NBA Title winner: Oklahoma City Thunder
World Series winner: Toronto Blue Jays
Time Magazine’s Person of the Year: Curiosity, the Mars rover. I’m predicting that the little guy is going to find evidence of life on Mars in mid-2013 and lock down all the end-of-year awards, despite its questionable personhood status.
Celebrity arrest: Snoop
Dogg Lion. The dude smokes 81 blunts a day. Want an easy arrest to pad your stats, cops? Just go to wherever he is.
Celebrity death: Hulk Hogan. Cause of death: heart attack suffered while performing the least impressive finishing move in the history of wrestling, the Atomic Leg Drop. Or while banging one of his friends’ wives (again).
Movie I’m most looking forward to: Scary Movie 5! Kidding, obviously. I guess Star Trek Into Darkness, but I could just as easily have said Elysium or The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. It’s looking like a good year for fans of sci-fi and fantasy.
Album I’m most looking forward to: The long-rumored new Tool album (that probably isn’t coming out for several more years).
Video game I’m most looking forward to: The Last of Us. Looks like the Naughty Dog crew is going to give us the crowning achievement for this generation of console games.
Trend that needs to die: Commercials in which people in different locations talk to each other as if that’s a thing that’s possible. The NFL is the worst offender, but I’ve seen it from other companies, too. I like my ads to respect the space-time continuum, thank you very much.
Best reason to continue living through 2013: Google’s Project Glass. We’re pretty much living in the future, people. It’s awesome. Even if these glasses aren’t a runaway hit — and I think there are many reasons to expect the public to be hesitant to jump on-board the wearable computing train — the will represent a major step forward in the Jetsons-ification of our world.
2013’s biggest WTF moment will be: Halloween will be on October 32nd. Don’t ask me how or why, I just have a hunch it’s going to happen.
Super Bowl winner: The Muncie Flyers! They’re overdue. Sure, the Indiana franchise only existed between 1920 and 1921, and mostly sat idle after getting trounced 45-0 by the Rock Island Independents in their inaugural game, but hey — I love an underdog.
NBA Title winner: The team with the greatest average height. Sorry, but I was the worst player on my elementary school basketball team — I didn’t score a single point all season, but got three nosebleeds — and I’ve hated the sport ever since.
World Series winner: I only trust sports predictions made by octopi.
Time Magazine’s Person of the Year: Richard Stengel, managing editor of Time Magazine. Expect controversy.
Celebrity arrest: Tammy Lynn Sytch, better known as WWE “Diva” Sunny, who was once the “most downloaded woman” in the world. She was arrested five times in the span of a month during 2012, so at least one more arrest in 2013 seems like a safe bet.
Celebrity death: So-called psychic Sylvia Browne. She has the husky baritone of a carton-a-day smoker, and surely a charlatan like her can’t evade comeuppance forever. But since most of her predictions end up being wrong, I imagine this one will be too, unfortunately.
Movie I’m most looking forward to: I would like to say some existentialist art-house film, but a more honest answer would be Texas Chainsaw 3D. It will probably be horrible, but the filmmakers have included some enticing nuggets for fans of the awesome original two films, such as cameos by Gunnar “Leatherface” Hansen and Bill “Chop Top” Moseley. For nerds of the franchise, this is catnip.
Album I’m most looking forward to: The new studio album by heavy metal godfathers Black Sabbath — the first studio album by the original line-up (minus drummer Bill Ward, unfortunately) since 1978. Will they recapture the magic that defined a genre and inspired many a mullet? Probably not. Will they tarnish their legacy? Prolly.
Video game I’m most looking forward to: Grand Theft Auto V. I look forward to neglecting family, friends and domestic responsibilities for many hours thanks to the next installment of the greatest video game franchise ever.
Trend that needs to die: “Gangnam Style.” Yes, the song is catchy and the video is fun. But the moment has passed. PSY needs to horsey-dance back to Korea and take his annoyingly infectious earworm with him.
Best reason to continue living through 2013: Scientists are getting very, ever close to creating an invisibility cloak. Hovercars are surely next.
2013’s biggest WTF moment will be: When the apocalypse finally happens on a random day unforeseen by the Mayans, Nostradamus, Long Island Medium, religious wingnuts or anyone else. I’m guessing mid-summer, almost certainly on a Monday.
NBA Title winner: New York Knicks
World Series winner: St. Louis Cardinals
Time Magazine’s Person of the Year: Honey Boo Boo Child
Celebrity arrest: Lindsay Lohan
Celebrity death: Lindsay Lohan (overdose)
Movie I’m most looking forward to: Terrence Malick’s Knight of Cups
Album I’m most looking forward to: Jimmy Eat World’s Untitled 8th Album
Video game I’m most looking forward to: None
Trend that needs to die: Are people still sagging their pants? Seriously, guys, stop it.
Best reason to continue living through 2013: I’m of vintage flavor — live to love. More and more of it. I’d also love to taste Baker’s Bourbon barreled in 2006 — I think it’s gonna be a stellar offering.
2013’s biggest WTF moment will be: Kim Kardashian pregnant with Kanye West’s child. The WTF will come when they name the baby I’mma Go. I’mma Go West.
NBA Title winner: Toronto Raptors
World Series winner: Toronto Blue Jays
Time Magazine’s Person of the Year: David Woods’ Mom…or Barack Obama
Celebrity arrest: Justin Bieber
Celebrity death: Justin Bieber
Movie I’m most looking forward to: Oblivion
Album I’m most looking forward to: None
Video game I’m most looking forward to: Aliens: Colonial Marines
Trend that needs to die: Twitter
Best reason to continue living through 2013: I have no idea and that is frightening.
2013’s biggest WTF moment will be: When the NHL season is cancelled.