“He’s so sexy. I just love how his belly and love handles remind me of my favorite animal, the walrus,” said no girl ever.
What are you eating these days? A mix of fast-food and rich, restaurant appetizers and entrees? It may be time to stop.
Yeah, I get it, and I can easily empathize. We’re dudes. We gotta get our wings, rings and beer fix from time to time. But if you’re ordering processed goo every time you go out to eat, the red flags of warning are waving.
If you’re on a date and eating like a shark in a pool of chum, what signs and signals are you sending to a sweet lady-friend? You’re just asking for health / obesity problems, which you really don’t want to have to deal with.
Below, I’ve identified five of the unhealthiest restaurant options in the nation. They might look delicious, but they are packed with levels of fat and sodium that could render an elephant comatose. Try to avoid these dishes, as well as others like them.
1. Chipotle – Burritos
Chipotle burritos are amazing. They are delicious, filled with some nutrient-rich foods and enjoyed from time to time by many people — and every day, but some people. Don’t be that guy. These burritos are the size of newborns wrapped in swaddling clothes. You’re committing to 1,000-plus calories every time you put one of these suckers down. And if you add chips, guacamole and a drink to the mix? Or a beer? Moderation, my friend… moderation.
2. Olive Garden – Tour of Italy
When you think of touring Italy, do you ever imagine doing it in a day? If not, then why would you sit down and try to do it in the form of a meal? Everything about the Olive Garden Tour of Italy, a dish that includes three entrees on one plate, is bad news. It’s coming at your gut with a ridiculous 1,450 calories. Again, add a drink, those unlimited bread sticks and a (I’ll feel healthier if I eat a) salad to the mix, and you’ve eaten everything you need to get through an entire day — and more. This monstrosity has a staggering 74 grams of fat and a ridiculous 3,830 milligrams of salt. You don’t want to know how those figures compare to your recommended daily intake of those things.
3. Red Lobster – Admiral’s Feast
You love seafood, but you’re landlocked. What do you do? You hit Red Lobster. I can offer great empathy on this one. My seafood tastes have changed, having lived on various coasts for the past 12 years, but Red Lobster holds a special place in my gut. Forget the Admiral’s Feast — I always go straight for the Ultimate Feast!
Be careful with these options. Because of the crab leg cracking, shrimp peeling and all of the dipping and chewing, you won’t feel like you’ve put down over 1,500-plus calories. And those succulent Cheddar Bay Biscuits? 150 calories a pop — and loaded with saturated fat. I’ll never forget eating an Ultimate Feast and then going to a screening of The Blair Witch Project in the summer of 1999. Bad decision.
4. Cheesecake Factory – Grilled Chicken and Avocado Club
You hear grilled and you think healthy, right? Wrong. Sure, this is a great option — to share with two other people. Over 1,750 calories and loaded with salt. If you want hypertension in your old age, feel free to feast on this one. It’s another one of those things you should never ever eat when on a date, though. You’re setting yourself up for failure as the evening progresses — if you can even remain awake with this brick in your gut.
5. Outback Steakhouse – Bloomin’ Onion
Damn, these guys are so delicious. Satan himself must have developed this recipe. It’s as decadent as a food can get — and also as unhealthy. Each Bloomin’ Onion has about 1,950 calories and truck loads of saturated fat with an Australian accent. I can’t say anything else about it or I’ll end up at Outback for lunch… eating a Bloomin’ Onion. You should stop thinking about them, too.
Bonus! Any Dish at Any Fast Food Chain
You’ll be hard-pressed to find a nutritionist who would ever recommend eating anything from a fast food joint. Many of the chains are working hard to offer some more health-conscience options, but is anyone actually ordering that stuff? Admit it — you aren’t.
For every salad offered by Burger King, there’s something else created to offer balance — like an incredible, bacon-topped sundae. That’s how they get you — by combining pork, ice-cream and chocolate. Those maniacs!