The modern complaint of moviegoers centers around the use of social media, however the iPhone has slowly taken away all the attention from other classic annoyances.
One may feel the need to speak out when a phone lights up during a film, but continue to accept other problems that have been around for decades.
The Late Arrival
Whether you’re a cinephile or a weekend warrior of movies, one cannot always make it on time. Life gets busy, and stress can fill the body as one frantically attempts to catch Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2 without missing the first five minutes. The majority of late arrivals are respectful of the audience, and there is nothing one can really do other than lobby for better admission guidelines.
The problem with TLA is generally a matter of personal hygiene. Nobody wants to sit by someone who smells like dirty socks, and one must also recognize the proper amount of Drakkar Noir or perfume.
The Preview Hype Person
PHP can be hilarious or downright offensive. After a preview finishes, the PHP will yell out either a name of someone involved with the film, or an adjective to describe the preview. A successful PHP will let the voice boom, and inform the audience of what is taking place.
Example: A preview for The Counselor ends, and a voice rings out with “FASSSSBENDERRRR.” It’s the PHP. One has to go all the way to receive laughter from the audience, but try not to be too offensive. The PHP will undoubtedly receive criticism, however a perfectly placed shout at the end of the preview can be fun for all.
The Aggressive Popcorn Eater
Popcorn is a common treat of the movie experience, and one should eat with confidence. However, it’s always important to be mindful of those nearby. Go ahead and lose yourself with butter and salt for two hours, but also realize that one doesn’t need to mow down popcorn for the entire duration of the film.
APE shows a lack of respect for the audience. Enjoy your popcorn, but understand that the sounds coming from your mouth don’t need to be heard every minute for two hours.
The Consistent Cougher
You’ve had a long day and just want to kick back at the ol’ movie house. The theater is packed, and you find a comfortable place to sit. Suddenly a cough is heard and it continues throughout the whole film. Are you down with TCC? Of course not. Nobody is.
TCC never actually leaves the film despite the tenacity of the cough. The noise is heard consistently every sixty seconds, and one must choose if the disturbance is worth it because TCC isn’t going anywhere.
The Voice of Surprise
VOS is an urband legend…well, to most. Let me offer a personal tale: I have experienced the VOS once in my life. It was years ago at a screening of The Lord of the Rings, and half-way through the film a voice was heard from the entrance: “FROOOOTTTOOOOOOO.”
It took a solid ten seconds to realize what had taken place, and once I looked at my best friend we both knew that his brother was the VOS. We couldn’t help but laugh, and received stern looks from those seated directly in front of us. I’m not condoning the antics of VOS, but my experience was unforgettable.
When The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is released in theaters, one might just hear the VOS by the entrance calling out “KATTTTNISSSSS.”
The Dinner Time Smuggler
The general smuggler will hide a candy bar or soda in their pocket, however DTS brings a full meal. One will be shocked by the vast array of selections that DTS brings to the theatre, and they are placed on the lap or directly below the feet. DTS is one of the most aggressive moviegoers because they usually show up late, stink, talk, and snicker….however, DTS never pulls out their phone. Not once. DTS is there to enjoy the film, but unfortunately shows little common courtesy.
The Seat Kicker
TSK is oblivious that someone is in front of them, and will kick the back of your seat every 20-30 minutes. However, the disturbance is not enough to ruin the experience, or get angry about, which makes TSK highly annoying.
TSK will rip your head as they sit down, nail you in the neck with a popcorn box on the way to the bathroom and generally don’t give a F about anyone or the movie experience.
The Extended Laugher/The Lone Commenter
Everyone enjoys a boisterous laugh, but TEL needs a way to stand out. The laugh of TEL slowly transforms into a personal commentary once the crowd is silent, and the voice must always arise above the rest of the audience. TEL‘s laugh is just a bit out of place, even if it’s not always meant to be.
TEL usually pulls double duty as The Lone Commenter. The voice Of TLC is heard after a poignant scene, and allows the audience to know that they understand what just happened. The most common phrase of TLC is “Hmmm” along with “Ohhhh!” If it wasn’t for the voice of TLC, one may be unsure what to make of specific scenes.
The Elderly Loudmouth
What can you do about TELM? One can’t tell an elderly person to shut up, and sometimes it’s not even worth explaining that in modern times the cinema is a quiet place. It’s not always known if TELM will even be able to hear you.
The voice of TELM booms, and is heard consistently throughout the film, especially if they are with their loved one.
The Silent Farter
The Silent Farter is one who farts silently. It’s never just a single blast, and the smell is usually quite rancid. TSF makes everyone uncomfortable.
Everyone loves going to the movies, and the first step to making the experience better for all is to identify yourself as one of the characters above.
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