Blame Matthew McConaughey.
It might not technically be his fault that dudes are now expected to only have hair on their scalps (and maybe faces) and nowhere else, but his baby-butt-smoooth body in Magic Mike surely didn’t help matters. Plus it’s just fun to blame stuff on Matthew McConaughey.
Body hair on men has become a taboo on par with the mullet and the mustard-stained wifebeater.
Sure, a little manscaping is a good idea to keep Selleck-esque chest hair from emerging from your collar and prevent your short-and-curlies from becoming a dank jungle below the equator.
But if simple trimming and shaving is still not enough to keep your man-fur at bay, you might want to consider waxing. A wax job provides longer-lasting results than shaving — between three to eight weeks — and the hair that eventually returns is thinner and softer (if that matters to you). Loads of spas now offer waxing service for men, and loads of your friends will happily come along to film it.
If you’re willing to take that leap, here are a few things to keep in mind before going:
- Let the hair grow for a couple of weeks beforehand, so the wax has something to stick to (aside from your nipples or assorted other sensitive bits).
- Take two Tylenol (or your pain-numbing chemical of choice) 30 minutes before your appointment.
- Wear loose-fitting clothing. Tightie-whities and a scratchy woolen sweater won’t feel cozy against your raw skin afterward.
- Be prepared to get involved. You may be asked to hold loose skin taut (particularly if you’re getting waxed below the belt, where things tend to dangle).
- Apply some “No Scream Cream” beforehand, which is basically a topical anesthetic that helps numb your flesh before wads of hair are ripped out of it.
And now some words of advice on coping with the procedure, based on the past experiences of men who have endured it.
1. Go to a professional
Letting your kids wax your back is not a good idea.
2. No, seriously — go to a professional
Don’t do it yourself. There will be blood.
Mythbusters once investigated whether swearing actually helps diminish the sensation of pain. It does. There will be pain, so feel free to swear.
4. Expect to make noises you’ve never made before
Let your inner walrus be heard.
5. If you must get waxed, try to do it for a good cause
Harrison Ford did. Don’t you want to be like Harrison Ford?
6. If you’re considering the full ‘Manzilian’… stop considering it right now
Some guys opt for the full “Back, Crack and Sack” treatment. Those guys are idiots. You’ll probably get the feeling that your scrotum will “rip open like a Ziplock bag.” It probably won’t, but do you really want to take that chance?
7. Actually, just avoid waxing entirely
Unless you’re an Olympic swimmer, there’s no good reason to go completely hairless.
Trimming is good. Shaving has its merits (mainly for bodybuilders, pro wrestlers and guys whose shoulder hair could fill a duvet).
But there is no good reason to undergo intense, searing discomfort in order to make yourself look like a prepubescent boy.
Well, maybe one good reason: to allow others to laugh at your pain. If that’s your motivation, have at it. We appreciate your sacrifice, dumb-dumb.