Once, I was stuck on the highway in the middle of a horrible traffic jam. Some dick in a sports car behind me decided wherever he needed to be was more important than wherever the rest of us were trying to get to, and he pulled off onto the shoulder of the road and sped past me and all the other drivers stuck in the gridlock. I think he might have even tossed up a middle finger, for no apparent reason.
As traffic slowly moved down the road, I came upon one of the best scenes in my life. The dick who sped down the shoulder had been pulled over and was getting a stern lecture from a cop. All of us poor saps he decided to leave in his dust got the chance to drive past him slowly, laughing in his face. It was glorious.
Unfortunately, cops aren’t always there when you need them. A lot of crimes — and just general jerkitude — go unpunished. Occasionally, though, a brave citizen stands up to deliver a slap of justice to the face of evildoers in our world. When it happens, it’s even better than what I experienced on the highway that day.
Below, we take a look at several instances of sweet, sweet street justice. Drink them in.
“Don’t steal bikes, bro”
In this video, a bike thief (with a child’s helmet wrapped awkwardly around his neck, for some reason) is caught in the act of thieving by some tight-shorted hipsters. You better believe a well-deserved beat-down is delivered.
It’s hard to say what led to the confrontation in this video, but the guy in the gray is definitely acting like a bully. He taunts the kid in plaid, saying “what are you gonna do about it?” at the beginning of the video. When punches get thrown, we find out exactly what he’s going to do about it. Props to Plaid Kid for finishing things off with a “walk away” rather than an even bigger pounding.
“Hold on … let me just hold up this entire subway full of people so I can finish telling you my story.”
As public transit commuters all know, people who block train doors are the scum of the Earth. This scumbag will probably think twice the next time she tries to hold up a train full of people so she can finish her phone conversation before losing reception in the tunnel. I want to believe the person who kicked this woman out followed up with a loud “THIS… IS… SUBWAY.”
“Who you callin’ a n***er?”
The first amendment means it’s not a crime to be racist, so street justice is the only way bigots like the woman in this video can get their comeuppance. Technically, it is a crime to spray someone in the face with a hose. Still, it’s pretty hard to argue the guy who delivers the spray in this video is in the wrong. Considering the women gets up out of her wheelchair to yell at him some more, maybe she should be thanking him for his miracle cure.
“We eatin’ lunch”
The justice porn in this video is especially tantalizing because it features authority figures hated by all: the guys who give out parking tickets. The moment when the one dude realizes he just got told and there’s nothing he can say to dig himself out of his told-hole is magical.
“Hey, leave him alone, man”
The build-up to this one is so tasty. The street performer just stands there, letting the douchebag mess with him, biding his time until the perfect moment to pop him in the face. Take heed before the next time you decide to give someone a Wet Willy.