Every man should know how to cook. Not quiche, mind you — that’s still off-limits — but today’s man needs to be handy around the kitchen, lest he be dismissed as “old fashioned” or a mooching pig.
When it’s your turn to whip up dinner, you could go the boring old meat-and-potatoes route like a chump. Or you could liven things up with an unexpected culinary adventure from one of these bizarre cookery collections.
The whole world — from bacon-wrapped-anything to the raccoon you just flattened with your truck — is a buffet waiting to hit your belly. Eat up, man.
10. Eat What You Want And Die Like A Man: The World’s Unhealthiest Cookbook
Men don’t merely eat. We feast. We devour.
Hence the belching.
The title of this tome says it all. You only live once, so why not eat the most deliciously deadly dishes possible and skip the whole “old age” thing altogether?
Some of the gastronomic monstrosities worth trying (at least once) before meeting your maker include: Lard-Oozing Caja-China-Roasted Hog, Ice Cream Lasagna and Deep-Fried Twinkies.
Defibrillator not included.
9. Mosh Potatoes: Recipes, Anecdotes, and Mayhem from the Heavyweights of Heavy Metal
This cookbook looks to an unlikely source for gourmet grub: heavy metal rock gods (and Spinal Tap-ish demigods) with a penchant for cookery. The result is a surprisingly appetizing collection of recipes such as Italian Spaghetti Sauce and Meatballs from Zakk Wylde of Black Label Society, a fiery “Krakatoa Surprise” from Lemmy of Motörhead, and Star Cookies from Dave Ellefson of Megadeth.
Hey, who wouldn’t want to eat food recommended by someone in a band called Anthrax?
8. Manifold Destiny: The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!
This book has become something of a cult classic since its original release two decades ago. And rightfully so. Why interrupt a long road trip with stops at the Cracker Barrel when you can cook a meal on the go?
Cooking with your car seems like a fun idea, though it’s unclear whether your warranty will cover melted mozzarella in the radiator.
Here’s an excerpt for you to try next time you’re on the hunger highway.
Eggs On Cheese Pie – Cooking distance: 55 miles
Ingredients: Breadcrumbs, 1/2 pound mozzarella cheese, 6 eggs, diced Canadian bacon, 6 empty tuna-fish cans for cooking, pinch of cayenne and paprika (optional), butter or spread, salt & pepper.
Wash 6 empty tuna cans and butter the insides. Sprinkle a few tablespoons of breadcrumbs into each can and shake to cover the base evenly. Dump out excess. Now cover with a half-pound of mozzarella (and some bacon), crack an egg on top of each, then add cayenne, salt, pepper and paprika. Wrap cans tightly in foil, place on a hot part of the engine with good contact for the base of each can, and after 55 miles they should be good.
7. Quick-Fix Cooking with Roadkill
Mmmmm, flattened aardvark scraped off the asphalt. What’s not appetizing about that?
This one is another classic of the bizarre cookery pantheon, which has inspired many knockoffs and copycats sold at rest stops wherever redneckery is in vogue.
This cookbook is mostly tongue-in-cheek, which is probably the only involvement your tongue should have with the recipes found within.
But on the off chance that you happen to be feeling famished the next time you flatten a raccoon, here’s a simple solution to try.
Ingredients: 2 slices of artisan bread, such as focaccia or ciabetta, thick-sliced cheese, a sliced tomato, lettuce (if available) and — here’s the kicker — “road meat, thinly sliced.”
Directions: “Assemble the ingredients into a sandwich.” Duh. Peterson recommends, however, that for the real pressed-panini experience, you roll over the sandwich once with your car tires. On a cold winter day, warm up your tires by skidding, then roll over the sandwich.
6. Axis of Evil Cookbook
Prior to the George W. Bush’s reign of terror, this tome might have a less interesting name such as “Exotic Foods of the Middle East.” But when Dubya labelled America’s post-9/11 enemies the Axis of Evil, these recipes become traitorously delicious. Author Gill Partingdon looked for real recipes with particularly evil-sounding names, though most are probably more scrumptious than anything on the menu at Applebee’s. Here’s one to try:
Tongue of the Judge (Iraq)
Note: no actual judges are de-tongued in the making of this recipe.
Ingredients: 2 large aubergines (eggplant), 450g minced lamb or beef, 2 onions, 2 chopped tomatoes, 3 tablespoons tomato puree, 1 teaspoon turmeric
Sauce: saute one chopped onion, add the tomatoes, tomato puree and turmeric. Add a mugful of water, season and simmer for 20 minutes. Remove the stalks and bottoms from the aubergines and then cut them lengthwise into slices about a quarter of an inch thick. Fry the slices quickly in hot oil so they are browned. Set them aside and make the stuffing by mixing the minced meat and the other chopped onion. Season and form into little sausages. Roll each of the sausages up in an aubergine slice and lay on a baking dish. Pour the tomato sauce over the top and put the dish in a medium hot oven for 40 minutes.
If you forget to brown the aubergine slices, the terrorists have already won.
5. Cookin’ with Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price
Forget Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay. The best cookery coaching always comes from washed up one-hit-wonder rappers with misspelled tattoos.
Coolio calls his personal brand of cuisine “Ghetto Gourmet.” To be fair, his recipes — which he has been honing since he was 10, apparently — seem more palatable than his musical output. For example:
Tricked Out Westside Tilapia
Ingredients: 2 lbs of Tilapia fillets, 1 can crushed tomatoes, 1 can fire roasted green chilies, 1/2 cup chopped white onion, 2 1/2 teaspoons crushed garlic, 1/2 can of beer (not light), 1 sliced yellow bell pepper, 1/2 cup malt vinegar, 1 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper, 1 1/2 teaspoons seasoning salt, 1 jalapeno pepper (optional)
Directions: Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place tilapia fillets in 2-qt. casserole dish. Sprinkle garlic, seasoning salt, and pepper all over the fillets. Put chopped onion in dish. Pour malt vinegar over the fillets. Mix everything and rub into fish with your hands. Lay fillets out flat and put can of roasted chilies over the fillets. Pour beer over the whole mixture. Add chopped jalapeno for extra heat. Pour can of crushed tomatoes and sliced pepper on top. Cover dish, place in oven, and cook for 35-40 minutes or until the fish is flaky. Keep spending most of your life livin’ in a gangsta’s paradise.
4. Ted and Shemane Nugent’s Kill It & Grill It
Liberal advocates of gun control and vegetarianism might as well call this one The Satanic Verses. The rock god and ultra-conservative motormouth, along with his loving wife (who is also armed to the teeth on the dust jacket), explain in this book how to find animals, make them dead, take them apart, heat them up and put them in your belly.
Chapter titles in the book include charmers like: Bushytail Bushwhackin’, I Like My Pork Pissed Off, and the terrifyingly peculiar Sexfried Fishslab.
That last one is worth repeating in italics: Sexfried Fishslab.
3. The Official High Times Cannabis Cookbook
Featuring recipes “inspired by” stoner celebrities such as Cheech & Chong, Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg, this book will help you satisfy your hunger and will make the music of Phish tolerable.
Suggested recipes to try: ganja guacamole, Texas cannabis chili, or the Pineapple Express.
Suggested line to tell your parents if they find this book under your bed: “I’m just holding onto it for a friend.”
2. The Iguana Cookbook: Save Florida, Eat an Iguana
The lowly iguana is an invasive species that is gobbling up Florida’s greenery and looking very smug about it.
The most sensible solution: catch them and eat them, before they invade the entire continental United States and monopolize all our heated rocks. As a patriotic American citizen, it’s the least you can do.
For starters, you can try a scrumptious Iguana Pozole.
Ingredients: 2 medium iguanas (they’re the tenderest), 5 cups bleached hominy, 10 cloves of garlic, 1 onion, some diced cabbage, oregano, salt, pepper.
Directions: Butcher and cut the iguana in pieces (you already know how to butcher an iguana, right?), wash, salt and blanch for 15–20 minutes. Simmer the corn, garlic, onion and a bay leaf, and salt to taste. At 10 minutes add the meat. Cook for another 15–20 minutes. Serve with sliced cabbage some of the onion slice, cilantro, oregano and pepper to taste.
What to expect: imagine if a crab and a chicken mated and had a baby. You’re eating that baby.
1. The Eat a Bug Cookbook
Face it: eating an insect isn’t really any more disgusting than tearing the seared flesh off the glistening carcass of a rotisserie chicken. If you’re going to eat the meat of a dead creature, why distinguish between those raised on farms and those that scuttle under the fridge when you turn on the lights?
Granted, the crunching of exoskeletons and the oozing of thorax goo aren’t terribly appealing. At least this cookbook tries to mask the buggy grossness in delicious seasonings and presentations.
Dishes include the Really Hoppin’ John (spicy grasshoppers), Pest-O (common garden weevils in a delicate basil sauce) and Fried Green Tomato Hornworm.
If nothing else, this book should come in handy if you and your pals want to play a drunken DIY version of Fear Factor.