After 138 episodes over seven seasons, NBC’s 30 Rock is taking its final bow tonight.
Those who have followed the show have reveled in the bottomless self-doubt of Tina Fey’s nerdily gorgeous Liz Lemon, the off-putting purity of NBC page-turned-president Kenneth (Jack McBrayer), and the insane genius of the Tracy Morgan’s portrayal of… himself (?).
But when it comes to the character with the highest ratio of dark-wit-per-line, it’s hard to beat Alec Baldwin’s rags-to-riches Republican elitist, Jack Donaghy. Over the years, we’ve learned that Jack has bow-hunted for polar bears, showered with Greta Van Susteren, trained in martial arts with Chuck Norris and overcome a peanut allergy through sheer willpower alone. At one point, he funds a “gay bomb” designed to make enemy troops “go totally gaybones for each other.” During college, he “worked the day shift at a graveyard, and the graveyard shift at a Days Inn.”
Jack. Is. Awesome. In an awful kind of way.
He deserves to be remembered long after 30 Rock has faded into the hazy ether of TV history.
To that end, here’s a collection of his greatest zingers. For added effect, imagine Alec Baldwin saying them directly to you in his deep half-whisper.
30. Weird in a good way, huh. Like going to the gym drunk.
29. Home run, Lemon. And speaking of baseball metaphors, I see that someone got to first base, which is what I consider sex with a stranger.
28. They’re Boston Irish Catholic. They mate for life, like swans. Like drunk, angry swans.
27. When we were on the DL we spent most of our time in the whirlpool getting rubbed down.
26. Typical liberal media. That’s why I get all my news from Dick Cheney’s website, dickviews.com.
25. Well, this would have proved my mother wrong, saying that ”Donaghy” is Gaelic for ”failure.” What the hell does she know? She’s a Murphy — bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.
24. Maybe someday you’ll be like me, running a billion dollar corporation, having people pay you for the privilege of cutting your hair, raising a child.
23. Lemon…you’re like a swarthy, big-hipped Kelly Ripa.
22. Very different, indeed. Like a cantaloupe… and a Ziploc bag of mushroom soup.
21. You look like a prison weed dealer.
20. I’ve got the next big reality show: we put a bunch of people on a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals… that the pilot is a six year old boy. We call it “Child Hell Flight.”
19. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry … is just another way to rap.
18. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
17. You’ll always be a pig farmer’s son, boy, cause I smell fried baloney all over you.
16. Reality TV. A woman with hundruplets, a live execution, the Real Transvestite Hoarders of Orange County Penitentiary.
15. All right, Donaghy. Follow your heart. Hard Equations And Rational Thinking. Damn you, HEART.
14. I’d never been to an audition before. It was upsetting. A grotesque carnival of human misery.
13. Big deal. l had sex with your prom date.
12. Doctor Kevorkian says we have to put her down. He’s a very good paediatrician but that is an unfortunate name.
11. Remarkable people, the Blacks — musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers. Again, l’m talking about the family. Black is African-American, though.
10. Uh, should Vaginatorium be capitalized?
9. Oh, what have I done? The woman is on vacation with her husband as we speak. Probably having beach sex. Which is the third best sex after elevator and White House.
8. I had the perfect woman. Gorgeous, brilliant, always let me be the hat in Monopoly. Why is this happening to me? God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?
7. Good God! Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter!
6. You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.
5. “The Italians have a saying, Lemon: ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’ And, although they’ve never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.”
4. Lemon: “I’m feeling pretty drunk.”
Jack: “Well, it’s business drunk. It’s like rich drunk. Either way, it’s legal to drive.”
3. You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that’s all you are. It happened to Hitler. No one ever talks about his paintings.
2. Jack: “Where do you invest your money, Lemon?”
Liz: “I’ve got like twelve grand in checking.”
Jack: “Are you an immigrant?”
1. Lemon: “Why are you wearing a tux?”
Jack: “It’s after 6. What am I, a farmer?”