Inner Thoughts of the Angry Darth Vader Cat in a Mirror


I don’t think I’m getting a bath today. In fact, I think this might be the best it gets for me. Why would I want a fresh grooming? Why would I want a Purina surprise? “Thanks” for bringing me here and placing this piece of shit on my head. Can’t a cat get a little pussycat? Get in the car, they tell me. Expectations were high, I tell you. HIGH. Shampoo. A fresh lunch. Maybe I’ll meet some new friends? Nooo, this is what happened to me.

I get it. I look like the character in that boring ass movie my owners watch every day. Star Wars? More like Star Bores. Can I watch some Brooklyn 9-9? Of course not. Let’s watch the same movie each and every day. My owners laughed so hard I woke up from a deep sleep and flew halfway up the wall. Yeah, that was me on Facebook: “Cat gets owned by laughing Star Wars couple.” Yes, that’s me, fellow cats of the world. I don’t have any holiday clothing, but I have this Star Wars helmet. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Maybe it’s a good look? Perhaps I can get used to this? No. I refuse. “Hey, it’s the Darth Vader cat!” Laugh at me, world. Laugh all you want. Did you know that I can fly clear across a room from pure athleticism?

I have a feeling that this will be a “thing.” Oh sure, grab the Darth Vader helmet. I want to wear it. I need to wear it. Did you bring over any chow or toys? No, of course not. Let’s put on the ol’ Darth Vader helmet.

Please don’t let this picture show up on Facebook. Please. I’m not a profile pic. I’m a cat that enjoys life in this crazy world of ours, but I can only do so much. Did I scratch when the helmet was plopped on my head? No. I appreciate comedy like the next cat, but this has gone too far. What do I do? Run away? Maybe I’ll just book a flight to Europe and backpack.

It would be a shame if someone got scratched tonight. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep on your face. Why would I do that? Maybe the next “trip” will be a little bit more meaningful. Purina. Toys. Grooming? A cat can dream.

I’m just a cat. I’m just the Darth Vader cat.

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