Is your usual morning cuppa joe just not cutting it anymore?
Do you still feel groggy and listless no matter how large — pardon me, how grande — your Starbucks eye-opener is?
Sounds like you need a Death Wish.
Marketed as the “world’s strongest coffee,” Death Wish boasts 200 percent more caffeine than the typical cup of coffee, with a “strong and robust” dark-roast flavor.
Latching onto the so-strong-it’ll-kill-you marketing technique employed by extreme hot sauces and bacon-wrapped food monstrosities, Death Wish is squarely aimed at the subset of consumers who enjoy the thrill of gradual self-destruction.
Mind you, studies surrounding the supposed deadliness of caffeine are mostly inconclusive and contradictory, and the Death Wish website conveniently fails to mention that coffee has been linked to a lower risk of stroke and other benefits.
But the makers of Death Wish are targeting the demographic — mostly male, it’s safe to assume — who secretly aspire to be wingsuit jumpers but actually just need something to prevent them from falling asleep during economics lectures.
Given the success of Red Bull — which sold 4.6 billion cans in 2011 despite tasting vaguely like cranberry cough syrup — there’s probably a market for a coffee whose name implies that it’s raison d’etre is to kill you.
But if your addiction to caffeine has reached the point where you need to see a coffee named Death Wish, perhaps you should just let the grogginess overcome you and take a nap instead.