songs that take advantage of that sound to awesome effect.

5. “Land of a Thousand Dances“, Wilson Pickett

The actual “na’s” don’t occur with frequency throughout this classic, but as an invitation to party, they can’t be beat. An even-toned, rapid-fire challenge to Boogie Central, Pickett’s riff is nothing short of a wake-up call. Though he didn’t write it — that distinction goes to Chris Kenner — ol’ W.P.’s version is by far the most outstanding.

4. “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye“, Steam

This is a stadium favorite. Pretty much anything that lets you blast out with “HEY HEY HEY” at regular intervals just has to be good. As a taunt, it allows fans to not only lord it over the losing side, but to bond with each other at the same time. And here’s the weird part: I don’t know anyone who actually knows the lyrics to the rest of the song.

3. “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin‘”, Journey

Say what you will about this arena rock group, Journey crafted the ultimate “ha ha, good for you” song, second only perhaps to the melody of Queen’s “We Are the Champions”. The best part of this is the way the “na’s” are introduced: Steve Perry sings “Now it’s your turn, girl, to cry”, and Steve Smith puts an exclamation point on that with the bass drum. Next thing we know, it’s time to point and laugh … in harmony.

2. “Centerfold“, J. Geils Band

An enduring classic, it’s difficult to keep singing the hook in repetition, as there’s little time to take breaths between instances. This is also, like the first item on this list, a purely rhythmic device. Not to break it down too scientifically, but the riff bears no other purpose than just to sound cool. And it does, echoing the organ line of the opening, that bare, pared-down tone with ever-so-slight reverb that announces itself with aplomb. And best of all, it’s impossible not to see the video in your head when you hear the song. If you’ve seen it, of course. If you haven’t, enjoy.

1. “Hey Jude“, The Beatles

This beats “Centerfold” for its all-inclusive, everybody get up and sing feeling. It’s got it all: pure rhythm, simple melody, enough breath room, that high, ringing series of notes … if you deny how powerful this riff is, then you haven’t sung it yourself. To their credit, the Beatles let the “na’s” go on for quite a while — four minutes, apparently, which makes the coda longer than the rest of the song that precedes it. Smart, because that’s clearly the best part of the whole thing. And man, can that McCartney ramble! A little English soul goes a long, long way.

I don’t want you to read this post until after you’ve watched the trailer, so go ahead.

So here’s the thing: I love “Tron“. I will watch it whenever I get the chance. But man, this new trailer almost seems like it’s promoting a different movie. It truly goes to show that editing is an art, not a science. Hell, it’s why so many movies manage to bring folks in, even if they’re complete pieces of crap. But this thing? Awesome.

Of course, the “Tron Legacy” movie has so much to live up to. Can it possibly match the original’s sense of wonder and adventure without seeming either derivative or parodic? Can this movie be seen without having seen the original? Will David Warner be in it?

Here’s what I hope: that “Tron Legacy” expands the universe without being slavish to what’s gone before. I hope that the designs don’t “extremeify” themselves beyond what might be considered a natural progression. I hope there’s as much philosophy behind this as there was in the original screenplay, and that it isn’t just an excuse to show some slow-motion combat, a la “300“. I hope Flynn is a bad guy. I hope the story revolves around his assumption of the reins that Sark was forcibly thrust from. I hope that the Tron universe is self-contained and that it doesn’t spread out to infect the Internet, or something stupid like that. I don’t want to see humans being sucked into computers left and right and the world imperiled. This should be it’s own thing top to bottom.

End of line.

You try to pay with your credit card, but are denied. One of your Eagles pays the bill instead, and you reassure him that he will be reimbursed by the RNC. Later, you get this reimbursement approved, and all is well, until this transaction is noted by the Federal Election Commission. Shit rains down, and you are fired. The question is: why did you think this was even remotely a good idea?

Pundits are predicting that Michael Steele, the RNC Chairman, will probably survive the fallout from this incident; official reports are that he was away while all this was taking place and didn’t know what was going on. But that hardly matters at this point. It’s just ironic that we hear this kind of story so often, with variations, involving Republicans in power: an organization that claims to stand for moral rectitude keeps finding its members involved in dodgy pursuits. Why is this? Wouldn’t it be okay to just say that people are people, and when placed in situations of excess, it’s easy for them to step out of line? Shouldn’t we be more forgiving of each other and learn from our mistakes, rather than condemning them for simply being human?

Naaahhh. This is more fun. Forget I said any of that tolerance stuff. Go ahead and continue to point and laugh.

Honestly, I think people don’t give Steven Seagal enough credit. Hear me out before you pick up that pitchfork. I’d say that most people know him from his 80’s string of action flicks — “Above the Law”, “Hard To Kill”, “Marked For Death”, and other equally generic and forgettable names. This is too bad, because those are not great movies. But they’re not great in a kind of enjoyable way. You know you’re going to get tons of Seagal attitude and not-believable action.

But the thing is, Seagal’s style of martial arts is Aikido, which looks completely fake until it’s being done to you. I used to scoff at its efficacy until I had a friend do some Aikido on me. You know those ridiculous scenes where it looks like the hero just grabs a bad guy’s wrist and the dude flips himself over? Well, that’s what happened to me: my friend grabbed my wrist, and I flipped myself over. I flipped myself because if I didn’t, the bones in my wrist were going to snap in half. That’s why Aikido doesn’t look like anything on the big screen — it’s all internal.

The crazy thing is, Seagal still makes movies. Look at his IMDB page. Tons of stuff on there! Granted, he produces them all himself, but he’s got quite a nice little niche existence going. And that’s not even counting his reality TV show “Steven Seagal: Lawman”. It’s just that he flies beneath the radar of the mass audience, so I don’t even consider him until I see video of him being an Aikido bad-ass, and I think “Hey, I should go rent one of his recent movies … just to see, y’know?” But unless they’re streaming on Netflix, it’s just not gonna happen any time soon.

I guess what I’m saying is, pony tail or not, I salute you, Steven Seagal. You’re okay in my book. Anyone who’s got a credit in the Onion Movie as “Cock Puncher” has got to be doing something right.

” … I might be able to make some claim to the land beneath it, if not even more territory,” he said recently, which statement is ludicrous on its own, even if you know nothing about the way actual land ownership works here on Earth, much less on Luna. Essentially, he’s saying that I could drive my car over to your place and park it on the lawn, thereby owning your front yard. Which made me just now go through this mental process: Hey, if that’s the way he thinks, then I’m heading over to his place with my just-bought school bus! Wait, no, he’s Lord British — if anybody in America has a private army of paladins, it’s gonna be him. I’m staying the hell away from there.

It’s great to be Garriott, I’ll bet. Your very whims become reality, and you’re used to looking down at Earth from orbit, musing over which island nation to purchase next for your upcoming party in which you hand everyone who walks in a halberd and a chainmail vest, then force them all to melée for your amusement. Man, I wanna be a game designer SO BAD.

Badu filmed the video guerilla-style in her hometown of Dallas, Texas, very close to the site of John Kennedy’s assassination, which was part of her message. She plays with themes of individuality and conformity in her video, but of course it’s the nudity that is getting the bulk of the attention. Which is, in a way, also part of the idea. At the end of the video, Erykah states “They who play it safe, are quick to assassinate what they don’t understand. They move in packs, ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another. They feel more comfortable in groups, less guilt to swallow. They are us. This is what we have become, afraid to respect the individual.”

According to Badu, the bystanders are all just random people who happened to be present that day, and most of them were trying to ignore what she was doing. She points out the one guy picking up her clothes (you can see him early on in the video) in the background, but she didn’t stick around to find him, being more concerned with getting out of the area before the police showed up to arrest her for public indecency. It’s a one-take video, and it works well.

Anyway, the latest on Norman Leboon is that he’s been arrested for threatening to kill GOP representative Eric Cantor and his family. There’s some fantastic video of the guy on The Tubes for your searching pleasure, but here are some good ones, aggregated by the Wonkette herself.

But more than his terroristic threats, for which he could receive a 15-year stint in prison if found guilty, I take issue with his stance that the movie “Babe” should be removed from video stores. Why? Because he was created by Lucifer. “He was a pig god, and that’s all he was,” says Leboon, and I guess he would know from pig gods. And to back up his claim, he goes on to talk about “A Christ on a cross. A cross on a Christ. A white man with long hair and big, beautiful blue eyes.” And then he leans in to really let the viewer have it, and talks about … how it was actually a black man with long dreadlocks, and he was evil, or something … honestly, I had trouble keeping up with where he was allocating his pronouns, but watch the video, it’s awesome. It’s what YouTube was meant to be.

“The time has instead been sold to smaller firms offering such products as Kaopectate, Carbonite, 1-800-PetMeds and Goldline International,” says the Post. And that should have been everyone’s wake up call moment, right there: Carbonite. Remember when Darth Vader used it to freeze Han Solo and send him off with Boba Fett? If you’re endorsed by the Empire, shouldn’t that send up a red flag of some sort?

Anyway, Apple’s boycott of Fox means that its iPad product, due to launch in April, won’t be given any advertising time on the network. Considering how big that network’s audience is, that could conceivably affect sales, at least at launch, though it does make me wonder exactly what the Venn diagram looks like for Apple enthusiasts who are also Fox watchers. It’s probably not that much of a crossover, but still, it’s a risk for Apple to manage. At the same time, as a staunch Apple guy myself (I still bleed in six colors), I’m not terribly interested in an iPad at all. I’ll just keep my eyes peeled for Glenn Beck’s anti-Apple rant, which is sure to come sooner or later.

Who would you pick for the role of Scott Pilgrim? Someone young and tough, like Channing Tatum, perhaps? Nope, it’s Michael Cera. The apotheosis of Mild himself. But I have to say, it totally works, judging by the really really really quick glimpses of the Chinese wire-work, over-the-top kung fu action of the fighting sequences the trailer reveals. I’m willing to believe it, anyway. When you see a guy get thrown into the top floor of a multi-level building from blocks away, you realize that there’s no accounting for reality, so Michael Cera works just fine.

Oh, and did I mention it’s directed by Edgar Wright, the man who gave us “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz”. There you go; if you weren’t into it before, you must be now, or we just can’t be friends anymore. But do check out the trailer below. That’ll tell you all you need to know about this flick, and why you are excited to see it, even if you didn’t realize it yet.

At any rate, the “official” items to use are Swarovski crystals, though I imagine there is a percentage of the audience for this practice who will use whatever they damn well please. Wood chips, torn-up bits of C-notes, actual living butterflies, you name it. Whatever looks “good”. And just to prove that this is a thing that is happening, you can check out this video of Jennifer Love Hewitt (with whom this practice is apparently connected, I don’t wanna know how) being presented with a gift of some crystals and a bottle of Elmer’s Glue by none other than Dame Edna on The View.

Those View ladies! So unafraid to tackle the big topics and get right down to the nitty gritty. Let me ask you guys. When unwrapping a gift of a sexy lady, and coming face to face with a vajazzled … area … is it a turn-on? Is it a turn-off? What do you think about this, and would you gift your girlfriend, wife, or mistress with a set?

First up: John Cusack and Rob Corddry in “Hot Tub Time Machine”, surely a self-explanatory title. In case it isn’t clear, here’s what happens. Four guys go on a skiing trip. They get into a hot tub. They party. The end up back in time, in the 80’s to be slightly more accurate. They need to figure out how to get back to their own time. And once again, Hilarity and Hijinks Ensue™.

Corddry, this is your moment. Tired of Steve Carell and Ed Helms gettin’ theirs while you slog it around back at Comedy Central? Now’s your time to shine, baby. And Cusack, what the hell are you doing in this movie? You were in “The Grifters”, man! Gah, whatever, he’s got comedic chops for sure. I’ll probably see this, which I wouldn’t have said before watching the red-band trailer, which you can now do as well:

Next up, my dark horse favorite, “Waking Sleeping Beauty”. This is a documentary about how Disney’s animation studio came back to prominence after a string of poorly-performing animated films put them so deep in the hole they were in danger of going extinct. This is basically a feel-good movie for anyone who really cares about good animation. Featuring rarely-seen footage, and interviews with the heavyweights of the business, this film will either send you from the theater completely jazzed to be alive or depressed that for all the hard work and humanism put into the hand-drawn classic films, the future does seem to be 3D. But for a while there, it was Camelot. Check out the trailer below:

First of all, let’s just say it: Major General Nick Justice is the greatest military name since Sergeant Slaughter. If this guy ever quit the military, he would be morally obligated to become a private detective. Or maybe a superhero. Second of all, wanna snipe terrorists in the field? There’s an app for that. Third of all, I sincerely hope that these discussions weren’t centered around modifying existing iPhone or iPad technology to suit the combat environment. These things can’t be used to stop bullets or survive the innumerable drops that they would certainly be prone to experiencing.

Instead, they have to be thinking of something like the Dell E6400 — rugged, performant under extreme conditions, etc. Also, something that can handle heavily-encrypted transmissions over a private wireless network, and preferably with Apple’s famously easy-to-use interface. Can they do it? If they did, would they make it available to the public at some point? I’m to the point where I’d sign up for the military for something like this; anything to get away from having to use the AT&T network.