Chinese Masturbation Contest Will Haunt Your Nightmares

wanking contest

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Their intentions were noble, their methods were questionable and the results were unbelievably creepy.

Ostensibly organized as an awareness-raiser for World AIDS Day, China recently hosted the inaugural Wank-a-Thon, which turned out to be even creepier than one might reasonably expect.

Ten men, each wearing a mask that would give even the most sadistic clown a serious case of the heebie-jeebies, stood in a line, stared at a blow-up doll flanked by two live floozies, and pulled their pork behind the cover of small orange buckets.

The winner, if the contest can be said to have a winner (note: it can’t), was apparently the first man to finish. That is, the man least likely to be a winner in the bedroom.

It’s not certain whether the men were actually tickling their Elmos or just pantomiming (some appear to be still wearing boxer shorts). Since the contest was sponsored by a sex toy company, the whole thing smells of publicity stunt — and, presumably, water-based lubricants.

We highly recommend you do not watch the clip below — not because it’s totally NSFW (though, depending on the open-mindedness of your workplace, it probably is) — but because you’ll never be able to un-see it. And, as such, it might be a long time before you can, you know, batter the ‘ol egg roll.

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