The end is nigh.
How nigh? It’s hard to be sure, since people have been predicting the end of the world pretty much since the beginning of the world.
Every sacred religious text has its own checklist of warnings that our very existence is on the verge of going tits-up, but such sorcery has no place in the age of science and reason.
Rather than look to ancient prophecies, let’s instead turn our gaze to a much more reliable source of infallible wisdom, YouTube, for recent signs that we are living in the End Times.
8. Giant killer snails on the loose
Remember the movie Slither? It’s coming true. Giant African land snails the size of softballs are invading the southern United States, eating practically every leafy green in sight and leaving a trail of slime (and terror!) wherever they go. They can carry meningitis, and can therefore KILL YOU.
Each snail can lay up to 400 eggs at at a time, which means North America will be completely overrun — according to our best mathematical predictions — by the time Jeopardy is over tonight.
7. Another ice age is upon us
Think ice is just harmless crunchy water that keeps your rum and Coke pleasantly chilled? Think again. As residents of Minnesota discovered recently, ice is coming to get you. Slowly but surely, ice wants to break your patio furniture, then your house, then presumably the whole wide world.
6. Interdimensional wormholes are opening
A concerned resident of Brighton in the UK recently reported to his local government that he noticed something odd while walking his dog: a portal to another dimension.
For some reason, the municipal maintenance office ignored the resident’s report. Bad move, Brighton Maintenance Office. Over the week that followed, the swirling interdimensional wormhole apparently got worse. Another complaint turned up on the city’s website, stating:
“It is now emitting an unsettling yellow light and a large snake appears to be emerging from the wall.”
Surely that’s a more pressing municipal concern than fixing some potholes.
5. Dead fish and birds and crabs, oh my…
Two million dead fish in Chesapeake Bay.
Forty thousand dead crabs in England.
Birds dropping from the sky by the thousands in Louisiana and Kentucky.
Millions of chickens found dismembered and delicious in “nugget” form at McDonalds restaurants worldwide.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!
4. Mysterious oozing, stinky foam is rising up to get you
Commuters in Nanjing, China were shocked recently to come across an enormous, amorphous blob of stinky foam emerging from underground and spreading over city streets. There is some speculation that it’s linked to the construction of a subway underground, but it seems more likely that it’s ectoplasm feeding off the anger and hatred of Nanjing. Possible solution: spraying the Statue of Liberty with happy ectoplasm.
(You’ll have to skip to the end of this awkward Chinese news broadcast to see the foam).
3. Monsters everywhere!
Earlier this month, an enormous, toothy sea monster washed ashore in New Zealand. Unconfirmed reports indicate that it’s pure, unadulterated evil.
Then there’s the beast of Tenby (in a video with some serious porno music):
And don’t forget the Moscow monster. Debunkers say it’s a rotting beluga whale, but isn’t it more likely that it’s a pan-dimensional carnivore from a reptilian race of super-beings bent on global domination? We think so.
2. Sinkholes want to gobble you up
Sinkholes are everywhere these days. Some people say they’re merely geological hiccups that are bound to happen after humans unnaturally tamper with the landscape. Poppycock. The earth is trying to eat us alive, to rid itself of its parasitic human infection.
1. Justin Bieber Duct Tape exists
If this isn’t a sure sign that we’re all doomed, nothing is.