One of the great pleasures of childhood was ambling down the supermarket cereal aisle and surveying the multitude of colorful, sugary options.
Of course, the pesky “childhood obesity epidemic” has sucked most of the fun out of the cereal aisle, replacing most mashmallowy diabetes delivery systems with healthier alternatives.
For those nostalgic for the golden age of breakfast cereals, we present 10 classics that deserve a revival (but should perhaps come with a Surgeon General’s warning on the box).
Gimmick: “A spectacular cereal from the outermost limits of the galaxy. It’s new C-3POs. Double Crunch. This unique, double-O shape gives you 2 crunches in every bite — a unique experience in all the galaxy.”
Tasted like: The honey-sweetened figure-eights tasted like Alpha-Bits cereal, but crunchier and less educational.
9. Boo Berry
Introduced: 1972 (and still available in a few markets, but not nearly enough of them)
Gimmick: Ghosts are blue. Blueberries are too. Bingo.
Tasted like: Sugar, blueberries, ghosts.
Introduced: Presumably right after the Ghostbusters movie became a huge hit — late 1984-ish.
Gimmick: Marshmallow ghosts, flavored oats. Unlicensed nuclear accelerator backpack not included.
Tasted like: Slimer.
Gimmick: Capitalized on the fleeting pop-culture phenomenon of Steve Urkel, the nerdy neighbor from Family Matters. Otherwise known as the darkest moment in our nation’s history.
Tasted like: Strawberry. Banana. Capitalism. Sadness.
6. WWF Superstars
Gimmick: The unnatural orange color of Hulk Hogan’s preposterous tan, these star-shaped clusters of crud would guarantee your physique would be more like King Kong Bundy’s than the Hulkster’s.
Tasted like: The box said it was “sweet, but no pushover” and had a “hint of vanilla.” May contain steroids.
5. Donkey Kong Junior
Gimmick: “It’s wild with fruit flavors!” But not real fruit.
Tasted like: Much better than Donkey Kong Sr. cereal, which tasted like barrels and the sweat of Italian plumbers.
4. Mr. T Cereal
Gimmick: By eating Mr. T cereal you joined a team — the “team that knows how cool breakfast can be!”
Tasted like: Supposedly a lot like Cap’n Crunch, but we pity the fool who actually found out.
3. E.T. Cereal
Gimmick: Who wouldn’t want to eat a cereal inspired by a brown, wrinkly alien who can barely survive on our planet?
Tasted like: Chocolate and peanut butter, but not the kind typically found on Earth.
2. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Cereal
Gimmick: Before traveling through time in a magical phone booth, it pays to have a nutritious breakfast. If a nutritious breakfast is unavailable, you could eat this cereal instead.
Tasted like: Heavy metals.
1. Nintendo Cereal System
Gimmick: A magazine ad, clearly translated from Japanese, read: “Nintendo is for breakfast now. Nintendo is two cereals in one. Wow! Super Mario Bros. and Zelda too. Mix ‘em, match ‘em, crunch ‘em, you just can’t loose.”
Tasted like: Marshmallows. Goobas. Bricks. Plumbers. Tooth decay.