With all the face eating that’s going on out there, we’re wondering if a zombie apocalypse isn’t just around the corner. What about the guy who stabbed himself and threw his intestines at police officers? So yeah, most likely–zombies WILL be taking over the earth. When it happens, will we be ready for it?
Have no fear. When s#$% gets real, Zombie Apocalypse 101 is here! If you wanna keep your head on straight, follow these zombie-proof guidelines.
Number 1: Keep your s#$% together
The first thing is to be calm and level headed. Sure your friends are trying to maul you (in an unwanted fashion), and your parents aren’t serving chicken à la carte for dinner anymore, but get it together! Zombies have taken over. Get your head in the game. Strategize about your next steps. Shelter? Food? A kickass zombie-killing posse?
Number 2: Blow those bastards outta the water (not literally, I don’t think zombies like water)
So, how do you protect yourself when the zombie apocalypse hits? We recommend some firearm. Go with rifles. It’s not about accuracy, but shot placement, and we advise that you aim for the head. Don’t forget the ammo, man. When you have the living dead baring down on you, you don’t want to be rifling for some clips. Awkward.
Number 3: Know your enemy
We know that most libraries and homes will probably have been engulfed in flames and ash, but you need to know your enemy to make it out alive. The best route would be to hit up the interweb, and do some research, but all civilization has gone to hell–there won’t be access to that type of resource. So what can you do? I guess you would’ve had to turn back time to read this post… Or recall all that zombie knowledge from ‘The Walking Dead’ or ‘Dawn of the Dead.’ Science, people.
Well, maybe the nitty gritty of zombies will help you out: It doesn’t matter how they came to be, really. Biological warfare, science experiment gone awry, the main issue is that you have to keep yourself from getting bitten. That’s how you become infected and zombified. Basically, the only way to survive is either to outrun the bastards, or shot them in the head. A zombie without arms or appendages keeps on tickin’, but no brains? He’s out for the count. Basically, brain shots and run!
Number 4: Get to a safe house
There’s seems to be one thing that zombies have a hard time doing: climbing. If there’s a way for you to reach an elevated safe house, this would be key. Zombies seem to be horizontally disinclined. Also, have several safe houses if you can manage it. Once a zombie spots you, his friends will most likely be just around the corner. Some experts say that zombies hate the cold so go for an mountaintop, maybe. Others recommend a storage unit or trucking container–but one way in and one way out–that’s just stupid. Go for the mountaintop.
Number 5: Every man for himself
We all have the desire to protect our loved ones, and as any zombie movie will attest to, this is how people get screwed (see: expert research). There’s so many cases where people trek from their safe houses to find their loved ones. Buddy, they’re gone. If a zombie hasn’t gotten them yet, it will. The best thing to do is to stay in your safe house, and wait it out. Being the hero will most likely result in your face being bitten off.
However, if you have a hero complex and a feisty desire to blow out some zombie brains, make sure you have enough ammo, and an intact death wish.
So, that’s the five steps in surviving a zombie apocalypse. Preparation is key, guys. May the best man survive.