‘Tis the season for Spring Break, which means millions of hard-bodied co-eds are flocking to sunny beaches to get sloshed, get naked and, if B-movie tropes are to be believed, get eaten by mutant supersharks.
Ever since Jaws made a generation fear the ocean, a slew of progressively sillier knockoffs have made later generations fear wasting their Sunday afternoons with shark-schlock marathons on TBS.
There seems to be a game of one-upsmanship happening between directors of these toothy train wrecks, each trying to out-stupid the last.
Here are 10 contenders for the most preposterous — and, yes, most entertaining — shark attacks in movie history.
10. Megalodon eats ’em by the boatload
Sure, the original Jaws was one of the most terrifying films ever made. But that shark only gobbled a measly one victim at a time, like little tapas appetizers. Pathetic. The marauding monster of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon literally eliminates people by the boatload, and still has room for a tasty jetski.
9. Jaws 2: Chopper Chomper
The first Jaws sequel had its merits — namely, that it was a lot better than the next two sequels. But whereas the original Jaws had glimmers of believability, this is where things started to get ridiculous in the franchise. And it started an aircraft-destroying trend that would be seen in a number of later knockoffs (see several clips below). Factoid: the muffled screams of the pilot in this clip, and the noise of the helicopter being damaged, are the exact same sounds from Jaws when the shark attacks the shark cage and Hooper.
8. Jersey Shore: where the shark is the most likeable character
Capitalizing on the inexplicable popularity of Jersey Shore is this monstrosity: Jersey Shore Shark Attack, in which the shark is performing a noble public service by reducing the population of tanned bimbos and douchebags. Thanks, shark. We owe you one.
7. Christopher Nolan, Take Notice: Batman Shark Repellent
Long before he became the mayor of Quahog, Adam West was saving the world from supervillains as TV’s original, uber-campy Batman. Although the show (and the 1966 spin-off movie, excerpted below) was deliberately hokey, the rubber shark chomping on Batman’s leg looks more realistic than almost any other shark on this list.
6. “I’ve had it with these mother(bleeping) sharks on this….”
Despite boasting some legitimate acting chops, Samuel L. Jackson has been in some real stinkers. While his legendary “motherf***ing snakes” speech in Snakes on a Plane is his most frequently quoted, his motivational (but truncated) soliloquy in Deep Blue Sea is perhaps more satisfying.
5. Damn You, Sharktopus!
The greatest trick Sharktopus ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. Damn you, Sharktopus.
4. Sharks can’t swim in the sand… or can they?
Yup, they can… when they are Sand Sharks! Take that, stupid skeptical sheriff! We’re guessing he gets eaten.
3. Helicopters schmelicopters — Mega Shark eats planes
Note: Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus is not a documentary, but we can see how you could make that mistake based on the clip below. Repeat: not a documentary.
2. Dinoshark hates helicopters too
If there’s one thing a prehistoric mega-shark can’t abide, it’s helicopters. That’s where present-day sharks get their loathing of helicopters from. Evolution is true: case closed.
1. Brooke Hogan Battles the Two-Headed Shark
Her daddy beat up King Kong Bundy, Andre the Giant and Randy “Macho Man” Savage. Hell, the Hulkster even vanquished a 500-pound opponent called The Shark. So why shouldn’t Brooke Hogan be able to singlehandedly destroy a giant, double-headed shark? Hogan Family: 2. Sharks: zilch.