So you’ve lost a button. Don’t lose your dignity too.
When most guys need a button reattached, they scurry off to mommy, a girlfriend or the nearest dumpster with buttonless garment in hand.
Be a man. Sewing can be manly.
Men enjoy sharp, pointy things like daggers and spears. Men enjoy ropes and knots. Men enjoy pushing cylindrical things into holes. Sewing requires all those things, just in miniature.
Don’t think of it as sewing; think of it as precision stabbing and hog-tying, with the ever-present danger of bloodshed.
Here’s how to git’r’done.
What you’ll need:
– A button. Ideally one that matches the other buttons on the garment (exempt: clowns).
– Needle and thread. Most dollar stores have emergency sewing kits, as will plenty of hotels and convention centers and other places where you’re likely to suddenly discover that you’ve gained some chubbage since you last tried to ladle yourself into an old suit. Fatty.
– Scissors, a knife or teeth.
What to do:
1. Cut about 24 inches of thread. That’s a little more than the length of two footlong Subway sandwiches.
2. Thread the needle. If you’re having trouble, lick it (the thread, not the needle). Once threaded, slide the needle so it’s halfway along the length of thread.
3. Tie a knot. Nothing fancy — just a simple nubbin that joins the two loose ends of the thread.
4. X marks the spot. You’ll want to make a little “anchor” to show you where the button will go, and to reinforce the material for when you get fatter again. Make a simple stitch, no wider than a grain of rice, then make another one perpendicular to it, so you’re left with a tiny “X” on the garment.
5. Sew! Hold the button just barely above the “X” (about an eighth of an inch over it), and spear the needle up from underneath the garment, through a hole, then back down through the hole diagonal to it. Do the same through the other two holes.
6. Repeat. Like, four to six times. You don’t want that bad boy popping off again.
6.1 Note: Don’t act too manly by pulling the thread really tight. If your button is too snug against the garment, it’ll be a bitch to actually do up. Plus, you’ll need some leeway to “wrap the shank” (coming in step 7).
6.2. Note: If, at any point in the process, you feel a piercing sensation in your finger and a red stain appears on the garment, you’re doing it wrong.
8. Stab the shank. Push the needle through the shank a few times, really getting the thread ensnared in itself. Then plunge the needle through the base of the shank to the other side of the garment.
9. Tie it off with a knot or two, then snip off the loose ends. Admire.
10. Button up like a boss. You did it!
Before putting away the needle, use it to pop balloons near dozing senior citizens. You’ve earned that privilege.