Zip Carefully, Brothers — 17,000 Men Were Hospitalized for Zipper-Related Penis Injuries Between 2002 and 2010

Photo credit: 20th Century Fox

It’s the mundane event you perform first thing in the morning and several more times throughout each day. But is the tiny, seemingly-innocent metal zipper on your pants biding its time before it springs an attack and tears skin from flesh on the most sensitive part of your body? More at 11.

That’s the kind of story intro you’d hear on FOX News — or The Colbert Report, at least — and it’s the kind of fear-mongering garbage most people have grown to hate in our post-9/11 world. Strangely, though, those tactics feel fitting for this topic.

This is a story that can elicit no reaction other than pure, unbridled, irrational panic. This is a story that makes you realize how unbelievably vulnerable we tiny humans truly are. Chaos rules the world and we’re just here for the ride.

This is a story about penis injuries. Specifically, it’s about the 17,616 people who went to the emergency room between 2002 and 2010 with zipper-related penile cuts and contusions, according to a study published by the urology journal BJU International.

Though the 17,000+ figure includes both men and women, the study notes that “the penis was almost always the only genital organ involved.”

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Men of the world, I implore you: zip carefully. Don’t take your penis’ health and safety for granted. Zipper injuries can strike anyone at any time and it’s vital that you always exercise extreme caution when pulling that tiny metal tab up the tiny metal penis-eating train tracks.

Oh, and one more thing: never write a blog post about zipper-related penis injuries and casually search for a relevant image on Google Images without realizing the potential ramifications of your search terms. You don’t want to see the horrors that await you. I’ll never be the same.

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