Is there anyone in the world right now who’s more pumped than Lance Armstrong? His two-and-a-half hour confession is set to air tonight and tomorrow night on the Oprah Winfrey Network, but no one’s talking about it because a high-profile college football player just got wrapped up in one of the most bizarre stories in sports history.
It looks like the incredible tale of Manti Te’o and his imaginary girlfriend will allow Armstrong to escape the intense scrutiny that his way-late confession deserves, but the disgraced cycling star’s confession will probably still pull in a decent chunk of viewers.
If you’re planning to watch Armstrong either spill his guts or continue to evade the tough questions and lie through his teeth, why not raise the stakes with a drinking game? After all, how else do you expect to sit though a two-part interview with one of the world’s biggest a**holes?
I advise drawing up your own set of rules, depending on how drunk you want to get (it is a Thursday night, after all). Here are some general guidelines to get you started:
- Take a drink whenever Armstrong says the word “Livestrong.”
- Take a drink whenever Armstrong says the word “God.”
- Take a drink whenever Armstrong says the word “regret.”
- Take a drink whenever Armstrong says the word “sorry.” Finish your drink if it actually sounds like he means it.
- Take two drinks whenever Armstrong references the concept of “pressure” and how much of it he claims to have felt during his racing career.
- Take a shot for every tear Armstrong sheds.
- Take two shots for every tear Oprah sheds.
- Finish your drink whenever Armstrong points out that the performance-enhancing drugs he took don’t change the fact that he beat cancer (even if those drugs might have caused, or at least worsened, his cancer).
- Punch yourself in the face every time he says or hints that “everyone was doing it,” as if that justifies anything.
- Inject yourself with a performance-enhancing drug every time Armstrong argues he should be allowed to compete again.