Remember a few months ago, when rumors emerged about the plot of the new, Michael Bay-led reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie franchise? The Internet got up in arms when everyone found out that the turtles were going to be aliens rather than earth-born mutants.
It turns out that things would have been way, way worse than that, if the movie had actually been made (production has currently shut down, mercifully). The guys who run TMNTnotTANT, a Turtles blog, got their hands on the script that was going to be used for the new TMNT movie. And let’s just say that is was not so good. Actually, let’s say that it was a steaming pile of mutant (not alien) feces.
Though the script isn’t available online anymore, after a cease and desist letter from Paramount (which proves it was a real script), the details are still out there. Let’s take a look at some of the ways in which the new TMNT movie would have completely raped your childhood memories of Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo and Raphael:
- The Turtles were not going to be fun-loving. For much of the movie, they (especially Raphael) were going to complain about stuff.
- The Turtles were not even going to be the focus of the movie–Casey Jones was the main character.
- Casey Jones was no longer going to be an awesome vigilante. Instead, he was a whiny 18-year-old who worked at a dead-end job.
- Casey Jones and April O’Neal were going to be dating. The problems in their relationship were going to be the focus of much of the movie. You read that right–it was going to be a movie primarily about two teens working through some relationship issues.
- Shredder’s entire back-story was going to be ditched. The character of Shredder was to become a military colonel named Schrader.
- In nearly every scene with Master Splinter, he was going to get his ass kicked.
- Krang was going to show up, but only to say two lines at the end of the movie.
Thank goodness Paramount decided to pause production on that script, because that movie would have been historically bad. If they ever decide to tackle the TMNT again, let’s pray to all the gods from earth and all the gods from Dimension X that Michael Bay and the the guys who wrote this particular script are housed in a maximum security prison throughout the entirety of the production, so that they can have zero involvement with any aspect of it.