Slapping the image of a celebrity on a product can increase sales exponentially — and there’s no bigger celebrity than the J-Man himself, Jesus Christ.
Even though the Bible suggests that Jesus probably wouldn’t have been super cool with his name and face being used to hawk crappy commercial goods — If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven: Matthew 19:21 — that hasn’t stopped many sinful (but mostly just irony-seeking) humans from trying to capitalize on his name/beard recognition.
Below, we take a look at the five most awesomely blasphemous products ever produced:
I get the whole “body of Christ” communion thing, but this takes eating Jesus to a very weird place. Not only does low-grade chocolate on a stick not really seem befitting of Jesus’s name, but does God really want Christians to be chomping down on the sweet and tasty image of Jesus’s body in its most holy (and murdered) state?
Jesus action figure
Jesus is a hero to many, but to consider him an action hero is certainly pushing it. Based on his teachings in the Bible, he was much closer to a pacifist than the bad-guy-smashing superheros who dominate the box office today. Then again, his ability to rise from the dead isn’t too far off Wolverine’s power of regenesis.
Looking Good for Jesus skincare kit
Jesus would probably want you to have healthy skin, but only in the sense that he would want all aspects of your body and soul to be healthy. Frankly, he probably wouldn’t care too much about your exfoliation routine — we’re talking about a guy who went years without getting a haircut or shaving.
For those looking for a little something extra in their cosmetics kit, like a weird jewel in the middle of Jesus’s abdomen that makes him look pregnant, this is the product for you. As the packaging says, it could be just what you need to “get His attention.”
Grow your own Jesus
Jesus transformed water to wine, but that’s nothing compared to his newest miracle: transforming from a tiny sponge into a somewhat bigger sponge!
Buddy Christ bobblehead
First appearing in the 1999 Kevin Smith comedy Dogma, the Buddy Christ has kind of taken on a life of its own in the world of cheap, mass-produced and likely-to-be-trashed-less-than-a-year-from-purchase trinkets. There are Buddy Christ mugs and Buddy Christ t-shirts, but perhaps the item that shares the most in common with the Golgothan (poop demon) from the movie is the Buddy Christ bobblehead.