5 Girls You Should Never, Ever Date (Ever)

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Over the years, dating advice columnists have created a bunch of pretend laws and numerical models to help them determine (justify might be a better way of putting it) when it’s OK to date a particular person in your life. There’s the “half your age plus seven” rule for deciding how young is too young, the “never date someone you wouldn’t marry” rule and the tastefully named “never stick your dick in crazy” rule. You get the picture.

Generally, you can toss these rules aside unless you’re a complete moron. Apart from the fact that there’s definitely a point where a girl is too young to date (ask a policeman for help with this one if you’re unsure where that point is), some of the most interesting relationships can come from bending the rules a little bit. You miss out on a lot of fun if you steer clear of all the crazy girls — you just need to have a plan for cutting off all ties when things go south.

There are, however, a few specific females you need to avoid ever getting romantically involved with — even for just a one-night stand. If you get mixed up with these girls, things will not end well for you. Commit this list to memory and be prepared to say a firm “no” if one of these girls ever starts to hit on you. You’ll thank us.

Never date your co-worker

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If you work in different buildings, or at least different departments within the same building, then this is a rule you can probably ignore in cases with extenuating circumstances (like if she’s really, really, ridiculously hot). If not, though, you need to stay away.

Things just get way, way too messy when HR gets involved — and there’s a good chance they’ll get involved if your work projects are intertwined with your girlfriend’s. Heck, you need to get HR involved just to protect yourself if either you or your girlfriend is in a position of authority over the other. You don’t want her going to HR and saying you threatened her or demanded sexual favors in exchange for favorable treatment at work.

Besides, do you really want to be easily accessible to your girlfriend 24 hours a day? Work is a place you can go to get away from her, but that isn’t possible if your girl sits two cubicles over. You’ll never be able to call in sick and spend the day at home playing video games by yourself if you’re dating a co-worker, because she’ll know you just want to get away from her. You’ll never be able to use the “I have to work late” excuse to get out of a date and watch the game with your guy friends because she’ll know that you aren’t actually working late.

Don’t do it.

Never date your ex’s best friend

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There’s something enticing and almost magical about the prospect of getting back at your ex by dating her best friend. What revenge could be sweeter?

The sweetness isn’t worth it.

First of all, your ex’s best friend is a crappy person if she agrees to date you. Who agrees to date their best friend’s ex? That person is a really bad friend. If she’s that disloyal to her best friend, you can’t reasonably expect her to remain loyal to you.

Secondly, you’re just setting yourself up for a world of hurt in the future if you go down this path. Be honest with yourself: chances are you’re eventually going to break up with the ex’s best friend just like you broke up with your ex. Then they will become friends again (assuming they stopped being friends when you started dating the ex’s friend, which is a virtual certainty). This is really bad.

You hate your ex, right? Now you’ll hate two girls and they will be on the same team of hating you back. You’ll be outnumbered. Imagine how much fun they’ll have getting together and hatetalking about you with each other (and with all their other friends). Every embarrassing detail about you will be shared. That one time (or multiple times) you were bad in bed? You better believe the two of them are going to talk for hours about it. They may even try to one-up each other with tales of all the times you accidentally farted in front of them or ejaculated too quickly. You don’t need that kind of information out there.

Never date your ex’s sister

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To some guys, this is like a holy grail of dating. You get to upgrade from your ex to her hotter, younger and (you assume) much freakier sister. How great is that?

Not great.

Think of the implications of what you’re doing. You can never spend time with your girlfriend’s family because your ex will be there. Her parents will already know you and they’ll know about how you hurt their other daughter. Every time your girlfriend leaves you to be with her family, she’ll be going back to a group of people who aren’t exactly your biggest fans. That’s messy, man.

In this scenario, you’ll encounter a lot of the same issues you do when you date your ex’s best friend — only they’ll be even worse. Sisters are bound by blood — you and your girlfriend are probably just a temporary thing. When it ends for you (and if it didn’t work with the first sister, do you really think it’s going to work with the other one?), the two sisters are going to have a lot of dirt they can use against you.

Never date your best friend’s sister

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Again, you need to stay away from sisters.

This case is a bit different than dating your ex’s sister because there’s little chance your best friend’s sister is going to gossip about you with her brother following a break-up. Sisters and brothers just don’t talk about that stuff.

There is, however, a very real risk you’ll get your ass kicked by your friend. And he’ll be totally justified in doing so.

The issue here is the respect you need to show your friend. Unless he’s made it very clear that he’s okay with you dating his sister, she’s completely off-limits. Think about one of your disgusting and depraved friends dating your sister — it wouldn’t be cool at all. You can’t do that to one of your friends, no matter how hot his sister may be.

Never date your teacher

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It’s a fantasy for many guys, but dating your teacher is something best left in the world of the imagination. There’s no quicker way to tell the whole world about how freaky you are than by dating a teacher in real life. News of your relationship will leak out (probably due to you bragging about it) and the media love stories about teachers dating students — especially if you’re under-age. Don’t believe me? Look at all these examples. You don’t want your dirty laundry aired on the news in front of the entire nation.

It’s also a bad idea because of the very real risk of ruining your teacher’s life. There are laws in place to prevent teachers from dating their students. Unless you’re a pretty crappy person, you don’t want to put your teacher in that kind of position.

Even if you’re one of the crazy guys who’s convinced that he and his teacher are in love and that your love will prevail, consider that you’re going to have a hard time living a decent lifestyle when your relationship gets discovered and your teacher gets fired (and potentially can’t get another job because she has to register as a sex offender).

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2 Responses to 5 Girls You Should Never, Ever Date (Ever)

  1. I thought Taylor Swift would’ve been the last one…