Of all the existential questions that plague men — What’s the meaning of life? Will I be a good father? — one trumps them all: is my penis big enough?
If spam e-mails and pop-up ads are an accurate barometer of universal male angst, penis size is the single most important problem facing mankind.
At some point, every guy on earth wonders how he measures up. No amount of female assurances that “size doesn’t matter” will fully quell a man’s nagging curiosity about his position along the wang-size spectrum. Men fear they’re too stubby or too girthy or too curvy or not porny enough — and any man who says otherwise is lying.
Part of the problem is that men have never had a universally agreed-upon member-measurement methodology. When gauging size, does one use a tape measure or a ruler? What constitutes the “base” of the penis? What about scrotal variables? What is the proper ratio of circumference to length? At one point in the calculation does one multiply by pi?
Wonders never cease: there’s now an app for that. Condom Size is a smartphone app with handy measures and instructions for getting a penis measurement with high-tech accuracy.
The app is charmingly straightforward in its instructions: “Hold hard member straight against inches or cm on sides of screen.” You might want to keep that in mind the next time you borrow a buddy’s phone.
Ostensibly, Condom Size is designed to do what its name implies: give users an accurate suggestion for which size of rubber to buy. Handy information, certainly.
In reality, though, the app will undoubtedly serve as a way for men to finally get an “official” measure of their relative hungness.
It’s also a foregone conclusion that the app will make for some exciting hijinks at drunken college parties, especially if Condom Size works in tandem with smartphone video cameras.