Earlier this week, an alleged shoplifter nabbed in New Hampshire pleaded his innocence by insisting he was confused by the name of the shop: Finders Keepers.
He says he merely took the name literally.
Video surveillance shows Ruben Pavon helping himself to a barbecue from the porch of Finders Keepers, a thrift story in Derry, N.H.
Here’s the footage of him finding and keeping, with a young boy (who also should have known better) lending a hand.
Pavon was unapologetic about it: “I thought it was there for the taking,” he said. “The sign did say ‘Finders Keepers’… so I’m thinking to myself, finders keepers. They probably just put stuff out there for people to take.”‘
Pavon hasn’t been arrested, but police are still looking into it. Perhaps they should investigate the New Hampshire educational system.
For his blissful ignorance about how commerce works, Pavon joins a special group of dumb-dumbs who have made ridiculous excuses for their crimes. Here are six more doozies.
6. I was preparing for a movie role!
Perhaps the most infamous shoplifter of all time, Winona Ryder, offered one of the most wonderfully ridiculous excuses during the trial for her 2002 pilfering spree: “My director instructed me to shoplift for a role I was preparing for.”
The director of a multi-million-dollar Hollywood film instructed his high-profile star, who nets millions of dollars for every role, to commit a crime that could land her in jail. Makes sense.
Who was this daring director? Ryder wouldn’t say. What film was she preparing for? She didn’t specify.
Here’s hoping the director of Heathers didn’t require Ryder to kill snobby teenagers.
5. I was just massaging the meat!
In 2010, a South Carolina man was arrested for stealing a large slab of meat from a butcher shop.
When he was apprehended, the man claimed that it was all just a funny misunderstanding, and nothing worth getting the police involved with.
He wasn’t stealing the meat but tucking it under his long coat, he said. He was just massaging the meat.
It’s unclear how, exactly, he thought that would exonerate him of any wrongdoing. Frankly, the thought of buying a slab of meat that has been massaged under the coat of some weirdo is almost enough to inspire a switch to veganism.
4. My elf needed lingerie!
When Robert Boyd was arrested for attempting to steal underwear from a lingerie shop in Ireland, he insisted it wasn’t his fault.
His elf made him do it.
Boyd had recently been spending a lot of time playing the role-playing game Shadowrun, in which he portrayed a pint-sized elf named Beho, who wielded the most adorable little samurai sword.
Judging by the loot Boyd attempted to steal, Beho needed two pairs of bras, some panties and fancy stockings.
Boyd later admitted that he may have “blurred the line between reality and fantasy.”
3. The makers of Batman need me to steal this
It started when Micah Calamosca assaulted someone and stole a bottle of water. It escalated when he hopped into running car and attempted to steal it.
It ended when he learned that the person in the car was an undercover cop, who arrested Calamosca on the spot.
Then Calamosca attempted to explain the misunderstanding.
They’re filming the new Batman movie nearby, he insisted. This was true. Christopher Nolan and crew were indeed shooting The Dark Night Rises in locations around Pittsburgh in 2011.
They need me to steal this car for the movie, he added. This was not true. At all.
2. It said “free house!”
A Minnesota couple was arrested two years ago after stealing items from a house in St. Paul.
Charles and Pernella Bull were nabbed as they attempted to leave the house with a two computers, a full toolbox and a large blue duffel bag containing the woman’s purse and various items.
Their excuse: they had seen a listing on Craigslist that said “free house,” so they naturally assumed everything in it was up for grabs.
When police checked Craigslist, however, they found no such listing.
Heaven knows what would happen if Charles and Parnella Bull were to witness a Free Tibet rally.
1. A triple whammy of amazing excuses
A man was arrested in Georgia last year for walking into a supermarket, eating a Slim Jim, drinking a soda and then walking right back out without paying.
The man, Robert Anthony Leseueur (assumed pronunciation: “loser”), came up with three monumentally awesome excuses after he was arrested for the petty crime.
1. “Someone on the internet told me I could have these for free.”
2. “I’m part of Seal Team Six and I’m on a special mission.”
3. “I caught Satan. He’s in a bottle in my bookbag.”
Judging by the tattoo on his neck, the third one might actually be true.