Now that there’s barely a week left in the month-long global hairification of upper lips known as Movember, it’s time to turn our minds toward the next charitable lapse in male grooming.
Since a big part of Movember’s success hinges on the fact that most men (Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds aside) look off-puttingly skeezy with moustaches, the key to a successful follow-up campaign is enhanced skeeziness.
The perfect candidate: the neckbeard.
If the moustache says “I have aspirations to be a Boston cop or a 1970s porn star,” the neckbeard replies: “Oh yeah? Well I have no aspirations at all.”
With a few notable exceptions throughout history — Abraham Lincoln, for instance — men who have sported a full-on neckbeard have been subjected to female revulsion and chronic neck itch.
Surely growing a neckbeard for a month would be a gesture of self-sacrifice worthy of charitable fundraising for some good cause or another. So we propose Neckbeardruary, which will give Movember participants enough time to attain forgiveness from their girlfriends/wives before plunging back into the a month of scraggly unpleasantness.
For inspiration, we present some truly tremendous/horrendous neckbeards, past and present.