Sunday, September 29, is a day which will live in infamy. The series finale of Breaking Bad is almost here. After Sunday we’ll never see Walter cook up his beautiful blue recipe, Jesse Pinkman will no longer be manipulated, Hank Schrader’s battle with Mexican cartels will forever be over (well, technically they already are), and Marie can no longer destroy the White family by dumping all their secrets on Walter Jr. The only remnants of the show will be AMC marathons, Netflix updates, and of course, the spin-off of “Better call Saul”. After years of mental blowjobs, how will Breaking Bad end? This is a list my predictions. I’m an expert at these sort of things.
#6. Personally, the best possible ending is Walter White going into witness protection after murdering Todd and his uncle’s band of Hell’s Angels wannabes with help from Jesse. Jesse dies during the battle and reveals to Walter that Holly is actually his child. “It’s my kid bitch,” are Pinkman’s last words. Out of spite Walter gets Holly a sex change operation and calls his new son Francis. This will be a clear indication that Breaking Bad was actually just a prequel for Malcolm in the Middle. The Malcolm in the Middle theme plays as the credits roll.
#5. After murdering the redneck gang that took out Hank, Walter locks Todd, the a creepy little bastard, in the same cage Jesse was locked in. Walter then returns to Grey Matter and runs into his old friend Doc Fox, who shows him where the DeLorean is hidden.
Walter takes a trip to the Walking Dead universe and brings back a Tuco zombie to feast on Todd. Without realizing he didn’t kill the zombie that fed on Todd’s insides, Zombie Todd and Zombie Tucco start a zombie apocalypse. The show ends with a trailer for Marvel’s new movie: Breaking Dead vs. Marvel Zombies.
#4. In the final moments of the show we see death and bloodshed surrounding Walter White. Him and Walter Jr. are the only characters to survive – with the youngest White standing behind his father. Walter still has not put his weapons down as he stares at the brutality that lies all around him. His wife is dead. Jesse is dead. Saul is dead. Bill Burr is dead. While Walter surveys the area, his son drops the crutches and we see he is completely healthy. Walter Jr. walks ups to him, gets his attention, and just kicks him in the nuts. The show immediately goes black and “Don’t Stop Believing” plays.
After the credits roll a message to go to the USA network is displayed. There we see Vince McMahon in an empty Madison Square Garden announcing he bought the Breaking Bad Universe. He purposely gave the show the same ending as his Wrestlemania match with Shane McMahon at where his wife got up from the wheelchair. This was Mr. McMahon’s way of getting back at AMC for ruining Summerslam buy rates for the last five years.
#3. A few seasons ago we saw an episode with Walter White and Jesse chasing a fly while they cook. That particular episode ended with Walter seeing a fly that wasn’t actually there. Earlier in the episode we found out hallucinating and seeing insects before death is the brain’s way of letting you know the end is almost near. After murdering his enemies, we see Walter at his house. From this point forward Breaking Bad continues the opening of the second half of the season where the old broad is scared and kids are skateboarding in his dried-up pool.
Right as Walter is about to take the ricin, he sees a fly. He thinks this signifies he’s about to die so he doesn’t commit suicide. All of a sudden a rodent bites him and then bites one of the kids on the skateboard. In a few hours later the kid transforms into a zombie. It turns out Walter’s cancer is the first strain of a zombie virus he contracted at Grey Matter.
Grey Matter gets word that they indeed perpetuated the zombie apocalypse and change the name of their company to Umbrella Corp. after getting advice from Phillip Morris CEO to change a company name following the destruction of so many lives. Then a trailer for Resident Evil 7 plays. We find out Breaking Bad has just been one giant advertisement for Capcom.
#2. Walter White gets advice from Henry Hill to snitch, knowing more than a dozen men are after him. When Skyler flushes all his meth down the toilet, he runs into Bill Burr and the two decide to go to the DEA office to turn themselves in. After testifying in a court of law, Todd and his uncle’s Bray-Wyatt-Redneck-Gang, Skyler, Saul, and Jesse all go to prison. Witness protection sends Burr to Boston where he becomes a comedian, and Mr. White is given an Internet start-up company named LexCorp.
LexCorp becomes a billion dollar industry and a trailer for the Batman/Superman movie is shown before the credits roll. We find out Breaking Bad has been one giant advertisement for this movie and Ashton Kutcher declares we’ve been Punk’d. Scooby-Doo bites his head and it turns out it was Ben Affleck and not Kutcher.
#1. Right before a giant battle between Walter and Jesse against Todd’s gang, Walter has an epiphany. He warns everyone to fight over is money is “dogshit.”
“How dare we claim money. It isn’t our money. It’s THE money,” Walter says.
The gang and Walter have a quirky exchange where words like “serendipitous”, “erroneous”, “ostentatious”, and “quintessential” are used. Walter leaves and the camera pans to Jessie’s face. He shrugs and is shot in the head. Walter then finds Saul’s guy to give him another chance at a new life. Yet another quirky exchange is had and a lot of pretentious words are said. Finally, Walt convinces him after giving Saul’s guy all of THE money he he had in the oil drum.
Saul’s guy suggests plastic surgery and Walter goes through with it. On the way to Walter’s new home we see his face in bandages and him complaining about divorce. The show fades to black as he bitches about Skyler. We then start to see the new look as Walter comes up some subway stairs. The plastic surgery transformed him into Louie CK and the theme song for “Louie” plays. It turns out the final episode was just one big advertisement for the show’s big move to AMC.
The show starts with Louie at the Comedy Cellar as it usually does, except this time he’s breaking the fourth wall.
“I’d rather inject AIDS into one of my fat, mediocre man tits and milk a baby with it than direct another episode. That’s why I hired this guy.” Woody Allen walks on stage and Louie CK reveals he has given all directing rights to him.
“I bet you never expected I’d be directing the last episode of Breaking Bad,” Allen says. “There will be more where that came from. But seriously folks, marriage is the death of hope.”