Hollywood Idiots to Create Movie Based on Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament

Photo credit: Columbia Pictures

The geniuses running Hollywood have made movie based on children’s toys (G.I. Joe), an amusement park ride (Pirates of the Caribbean) and a board game (Battleship) in recent years, so it probably shouldn’t be a big surprise that now they’re making a movie based on a restaurant. Eventually, every intellectual property with even a shred of name recognition will get its own big-screen adaptation.

So, what’s the first restaurant to get its own movie? Incredibly, it isn’t Hooters (though one could possibly argue that every big boobs porno movie is in some way an adaptation of that restaurant). Instead, it’s Medieval Times.

You know, the “dinner and a show” event where you eat overcooked chicken with your hands and are constantly implored to cheer for a bunch of long-haired men who disappointed their parents play-fighting in a pit of dust and horse manure.

But wait, you may ask, isn’t Medieval Times the restaurant just the crappy distillation of basically every Hollywood movie set in lower-case medieval times? Why yes, it is! It has the horses, the swords, the damsels in distress and basically none of politics, sex and intrigue that makes stories set in that period so compelling!

How could one take such a thing and turn it back into a movie? One cannot! It would be like trying to turn the ale in your goblet (we’re staying true to the medieval theme here, dammit!) back into barley.

That’s never stopped Hollywood before, however. So get ready for Medieval Times: The Movie, starring Vin Diesel (probably) and Ke$ha, or some piece of crap like that, in theaters in 2015 — or as soon as the studio can crap it out.

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