We’ve all felt it: the unexpected testicular trauma that arises from too-tight jeans tugging or squishing down below.
Even the most “relaxed” pair of jeans can make you sing soprano when unforgiving denim gives your frank-and-beans a sudden squeeze.
To quote every infomercial actor ever: “There’s got to be a better way!”
Enter Junk Jeans — an idea so simple and intuitive, it’s amazing nobody has thought of it until now.
On a newly launched campaign on Kickstarter — where great and terrible ideas alike vie for crowdsourced funding — aims to bring the peculiarly named Hot Child Junk Jeans to men everywhere.
“We’ve corrected a design flaw that men have been enduring for over 100 years,” says Octavio Marc David Silva, the fashion impresario who has obviously spent an inordinate amount of time considering the fate of other men’s junk.
The jeans feature a “rounded gusset” under the crotch for for a pleasant “pouch” effect, as well as just the right amount of Lycra for a forgiving flex.
The Kickstarter campaign isn’t exactly going gangbusters yet, having only reached about seven percent of its $25,000 goal. Perhaps the word just hasn’t spread quite far enough yet.
Or perhaps the marketing play is slightly askew. Despite the altruistic intentions of the jeans — to forever abolish jean-related grape-squeezing — there’s another important benefit of Junk Jeans: they make your package look huge.
Protecting your jewels is one thing. Showcasing them in their unconstrained bulginess is another thing entirely.
Check out the photo. Clearly the photo at right is meant to showcase not the pain-reducing features of the jeans, but rather their bulge-enhancing power. Your groin will protrude so prominently, nearby objects will burst into flames! Now that’s a firecrotch.
When it comes to fashion, sexy trumps safety every time.
Check out the pitch below and decide whether your fellas need a little more breathing room, or just a little more attention.