There Are Killer Dolphins on the Loose and They’re Armed With Guns and Knives (For Real)

Photo credit: 20th Century Fox

Update: More information has emerged, and it looks like the widely reported story about killer dolphins escaping is, indeed, not true. There are still killer dolphins out there — that part is real. They aren’t roaming the oceans, trying to kill random people, however.

Got a fun vacation to a tropical location planned for the next few weeks? Yeah, about that… you might want to just stay holed up at your hotel. Hang out by the pool, swim in the pool, etc.

Maybe stay away from the beach.

There’s no way to sugarcoat this, and there’s no way to make it sound not ridiculous, so I’m just going to come out and say it: there are killer dolphins on the loose. They should be considered armed and dangerous.

Yes, armed. The Ukrainian Navy has been training a group of dolphins to attack and kill enemy swimmers using special knives and guns attached to their heads. This is a real thing.

Here’s a video that will explain a bit more about how this elite group of killer dolphins came to be:

Unfortunately, three of the program’s dolphins recently went AWOL. During a training session, they just up and swam away. Program officials think that they probably swam out to sea in search of some sexy female dolphins to party/mate with.

According to this site (which is in Russian), the dolphins were strapped with guns when they escaped. They probably looked something like this:

Photo via foreignpolicy.com

Officials have warned that the dolphins are “highly trained, intelligent, and can strike anywhere.” Just great!

Unless your name is Dr. Evil, the thought of marine animals with guns strapped to their bodies is quite possibly the most bizarrely frightening story you’re likely to hear this year. Dolphins have been known to cover distances of thousands of miles and some have even been discovered in freshwater rivers miles from the coast. In other words, stay out of the water!

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