Oh, yeah. That’s right. Nothing makes the bald eagle of freedom more happy than watching a dozen lovely ladies shovel hotdogs into their mouths like squirrels anticipating the impending apocalypse.
Hotdog eating contests have become, weirdly enough, a part of the 4th of July tradition. I don’t know what our founding father fought for, exactly, but you can pretty much assume that watching people scarf hotdogs down their throats before they set off bombs in the sky for entertainment was pretty high up on their list of things they’d die for. So every year, Coney Island stops being a place where trash floats around and rides rides, and starts being a place where patriotic Americans stuff themselves ridiculous. This year, proving that he is the king of hosting, Nick Cannon will helm the competition, to be televised on ESPN.
And this year, they’re adding women. While you might’ve at one point in your life thought that women eating hotdogs was an activity of splendid erotic appreciation, this will shatter whatever preconceptions you have.
Experts are predicting that Joey Chesnut will once again reign supreme, which brings up the point that at one time, Americans were not the best at eating hotdogs. Really?
REALLY?
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