5 Gorgeous Women in History Who Never Actually Existed

Throughout the ages — from the Trojan War to Jersey Shore — men have dueled and died to win the affections of beautiful women.

Rather predictably, the more beautiful the damsel, the fiercer the fellas have fought to lay claim to (or just lay) her.

Many of these lovely ladies have, however, suffered from the teensy shortcoming that they never actually existed in the first place.

Renowned debunker of bunk Brian Dunning has compiled a list of historical femmes fatales, both real and imaginary, on his site Skeptoid.com, and we’ve narrowed it down to the five hottest women who never lived.

5. Helen of Troy

“Is that a lyre on your lap or are you just happy to see me?” Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

She had a “face that launch’d a thousand ships,” according to Christopher Marlowe’s Dr. Faustus, and her abduction brought about the Trojan War. That’s assuming the Trojan War actually happened, for starters, which is a matter of some scholarly contention. Even if it did happen in one form or another (and involved preposterously oversized horse with soldiers hiding inside), Helen of Troy almost certainly remains a purely mythical hottie.

She was a sultry character in Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey, and is believed to have played a starring role in Greek legends dating back centuries before Homer, meaning she probably never lived. Quoth Homer: “D’oh.”

4. Rosie the Riveter

Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

The enduring symbol of female wartime industriousness — and the inspiration behind innumerable present-day roller derby team logos — has a tomboyish quality that is oddly irresistible. Rosie represented all the American women who worked in factories to make weapons and supplies for the men who were overseas trying to blow up the Führer.

Made famous by a 1942 song by the same name, Rosie the Riveter was said to be “part of the assembly line… making history.” And, according to posters bearing her supposed likeness, Rosie had high cheekbones and a toned biceps that surely gave chills to the more submissive men of her era. Sadly for them, she was merely a sexy, fictitious stand-in for factory-working women who were probably more grimy than gorgeous.

3. Tokyo Rose

One of the contenders for the title of Tokyo Rose. Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

Her sultry voice floated across the airwaves of the South Pacific during the Second World War, her messages of propaganda cloaked in a come-hither tone. Lonely servicemen might have been wooed by her broadcasts if she hadn’t been so heavy-handed with suggestions of surrender.

In reality, Tokyo Rose was probably the common monicker given to a half-dozen or so English-speaking female DJs in Japan. Debate has simmered for decades over who was, and who wasn’t, the “real” Tokyo Rose, but it’s probably a moot point, since most servicemen are said to have seen right through her transparent guise. It’s safe to assume, though, they also imagined seeing right through her transparent blouse.

2. Guinevere

Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

The Queen of Arthurian legend, the frisky monarch rumored to have had an extramarital fling with Sir Lancelot, was about as real as Merlin’s spells. The historical veracity of Arthurian lore — the realm of Camelot, the Knights of the Round Table and, to a lesser extent, the Knights Who Say Ni — has been debated for ages.

It’s safe to assume that the jaw-dropping Guinevere, whose name translates to “White Enchantress,” is a figment of fiction. Interestingly, the name “Guinevere” is believed to be the predecessor of the modern English name “Jennifer,” which might explain why so many men consider Ms. Aniston to be such a white enchantress.

1. The Triple-Boobed Woman from Total Recall

Technically, this generously bosomed female is not a historical figure, since Total Recall is set in a dystopian 2085, largely on the planet Mars. Although nobody actually believes she was real, we just felt like mentioning her anyway. Along with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s disturbing, buggy-eyed death rattle at the film’s apex, the appearance of the three-breasted Martian hooker is one of the few unforgettable moments in the 1992 action flick.

Her scene in Total Recall was so iconic that the creators of the rather unnecessary 2012 remake were sure to include a triple-boobed starlet (played by the fetching Kaitlyn Leeb, who has merely two boobs in real life).  For our money, the original triple-boobed Martian hooker, played by Lycia Naff, will always retain a special place in Hollywood history. Fact: the script originally called for four breasts, but it was decided that the prosthetic looked too “bovine.”

three-breasts

Photo credit: Sony Pictures Entertainment

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46 Responses to 5 Gorgeous Women in History Who Never Actually Existed

  1. Does no one ever check articles for accuracy?
    Ok, here goes.
    1. The battle of troy did occur, we have known the proof of that for the better part of a century now with ongoing excavations to this day. That several classical writers describe Helen as being a radiant beauty probably means she was. We do not have a photo of her or anything else, but, we have no reason to totally discount the entire story either.

    2. Rosie the riveter was not herself a real person, much like G.I Joe was not a real person, but, they did represent real people. The woman who was the model for Rosie was a girl called Geraldine Doyle who was even hotter than Rosie was. Geraldine did work for a short time in a machine shop during the war and it was there her photo was taken.

    3. Guinevere is a creation of writers and the three breasted hooker isn’t that good looking to begin with.

    • How dare you insult the three breasted hooker! Let us have our dreams,Craig.

    • Martina Crews says:

      Thank you for clarifying that up. I was sitting here reading this going wth?? All of your points were dead on. It was bugging me about Troy and ur point about Rosie AND I was like what on earth is the hooker in there for anyway…she no where no way even comes close to the others..so thank you for taking the time to address those points.

    • Helen Peterson says:

      As a researcher of the Uther Pendragon line, my 34th great grandfather, I’ve found two ‘King Arthurs’ that seem to be the inspiration for the mythical lore that was added. The first King Arthur, had three wives, all named, Gwenhwyfar. The third wife, the famous ‘Gwenivere’ didn’t have children and left Arthur for another King, for awhile but came back. Some say she and Arthur are buried at Glastonbury Cathedral, in England. (my old stomping grounds). Lancelot did exist, as did the other knights, historically – more knights in my family may have been part of the group but he wasn’t the king Gwenivere had the brief affair with. It’s important to not base assumptions on basic history books. Many historians agree that ‘history’ was rewritten in the 1700′s in England & Europe to create one common religious and political setting for the masses. Celtic and Pagan history was drastically covered up, interestingly many of the Roman/Greek Gods were based on historical figures that were greatly admired. Many of the attributes of King Arthur were taken from Uther Pendragon and other warring dukes but, mainly from the King Arthurs of circa 400 and 600 AD. The same goes for a ‘Helen of Troy’, many other references to her would suggest that she did exist but she was novelized by Homer and others. One historical account infers that she soon tired of Paris and missed her husband, since he was more forceful than Paris. Other historians say she was in Egypt during the whole war. As the internet connects us to more new discoveries, stay tuned.

      • Yeah, books by histrians are generally a good place to start. There’s absolutely no way you are related to the mythical King Arthur. Also your Helen of Troy “historical account” point is insane. There can’t be a historical account of something that happened before people started writing things down. The only reason we have the illiad story is because somebody wrote down what was at that point a pretty old oral tale.

        • Skeptical have you ever taken a world history class? The first actual form of writing was formed in Mesopotamia around 3200 bc. The Trojan war took place in the Mycenaean period of Greece. Which was during 1600-1100 bc so of course they had a writing system.

    • actually NO we don’t have proof of anything other than the existence of the town of Troy and although there may have been battles – ok there surely were fights but the archaeology of the time was poorly recorded by an amateur so there we don’t know for sure who was involved or exactly when.

      Also the Iliad and the Odessy – were they important works or are they simply one of the few surviving works from the time and how much of what is in them was fictional?
      perhaps half, perhaps most or maybe all of it?

      as with nearly all of the ancient written works it is guesswork as to which is fiction and which is non-fiction.

      Troy was there and was destroyed and rebuilt many times over but was never huge, at least by modern standards.

      the Greeks were the terrorists of the ancient world though so that may be one of the locations they chose to destroy but who knows.

      • time to hit the history books again heavily opinionated sir, greeks were adventurers and explorers that wanted to spread their culture just like every other group of people, if greeks were terrorists so was EVERYONE

        • Been reading my books for years and I am tired of people who have the wrong impression and think the Persians were the bad guys in the war against the Spartans who started the whole thing.

          All you need do to find the truth is read your Herodutus and Xenophon!!

          Do you remember your history?

          Thomas Jefferson had two copies of the Cyropaedia and used the freedoms of Persia as a basis for the Bill of Rights.

          while Sparta in particular and Greece in general had slaves and women did not have any rights in Persia the women not only owned and inherited land they voted and held office.

          Cyrus respected all religions in his domains.

          I did my research ……the Persians at Thermopylae were coming in response to their own 9/11 which was much worse than our twin towers

          the city of Sardis was burned to the ground and the citizens were not allowed to escape.
          Thermopylae happened after the Persians sent emissaries around the known world asking for help, much as George Bush did and the Spartans killed the messenger of Xerxes who was asking for aid in his crisis.

          and the movie 300 got all the number wrong of course…they reduced the number of Spartans and increased the number of Persians who by the way were probably blond blue eyed Aryans and it was the Spartans who were the short dark levantines but in the movie they change who is the ‘good guy’ and they are supposed to be the blond blue eyed ones.

          http://www.spentaproductions.com/300themovie_the_truth_behind_300.htm

        • Actually the Greeks and the Romans were conquerors. They forced they beliefs and values on others. They are the United States. Africa was even named after a Roman General after they shared there views and culture with those people. Reference Scipio Africanus. He defeated the real Hannibal at the final battle of the Second Punic War at Zama.

      • F–k the books and f–k the history you learn in school and you see on tv. Look it up in the archives also talk to people who know things. I tell you what I know and it’s from the deepest source available. Also I have travelled to some locations and saw it with my own eyes. Troy (Trijka) is actually a name for a bigger town with 3 towers. Troys existed all over the Europe region. All of the people who lived there belived in god named Serbuon (which represented the Sun, the creator of life) and all the towns had his huge statues mostly presented by a lion body with a human head and no one did any stupid war that is mentioned inbetween those towns. For example the the so called Greeks and Trojans were one and the same people so it makes no sense if someone is stating that people attacked them self… Don’t believe the crap you watch on hystory channel and fancy pants books plus the school is full of lies too, you will never learn any truth there.
        Sorry for my weird English and sorry if I offended someone but the truth is a truth.

        • Aleks is right ,he knows because…well ….he just does.He read it somewhere or …or ….maybe somebody told him so it has to be true!

          • Helena Tross says:

            Greeks -so arrogant and full of themselves.Know one knows anything really because history becomes distorted with time.Look at the revisions of the bible.

    • Yuri Norstein says:

      Thanks Craig.
      And, yes, Geraldine Doyle was quite the hottie.

    • Frank Mondana says:

      You need to research your research. It is not known with absolute certainty if Troy existed. Even if it did, it is almost certain that Helen didn’t.

      Of course, I’m sure there was a guy who was unbeatable in battle thanks to being dipped in goo leaving only his heel wide open for Boo-Boo’s. There’s no way Achilles is myth, Right??

      • Helena Tross says:

        It says probably never existed-read again.Greeks-all they have are their old myths and legends and history.They have done nothing in 2000 years except for some sleaze bag who invented the pap smear.

    • Helena Tross says:

      I have never seen a radiant Greek beauty.

  2. @Craig Murray most experts on arthurian legand are of the opinion that the stories were created as a way to hide worship of the celtic pantion and that each character in the stories has a counterpart

    • Actually, that’s up for debate too. There’s evidence of an actual historic Christian chieftain who matches parts of the legend pretty closely. Problem is, he was Scottish. (There’s even the possibility that the Round Table is buried at Stirling Castle) The more mythical elements were added later (especially in the Mabinogi, where Arthur and a few knights have cameos) after paganism had all but died out and were more fantastic than they otherwise would be.

  3. nice boob boobs

  4. “the three breasted hooker isn’t that good looking to begin with.”

    maybe, but she’s got 3 boobs.

    You sound like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons.

    And if Helen of Troy was so great, why was she never on a bubble gum card, argues Lucy Van Pelt.

  5. If you can see the sides of the middle boob is it still a side boob shot?

  6. I don’t give a shit.

  7. I don’t give a bull’s nuts

  8. nice send me many samples

  9. The 2012 remake is actually MUCH better than the original movie. It has a much more believable plot, the intentional ridiculousness is virtually non-existent, and best of all there’s no Mars. I love the original and I wasn’t looking forward to the remake but I can confidently say it was a good decision and I’m happy with the film. I

    • The 2012 version is much more faithful to Philip K. Dick’s original story, in the humble opinion of a former sci-fi geek. ;-)

      I’ve never understood why studios pay good money for film rights to an author’s work and then proceed to throw out 90% of what the author wrote. The original ‘Total Recall’, while an entertaining enough film in its own right, bore so little resemblance to Dick’s ‘We Can Remember It For You Wholesale’ that it’s a mystery to me why they bothered buying the rights at all. They could have simply released the movie they ended up making as an original idea and no one, other than perhaps Phil Dick himself, would have been any the wiser.

  10. this is stupid

  11. As a long time heterosexual man who experienced the sixties and free love, I can tell you that, for me at least, three breasts would be a major bummer that wouldn’t turn me on at all. That’s all I’ll say about her.

    As for Helen, it is very likely she existed as a human being however lionized and amplified by writers of her day. There are just too many references to her and, as someone else pointed out, the Trojan War actually did happen.

    The same seems likely to be true for Gwenivere

    As a point in fact, my Mother was “Rosie the Riveter” not in the sense that she was the model for the photograph, but in the sense that she, like millions of patriotic women, rose up and worked long and hard on dirty, extremely dangerous tasks in order to win the war.

    Well those are my thoughts on this matter. I just stumbled onto this page and this discussion. I figured I’d toss my two cents in. Hope I’ve provided food for thought and that you all are and stay well and happy.

    Old Pinko

    • The Tokyo Rose situation is a bit more complex. Yes there were a stable of women who made propaganda broadcasts. Most of these were Japanese citizens who spoke American English, but at least one of them was an American citizen who made such broadcasts. There is evidence that an Australian and an American POW being forced to write propaganda for the Japanese encouraged her to broadcast while the POW’s and her slanted what they were broadcasting so as to undercut the Japanese propaganda effort. She served time in prison and, after her release, was pardoned by President Ford.

      Again, I hope you all are and stay well and happy.

      Old Pinko

  12. DoctorMontalban says:

    6. Lennay Kekua

  13. The Trojan War is a war that happened in Greek “Mythology”, you see that people “Mythology”

    • The people that wrote mythology believed in it. The people that don’t believe in it call it mythology to help debunk it. The Bible is also a collection of mythology as far as opposing religions are concerned.

      All the works have a historical basis though and that’s what Historians and Theologists spend their time trying to ascertain, where the evidence falls.

      You have to consider that several thousand years from now, people may doubt the existence of Abraham Lincoln and will have to decide if he did exist and if so, was he a vampire slayer, truly a president, or just some man from Illinois.

    • when a fiction book from that many years ago survives it is likely to be believed by many of those who read it now.

      Iliad and Oddysey are not to be taken ver batim.

      neither is the bible or quran – they use parables to teach lessons.
      look at all the trouble people have gotten into when they take every word in the books as literal truth ….. even those words that have been changed due to translation errors .

  14. A third boob would be pretty handy if you lived on a planet where multiple births are the norm ;)…………….

  15. You do realize that fiction CAN combine elements of truth with a story, right? Just because the only well-known mentions of Helen and Guinevere are from fictitious sources doesn’t mean they didn’t exist. I can’t believe I’m using this as an example because I’m lending credence to the assumption that Stephanie Meyer can “write,” but both Forks, Washington and the Quiluete tribe from the Twilight books exist. Does this mean that everything in the books is true, no, but it doesn’t mean that Quiluetes don’t exist just because they were popularized in that trash.

  16. most history is mostly interpretation of found facts by the experst of the time.Read:conjecture.
    then this conjecture is mutually agreed upon by other experts and thats how our history books are born.
    so did they exist or not?
    the facts are out there in museums. you have shards, books, artifacts pieces of lives back then. the only thing to do is to interpret for yourself what you see.

  17. Uh…Greeks weren’t terrorists of the ancient world. At one time, they were the superpower of the ancient world. And there is in fact evidence that the battle of Troy was real. Open a book before opening your mouth next time. Then you won’t sound like an idiot.

    And many classical historians believe that Helen of Troy did exist as a minor noble around the time the Trojan war was supposed to take place, and she was romanticized in epic poetry.

  18. you are all so stupid. Yes the Trojan war was real, yes the city was found and guess how. the explorer used homer’s story to back track to where troy was. And fat chance actually proving Helen was real cause no one knows where they fled to as they lost the city. At the time the Greek king wanted everyone to bow to him and the Trojan’s wouldn’t. So Helen was just the excuse to start the war just like the US and WMD’s in Iraq after 9-11. There is no way in hell that anyone will ever know our actual history cause it’s written by the winners of wars and they don’t want you to know the truth.

    Almost all mythology is based off real events. They just didn’t know all the fancy words we have to describe things today. And if you believe everything you’re taught in school and don’t have any opinions of you’re own just do us all a favor and go jump off a cliff. You’re wasting resources for the more evolved.

  19. Something else should be brought up. The fact that historians and archeologists are finding more and more proof of towns, places and peoples that they repudiated were invalid in the Bible. The Bible is an accurate book of ancient history and worth studying for it’s validity. In Genesis is speaks of the sons of God took notice that the women of earth were very appealing to them and they took all whom they chose to be wives. The children who were born to them were called Nephilim . They were considered mighty ones (giants) the men of old, the men of fame.
    I believe that the myths that were spoken of like Zeus, Hercules, etc. were Nephilim, To me history can be an exciting adventure into the past.

  20. I can believe in the lady with three boobs as easily as I can believe in the bible and the Quran both of which are direct descendants of Zorastrianism via the lessons taught the Babylonian captives by the priests of Zoroaster.
    that was when they first learned of angels, heaven and hell, the devil, and the everlasting battle between good and evil.

  21. Helena Tross says:

    The Greeks are that stupid they use Helen of Troy as evidence that they were originally fair.She was a myth created by play writes.The paintings of Greek legends by French and english painters of the 1800s depict them as blonde.A fantasy.There is no such bthing as the ultimate Beautiful woman.It fades with familiarity.
    They need to look at paintings of the Minoan people 4000 years ago to see they were dark haired and eyed usually like they are today.

  22. They stole the triple breasted whore from Douglas Adams didn’t they?

  23. AllisterCooper says:

    Lol, number 1! But Total Recall was released in 1990 and not 1992. Cheers!