Everything You Love Is Covered in Poop

Photo credit: Shutterstock

Photo credit: Shutterstock

Unless it’s an emergency of apocalyptic proportions, you should never touch another person’s phone or laptop. Why? Because it’s a dick move — that’s where porn and embarrassing Google searches about the best facial cleanser for combination skin live. Our personal electronics are sacred bastions of our awkward secrets, OK?

Oh, and also because everybody’s phones and laptops are covered in tiny particles of poop (known in the scientific community as “pooticles”).

Last year, a fairly unscientific survey done by a marketing company showed that about 75 percent of Americans visit the porcelain throne with phone in hand. Yep, texting while pooping is basically an epidemic.

Another informal study done by Buzzfeed’s staff confirms the majority of people — or at least the tech-savvy hipsters who work at Internet companies (er…) — are sending texts, answering emails and playing Plants vs. Zombies on the can.

Some respondents to the anonymous survey even bragged about their bathroom phone use, stating that not only do they break wind in the bathroom, they also break news. Most shockingly, the article contained zero GIFs of dogs on the toilet.

A survey of the residents of my home (survey size: four) confirmed that 50 percent take their phone with them into the bathroom — though, two of the residents of my household are cats, so … you do the math.

The point is, my friends, people have most definitely replaced the Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers of yore for the smartphones of today. But is that really a problem? We all wash our hands, right? Right?

No. We’re gross humans and a full 95 percent of us either don’t wash our hands at all, or do a piss-poor job of it. That’s according to some researchers at Michigan State who creepily hid out in bathrooms and observed thousands of people’s hand-washing habits. Did you know you’re supposed to wash your hands for long enough to sing “Happy Birthday” two whole times? (In your head, of course, lest you find yourself sued by Time Warner.)

We are the worst, humanity. We’re disgusting and we’re getting pooticles all over our phones and everything we love. Do you know how many diseases you can get from poop? So many.

Will our affinity for our personal electronics and our aversion to proper hand-washing techniques be the cause of our eventual undoing as a species? Discuss.

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