Next up is “New Moon“, the next installment in the “Twilight” franchise. The populace seems to be pretty divided about this series, with some clutching it to their heaving bosoms and declaring undying (or undead) love, and others wishing for a stake through the heart — their own hearts, which will spare them from having to live through another two movies after this second one flies out. I’ve neither read the books nor seen the movies, but even before all this hype, I was done with vampires. There’s nothing new going on, nothing exciting happening, and I’m a werewolf fan anyway.

So imagine my surprise to find a guy who turns not just into a wolf, but a gigantic freaking wolf at that. More like a dire wolf, my D&D brethren. That almost got me interested, until I saw the trailer with all of Bella’s moping smack in place, and I just went and had a steak instead. It’s unlikely that this movie will change your opinion of “Twilight” either way, but hey, at least there’s werewolves in it. Check out the trailer below:

It’s typical for ninjas who have failed in their mission to sacrifice some part of themselves for the honor of the clan. If you’ve already dishonored yourself by potentially fatally harming yourself, what then becomes the punishment? Honestly, I’m just surprised that ninjas are still in the public consciousness. The last good ninja movie was, what, at least ten years ago? The upcoming Wachowski brothers movie “Ninja Assassin” notwithstanding, haven’t we moved on to pretending to be Shaolin monks or Ultimate Fighters by now? Hell, even being a Viking surely carries more cachet at this point than ninjas do.

Speedy recovery to the Michael Dudikoff wannabe, though. If you think scars are cool, then man, you hit the jackpot. Just tell them you got it while fighting a ninja, not being one.

Now, we’re all adults here, presumably. I think we can puzzle out what the acronym TWILF stands for. But the speculation has led people to seek an actual definition, with the result seeming to be something involving farting in the bathtub. That seems pretty unlikely, but even if we assume that to be true, the usage of “twilf” in conjunction with Twitter makes the meaning obvious.

What’s even funnier is that a great many sites are calling Al Gore out for this attack on Palin, even though I doubt very much that he had anything to do with the cartoon. Just because it’s partly his company doesn’t mean that he oversees every aspect of its day-to-day functions. What’s more, “GUN-HO” is an even more egregious attack than “twilf”, don’t you think? While it’s clearly a play on the term “gung ho”, usage of the word “ho” will probably be taken as a slur referring to loose sexual practice instead.

But above all else, this is satire and parody. All this kind of talk is allowable. I think everyone needs to calm down a bit and go back to whatever it was they were doing before they ever decided to become outraged by proxy on Palin’s behalf. She’s a big girl; she can defend herself. With a gun, apparently.

Starting today, WoW players will be able to claim their 5-charge Mohawk Grenades from Night Elf vendors outside every starting zone. What do they do? If you throw a Mohawk Grenade at another player, he or she will be temporarily given the Mr. T night Elf Mohawk appearance, as seen in the picture in this post. Mr. T makes the World of Warcraft look GOOOOD.

Chances are, if you’re not already playing WoW, you’ll just think this is more stupidity for pasty-faced shut-ins with too much time on their hands. If you are a player, though, you’ll likely love the fact that Blizzard is cool enough to have taken a one-time throwaway joke and turned it into a worldwide event. Either way, congratulations to Mr. T for keeping his name current in the hearts and minds of millions!

The move is said to be to curb a trend toward violence centered on metrosexual fashion, though the article — and probably the initiative itself — fails to state whether metrosexuals are thought of as the instigators or the receivers of said violence. “We wanted to shed light on the problems with nightlife in Australia. We took everything that we disliked about going out to clubs and inverted it … no dressing up like David Beckham,” said party promoter Scott Mellor.

Will banning metrosexuals make nightclub crawls more or less fun? Part of the enjoyment for me is making fun of dudes who think they look good but don’t, no matter what they’re dressed in, though I will admit it’s a lot easier to spot these folks when they’re all frosted and shiny. But I wouldn’t be surprised if the Ding Dong Lounge — tee hee — starts losing revenue based on this decision. Who but metrosexuals go out enough during the week to make having a nightclub a paying proposition? Isn’t this like opening a catnip club and banning all felines?

However, the move to de-Christianize the annual event has angered the city’s church officials, who claim that this event will remove and deny the season’s true reason for existence. “Christmas is a Christian festival, and the dropping of the term Christmas lights and the telling of the Christmas story is an erosion of the religious festival,” stated The Reverend Allan Webster, Dundee’s chaplain.

He also said, “I am not knocking the whole programme. It is important for all faiths to be able to celebrate their festivals and I must stress I would also be concerned if people of any other religion had theirs diluted.” The city council has not made any official statement regarding the change from last year’s event. I have to say, it does seem obvious that the city is purposefully removing the religious significance of the holiday in favor of a more secular event, probably in the hopes of creating something that will be inclusive of everyone, rather than exclusive of non-Christian faiths. But this is not the way to go about doing that. At the same time, I’d be willing to bet that thousands, if not millions of people around the world already pay lip service to actual Christianity during a celebration without even thinking of its true significance; this event is merely crystallizing that. I’m interested to see if Dundee escapes a good smiting before this is all over.

For one thing, it’s just stupid and typical that Hollywood is capitalizing on the world’s fears with this movie. Roland Emmerich is the perfect guy to do this, too. If you can’t quite remember why you know his name, it’s because he did “Independence Day”, “Godzilla”, and “The Day After Tomorrow”, all disaster movies — in more ways than one, am I right? HOO-HA! Anyway.

For another thing, why has the world suddenly decided that, yes, the Mayans really knew what they were talking about? Forget that old fraud Nostradamus, forget our Christian evangelicals, forget the Y2K bug, it’s the Mayan calendar that really holds the truth. If all you’re looking forward to in your life is for the world to end, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you need to get out more, maybe join an Extreme Frisbee league, have some sex. Because hey, there’s a ton of great shit out there to enjoy before you bite it, okay? Climb out of your bunker and breathe in the LOVE, BROTHER!

And one last thing: why John Cusack? The Master of the Underplayed Scene cannot possibly be a good fit for this role, which will undoubtedly call for him to do a lot of running, screaming, and teeth-gnashing. Don’t get me wrong; I love the guy. “Grosse Pointe Blank” is one of my all-time faves. But this is beneath him, frankly. Come on, man. “The Grifters”. Knowhadamsayin’? “Better Off Dead”, “Say Anything”, “Being John Malkovich”. Dude. Seriously.

But I’m sure this movie will do gangbusters at the box office. ‘Cause, y’know … explosions. Gigantic tsunamis. Earthquakes. Dogs and cats, living together. Fine, fine theater. Someone see this and let me know what you thought. I’ll wait until 2012 to rent it.

So, clear signal to all criminals: toss your weapons into other people’s backyards to get rid of them. Not only will you be disposing of evidence, there’s a chance that someone else might go to jail instead! Bonus!

Is this why the cops in England don’t carry guns? Because, according to the judge: “The intention of anybody possessing a firearm is irrelevant.” As long as you have a gun on you, you’re guilty. This is Kafka-esque beyond words. This also makes me wonder what the proper way is to get rid of a firearm. Recycle? Compost? Can’t do it. If we’re going by this kind of logic, the proper way is to just kind of wish really hard that the whole thing never happened. I know Paul Clarke is. Good luck with that, buddy.

Matthias has been charged with sexual assault and soliciting for child prostitution. The girl’s mother has been charged with pimping and pandering of a child.

Deep breath with me here, folks. What kind of broken, misanthropic, depraved piece of shit human being do you have to be to do this to your own daughter? You are the one person in the whole of reality that she should be able to trust the most, you fucking evil monster.

And pay attention, men of the world — if you find an underaged girl attractive to the point of actually considering having sex with her, you have exactly two choices: lock yourself away and get psychiatric and possibly medical treatment, or kill yourself. Because what you are thinking isn’t just illegal, it’s immoral and hideous. You do not deserve to call yourself a man, you pathetic waste of carbon. Are we clear on this? It’s very simple. You are an adult. Adults must not prey upon children. There is no way around this; it is a cardinal rule. Whatever happens next, the offending mother deserves whatever the Hell she gets. And if you’re found guilty, Mark Matthias, you’ll find out how it feels to be a child, preyed upon by someone larger and scarier than you.

Helphenstine has been charged with child endangerment. Presumably not statutory rape because the age of consent is lower where he lives? Regardless, don’t you love how easy it is for people in positions of power to abuse the people’s trust? How can you tell who’s safe to approach in a vulnerable state? You can’t. It used to be that you could trust someone in a cop uniform, and now I actually get nervous when I see one on the street, even when I haven’t done anything illegal. I mean, holy crap, look at this post’s picture! Norman Rockwell! The epitome of feel-good American values! Now when I see it, all I can see is an innocent victim unaware of his horrible, grisly future! Remember when “citizen’s arrest” used to be a thing?

How many more times do we have to read about things like this before we crack down on the system and start having compulsory ride-alongs with civilians to enforce good behavior? Oh, wait … that would be bad too. ‘Cause we all know you can’t trust us civvies. That’s why we have cops in the first place! I guess I’ll just get used to lying down with my arms over my head every time I hear that fateful “bee-WOOP” from a passing police car. I don’t mind the gravel in my teeth anymore, really. It’s roughage.

USA Today

My favorite quote from this piece comes from Don Schminke, a frequent traveler: “For a lot of us, the shift toward the low-cost carriers isn’t about price,” he says. “The shift really is because of flight availability. You can get to so many more places these days on the low-cost carriers that you couldn’t 10 years ago.” So, essentially, with flight availability being equal between airlines, you’ll pick the lower-cost flight. Which means it is about price. Thanks for the clarification.

The article goes on to mention other factors like fewer Americans traveling in a depressed economy. Which is also about money. The take home of this shocking article is that hey, people don’t want to spend more money when they could spend less. I have my ear to the street and have been hearing that when offered a choice, people also prefer good things over bad things, and that they like to eat food that doesn’t actually make them vomit. But hey, I’m not an economic analyst, so please take my wisdom with a grain of salt.

Now, obviously, Apple shouldn’t be in the business of banning books, e- or not, so the book’s inclusion alone isn’t anything to write home about. But the fact that the regulatory group that decides what apps get to stay let the swastika remain just seems hypocritical. Other more innocent apps have been rejected for less. Also, they’ve slapped a rating of “9+” on it, which means that the content is okay for people aged 9 years and up. Hello? Anti-Semitic rants from the Most Evil Person In The History Of People is good fare for grade schoolers? Sometimes it just seems like the gatekeepers of the App Store are asleep at the switch.

I expect a quick turnaround on this one, but even if there isn’t one, I have to wonder just what the inclusion criteria are. Unless, of course, one of those is “make random-seeming judgments that run counter to previously-displayed criteria.”

First, “The Box”, starring Dracula, Cyclops, and a Charlie’s Angel. Man, if that doesn’t sound like an awesome flick, I don’t know what does. Unfortunately, it’s just the actors of those roles who are in this movie, not the roles themselves. “The Box” features an odd premise. Push a button on a mysterious box, knowing that if you do, someone in the world will die, and receive one million dollars in exchange. How desperate for money are you? Do you care about the life of someone you don’t know? What the hell happened to Frank Langella’s face, anyway? These questions and more are at least asked in “The Box”. See for yourself in the trailer below:

Next, “The Fourth Kind”. Milla “Multipass” Jovovich stars in this weird not-quite-a-documentary about alien abduction. Now, those of you who’ve done the due diligence know that nothing about this movie is based on real testimonies, as the trailer states. The whole thing’s meant to provide the industry’s latest “Blair Witch” stunt, kind of like the “Paranormal Activity” film. Expect some freaky audio, combined with off-center, staticy footage and a final denouement with on-screen text saying something like, “To this day, reports continue to come in about abductee experiences, and we have no idea what the hell’s going on. It could happen TO YOU!” Check it out in the trailer below:

Given the man’s condition, Judge Paul Rice summed it up best by questioning whether it is worth the time and effort to pursue charges. “In other words, what’s the point?” he asked. When told by the prosecution that it was in the public’s interest to continue, he disqualified himself from further hearings. You have to love the directness of the Australian people. “Eff this; I’m out, yo!” cried the judge as he leapt into his Judgemobile, on his way to the Judge Lair where he donned his BatJudge costume to fight crime on the mean streets of Adelaide. At least, that’s what I hope he did.

This raises a curious question: how does one punish a man who is beyond the reach of this world? Dementia sufferers rarely live in the same reality that we inhabit; arguably, he may already be in a hell of his own devising. Can justice be served with such a person in such a state? Let’s not forget that these counts of buggery are still just allegations; the guy’s not automatically guilty. Either way, it seems as though the offended parties may have to content themselves with the thought that Marshall is paying his debt to society right now, stuck in the prison of his own mind.

However, not only did casino officials inform Seebeck that he wouldn’t be getting the $166 million, they also told him he wouldn’t be getting the $90 thousand either, presumably because of the glitch. Things came to a head when the casino attempted to get Seebeck to sign an agreement concerning the matter, and Seebeck refused. Since then, the casino has settled with the unlucky gentleman for an undisclosed amount.

Apparently this isn’t the first time an untoward event has occurred in a Seminole Hard Rock, where promised money was later attributed to computer error and refused the recipient. This almost made me title this post “Seminole Hard Rock Accused Of Indian Giving”, but of course that would probably be seen as horribly racist — and I have Native American blood, so go figure that out.

He wrote in his journal of his plans: “I’m going to turn Sydney into a big underage gang bang.” Even through his sentencing he remained unrepentant, saying he would “keep luring young girls into Satan’s loving embrace of carnal delights.”

You know, all it takes is one bad apple to spoil the bunch. As though it didn’t already have one, this news story gives Satanism a bad name. But you have to admire this guy’s commitment to being evil. Even while behind bars, he kept on communicating with young girls through e-mail. Such dedication! One wonders how he’ll apply himself once he gets to prison, where I understand the actual devils live. Where is your Dark Lord now, Peckham? Hey, maybe if you’re really lucky, you can pretend that you’re the 13-year-old! I’ll bet you’d be fetching in a tiny skirt. Of course, what exactly you’d be fetching is quite beyond me.

So, how weird must it be to be Michael Jackson’s parents, watching your recently deceased son on the silver screen, larger than life and by all accounts, happy doing what he does best? A couple of the family members have stated that they will not see it — at least, not for a while. Will it be any weirder for them than for the average MJ fan? They’re going to see a movie about their idol, preparing for what he hoped would be his comeback tour, which will now never be. Would it be better to hope that what they’ll see on-screen is bad, knowing it’ll never happen?

Is it at all ghoulish to have made this documentary in the first place? Is it a little too soon? I liked some of the guy’s work, but his increasingly bizarre appearance and offstage antics turned me away from being an actual fan, so I can’t answer these questions. Maybe “This Is It” will provide some closure for people. Maybe it will be a life-affirming show. I hope that whoever you are, you get out of it what you want to. Check out the trailer below:

However, the station has caused some to remark upon the suspicious nature of the timing of the reports; the station’s “sweeps month” will have been in force a couple of days prior to the airing. General manager Bill Lord has commented ” … we’re a commercial television station — we’re trying to get people to watch us. Yes, this is an attention-getting story, but it’s also an important story.”

More people should watch the news who don’t, and the entertainment industry already uses sex to sell products — why should national health awareness refrain from using the same tactics? Just don’t expect me to watch when it’s time to learn about the proper way to conduct a prostate gland exam.

The couple have already invited guests from as far away as Germany, and say they may have to hold the service in their home. “If this was in another town, I could see more of an issue, but it’s Sleepy Hollow, so I’m so confused it’s such a big issue,” said one of Panensky’s co-workers.

This is a great way to build negative awareness of your venue: display behavior that would make “Footloose”’s John Lithgow proud. It’s not as though these guys were planning a Satanic rite, or even asking that the pastor to don a costume and lead the party in drunken revelry. At the same time, given their predilection for gothiness, I’m completely surprised that the couple didn’t go for Gargano’s offer to marry them in the nearby graveyard. What could be more Halloween-y than that?

Can it be that people still don’t get that we’re living in one of the most media friendly eras of all history, under constant scrutiny? There are cameras everywhere. Pretty much everything you say on Twitter is searchable, and watchdog groups live to pounce on even the slightest misconduct by a public figure. You can’t open your mouth to say even something innocent without the concern of it being taken out of context and enlarged, much less a blatantly offensive slur.

At the same time, it’s hard to know whether or not this punishment is too little or too much. A two week suspension doesn’t seem like that much, really. But is it in proportion to what he said? He was obviously making comment on a particular person; he could probably have chosen any other non-specific slur to use. Regardless, a professional player needs to represent his team in a positive light. So is this a serious punishment, or just a slap on the wrist?

Jackson’s “This Is It” behind-the-scenes concert-rehearsal movie released into theaters this week to mixed reviews, so it’s no wonder that this rumor is circulating. And I have no doubt that there are those out there who would pay far too much for an MJ autopsy photo, but consider what you’d be paying for. Is there such a thing as rarity in the Internet Age? You know for sure that the thing will make it to the ‘Net, and probably sooner than you’d expect. So what would you be paying for? The privilege of seeing it first? That’s not exactly compelling.

Honestly, it wouldn’t be that hard to fake such an image; I can do it in Photoshop in under 10 minutes, and I’m not even that proficient. This rumor seems poorly thought-out, which doesn’t necessarily make it untrue, either. If the ‘Net has taught me anything, it’s to doubt everything, even things that sound realistic. Keep your eyes peeled, kids.

Unfortunately, this illness has prevented him from properly training for his big fight against Shane Carwin at UFC 106 on November 21. Manager Brian Stegeman has said, “We kept thinking that he’d get better and be back at it, but it finally got to a point here where we were looking at a situation where Brock would have just two weeks to train for this fight. That’s just not fair to him.”

Instead, the fight will be rescheduled for UFC 108 on Jan. 2, which means that the Tito Ortiz vs. Forrest Griffin match-up will now be the main event. Let’s hope Brock lives through his illness though to face the undefeated Carwin, who many are hoping will be the giant-killer who is able to finally shut Lesnar up. Honestly, I just want to see that stupid chest sword tattoo of his laser-removed forcibly by Mir while Lesnar’s unconscious at the feet of Carwin. And since it’s something I want, place your bets: Lesnar to win in the second round.

I’m having trouble with the recently-released image showing all four members of the new A-Team, planned for theater release in 2010. I don’t know. I should be interested in this, but … I kinda feel like I’m looking at four guys dressed as the A-Team for Halloween.

From left to right, then: Bradley Cooper as Face. The first thing that crossed my mind was that they’d found the next guy to play Buckaroo Banzai. The suit, combined with the way he’s carrying that gun like it’s a Stratocaster, makes it clear that he’s ready to lead the Hong Kong Cavaliers on their next crusade to rid the world of Hanoi Xan.

Next, Rampage Jackson as B.A. We all know how tough that dude is, but I have to say he’s looking a lot less so with the ‘hawk. Look, I get that that’s B.A.’s defining characteristic — other than the gold chains, which are missing — but if you’re going to redefine the series, why include that? Quinton’s bad ass enough as it is!

Sharlto Coply as Murdock. Okay, who? Holy shit, it’s the guy from “District 9″! I’m suddenly more interested in this movie, ’cause that guy did an absolutely bang-up job on that flick. I can’t wait to hear him rant about trashbags now!

And finally, Liam Neeson as Hannibal. What, really? Rob Roy? Gawain? Oh wait, he was also Qui-Gon Jinn and Darkman. Okay, this makes much more sense now. The guy just can’t figure out what his “thing” is. Or, he’s just awesome and doesn’t give a shit what he plays.

So, I really don’t know what to think about this. Is it a good idea? Stupid? Doomed to fail? The most awesome thing since fish grew legs? Time will tell, my friends. Time will tell.

Also, as witness this mini-interview with Amy Nelson (Willie’s daughter, inexplicably), who knew that they were not only intelligent beyond the expectation based on their appearance and choice of profession, but that they were kinda funny? I enjoyed the back-and-forth between the two, as they bantered and traded quips, barely answering the questions put to them by Ms. Nelson.

That’s it, really. They have somehow managed to exist into the 2K era, and made themselves aware to me via the power of the Internet. They look mostly the same as they did, which I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised about, given the enduring nature of modern petrochemicals these days … but then how do you explain the haggard appearance of Fabio? Anyway, check out their interview; it’ll probably make you smirk.

“Cirque Du Freak” is based on the popular series of young adult novels called “The Saga of Darren Shan”, featuring a teenager who willingly becomes the assistant to a vampire who is the ringleader of a troupe of circus freaks. Now, most of you are probably thinking “Oh man, more friggin’ vampires”, and for the most part I agree that we’re getting a surfeit of vampiness lately. However, the trailer shows a slight tongue-in-cheek attitude to the proceedings that reassure me that there will be no existential moaning and bitching about the horrible life of the undead. Instead, we get to see John C. Reilly doing wirework kung fu-type action, and how could you not love that? Check out the trailer below:

Next up we have the highly-anticipated “Ong Bak 2″. If you have not had the pleasure of seeing the first one, let me tease it by saying this: if you put Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan into a blender and sculpted the remains into a martial artist, you’d end up with Tony Jaa. “Ong Bak 2″ looks to be even crazier than the first one. How? By having Jaa fight in multiple styles. Traditional Japanese kendo? Check. Chinese Drunken Boxing? Got it. Insane acrobatic Muay Thai? Rockin’. My understanding is that there’s a fight in the movie in which Jaa fights two guys at the same time and switches styles back and forth between them. It’s like he’s asking me to have an aneurysm. I’m going to leave the theater and go directly into the woods to train for the inevitable zombie apocalypse, which I will fight not with guns, but with my elbows and knees. If you want to feel that pumped-up power, check out the Red Band trailer below: