We’re just around the corner from the Fourth of July, a day to celebrate all things ‘Murica. So, let’s prematurely start the party with a list of the most ‘Murica things in the great nation of ‘Murica. Each item on the list will be a little more ‘Murica than the last, building to what I can only assume will be a photo of an orgy of bald eagles, gunpowder and bacon.
You with me? You better be, because love it or leave it, a**hole! Let’s go!
10. Patriotic jeans
Let’s kick this list off in style! Blue jeans by themselves are dripping with sweet, sweet ‘Murica juice. When you plaster them with the stars and stripes and stick a big ol’ ass in ’em, baby, you got a patriotic stew going.
9. Patriotic jorts
All the advantages of the jeans, but cut off above the knee in order to maximize freedom.
8. This figurine
No description could ever do the beauty of this figurine justice. It has it all. Better move on before I start weeping tears of red, white and blue.
7. This truck
Someone please tell me when you hit the horn in this bad boy, it makes the sound of a bald eagle screeching. It has to! The only thing I’d change about this masterpiece is to tone down the window tint just a little — how else will other drivers be able to see you flip them the bird?
6. This steak
Look at that marbling down in Texas. And Utah is pretty much pure
fat flavor. Delicious!
5. Presidential chest bumps
Mission accomplished, baby. Nothin’ more manly than two men touching nipples.
4. Ron Swanson
Parks and Recreation’s ultra-conservative carnivore is the truest American you’ll ever see, fictional or otherwise. Heck, even the actor who plays Swanson, Nick Offerman, is 50 times more ‘Murica than you or I could ever hope to be. He even made his own list of the most ‘Murica things.
3. Monster trucks selling chocolate-covered bacon
2. Patriotic bikinis
Wait… how is this not number one on our list? What could possibly be more ‘Murica than two hot, blonde chicks with huge boobs (purchased in ‘Murica, ideally) cavorting in skimpy stars-and-stripes bikinis?
1. This person
Bonus: The least ‘Murica things ever
Not everything that’s synonymous with the good ol’ U.S. of A. is actually American, as this classic YouTube comment thread (wait… YouTube comments that aren’t the worst thing ever?!) notes: