It happens every year at around this time: so-called psychics reveal their mystical prognostications for the coming 12 months.
They use their magical powers to predict global catastrophes and celebrity divorces (is there really a difference?), and news outlets lap it up because they’re understaffed around the Christmas holidays and desperately need filler.
The psychics can basically predict anything they want, because practically nobody remembers what they’ve predicted after a martini-fueled New Year’s celebration.
But a few watchdogs are keeping tabs on the hucksters. The good people at Relatively Interesting have compiled a thorough rundown of 2012 predictions by some of America’s “top” psychics, and checked to see which predictions actually came true (hint: not many).
The revelations that did come to pass were, for the most part, commonsense predictions that anyone with basic human cognition could have made through educated guesswork.
Below is a rundown of some of the most egregious lapses in clairvoyance for 2012. Remember, these are from people considered to be among the best psychics.
12. Giant Earthquake in California
This is a classic. This time it comes from Psychic Nikki, but every year lots of psychics predict “The Big One” will finally hit California. The state is overdue for a huge quake. You can bet that, when it happens, dozens of psychics will come out of the wordwork screaming “I told you so.” They might be drowned out, however, by all the seismologists shouting the same thing.
11. An Emmy Award for Anderson Cooper’s TV talk show
Californian “Spiritual Counselor” Judy Hevenly was likely trying to land herself a guest spot on the show with this one. Cooper has chatted with supposed psychics in the past. But flattery got Hevenly nowhere, it seems, possibly because she was wrong — way wrong: Cooper’s talk show was canceled in the fall.
10. Tiger Woods will win the U.S. Open this year
Although betting on Tiger was practically a sure-thing for years, Webb Simpson took the U.S. Open in 2012. Psychic Blair Robertson, who bungled this prediction, charges $500 for an hour-long phone reading.
9. Barack Obama will trip or fall
So-called “World Psychic” Lamont Hamilton made a pretty safe guess with this one. Has anyone ever made it through an entire year without tripping and falling? Well, Obama did, apparently. If he did have such a blooper, the cameras didn’t catch it. That man is graceful like a cat.
UPDATE: We stand corrected! Lamont Hamilton has helpfully pointed out (see comments below) that this premonition actually came to pass, and Obama did indeed stumble at a campaign stop in Tampa. Although Hamilton’s timing wasn’t quite right — he predicted it would happen in the “early months” of 2012, and it actually happened in June — Obama did stumble. Of course, Obama has cameras pointed at him practically every minute of every day, and he’s only human, but we’ll concede that Hamilton correctly predicted this wholly predictable happening.
8. George Clooney will become a father
Sidney “Sidney Seer” Friedman could technically be correct about this one. Clooney might have “slipped one past the goalie” at some point in 2012. But, if so, the news hasn’t been made public. There are certainly enough women out there who wish they could give this a try.
7. A baby for Jennifer Anniston (sic)
Perhaps Jennifer Aniston (note the spelling, Psychic Nikki) secretly hooked up with George Clooney. But without any confirmation, zillions of men and women worldwide will just have to continue fantasizing about a Clooney-Aniston baby-making session.
6. Indi (sic) and Pakistan at war
Nikki (Psychic to the Stars!), is at war with spelling. And the facts.
5. The Holy Grail will be found
Another fail by Nikki. Everybody knows that the Holy Grail remains protected by the Rabbit of Caerbannog, which can only be defeated by the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
4. Watch for major riots to occur in Miami and London in the spring
Blair Robertson is The Washington Times‘ “favorite prognosticator.” Perhaps he earned that distinction because some reporters got sent on cushy assignments to the lovely, riot-free locales of Miami and London this past year?
3. A member of royalty will die in a car crash within 6 months
Blair Robertson didn’t specify which “royalty” he meant, so it’s quite possible that an obscure monarch in some backwater country indeed got fatally schmucked in a car accident. But it certainly didn’t happen to anyone in the British Royal Family.
2. Terrorist attacks planned for New York, Washington, Boston, Texas and Florida (but most are thwarted)
“Psychic Twins” Terry and Linda Jamison hedged their bets here, since the prediction was basically that terrorist attack’s won’t happen. Perhaps such attacks were indeed thwarted, and the public has been kept in the dark about it? Or perhaps the Psychic Twins are spouting nonsense in unison?
1. Barack Obama will be a one-term president
Unlike some of her wishy-washy peers, Carmen Harra (who calls herself an “Intuitive Psychologist and Karmic Relationship Counselor”) actually made a bold, unequivocal prediction. And she was boldly, unequivocally wrong.