Remember when we found out that there were going to be film adaptations of Battleship and Rock’em Sock’em Robots, and everybody flipped out because how can you make a full-length movie out of a stupid party game?
Immediately, the jokes started. What will they make next, a Twister movie? Or perhaps a thriller based on Bop It, in which the hero has to bop it, twist it, and pull it in order to save his family from a sadistic killer? As if, right?
Well, the joke was on us, because we seriously underestimated Hasbro’s willingness to destroy our childhoods to make a few bucks at the box office. Despite the fact that Battleship tanked (get it? Ha ha ha) and the Robots movie never ended up happening (the ‘robot boxers’ genre of films had already run its course with Real Steel), they’ve just announced that they’re going ahead with a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie. And that’s not all.
According to the LA Times, Hasbro announced on Thursday that they’re planning on adapting three more of their toys and games into movies. The first will be Monopoly. Presumably, this movie will be just like the game in that it will last for three days and result in the destruction of some of your closest friendships.
The other two movies included in the deal are the aforementioned Hungry Hungry Hippos and Action Man, which, for the uninitiated, is like a crappier version of G.I. Joe.
Now, you may be wondering how Hasbro plans to adapt a game in which literally the entire point is to be the hippo that eats the most marbles into a movie. I was wondering the same thing, so I came up with a few plot ideas. Here they are:
An ethically dubious underwater oil drilling operation, executed by a corrupt corporation bent on increasing profits at any cost, results in the awakening of four ancient creatures . And they’re hungry.
Wacky Romantic Comedy
When ambitious attorney Todd Limberger discovers a cursed marble while on vacation in Mexico, he returns to Los Angeles a very different man. Now, Todd must juggle a busy law career and a budding relationship with a cute intern with his newfound propensity to spontaneously morph into a neon orange hippo when he gets hungry.
A chronic slacker has just been dumped by his girlfriend. He goes outside to think, when suddenly, a tiny alien spaceship crashes in his backyard. Inside the spaceship are four tiny hippos, who tell him that he’s the earth’s only hope. They team up to save the planet and win the slacker’s girlfriend back. Of course, hijinks ensue. Also, the hippos are wacky and have attitude and like to eat a lot.
Call me, Hasbro.
Do you have any ideas for the plot of the Hungry Hungry Hippos movie? Let us know in the comments.