It was announced today that the Transport Security Administration will order the removal of all backscatter X-ray machines from American airports.
This sounds a bit dull, until you utter the so-amazing-you’ve-gotta-holler-it-aloud nickname of these machines:
Pretty great, huh?
Turns out, the machines aren’t nearly as awesome as the nickname implies.
The hugely expensive and dubiously useful full-body scanning contraptions, which essentially give airport security guards a digitized glimpse of your birthday suit, will be yanked from airports due to persistent privacy concerns.
Ya think? The scanners can see your body’s every contour, bulge and and poorly timed boner, not to mention tampons and other embarrassing unmentionables.
The TSA took action this week after it was revealed that the software running the machines couldn’t be rejigged to make the images less naughty. Although such images are supposed to be deleted immediately, it has been demonstrated that they can be saved and distributed on the Internet, just like 75 quadrillion other nude pictures are every day.
Oh, and the machines might give you cancer. But hey, what won’t?
Manufacturer Rapiscan (note: this is probably pronounced “rap-uh-scan,” not “rape-eye-scan,” though the latter seems more fitting) will reportedly absorb the cost of removing 174 machines from airports.
To recoup their losses, Rapiscan could sell the used machines on eBay. The keyword “PORNOSCANNER” alone should attract an awful lot of bidders.