The mullet is one of the great wonders of the world, and its popularity over the decades has scientists scrambling to crack the code of mullet perfection. Rumor has it that author Dan Brown is considering Robert Langdon’s next adventure to be “The Mullet Complex”, however Tom Hanks is not yet on board with the idea.
Society has not fully embraced the mullet, and although the hairstyle is socially acceptable in some workplaces, many find it difficult to wear their hair with confidence. “Wear Your Hair” is known to be a common chant in specific circles, and t-shirts have appeared online along with an increase in Spotify playlists, chat rooms and Google+ communities, all bearing the same slogan. For one to live a happy mullet life there must be a supreme confidence in the look. Jared Allen of the Minnesota Vikings is a proud spokesman, and wears his mullet with a ferocity that hasn’t been seen in the sports hair game since Pete Rose.
The common reaction when one sees a mullet is to laugh or take a picture, but what most don’t realize is that one can’t change the style of their hair. Actually, almost everybody can change how their hair looks, but what society must understand is the complexity of the mullet, and the always-evolving techniques that are used to maintain the look and strive for mullet greatness.
The tragedy of the mullet is that one day it can look fricken’ awesome, and other days it can ruin your lunch. The major problem that some experience with the mullet is the inability to own the look, as if to say, “Hey – looks what’s on top. I did this. You like it. I like it. Have a great day.”
Unfortunately, not everyone is able to wear their mullet with confidence, and thus the whole persona of one becomes “the mullet,” which is uncomfortable and equally devastating to experience in person.
The “Want to say that again?” Mullet
This gentleman has mullet insecurity, but stays loyal to his style. He will let you know that negative feedback is not appreciated, but will also stick around to talk about the big game last night. One is unlikely to see the back of the head in conversation, because the man isn’t quite comfortable with how the mullet looks from the side.
The “What Mullet?” Mullet
This fellow won’t acknowledge that he has a mullet, and challenges you to prove its existence. Of course, when a photo is provided as evidence, he will mumble something about “poor vision,” and that he’s “not sure” about having a mullet.
The “Let’s drink a bottle of Jack and get weird” Mullet
This man’s mullet has a life of its own, and the energy is transferred to the face. It’s a clear case of “Mullet Gone Wild,” and lack of control is neither classy nor funny to anyone. To be clear, one must let the mullet breathe, and be free of criticism, but this style is lost in mullet limbo.
The Ronald McDonald/Chia Hybrid Mullet
The mullet has sprouted out like a chia pet, and taken control of this existence. Friends and family back off in a tragic case of group think, while the man is slowly taken over by Chia mullet. The red hair initially makes for a jolly good time, but now this man has turned into a Ronald McDonald/Chia hybrid.
The “Damn! That a wig?” Mullet
This mullet is so aggressive and offensive that one will think a trick is being played. It doesn’t exude mullet class, and the frightening sides are so outrageous that one may devote a Twitter parody account to each. A mustache can sometimes be a calming force in the world of mullets, however this man’s stache is problematic.
The Julian Casablancas Devotion Mullet
One cannot wear a successful mullet by trying to look like somebody else. You must own the style, however this gentleman listened to “This Is It” by The Strokes one too many times, and is taking on the appearance of lead singer Julius Casablancas. Everyone loves a cool rock star hair style, but it’s important to stay original. “Whatever Happened?”
The Basement Mullet
Sometimes one can dedicate time and effort to grooming the mullet, but also spend many hours in a basement playing “Call of Duty.” Once the individual is ready to introduce the mullet to the general public, it can sometimes be an awkward experience. This is a damn good mullet, but the potential is smothered by a possible backlash. Time and social situations are key for this mullet.
The “But I thought you said you liked it?” Mullet
For the young gentleman trying to impress potential female prospects, one can easily take a simple compliment and run wild with delusion. This mullet is not worn with pride, but worn for all the wrong reasons. Kenny Powers doesn’t sport a mullet solely to get chicks, he gets chicks because of the mullet bravado. This is a devastating case of “But, I thought you said you liked it?”
The 80s Rock Star Girlfriend/Monster Ballad/Stress Mullet
Sure, many folks loved the 80s, and like to keep the look they had back in those glorious years. However, pressure and time can take a toll, and it’s important to stay clear of the scissors during moments of stress, and not destroy your life’s work. No one likes a chopped up mullet, at least not anyone that I want to be friends with. Respect yourself and treat the big M with care.
The Easy Rider Mullet
Boom. Side view. Check it out. Wheels. Business in front. Party in the back. Mickey D’s trip. Wranglers. Black T. Confidence. You know what…the magnificence of mullets is in the eye of the beholder. The mullet above is spectacular, and perhaps the rest are as well. The mullet wins. The mullet always wins.
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