A 51-year-old man is dead after allegedly being smothered by a pair of lethal weapons: his girlfriend’s ample breasts.
This past Saturday, Seattle police were dispatched to a trailer park (of course it was a trailer park), where witnesses say they spotted Donna Lange, also 51, straddling her boyfriend and suffocating him with her boobs.
Police noted that Lange was roughly the same height as the man, through roughly 20 pounds heavier. No word on whether those 20 pounds were divided equally between two lethal bosoms.
This incident is, amazingly, just the latest in a series of apparent boob-related assaults in recent months. Last November, we brought you the story of a German man told police that his girlfriend attempted to snuff his life under the weight of her bosoms.
“Suddenly, she grabbed my head and pushed between her breasts with all of her force,” he man reported. “I couldn’t breathe any more, I must have turned blue. I couldn’t tear myself free and I thought I was going to die.”
In 2010, a British woman reportedly tried to suffocate her beau beneath a whopping set of 40LL (!) bazongas (to paraphrase the police report).
Clearly, the recent rash of boob-related violence underlines the need for stricter breast control, with mandatory background checks, bras equipped with safety mechanisms, and strict waiting lists for implants.
Then again, we all have to die eventually. Can you think of a better way to go?