5 Types of Offensive Sports Fans

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“Sports! Sports! Sports! Is your whole life sports? Can you branch out and read a newspaper?” – KFAN’s “Common Man” Dan Cole (Minneapolis).

The Fan of Destiny

FOD is one who is truly defeated by defeat. The performance of their favorite squad will determine the quality of the day, and could potentially result in a dinner-time argument. A 3-2 defeat in the middle of the baseball season is devastating, and FOD will challenge the sports acumen of any jerkoff who dare offer an opinion. Alcohol does not help FOD, and one may experience the sad scene of a FOD crying in the basement after a big game.

Big Money Bobby

“Did I tell you I paid $18,000 for Game 6 of the World Series?” Big Money Bobby not only dishes out the dough for sporting events, but will remind you about it via phone call, Facebook, Twitter and possibly even Instagram. One can certainly appreciate the hard work of BMB that allows them to buy hot dogs for the entire 5th row and then say, “I DID THAT,” however the financial success of these individuals should not override the sporting experience. The most aggressive BMBs enjoy rambling on about how they don’t work, and simply like to blow inherited money.

The Kings and Queens of Opinion

KQO is a title for the most aggressive pseudo-fan couples. These dynamic duos aren’t necessarily aware of what teams are playing, but they will break down the game for you minute by minute. The most extreme KQOs feel a need to remind all that they do indeed have an opinion, and will analyze the most trivial aspects of the game with tenacity. One may hear KQOs boast “Oh, the pitching mound is a mess! Am I right?,” and will repeat the statement to anyone within sight. KQOs always complain about the food, and ultimately leave early.

Dress Up Dan

DUD is the extreme sports fan who must deliver a knockout appearance on the day of the big game. DUD is deadly serious about details such as face paint, and other specifics that some may find disturbing. One may witness an uncomfortable laugh from DUD as they prepare, however the mood quickly turns serious. DUD is your friend who surprises you on Halloween with a questionable outfit.

The Social Media Monster

The Social Media Monster will flood your Facebook feed, but is typically a pleasant person to be around. SMM differs from FOD by their ability to move on from a loss, however they cannot stay off social media. SMM is equivalent to those on Facebook who say “Just had lunch!” and continue on with thoughts that are perhaps better left unsaid. SMM will tell you the score of the game, and even fall into the trap of constant Facebook whining. SSM thrives on Facebook, but is not quite ready for a Twitter account.

We all love sports, but strive not to become a drunken, crying hot mess of emotion (see below).

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