First of all, go look it up in any dictionary you choose to use. Do you see any racial denotations or connotations? No, you don’t, because they don’t exist. Thug, criminal, violent youth, these are all synonyms for the word “hooligan”.

Second of all, “The (teacher) code of ethics says you can’t embarrass kids or make disparaging remarks about kids,” said Ray Tampa, president of the St. Petersburg branch of the NAACP. Let’s consider the context here. Clark wasn’t saying this to students’ faces, or purposefully trying to denigrate them; she was making a point.

Third of all, and most important, calling someone a hoodlum (a tough, often aggressive or violent youth; a young ruffian) isn’t a slur if he is in fact a hoodlum. “They might be disruptive. They might be in gangs. They might be many things, but they are not hoodlums,” said board member Mary Brown, not realizing that she just made the case for why they are actually hoodlums. For a school, the lack of critical thought on display here is outstanding.

To her credit, Clark will not apologize, nor should she. An attempt was made to say that the meanings of words change over time, and that’s why people are blowing up over this, but think about it: when was the last time you heard someone use the term “hoodlum” to mean anything other than what it really means? There is no evolutionary step that has made this word in any way as offensive as these reactionaries are making it out to be. Good for Janet Clark for sticking to her point, even if she loses her job for it. That’s not the kind of place in which you want to work, Janet. Too many ignoramuses there. Uh oh, am I being racist?

Opening this weekend are a couple of films that have absolutely nothing in common with each other, each of which seem like a good time. First up, “She’s Out of My League”, starring Jay Baruchel and Alice Eve. This is clearly one of those movies that has the spirit of John Hughes (rest in peace) all over it. Young dudes acting goofy, attractive girls who ordinarily would have nothing to do with said dudes, hilarity and hijinks ensue. The twist here is that the film acknowledges the unlikeliness of the two getting together, and uses that as the premise: how can a guy keep a girl when he doesn’t even know how he got her in the first place?

Perhaps the only thing potentially keeping me from seeing this movie is the idea of having to watch Jay Baruchel as a romantic lead. No offense to the guy, but he’s so dorky it’s almost painful to watch him. It’s hard for me to imagine actually rooting for him, so I’m left hoping the rest of the actors fill in the gaps. Check out the trailer below and decide for yourself if you can stomach it.

Next up, “Green Zone”, featuring Matt Damon directed by Paul Greengrass. If you’re wondering why that sounds familiar, it’s because the two teamed up on “The Bourne Supremacy” and “The Bourne Ultimatum”. So if the trailer gives you a sense of déja vu, now you know why.

Inspired by the book “Imperial Life in the Emerald City”, the movie tells the story of one soldier’s hunt for the truth behind the actions of a government-controlled special ops group. I think. The trailer is a little disjointed and confusing. Really, all you need to know is it’s Matt Damon basically doing the Bourne thing again, only a little less superheroey. It’s also got Greg Kinnear and Brendan Gleeson in it, so hey, I’m on-board. Shakily-shot close-quarters combat and military hardware gunplay? Done and done. Check out the trailer below and place your bets over who’d win in a fight: Jason Bourne, or Roy Miller.

“She is unbelievable … She is the sweetest, most lovable, happy girl I’ve ever been with,” rhapsodized Clay. Mr. and Mrs. Silverstein chose a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, complete with rabbi and chair dance … though not the one you’d expect from a Vegas wedding, where Clay has a 3-month engagement to do stand up comedy.

I’m happy for anyone who finds someone they want to be with for the rest of their lives, even if it doesn’t last. But I didn’t expect to hear about this news, given the guy at the center of it all. One wonders if his act has changed at all, because this certainly doesn’t seem to fit in with the misogynistic crudity of his more famous routines. But hey, if this brings Clay back into the public perception — despite his stint in Celebrity Apprentice — then maybe there’s a chance we might see a second Ford Fairlane movie? ‘Cause despite my disdain for his comedy, I actually enjoyed that flick. It’ll never happen, I know that, but let a guy dream. And hey, if ADC can get a girl, maybe I can too.

That’s all apparently behind her now, she’s getting a fresh start with a new professional sport, her coaches are thrilled to have her, blah blah blah. To me, here’s the best bit: “She passed a lie detector test administered by an FBI agent confirming that she was not drug-enhanced.” An agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, one must presume to be trained in all aspects of administering the polygraph test, was fooled by track and field superstar Marion Jones. The effin’ Bee Eye couldn’t see through her, and she’s not even a suspected terrorist. See, I knew that thing was complete crap. Why do they still use it? What kills me is that even after all of that, she went ahead and confessed anyway. The hell?

What does this mean for her future in the WNBA? Honestly, probably nothing. She’s on the straight and narrow now, living cleanly and honestly, and that’s great. But 2000 was 10 years ago, yo. What’s she been doing since? Why is this a story otherwise? Marion Jones, I salute you. I hope your new career treats you well, and that you avoid slipping back into bad waters. BUT! If you should feel the need to tell us more scandalous things, I’m always available.

This is interesting news, especially given the choice of Bigpoint as the developer. Looking at their site shows a great number of online games, but games that I’d consider somewhat light fare, featuring none of the depth of something like World of Warcraft, for example. They’re more akin to casual MMOs, where you are sharing the online space, but the interaction is a good deal less involved.

Also, despite the appeal of Caprica, is there really a large enough audience for this universe anymore? You’ll notice that in my referenced article, I just said I was watching the final season; I didn’t say I liked it. Would an MMO do enough to cleanse the gaming palate, making it okay to revisit that universe? There is no current launch date for this project, no screens, no news other than the intention to build this game. These things founder and sink mid-project all the time; could it happen to something with enough big names behind it like NBC and Syfy? Maybe the Cylons do have a plan, but does Bigpoint?

Apparently a recent article in online-magazine Jezebel mentioned the author’s constipation caused this man to send correspondence about it, which led in turn to his willingness to be interviewed on the subject. For those expecting this to wade into some dark pit of bizarre behavior, you’ll be disappointed — “Tom” is well-spoken, articulate, and the questions are respectful and ask about the main points you’d expect. Mainly, I’d have to say that I’m thankful that we’ve reached a stage with the Internet where it’s possible for people who might otherwise feel alone in an uncaring world now might share their experiences; distance means nothing to the Net.

And strangely enough, the greatest quote from the piece isn’t something strange or tawdry, but a line that best sums it all up: “I am like a man, in terms of the eternal quest for novelty.”

But I’m being silly. America was built on the idea of consumption. History is rich with tales of intrepid frontiersmen, always exploring, looking for more — more land, more resources, more more more. Why shouldn’t we continue this grand tradition?

Not hungry? Watch a show about food. Now you’re ready to go out and buy stuff! Feeling dissatisfied with what you’re already eating? Check out a show about foreign foods and purchase a plane ticket to go buy more stuff overseas! Or better yet, feel empty and depressed about the kinds of food you just can’t get, and buy other things to fill the emotional void!

Nevermind that so many other countries barely have enough for daily meals, or that we only have the foggiest idea of what happens to all these boxes and containers and cartons when we throw them away … as long as our immediate needs are satisfied, who cares, right? In the end, it’s all about excess. Excess is success as Gordon Gekko would tell you. That’s America. So, how many more food shows will we get in the next 10 years? The answer: all of them. And honestly, they can’t get here fast enough for me. Quick, fill the hole in my life with stuff!

Weep no more, future cubicle monkey! “100 Totally Awesome DIY Projects For Your Dorm Room” can help! For the low, low cost of no money down and no money for months after, you can reap the benefits of other people’s ingenuity and learn how to spice up your domicile with these handy tips.

Organized by categories like “Wall Decor”, “Organization and Storage”, “For the Bed”, and “Party Time”, this page of links gives you everything you need to make your cell-away-from-home a place to actually look forward to inhabiting. Most of these projects have the average student’s budget in mind, so you don’t need to worry about spending your precious beer funds on livening up the shack. I mean, c’mon, don’t you want to know how to make a beer-launching fridge? Sure you do! And really, any list that includes something called a “draft snake” is worth the price of admission alone. Check it out!

Apparently the thing is playable, able to plug into an amp for full-on shreddin’, yow! It’s really meant to be a game controller, though, not necessarily a gateway drug into the dark world of professional musicianship. This seems like a move to mollify everyone who keeps saying that gamers should put the fake rigs down and pick up a real axe and learn how to play fo’ reals, yo. But the kinds of people who are into Rock Band and Guitar Hero have already committed to those games; are they really going to want to deal all over again with mastering a new, more complex instrument to play second- or third-tier songs, or at best, play again the songs they’ve already played to death?

This product is about five years too late at least. Sure, some will play it, and some will dig it. But there’s no way this will thrive in an already over-saturated market. Mark my words: the next evolution of the music game genre will be the title I’m currently developing: ShamanMania. A game in which you have to drop peyote buttons and try to keep the rhythm with the rest of your tribesmen in order to connect with the Great Spirit and attain enlightenment. The best part? There is no game console. Stuff THAT in your plastic controller and toke it.

Watching the new trailer, though, has alleviated at least some of that worry. It’s not a reimagining, necessarily, though it’s clearly not the same universe we visited previously — or, rather, it is, but with several content patches applied. They’ve managed to keep the streamlined aesthetic, the bold neon, and the moody darkness, yet it all looks modern and new. And holy crap, I need to know what Flynn’s been doing for the past 25 years. And Alan’s in it! And Steven Lisberger has a role too! And it’s in IMAX 3D! And I think my brain just blew off the top of my skull!

Will this play to an audience who might not have seen the original? I think so, yes. The trailer sells it pretty well. It gives you just enough to ask questions and care about what the answers might be, and it’s got the Young Hollywood thing going, with “Friday Night Lights” star Garrett Hedlund and Olivia Wilde both in prominent roles. And what’s John Hurt doing in this who cares he’s awesome.

Oh man, I hope this thing’s good. Check out the trailer below!

The “Girlfriend” commercial, which debuted during this year’s Super Bowl, features yet another of those freaky ads where two babies are “talking” about finance. Near the end of the commercial, the name “Lindsay” is mentioned (the exact spelling is never displayed) and a third baby enters the frame and says “Milka-whaaa?” Lohan seems to think that — and bear in mind, this is in fact a stretch — the ad is calling her … some sort of … boyfriend-stealing … addictive personality? I guess?

Stephanie Ovadia, Lohan’s lawyer: “Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit. This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

Really, Lindsay? Really? You know what, you’re probably right. Never mind the fact that when I hear the name “Lindsay”, I think of Lindsay Wagner, the Bionic Woman. But no, you’re right. You are absolutely a celebrity on par with the likes of Cher, Madonna, and Meryl. You’re THAT influential. Your body of work is THAT great and held in esteem. I mean, hey, you did “Herbie: Fully Loaded” and “I Know Who Killed Me”, two of America’s finest contributions to cinema.

Also, you really know how to manage a perceived slight. Because really, the best way to negate anything anyone says about you is to go ballistic and sue them. Because that proves that there’s really nothing of substance to the issue. You go, girl! No one messes with the Lohan!

I won’t spoil it for you, as part of the fun is seeing who pops up, but it’s not just that it’s funny that makes it such a gem, it’s that it’s, plain and simple, just well-done. Jimmy can craft a complete sketch, he can, right down to a denouement, if I won’t be lynched for using that term. Suffice to say that while I probably won’t make a habit of catching his show, I look forward to seeing his next viral video. But more than that, this sketch deserves the full-on movie treatment, complete with a trailer featuring the classic “In a world … ”

It would be the ultimate cameo fest, a chance for every actor in Hollywood to step up and declare themselves handsome without fear of reprisal. There would be reprisal, of course (I’m looking in your direction, Perez Hilton), but that’s just part of the fun. And you just know Rob Schneider would be in there somewhere. I mean, if “The Ladies’ Man” can become a flick, why can’t this? And just think of the heartbreak of the actors who get passed over for cameos! Final, incontrovertible proof that they are not, despite what they hold in their heart of hearts, handsome.

I invite you, dear reader, to leave your picks for Not Handsome in the comments. All those nominated will form their own group, the “We Are TOO Handsome Men’s Club”, sort of like a Legion of Doom to the Handsome Men’s Club’s Justice League. And that’s the plot of the movie, right there, done. Roman Polanski, your next project’s waiting.

And yes, that’s one way to look at it. Another way is that it’s the male gender’s comeuppance. Let’s face it, men have been behaving badly for centuries. Women deserve to have a show where they can watch women of dubious prominence kind of “stick it to the man” as it were. I’d be more for this reversal if it were a different group of ladies doing the sticking, frankly, but I’m still all for it. And when was the last time you heard a guy complain that he was being sized up?

I won’t speak for women, but I know that men are no more immune to compliments than you’d expect them to be. I certainly don’t perceive any mean-spirited nature to what the hosts of The View say to their male guests; they save that stuff for each other. Honestly, this complaint seems picked right out of the ’80s, when men were expected to embrace their — ironically — “feminine side.” In the end, a statement must be accepted in the spirit in which it was given. Even if you don’t like the source, it’s meant to be a positive thing. Now, man up, Zac, and let Cougar Walters salivate over you!

Senator Ashburn was released after his DUI arrest on a $1,400 bail bond. He promptly issued a statement of apology in which he says he’s “prepared to accept the consequences” of what he’s done. I may be speaking out of turn here — ’cause, y’know, that’s kinda my job — but do you think he’s hoping for a spanking? If I wanted to be generous, I’d say that maybe he came to realize his sexuality really late in his life, by which time he’d been entrenched in the Republican lifestyle, and has since felt that coming out would threaten his career, which it most certainly would. As it JUST HAS.

Actually, strike that last. We live in an increasingly permissive society, and nowhere is this more apparent than in the arena of national politics. If the GOP can find any use for this guy, he’ll stick around. This too will blow over … just like Senator Ashburn! My real question is, has Sacramento’s gay community been secretly waiting for this to happen? Why would you welcome someone you know publicly reviles your lifestyle? They had to know he’d be outed sooner or later; it’s not that big a town. Is there hypocrisy on both sides of the story here? Whatever, this isn’t anything new, and we’ll certainly see it again. In fact, just forget this is a story at all. Go back to watching that awesome OK Go video.

First up, “Ninja Assassin“, from the Wachowski Brothers. I get the feeling that “The Matrix” really opened things up for these boys, in the sense that they seem able to pitch whatever the hell they want to studios and they get a green light, no matter how stupid an idea it is. “V For Vendetta” was seriously flawed, “Speed Racer” was incredibly dumb, but that doesn’t matter because now we have a movie about ninjas fighting each other, a good two decades past the time when ninjas were cool. I don’t know. I just don’t know. It’s nice that they put Sho Kosugi in this, but I can’t get behind it. I just get the terrible feeling it’s going to try to do more than just give you hyperkinetic action sequences, and that’s always where the Wachowskis go wrong. They’re like two dudes who took a philosophy class and suddenly think they’re full of amazing thoughts that no one has ever considered before, and just have to tell you about them using labored, stilted dialogue and over-stylized, moody cinematography. But hey, maybe it’ll be great. Maybe this time they’ll finally give us more than vapidity. Maybe … but you guys will have to tell me about it. Check out the trailer below:

Next up, “The Road“, written by Cormac McCarthy, the man who gave the world “No Country For Old Men”, so you know it’ll be hilarious. I read the original novel and it was one of the bleakest, most soul-wrenching experiences I’ve ever had. Part of its effect might be the fact that it played on all of my fears of being a father and failing my son in numerous ways, part of it is the world that McCarthy exposes and explores in his prose, which is another complete nightmare. My wife saw this movie a couple of days ago and related that it’s pretty much just like the book, which means that I will never see it; I don’t need to give this story more of a home in my psyche than it already has. But it was brilliant, make no mistake. So if you’re feeling the need for some ass-kicking hopelessness, do go see this film. Check out the trailer below:

Roberts has been exchanging letters with Manson, who remains in prison and apparently signs all correspondence with swastikas.

One would assume that this is a devastating revelation to anyone, but maybe moreso to Roberts, who says, “I don’t even kill bugs.” This is yet another example that the universe is a capricious beast that loves to hand us … let’s call them “challenges” to be charitable. Personally, if it were me, I don’t know that I’d even bother to correspond with Manson. What could one possibly get out of a continuing relationship with the guy? Knife-handling tips? Lessons in how to avoid being shanked in prison? A heart-to-heart talk on interpreting Beatles lyrics? For the sake of us all, I sincerely hope that once he found out, Matthew threw his head back and screamed “No. No. That’s not true. That’s IMPOSSIBLE!!” and then let go of the mechanical strut and dropped into the windy abyss.

I may be confusing realities here.

Next up is “New Moon“, the next installment in the “Twilight” franchise. The populace seems to be pretty divided about this series, with some clutching it to their heaving bosoms and declaring undying (or undead) love, and others wishing for a stake through the heart — their own hearts, which will spare them from having to live through another two movies after this second one flies out. I’ve neither read the books nor seen the movies, but even before all this hype, I was done with vampires. There’s nothing new going on, nothing exciting happening, and I’m a werewolf fan anyway.

So imagine my surprise to find a guy who turns not just into a wolf, but a gigantic freaking wolf at that. More like a dire wolf, my D&D brethren. That almost got me interested, until I saw the trailer with all of Bella’s moping smack in place, and I just went and had a steak instead. It’s unlikely that this movie will change your opinion of “Twilight” either way, but hey, at least there’s werewolves in it. Check out the trailer below:

It’s typical for ninjas who have failed in their mission to sacrifice some part of themselves for the honor of the clan. If you’ve already dishonored yourself by potentially fatally harming yourself, what then becomes the punishment? Honestly, I’m just surprised that ninjas are still in the public consciousness. The last good ninja movie was, what, at least ten years ago? The upcoming Wachowski brothers movie “Ninja Assassin” notwithstanding, haven’t we moved on to pretending to be Shaolin monks or Ultimate Fighters by now? Hell, even being a Viking surely carries more cachet at this point than ninjas do.

Speedy recovery to the Michael Dudikoff wannabe, though. If you think scars are cool, then man, you hit the jackpot. Just tell them you got it while fighting a ninja, not being one.

Now, we’re all adults here, presumably. I think we can puzzle out what the acronym TWILF stands for. But the speculation has led people to seek an actual definition, with the result seeming to be something involving farting in the bathtub. That seems pretty unlikely, but even if we assume that to be true, the usage of “twilf” in conjunction with Twitter makes the meaning obvious.

What’s even funnier is that a great many sites are calling Al Gore out for this attack on Palin, even though I doubt very much that he had anything to do with the cartoon. Just because it’s partly his company doesn’t mean that he oversees every aspect of its day-to-day functions. What’s more, “GUN-HO” is an even more egregious attack than “twilf”, don’t you think? While it’s clearly a play on the term “gung ho”, usage of the word “ho” will probably be taken as a slur referring to loose sexual practice instead.

But above all else, this is satire and parody. All this kind of talk is allowable. I think everyone needs to calm down a bit and go back to whatever it was they were doing before they ever decided to become outraged by proxy on Palin’s behalf. She’s a big girl; she can defend herself. With a gun, apparently.

Starting today, WoW players will be able to claim their 5-charge Mohawk Grenades from Night Elf vendors outside every starting zone. What do they do? If you throw a Mohawk Grenade at another player, he or she will be temporarily given the Mr. T night Elf Mohawk appearance, as seen in the picture in this post. Mr. T makes the World of Warcraft look GOOOOD.

Chances are, if you’re not already playing WoW, you’ll just think this is more stupidity for pasty-faced shut-ins with too much time on their hands. If you are a player, though, you’ll likely love the fact that Blizzard is cool enough to have taken a one-time throwaway joke and turned it into a worldwide event. Either way, congratulations to Mr. T for keeping his name current in the hearts and minds of millions!

The move is said to be to curb a trend toward violence centered on metrosexual fashion, though the article — and probably the initiative itself — fails to state whether metrosexuals are thought of as the instigators or the receivers of said violence. “We wanted to shed light on the problems with nightlife in Australia. We took everything that we disliked about going out to clubs and inverted it … no dressing up like David Beckham,” said party promoter Scott Mellor.

Will banning metrosexuals make nightclub crawls more or less fun? Part of the enjoyment for me is making fun of dudes who think they look good but don’t, no matter what they’re dressed in, though I will admit it’s a lot easier to spot these folks when they’re all frosted and shiny. But I wouldn’t be surprised if the Ding Dong Lounge — tee hee — starts losing revenue based on this decision. Who but metrosexuals go out enough during the week to make having a nightclub a paying proposition? Isn’t this like opening a catnip club and banning all felines?

However, the move to de-Christianize the annual event has angered the city’s church officials, who claim that this event will remove and deny the season’s true reason for existence. “Christmas is a Christian festival, and the dropping of the term Christmas lights and the telling of the Christmas story is an erosion of the religious festival,” stated The Reverend Allan Webster, Dundee’s chaplain.

He also said, “I am not knocking the whole programme. It is important for all faiths to be able to celebrate their festivals and I must stress I would also be concerned if people of any other religion had theirs diluted.” The city council has not made any official statement regarding the change from last year’s event. I have to say, it does seem obvious that the city is purposefully removing the religious significance of the holiday in favor of a more secular event, probably in the hopes of creating something that will be inclusive of everyone, rather than exclusive of non-Christian faiths. But this is not the way to go about doing that. At the same time, I’d be willing to bet that thousands, if not millions of people around the world already pay lip service to actual Christianity during a celebration without even thinking of its true significance; this event is merely crystallizing that. I’m interested to see if Dundee escapes a good smiting before this is all over.

For one thing, it’s just stupid and typical that Hollywood is capitalizing on the world’s fears with this movie. Roland Emmerich is the perfect guy to do this, too. If you can’t quite remember why you know his name, it’s because he did “Independence Day”, “Godzilla”, and “The Day After Tomorrow”, all disaster movies — in more ways than one, am I right? HOO-HA! Anyway.

For another thing, why has the world suddenly decided that, yes, the Mayans really knew what they were talking about? Forget that old fraud Nostradamus, forget our Christian evangelicals, forget the Y2K bug, it’s the Mayan calendar that really holds the truth. If all you’re looking forward to in your life is for the world to end, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you need to get out more, maybe join an Extreme Frisbee league, have some sex. Because hey, there’s a ton of great shit out there to enjoy before you bite it, okay? Climb out of your bunker and breathe in the LOVE, BROTHER!

And one last thing: why John Cusack? The Master of the Underplayed Scene cannot possibly be a good fit for this role, which will undoubtedly call for him to do a lot of running, screaming, and teeth-gnashing. Don’t get me wrong; I love the guy. “Grosse Pointe Blank” is one of my all-time faves. But this is beneath him, frankly. Come on, man. “The Grifters”. Knowhadamsayin’? “Better Off Dead”, “Say Anything”, “Being John Malkovich”. Dude. Seriously.

But I’m sure this movie will do gangbusters at the box office. ‘Cause, y’know … explosions. Gigantic tsunamis. Earthquakes. Dogs and cats, living together. Fine, fine theater. Someone see this and let me know what you thought. I’ll wait until 2012 to rent it.

So, clear signal to all criminals: toss your weapons into other people’s backyards to get rid of them. Not only will you be disposing of evidence, there’s a chance that someone else might go to jail instead! Bonus!

Is this why the cops in England don’t carry guns? Because, according to the judge: “The intention of anybody possessing a firearm is irrelevant.” As long as you have a gun on you, you’re guilty. This is Kafka-esque beyond words. This also makes me wonder what the proper way is to get rid of a firearm. Recycle? Compost? Can’t do it. If we’re going by this kind of logic, the proper way is to just kind of wish really hard that the whole thing never happened. I know Paul Clarke is. Good luck with that, buddy.

Matthias has been charged with sexual assault and soliciting for child prostitution. The girl’s mother has been charged with pimping and pandering of a child.

Deep breath with me here, folks. What kind of broken, misanthropic, depraved piece of shit human being do you have to be to do this to your own daughter? You are the one person in the whole of reality that she should be able to trust the most, you fucking evil monster.

And pay attention, men of the world — if you find an underaged girl attractive to the point of actually considering having sex with her, you have exactly two choices: lock yourself away and get psychiatric and possibly medical treatment, or kill yourself. Because what you are thinking isn’t just illegal, it’s immoral and hideous. You do not deserve to call yourself a man, you pathetic waste of carbon. Are we clear on this? It’s very simple. You are an adult. Adults must not prey upon children. There is no way around this; it is a cardinal rule. Whatever happens next, the offending mother deserves whatever the Hell she gets. And if you’re found guilty, Mark Matthias, you’ll find out how it feels to be a child, preyed upon by someone larger and scarier than you.